I’ve been writing these past few weeks about the idea of adding and subtracting of myself, or the shifting of mental and life “blocks” to review, reset, and repurpose. I see this all as a type of restoration of the self. Like my favorite HGTV programming, you take the good, toss the bad, and leave a little “dinge” – or the good old stuff. (Hi Erin and Ben!!)

This resetting may be the best way of defining The Wobble. My idea of a wobble came from a yoga practice in which I was struggling in a posture. In my mind, I was thinking about how I was failing. However, my teacher exclaimed how good the wobble was because the struggle was creating new muscles and that these muscles were performing in new ways…or “The Wobble”. I’m exploring how the Wobble may not only be a physical adaptation of the body but may also be the metaphysical “Wobble” of the mind…the illuminated mind. What does this mean? Let me explain.

In some of my work to achieve better physical health, I realized that my own mindset could sometimes “trip” me up in my efforts for mostly anything. There is also a mental component to physical acheivement, isn’t there? This mental component is critical to successful achievement and through the effort of physical acheivement, I realized just how much negativity I spewed to myself. Through that dirty and, well, false lens, I failed to appreciate my world for its beauty and splendor and saw only my personal failures. How much of my view was obscured by my own self-hatred?

Did I think myself too small to jump the hurdles in my life with success? This was such an eye-opener for me that since that realization, I’ve begun a journey back to see just how much I “poo-pooed” my achievements. Like, the time I won the “Employee of the Month” at my job — in 1986. (Yes, my good friends, this has gone a LOOOOng time.) My view was that it was my turn. But, was it? How much did I diminish the achievement because of my own lack of self-worth? How much of my own limitations were….ummm….self-imposed. (Yikes!) This brings me to my current situation and my new lesson in self-blame.

Last week, the office I run had to make a difficult decision on who to promote. The decision is unimportant, really, because it was my reaction to the decision that was extremely startling…and a true eye-opener in my Wobble. There was a choice made (and, it wasn’t my choice to make, either) and the person who was not choosen was disappointed. So disappointed in fact that there was an emotional response from the individual and I felt myself begin to assume their pain at the loss…and, then, I realized what I was doing. STOP! My inner dialog was something like: “Yes, let me heap some of your disappointment on ME. I will take the blame for you so I don’t feel so bad at having to make a decision that I knew would disappoint you. This reinforces my bad feelings for myself.” The rational part of me said: “Wait…what are you doing? Why are YOU feeling bad because someone else did not qualify for a promotion? Isn’t it their job to ensure they qualify and that their supervisor agrees?”

I began to sift through my feelings a bit more, and with the help of my very learned partner, I began to formulate a question in my mind that required further study: Why would I take responsibility for someone else not getting a promotion? (As I write this, I’m realizing that this situation is much more psychologically involved so, please, take my experience for just that: experience. Seek your own professional assistance as I am in no way a medical professional. <3)

For me, this comes down to needing to be liked, and assuming a posture of self-blame for not being liked. While I was reduced to weeping, I finally realized that this situation was not for me to be upset about…and began to feel better. I certainly have empathy for my colleague and I really want to promote everybody I meet. (Really!) I even went to my boss to ask about the possibility of promoting everybody for potential opportunities even though they were not the best fit for the job just so that I wouldn’t have to disappoint THEM. (I am highlighting this as the lesson of my needing to be liked was what I needed to learn.) In fact, the heart of the decision was the assessment made by one of my direct-reporting supervisors of someone else’s performance and how it may “fit” into the office. In this case, then, isn’t the performance up to the applicant for the job? And, why am I assuming this disappointment and taking responsibility for their lack of showing up?

It was this latter question that got my mind going and turning this around for a better way of looking at the situation. (Byron Katie’s “The Work”. All you need to know.) The shifting of the responsibility to where it belongs is now me, wobbling, in a very good way. Normally, I’d just assume the blame and begin my negative inner dialog of blame, criticism, and just such harsh dialog that I’d NEVER, NEVER say to anyone else. Yet, this WAS different. I recognized that I am being paid to make tough decisions for the good of my company and that they rely on my knowledge of the brand, my leadership, and fair-treatment. All of those factors were used in the decision-making. It was a fair decision given all things. So, why do I now feel so lousy?? More to follow once I figure THAT out. Anyone who says life is easy isn’t living. Peace and be well.