Author: Susan

A person who is taking life a day at a time.

Living Without The Constant Check: Navigating Technology Guilt

I’m not sure when “being connected” became something I needed and, ultimately, dreaded. In retirement, my days begin with my being immersed in my phone looking at email, social media, my bank account, investments, and local news. (Did I take my morning medication? Maybe, maybe not.) I think the habit of “checking in” with media began back in the early 2000’s when I commuted into New York City each day – about 2.5 hours from my house to my desk, door-to-door – with watching the news. I got the weather forecast, city news, commuting information, and everything I needed to decide if this was the day I needed to stay home. The was before mobile phones had internet. I was always hoping and looking for happiness in staying home, snug in my bed, which became overwhelming and very tempting. Everyday, I’d have coffee with Maurice DuBois, the news anchor, who would inform me of everything I thought I needed to know. Then, I’d tell myself to get to the office as I needed to support my family. THIS was my single motivating factor for working. (I did not realize this until retirement and at a significant personal cost.)

Fast forward a few years with the advancement of technology. My phone became my pocket assistant, reminding me of everything I wanted to do and usually failed at: To do lists, appointments, calendar notes, texts, goals – you name it, I berated myself for not being one of those people who could walk, talk, text, and laugh all at the same time. The tool I had in my hand was so powerful that I knew, one day, it w/could be my personal assistant…and THIS would be when I finally would be happy. Life would be coordinated into this little device and would finally give me a sense of peace. Fulfillment. Happiness.

<Sigh.> Just WHAT was I thinking about here anyway. Today, I consider this way of thinking as looping between searching and living. Yet, it took me many years to figure this out (ergo “looping”). Sometimes, we are searching for something in our living within the phone – or not. I do think people have varying degrees of engagement with technology depending on many psychological factors. For me, my identity shifting became wrapped up in my phone. And, this shift is just not as simple as leaving the phone in another room. No – the shift needs to be in my mindset and how I see the phone as a tool. This is a struggle I have each day because I fall back into old patterns as I am still working on replacing these patterns with better habits. I haven’t found them just as yet and have realized that the habits will find me when my timing is right – for me.

Life is about timing and phases, and understanding that each of these will change without me needed to DO or BE anything. My job these days is to notice how I’m feeling and adapt. Yep. Whatever “adapt” means to me – at that time. All of my life, I have fought against the current to build these muscles because I thought that was my job in this life as a human. Being different. Being unique. Making a big difference. I find myself tired – truly tired – of fighting against the current. I’m desiring a bit of meandering, finding my flow, and just being easy. With myself. With others. Having no agenda. Maybe this should be my New Year’s resolution: No Agenda, No Plan. And, Breathe.

Is this too easy? Hell no. As a recovering overachiever, doing nothing is still something. With my ADHD, I can always have my body sit still. OK, maybe my foot is tapping and I’m banging my finger on my leg – still for ME. My mind, however, is doing back flips and intricate problem solving that I’m totally unaware of until I blurt out some random sentence and realize I’ve had this whole conversation with myself in the middle of another conversation – WITH PEOPLE! Yet, I am a serial procrastinator as I know what I need to do and cannot make myself do this thing. This is when I realized my procrastination wasn’t an identity. It is a RESPONSE – and usually with an emotional tie. What is the procrastination telling me? Depends on each situation. I did decide that having the label was not fair to myself so I’m working on removing this label from my sense of self. I realized that I am someone who cannot make myself do something I don’t want to do without a SIGNIFICANT toll on my mental health. This is the ADHD impact. And, I’ve routinely told myself vile and hurtful things as a type of motivation….that isn’t. There are repercussions to this way of motivation that I’m currently unpacking – in my own time.

No Agenda, No Plan, Breathe. Good resolutions.

Happy New Year!

Presence Over Perfection: Living in the Moment

“Life is the dancer and you are the dance.” Eckhart Tolle (2006)

I’ve long been fond of all types of music. As a young teen, I played an instrument in the band. Later, as a an aspiring adult, I found guitar solos and interesting drum cadences calling me to a new genre of music. Then, I began the jazz period, country period, metal, and back to plain “rock and roll”. Life is a patchwork of experience, from the dizzying beat of disco to the guitar licks of L.A. Guns which are still making great music. I grew up with this energy of being ‘with’ the band throughout all of these periods.

I began to want to capture my experiences on film or, rather, media card. Why? (Because the person next to me what also filming.) What level of distraction do I need to enjoy what is in front of me? (You ADHD folks know what I’m talking about here – the distraction for focusing.) What will I be doing with the video? Will I EVEN watch it again? (No answers both questions.) So why am I even trying to fuss with an electronic device, argue with people about being distracting, making my party angry because they cannot enjoy the show, and I take away NOTHING.

