Last month, I wrote a blog post called “The Restoration, Part I” where I mused over my disordered thinking and perception, and my realization that this may have gone on unchecked in my brain for quite the long time. It was through the extreme discipline required by the pandemic that forced me to these realizations. The change in the title of this blog post from a single “part” to “all” parts reflects my intense introspection and its infinite application in my life. Over the past four months, I’ve distilled this to a single thought that applies virtually everywhere I look:

Be a student, not a judger.

While the quarantine began for me on March 5, 2020, the extreme restriction actually did not have a mental impact until the end of March when I had to first wear my face covering…and became hysterical. Downright howling, tears, frustration, self-condemning shit all because of being required to wear a face covering. I told my husband I didn’t want to live in a world like this and I was dead serious about it, pleading with him to run me over with the car and end it. Living this way was not what I wanted for myself and the heaviness and enormity of the situation was more than I could handle. While I understood the reasoning behind covering my nose and mouth, the emotions still raged. Why? And, instead of condemning or belittling myself, I began to study my reaction through eyes of self-love. This was and continues to be a huge step for me.

Be a student, not a judger.

Since then, I’ve been in deep contemplation about aspects of my own self, their causes and effects, and what meaning I’ve attached to them. The cry for help and relief was so desparate for me that I knew I needed to act or else I would go insane. Instead of harshly judging myself, however, I have learned to question these emotions. Through this effort, I realized that I am not alone and that this extreme situation brings out really visceral reactions. Each outting with my mask has become a bit easier. My sister has taken to sewing face coverings and kindly mailed me a few. This sense of fun in harsh times has helped to lighten my mental mood. Thank you, Michelle, for your kindness extends farther than you realize. (Isn’t that the way of kindness?)

Be a student, not a judger.

This simple statement, above, was what I had in my automatic writing exercise this morning. (This is one of my habits I’ve developed in the pandemic and has been surprising insightful.) I’ve also been more a peace with myself and I’ve become okay with being quiet. In learning, one must be quiet and develop the ability to listen without judgment so I feel like I’m working on the first part okay but the second part is really a challenge. For an introvert, I usually have a lot going on behind my eyes. Unfortunately, it can be what I’m cooking for dinner that evening or replaying my tenth grade band practice from 1979 over and over again. Usually totally random crap.

I believe listening is a lost art that needs to have a renaissance. In working on my listening and examining my habit to be distracted, I began an intensive course offered by Eckhart Tolle called “Conscious Manifestation.” (This link is for your information. I receive no financial benefit from a referral…full disclosure.) I’ve been studying communication and the idea of self in our being and doing. I’ve also been studying the structure of beliefs and meanings to improve my own ability to listen empathically. I began to study Tolle years ago and was confused. Not any more. (Thank you, Pandemic.)

Be a student, not a judger.

Look forward to more content on judgment and how we do this without even realizing it. How many times have you judged someone based on their skin color or uniform? Or how many times have your been judged by others? I’m damn sick and tired of it and have decided to be a “no judgment” type of person. I’m okay with you doing you as long as I can do me because I’m learning that I like me and this is enough, as I am enough. Be well and enjoy nature and summer. Spend time in love and be patient with yourself and each other. Blessings, and happy summer.