So, it is my hope that the title of this blog posts intrigues you because, well, it should. If you are a human being enjoying a physical experience in 2020, or, the Year of the Pandemic, you will not walk away from the experience unscathed or the thinking life is still the same as this time last year. Something in you will change because that is exactly why life throws us these challenges – hurdles, problems, experiences – however you label the situation. Good or bad. These are all learning experiences. The label does not change the experience; it is your selection of how you wish to see the experience that determines your own personal outcome. That’s right. YOU CHOOSE.
When this Pandemic began, I was already in a precarious position with my mental illness and struggles through Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that usually clears around April. For me, SAD feels like a heaviness that begins as the darkness comes early in the Northeast. I developed SAD when I moved East back in October of 1992. Or, I should say, I realized that I may have a mental illness which was in itself very scary. Living on my own in a state far across the country from my family created the need for me to stand on my own two feet. In September 1993, I felt the darkness begin to descend again and sought counseling so, on my 30th birthday, I was sitting in a psychiatrist’s office discussing my conditions. Mental illness can come in any situation and may no longer be tainted by the “You’re ill?” brush yet it still is difficult to admit that you have a chemical imbalance when you don’t necessarily have any physical pain. Since then, I’ve been very attentive to my moods so that I may manage my conditions with a positive outlook. When there is so much negativity, I feel this very keenly and will actually just leave the room or situation. I do not possess the ability to argue or fight about this. It just is the way I handle my shit.
So, I’ve had to take a break from social media for a while. I felt my SAD did not lift as prior years. Normally, come April, I am really ready for the longer, warmer days of spring and summer. Thanks to the 2020 Pandemic, my moods began fluctuating to various extremes between anger, resentment, and a brutal sadness that dripped off of me. I felt the weight of my thinking very keenly and brought out my usual coping mechanisms. With the fighting of strangers in the news and the lack of tolerance and patience that seems to be a majority mindset, I felt myself sinking into a mental state of dispair that was so keen that for a split-second I actually contemplated leaving this mortal coil. (I’ve always liked the old-timey reference to life as a “mortal coil” which Wikipedia defined as “…a poetic term for the troubles of daily life and the strife and suffering of the world. It is used in the sense of a burden to be carried or abandoned. To “shuffle off this mortal coil” is to die, exemplified in the “To be, or not to be” soliloquy in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.”) I found myself on the floor, hysterical, thinking about how sad my mother and sister would be at my decision. This made me think of what really is important in life: the present. I sought therapy once again. Happily so, today, I learned something new about my illness that has helped me be better and, actually helped me realize some of my dreams. Isn’t life truly amazing?
Rather than engaging with people I don’t know about really important topics, I decided to restrict my social media access. This “break” allowed me to focus on what is really imporant and that is what I can do now. My depression originates organically and genetically. Without going into too much boring detail, I have extreme anxiety that forces me to always be in the future in a type of prevention mode. I deal with my anxiety by shelving it which, in hindsight, isn’t too healthy. (Working on that one.) In July, I registered an extreme blood pressure caused by stress, 174/120. I also realized that caffeine contributed to the jitters (Thanks, Mom!) and I have been caffeine-free since July. The difference is really startling for me. My heart palpations have just about gone unless I’m having a panic attack. (Aren’t those wonderful?) I’ve identified when I have a panic attack coming on and am able to prepare and ride through the feeling, or I’ve learned about the Law of Resistance and to better manage that.
Many of you probably didn’t know this, and it could be a surprise to you. That is how a mental illness like depression works. We may not even realize we have this until you have a breakdown moment or a reaction that is out of character. Please, seek help. By admitting I needed help, I turned a huge corner in my own management of my conditions. Admitting I was suffering allowed me to move through the pain and feelings by taking steps to help myself. My doctor told me to raise my dopamine levels through regular exercise each day. As of today, I am three weeks in to a new habit of daily exercise for mental health. I’ve been able to keep this up as I’ve made it a part of my identity just like my depression. I am a person who has depression that is under treatment. It is not my identity but a condition that makes me uniquely me. Each of us may have suffered some other mental or physical reaction to the Pandemic. I encourage you not to resist your feelings. Please exercise healthy self-care and realize that your condition or situation is not who you are but one of those aspects that make the “mortal coil” worth enjoying. Be well. Peace.
The Wobble 