I then asked myself this question: What if I put my electronic device away (pocket, purse, lake – does not matter) and ENJOYED the show? Or, an even bigger question to answer: Why am I trying to capture the event on film instead of ‘feeling’ the event and experiencing this through my senses that are NOT tied to a mobile device? (Probably because I want to create a cherished memory of the event. Isn’t the memory better when experienced versus filming? A good point of debate for just what is cherished is to the individual, isn’t it.)

Bruno Mars has the right of it. This article discusses this from the artist’s point of view. There is disagreement here because some do need a physical memory of the event. To that argument, I respond that you will never capture the feelings you feel in the moment through the lens of your phone’s camera. I would argue that a physical representation of an ‘energetic’ event like a performance (concert, play, movie, etc.) is a poor substitute for the actually feeling the experience. Are we attending as a status update to our social media accounts or are you truly there to enjoy your evening? Perhaps its one’s motivation – or their why – that is at question here?

When we cease to truly feel our moments, we become more automatic and the feelings can be confusing and jumbled. These are habits – yes, habits – that can be compounded on over the years to create a monolith of meaning in their silence. I enjoy life so much more when my phone is not in my hand. I’m already naturally distracted by my ADHD. The phone offers additional distraction that is both comforting and very scary. Try leaving your phone in your bag or pocket and see what being in the moment feels like.

I almost forgot about the wonder of the world.

Peace.

Mindfulness Lessons from a Broken Trash Can

I broke my kitchen garbage can the other day. The can – this one – has a pedal that one must depress with their foot to open the lid. Below the pedal is a stabilizing metal bar that keeps the can from toppling forward when in use. The stabilizing bar is what broke…again.

This is supposed to be the trash can that can survive an apocalypse. The first time it broke was late last year and we chalked this up to a faulty mechanism or bad design. “Is nothing made as it used to be?” we wondered once again, lamenting for those good old days that were neither good nor long enough ago. We both turned into MacGyver, turning the can over, and assessing the situation. A strong adhesive to glue in the corners of the stabilizing metal bar and plastic fittings was completed. Crisis averted? Or, just delayed?

Last week, while depressing the foot petal to raise the lid, I heard that telltale sound of a crack to the stabilizing bar. Recognizing the sound, I stopped to check my own behavior, or to check in with myself. (This is new – paying attention. My ADHD internalized so much!) I’ve become more aware of my own participation in life and “things”, and my tendency to shove everything into an external blame situation. My mind began with “what a piece of crap” and stopped mid-thought with a new idea. Instead of blaming the poor kitchen receptacle that just sits in judgment of me, was there something I did that contributed to it breaking? Did I press too hard with my foot? (Enter sense of shame.) Just how sensitive is this thing anyway? (See, the habit is a hard one to break!)

That was when I recognized the issue I needed to handle was not about the trash can at all. In fact, it is the same issue with a new and exciting flavor: mindfulness with a dash of presence. Or, how can I get more out of my head. I’m being guided and shown this idea in a variety of situations. (Yes, guided. More on that topic to come.) Situations that are a lot more serious than a broken piece of a garbage can.

I learned that, in caring for my dying mother, the responsibility was so tremendous, and I felt honored and humbled by the turn of events. My sister and I took extra care of her, cleaning her, reading to her, talking to her, and ensuring her comfort… just like when she did for us as babies. We kissed her, loved on her, and tried to be the best daughters to the best mother in the world. This required my full attention and presence. When I was distracted, I effortlessly pulled my focus back to my mother. This was a life and death situation and needed me totally aware so the correct decisions were made. Since then, my husband and I also cared for our dying and much beloved dog, Toby, which was also an honor of a different kind – yet, it taps the same feelings of love and protection but with differing angles. In caring for Toby, I found myself becoming angry at “having to do” and did not like the feeling at all! I didn’t understand these emotions as they felt disingenuous and conflicted with my heart. These new emotions did not honor nor represent my feelings for my beloved miracle pet and felt just wrong. So, instead of squelching this into some new package, I felt the emotions. These were sadness, loss, grief, and a sense of loneliness – and the same emotions I felt in processing these losses. What was I to learn by these events?

What changed in both of these situations was me: my mindset of gratitude and acceptance of both the situation and myself. I allowed myself to feel these emotions in a more healthier way. I cried, hugged, cooked, cleaned – all the physical things to make my body as tired as my mind felt. Sleep and distraction were also my friends along with a dose of “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” Such a difficult yet educational time in my life that I’m glad I learned something from these situations!

Now, back to the can. I accepted that I heard a crack and that I had once again broken the can. Stopping mid-stride away from the can, I began to assess just what happened. Being in the present moment – or being mindful of this moment – was key for me. The crack of the can brought me out of a state of unawareness and into a present sense of reality. The ideas of being mindful and being present are issues I have been working on in myself for a while now through a program of meditation. You see, my particular brand of ADHD is dreamy and very internal. I can drift off in my mind to some other place and am not be fully present during a conversation. Usually something said will trigger something in my brain and I get transported to another place. Trauma meets ADHD – or life floating on a cloud. Sounds nice, right? Not really. In serious conversations, I would frequently lose the thread of the conversation. I used to try and engage the speaker so I could grasp this weakening conversation thread only to interrupt the speaker and distract them in the same way that I was also distracted. Then, because I was very good at recovery (practice makes perfect), I could interject a few words here, sound amazing, and the speaker would just be left confused.

This is a key aspect of my brand of ADHD and my neurodivergent brain –or my personal superpower. It is a learned response and not necessarily a good one. I can mentally travel years in a single second! Forward or – sometimes in reverse. Yet, my memory is for shit. During these times – it’s not always – I would be yelling at myself for this habit, chastising myself for being selfish or standoffish, and not even having a correct recollection due to my own distraction! (Imagine living in THAT place?) “Why can’t I pay attention?” I’d lament to myself. “How…” insert label here “…stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean…..are you? You name it, I’ve called myself this name. Many times over. Thinking this was abnormal and that I was broken. Yes, maybe this isn’t normal but it is MY normal – and I have a legitimate physical reason for the behavior. I’m not stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean for this.

Today, I am in a place of acceptance. I’m not selfish or standoffish – as my mother used to say to me. I’m DISTRACTED by my own thoughts that are now layering in yours and getting all jumbled up and confused. Sometimes I need to stop and re-frame my thinking – and ask for time needed to ‘catch up’ or for someone to repeat themselves. This can be very difficult for the person speaking and has caused troubling interactions and unintended offense. Today, I’ve learned that this tendency originates from a neurodivergent brain. This diagnosis gave me the ability to accept ADHD as part of me, an explanation for certain behaviors. This is not my entire identity but gave me greater awareness and, thus, the ability to create positive behavior strategies.

Or, I stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself. I am accepting my mental dreaming as part of my own personal human uniqueness. This is why the ADHD diagnosis is so important. It explained so much and gave me the ability to accept what is and without the condemnation of self. This wasn’t a behavior problem to be solved. My issues were my natural coping mechanism and my ability to focus and be present.

I began to see the trash can more as a mirror for me to recognize that I was doing something wrong. No, wrong isn’t quite correct. That is my old self talking. Today, I’m doing something out of congruence with my feelings. Self-acceptance is very powerful and a key tool for me. What am I being told by the breaking of the stabilization bar? Well, obviously I’m using too much pressure on the can with my foot.

So, instead of complaining about the can or being angry at something breaking, I became curious. Why is the pressure I’m using breaking this can feature? Is it my superhuman foot strength that has never been in evidence before? Should I take my newfound strength to the NFL as a field goal kicker? I must be really strong, no?

No.

A fun and meandering argument with myself takes me out of the shame loop and gave me space between thoughts. This was when I realized I was needing be be more mindful and see the situation in the moment. Here is what happened: Instead of stopping and opening the lid with my foot, I walked towards the can mid-stride to open the lid while simultaneously walking away from the can. Economical, aren’t I? I “walked” by the can to open the lid while on my way somewhere else. This caused too much pressure to be used. Or, I was too busy just to stop and use the garbage can. Isn’t that something of a realization? Too busy to focus on pressing a pedal with the correct amount of pressure.

Trust me, I never, ever want to be that busy. The idea of slowing down, paying attention to the pressing of the foot pedal, raising the can lid within a state of mindfulness was appealing to me. I wasn’t sure why and I had to think on this point. Why does the idea of slowing down appeal to me? The idea reminded me of Aki and his content created on YouTube in his Samurai Matcha channel. He has a video linked here that I have watched a few times on cleaning. These are not “how to” videos but “why” and, importantly, how one engages their mind in the physical act of cleaning. I had not done this in my kitchen cleaning duties. Aki has had quite a few physical challenges of late where mindset has been key. His ideas of cleaning translated to mindfulness in very serious health situations, too. Just how powerful is this idea?

Once again, back to the can. I realized that I was not being present or mindful in my cleaning activities as Samurai Matcha recommends. Apparently, I automatically labeled my situation in my head as a chore or being mundane or unimportant. These ideas are what caused me to gloss over the moment and seeking the important things outside of my current activity – or increased my distraction. If I see the moment as unimportant, I am missing the joy of the activity. How can I see all moments as important? Well, one must first have the realization that they have not applied the most helpful mindset for this particular moment. I had not even realized that I had even labeled the idea of pushing the foot pedal as anything other than a chore on my way to something else. This slight cracking noise of the breaking connection totally took me out of the mental reverie I didn’t even know I was in because I was physically busy. Interesting idea.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is a lesson in most everything in life. So, I’ve stopped trying to actively change myself and am trying to become more of an observer. This is a struggle that I’m finding a constant yet rewarding battle with my ego. I’m doing OK. I do have certain behaviors that do not please me for any reason other than wanting to be happier. Mindfulness – or presence – in even the mundane can be a struggle. Sometimes, life throws an experience for you to learn the simplest of ideas – like a broken trash can. Being mindful feels like slowing down. Yet, is mindfulness truly slower? Or, our natural state. I like to think they are both the same thing.

Peace.

Navigating Your Dash: Finding Meaning in Every Moment

A friend recently told me that life is lived in ‘the Dash’ – or the line between your birth and death as written on one’s headstone. The Dash is the all-encompassing of living a life and not necessarily a life “well-lived”. What we do in “the Dash” really is all there is. The Dash is the realm of all possibilities, big and small. When we see life from the top down, like we are managing ‘the Dash’, the possibilities feel endless. However, when we look at life from within the Dash, do we really have the perspective we need? How much of “the Dash” is real and what is imagined by me as part of living my life?

I’ve been feeling of late that I need to get out of my own way as I navigate my Dash. After many years of working for someone else, my own creativity is now interrupting my ideas of what should be for me in retirement. What I didn’t truly understand is how my coping behaviors did not leave any mental space for any new ideas that might have helped shape a life. Many times, I see things that I’m hopeful for versus what truly is. Can a person have an imaginary Dash from reality? And, isn’t that also part of one’s Dash? Too many questions to answer – yet – I think I found my own personal answer. I love the idea of the possibility of a life that moves up and down around a centering thought of love and gratitude – and without judgment of self and others. This realization came from a recent experience and pointed to how I want to navigate my personal Dash.

Let me correct this: I don’t want to navigate my Dash. I want to LIVE my Dash. Feels different, doesn’t it? My first experience was amazing and I’m looking to bump along in my Dash from this vantage point. A vantage point that throws the idea of a random life out the window and where we institute a mindset that nothing is random and all is guided by our feelings and thoughts. Getting these (feelings and thoughts) correct is our Dash work. Here is an example:

I recently began working on jigsaw puzzles as part of my effort to be intentional with my time. Sitting with a puzzle piece, contemplating its placement on my landscape of colorful abstracts, slowed time down to a molasses-like pace. (Yeah, me!) This is key because, as a child, I struggled with sitting still and focusing on something like a puzzle. Or coloring book. The only way I would sit is if I was playing with my mother’s change because I was busy doing the addition and subtraction in my head. Until I began to play video games as an adult, I really couldn’t sit still as my brain always raced and propelled me to move. My job as an auditor was especially challenging and I became a master at distraction to hold my interest and focus. Many times, I would be found pacing or doing something totally inane to help me focus. My diagnosis last year of ADHD (Gray Ladies Unite) explained away many of the ‘crazies’ and I was finally capable of seeing my behavior as normal – for me – and be okay with the restlessness. This mental approval of myself had been what I was missing for my entire adult life; I’m not complaining for this way of self-berating behavior gave me this life I am now enjoying. I just now need to repair the toll of decades of self-judgment that was unchecked because this judgment made me successful. Part of that repair was embarking a self-discovery journey, including therapy.

As part of my retirement, I began a weekly ‘walking’ exercise in my town. Outside of our meeting area was a bookshelf containing books and puzzles for a causal exchange. I took my first puzzle earlier this year to try out my ability to focus and concentrate. The first few times were tough as I kept getting up to do something else – usually something needed cleaning. I became increasing frustrated and began to recognize that my need to get up and move was how I learned to cope with the restlessness.

Over a few months, I did quite a few puzzles, from nature scenes to country life. The ability to sit and understand the compulsion to always ‘get up’ and ‘do’ allowed me to now manage my mindset. What a shift! I began to seek out a new puzzle each week to practice sitting still and focusing. A few months ago, I was looking for a puzzle and just couldn’t decide. I turned my attention away from the shelf when a puzzle landed on my foot, opening up, and the contents (thankfully already placed in a slider storage bag) spilled out. This was near impossible because the puzzle almost had to be pushed to land in such a manner. The box is two inches thick and sturdy. To fall on my foot from three feet away, open up, and spill it contents was not normal. OK, Universe, color me intrigued. I was stunned to quiet which does take effort!

I picked up the puzzle and took it home with me like a secret treasure, a knowing. (No, it was a painting of a lighthouse on a cliff.) After completing the puzzle, I sat back and waited for lightening to strike, so sure that the epiphany would be immense. After all, the puzzle flew at me! (By the end of the story, this puzzle will have taken flight and baked cookies, too!) Of course, nothing happened. No magic realization, no immediate insight into the meaning of life. I really didn’t know what to think other than there was something to this puzzle. The next week, I found myself at the shelf where the puzzle was from last week trying to figure out what happened. In its place? A well-worn book called Awareness: Conversations with the Masters. Intrigued, I picked up the book and found it was written based on a retreat conducted by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. I set it back on the shelf thinking that I have read a lot of these types of books when it fell off the shelf and landed on my foot. “Just what is wrong with the shelf?” I wondered when I realized that this book was MY sign!! I snatched that book up and tucked it away into my things, now a precious gift.

I began reading the book that evening and enjoyed it so much that I purchased the audio to listen in the car. My place in the book I’m reading with my eyes is different than the audio book. I wondered when the two might align and if that would be an interesting point. And, yes, it was – and that is where I will leave this. This book just recognized how much of our life we create in our head versus what is truly real. De Mello believes that we just need to become “awake” or aware of what is real versus what is not real. (Believe me when we have a whole lotta junk that is not real. Just sayin’.)

The morale of my story is this: Let life unfold FOR you. The hard bits are also FOR you – to learn. The emotions are not easy but they tell a tale of how you see the world. The emotions point to something in YOU or how you are seeing or being in a situation. We cannot be made to feel an emotion by someone else. As a child, I did not understand that feelings are okay. It is a signpost of how you truly feel – like a gut reaction. If the feeling isn’t what you like or expect, examine it for what is there and place your own judgment aside. Open your mind and ask the harder question of yourself, without accusation. Take time to slow down and really be intentional. These feelings are guidance and can be changed. Think of it this way: When you love someone, you want to help them. Love your fellow human. Help them when you can. Love yourself too.

Peace.

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Navigating ADHD and Depression: A Personal Journey

Good morning. It’s July 21, 2024, and just after 9AM in the morning. I’ve been up since 6AM, busily doing laundry, preparing meals for the day, reading, and meditating. Just a little bit of an “administrative” day: Grocery shopping, a baseball game, and spending some time in post-apocalyptic West Virginia in Fallout 76. It’s been almost six months since my last post and I thought to give a bit of an update on my ADHD journey.

My diagnosis was confirmed in February, with a little twist: Depression. ADHD has a few co-morbidity traits and one of these is depression. Many times, patients present with depression as I have in the past. What is important is that treatment include depression but also addresses the root cause – if one can be determined. Mismanaged ADHD can lead to depression. I’m being treated for depression yet the ADHD is still prevalent so I’ve begun working on managing my ADHD symptoms.

ADHD presents differently depending on your gender, age, and your particular symptoms. Not all ADHD is the same so one must really develop self-awareness. Some of the particular characteristics are here. My symptoms include: impulsivity, reliance on sugar for dopamine, time blindness, interrupting people, anxiety, over-sharing, people-pleasing, body-doubling, mirroring, and an overall restlessness that can equate to becoming bored. I have extreme hyper-focus yet must distract myself with physical tiredness to do tasks that I don’t want to do (e.g., write my school report, pay bills, etc.)

UPDATE: 9/27/24. Last month, I received my ADHD diagnosis and confirmation that my depression was a co-morbidity. Treat the co-morbidity without treating the source and I would be – once again – on the hamster wheel to diagnosis. Having this diagnosis – explaining that my personality ‘quirks’ are actually neurodivergence – is a bit startling. When a person believes themselves to be broken – for decades – and to find out that this “life” – or what I’ve made of my “life” – can be explained through physical differences between me and someone else is really, really disconcerting.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Stopping my attempts to conform is now my goal so I can really cease the mental “Leroy” in me. I’m also seeing these qualities in others and understanding our differences has helped me to accept them…and myself. My tolerance (read=acceptance) of myself and others has really improved. The journey and catalyst are all subjects for their own telling.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Peace.

An Unexpected Turn Brings Clarity

This is a blog post that will change everything for me. Sometimes, we have such a profound experience that the experience must create a new path or trajectory for our life. This is one of those moments that I’m sharing in the hopes that someone else impacted by this can obtain additional information and seek treatment. Here is my story thus far – more to come. And, this is a story of my own personal joy. Joy at having found an answers I didn’t understand I was seeking.

In the path of our lives, we realize certain personality quirks or traits that we accumulated or were taught through the observation and emulation of others’ behaviors. This can be a parental influence or some other authority figure which then creates a weight with us. Like “Mom must know, she is always right about these things” or “Dr. So-and-so said that blah, blah, blah….”. We take whatever that is and adapt it into our own traits in a type of maladaptive behavior without truly understanding. There is a cost to this which we pay in various ways which I’m realizing can eat at one’s own person/being. Bite by bite, the cost can be felt at various key moments yet they aren’t tied back to the original source of the issue but whatever is being reflected in that moment. We take the moment, process it, and move on but fail to consider another causality. Another possible reason.

I’ve been spending the past two weeks with my mind really cooking up a glorious buffet of possibility.  I’m letting my big brain run amok – giving it permission to ramble and meander through some of the mental dust I’ve gathered over the past five or so decades, and sift through the memories of what…well….was. I’m referring to my thinking as my “big brain” by design for I’m learning so much about how I think and the experiences from this journey. Learning from the past to change my present has always been one of my hallmark behaviors. This “lack of control” of my big brain is not my normal course but, frankly, I’m really tired. Exhausted. Tired of fighting my big brain. So, I’ve let the brain run amok, unfettered, like a horse which senses the freedom that running provides. My big brain is cascading over its retaining walls of controls that I have created over the course of my lifetime. My big brain is leading me on a variety of adventures and, you know what? My exhaustion is slowly fading with the understanding that this rambling is, for me, my normal behavior – and is OK. 

Wow. I’m OK. 

I’m doing this “big braining” on purpose – an experiment if you will – based on an “ah-ha” moment of realization….the realization that my brain may not work the same as other’s brains. Or, my “Eureka!” moment finally arrived.

My husband and I were having a tired argument of my not listening to him. I say it is tired because he always has the same complaint and my answer to him was always that I am listening to him I just can’t process what he is saying as I miss parts in my head. I cannot imagine how frustrating that may feel for him – you’ll note here that HE is my first concern, not me. (I’m a classic people pleaser.) This time, I decided to Google the terms relating to why I miss what someone says either the beginning or the ending of their statements. (I find I lose my train of thought with most people so this is not a husband/wife thing. In leadership training, this was a problem for me as well.) Usually, I find a lot about active listening: how to listen, engage, and reflect to the individual. (This may be why I write a lot about communication in this blog?) I began to read again on active listening to find that “thing” I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all. This is my normal M.O.: Find out was is wrong and fix it. The data the Google search returned was not quite correct for my situation. Further refinement was made and – Holy Moley! – I got the shock of my life: ADHD? Naaaaaaahhhhh.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Hyper? (WT proverbial F! GOOGLE! How stupid are you?) I’m not hyper and am carrying an extra 100 pounds on my frame to prove it. Yes, well, my brain is very hyperactive. Am I impulsive? No, not really…NOW. (Actually, in editing this, I must admit I am still impulsive but I’m selectively impulsive and my 100 lipsticks prove it!) I think we all have a bit of impulsiveness in us but, when the impulsivity leads us to bad situations, it becomes an issue. How about the time I spent $1,000 at 18 on skis and boots because I was going to become a downhill skier? Unfortunately, I ran out of money because I bought this all on my first credit card and used the entire credit line for the skis and boots. Bindings? Couldn’t afford them – and skis are useless without them. (Took me three years to pay that off.) My father used to joke with me that it would be cheaper for me to wash my clothing and not keep buying new. Most of the new clothes, however, would not fit long and were for a body that I did not have. I really spent money I didn’t have until I was on my own, hungry, with no money. I also got tired of ducking bill collectors. (Yes, that person was ME!) I really began to be able to save money when I met my husband who is a very good saver. My saving habit thus far had been involuntary 401K deductions for the idea of retirement and needing to fend for myself. I mirrored him on his spending and saving habits. And, because he was so good with money, I became better and began saving because I was saving for us….not just me anymore.

Mirroring is something I became very good at doing – naturally. I mirrored every boss I ever worked for until I found something that was off in them which created an issue in me. I would meltdown into goo and try to figure out what happened and how I can “fix” myself. I moved from California to New York without ever having been to New York. Why? My mentor, who I emulated, was not the person I thought and I needed a different mentor – and found a new one across the country. In this journey, however, I found I was never true to myself. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life for I wasn’t sure a choice was every presented. What was hammered into me at a very early age was that I am the only person who can take care of myself and that I needed to do whatever I could to ensure that I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and a bit of cash in the bank. Period.

Circle back to today. The ADHD possibility and my hyperfocused research in the area has stirred up some painful and long dormant memories that, when seen in an ADHD light, clearly show a pattern of an issue that would have been helped had I received proper treatment as a child. (I have family who will remain nameless who could be the poster child for ADHD and has not received ANY treatment.) My issue began at age 8 when, in fourth grade, I was caught cheating on my math homework. (I didn’t do the homework as it was boring.) I also could not organize the assignments because this teacher gave them out verbally and I did not have the ability to take this abstractly stated messaging into actionable steps; I needed help that I didn’t get. The year was 1971 and, if I wasn’t the kid running around in the class, I was not considered hyper even though my mind was out of control. I’ve since learned how to set up myself for success thinking I needed visual cues as I was a ‘visual learner’…and this path took many years of sheer grit. Using an external release ‘valve’ was also how I finally succeeded in college: On line. Lectures in college were torture – so much so that I’d rather have my teeth pulled out without anesthesia then to sit in a lecture about something I had little to no interest in. I’d fall asleep, snoring loudly. Or, I’d need to get up or would fidget by tapping my toes in my shoes. I learned that, in order to complete my college work, I would need to give into my desire to be physically active so I could distract myself and concentrate on the assignment. This physical work allowed my mind to tumble the paper and research so that I could write my paper…and always at the last minute. (I would set up strategies of how I could chunk out the tasks yet could not do what I knew would help me or make my project easier.) I also had the benefit of a clean house. (Yay for #smallwins!) I learned that I could also distract myself by eating – something salty and crunchy. The sound of the crunch and the tactileness of the salty chip allowed me to focus on reading. These worked for me and I had no idea that these are very typical of someone with ADHD.

The results of being caught cheating? I really don’t recall as I was not punished or spoken to and, up until this moment, it never occurred to be to ask why. My parents told me at that time that I was smart but lacking in social skills. (Or, I was immature – still am. LOL) I got the information correct but the teachers could not see my work. I was smart, but the details were way too confusing to me and I didn’t know how to express this. It felt like I was deficient. (I actually discovered the same trait in my professional career, too. TLDR (Too Long Didn’t Read) should be my initials.) I believe I may have been thought “willfull” in my lack of attention because I could be super-focused to the point of indistraction if I was interested…and, for heaven’s sake, don’t ever try and talk to me while having the television playing. I can guarantee you I will not be hearing you. I’ll see your mouth move, yes. I won’t, however, be able to process what you are saying to me. This has been my running joke: If you want to distract me, turn on the TV. In medical offices, I’ve learned to turn my back to the TV or I can zone out on HGTV.

What I also recall being discussed was my reading comprehension where the teacher would read and I would need to answer verbally-given questions. If she read something I liked, I was there. However, if the materials were boring or my head was particularly spacey that day, I would just go off into my own little world of dreams. The teacher became the “blah, blah, blah” so common in the Peanuts character shows. No one bothered to ask me because I was smart enough to cover this lack. I created little coping mechanisms throughout my years which helped me “deal”. I believe I was labled as “willful” and assigned special seats in class as a result of my coping. My parents were told that my problem was that THEY didn’t speak English to me at home. What I believe occured is that my parents were treated with unconscious bias because they spoke heavily accented German so my issues, my teachers surmised, were from their lack of language skills. 

What the teachers failed to “get” was that my parents DID NOT TEACH US GERMAN. Having lived through WWII Germany, they immigrated to the U.S. to give their family a better life…so they taught us English so we could be successful. My issue was that I was inattentive because my big brain couldn’t be managed – I did not yet possess those tools. I, too, blamed myself for my inability to focus but my focus – or lack of focus – was inconsistent. (That didn’t matter for this was and is still seen by me as a personal failure.) I could not make myself sit through things I thought were boring or uninteresting – even if I needed the class. I began working at 17 full time to compensate for my inability to sit in a classroom….and NO ONE NOTICED! I didn’t apply for college….had the applications but couldn’t organize them to figure things out. My IQ tested off the charts yet I went to Community College and flunked out as I could not sit in lectures and became very spacey with homework. 

The idea of ADHD brought back all of my life and things just began to click into place. All of my habits I’ve created to cope. All of my odd behaviors and the genus of these. My lack of attention let me believe I was a bad friend or partner. A personal failing or that I was a failure. I write about the really critical voice I named “Leroy” which is typical of one with ADHD. I had no idea and wrote of these things as if we all had them – and I was sharing information you may not have considered. The hypercritical thinking was diagnosed as depression, body dysmorphia, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). These may be true but there is another cause: Untreated ADHD. Yep. ALL OF IT CAN BE TIED TO THIS.

I’m seeing my doctor next week. If this is, in fact, the cause of my situation, I cannot imagine the profound difference being treated will make for me to just ease up a bit in my mind. To be able to gauge my current impact, I have begun to identify my various coping mechanisms and overthinking habits to cease them in an attempt to mentally rest. My appointment is in the afternoon and I’m considering cancelling my entire day so I don’t forget and can get there on time. This is classic ADHD behavior that, in the past, Leroy would have said I didn’t need to do that and would have corrected me. Now that Leroy is on vacation, I wonder what trouble I’m going to get into?

The moral of my story is this: Don’t rest until you get your answer and don’t judge when the answer is unexpected. This is where ADHD is a super power.

Peace.

Author’s edit: While reviewing this post, I’ve gotten up, used the restroom, put a load of laundry in the dryer, made another cup of coffee, and have returned to be able to focus. Yes, I already had laundry going when I began this post! If I’m not always simultaneously doing at least two things at once, I think I’m failing at life. Also, some progress. When I woke up this morning, I thought it was Monday and began to prepare for work. Concerned, I checked that a storm was coming in (Monday) and wondered who won the Super Bowl. ”Wasn’t that yesterday?” I thought. Hmmm….was a few moments before I realized that the game hadn’t been played as yet. Or, that it was really Sunday and not Monday. No Leroy to yell at me for getting this wrong and I’m OK just being me.  

Are You Lagging When You Should Be Leading?

What would you do or who would you be if you knew the end of your life? Or, in other words, if you were guaranteed a specific result based on your desired outcomes? There are some things in life where your behavior guarantees certain outcomes. Yet, why don’t we do these behaviors when we are able to in order to achieve said desired result? It is in the daily habits that we succeed yet we don’t have that final ‘done’ feeling at the end of the day. I just hate feeling like things are undone and wondered if this happens to you, too. What I learned about my own thinking helped me to see how my lack of understanding actually was contributing to my immediate dissatisfaction. My question to solve: How do I realize my big goals that will take time to achieve? (Consistency.) How do I establish consistency? (Cue sound of crickets.) I realized that I may have been looking at my big goals in the wrong way.

Let me explain.

In my thinking, there are two types of goal timelines: lag and lead. To me, “lag” means a goal that is realized in the future based on the culmination of the past. A “lead” to me means that the change right now will have an instant result. Or, your lead behaviors result in the achievement of your lag goals. Generally, these terms are usually defined in business situations where your lag goal (e.g., revenue goals, etc.) are realized over time through the performance of a ‘lead’ goal (e.g., increasing sales, etc.). FranklinCovey has brought this into the human performance discussion as follows – and pay particular attention to the idea of ‘measures’ versus ‘goals’ which is where my distinction is a bit different:

“While a lag measure tells you if you’ve achieved the goal, a lead measure tells you if you are likely to achieve the goal…No matter what you are trying to achieve, your success will be based on two kinds of measures: Lag and Lead…Lags are measures [emphasis added] you spend time losing sleep over. They are things like revenue, profit, quality, and customer satisfaction. They are called lags because by the time you see them, the performance that drove them has already passed. You can’t do anything to fix them; they are history.

Lead measures [emphasis added] track the critical activities that drive or lead to the lag measure. They predict the success of the lag measure and are influenced directly by the team. An example of a lag measure is weight loss. Which activities or lead measures will lead to weight loss? Diet and exercise! Proper diet and exercise predict the success of weight loss, and they are activities that we can directly influence. Simple enough, but be careful: even the smartest people fall into the trap of fixating on a lag measure that they can’t directly influence. This is because lags are easier to measure and they represent the result we ultimately want. Think of a lead measure as a lever that moves your Wildly Important Goal®.”

I emphasized in the above quote that FC was discussing ‘measures’ as opposed to ‘goals’. These feel different to me so I thought to ask my old friend, Mr. Google, what he thought. According to this website of a company which helps online business improve their presence and profitability, the definition was more towards financial. However, this definition is a bit easier to understand in terms of a goal/achievement discussion/context:

  • Goal: desired end result
    • Examples: number of leads per month, dollars in sales per month, number of job applicants per job post
  • Metric: measurement
    • Examples: website visits, email subscribers, contact form inquiries

Using this conceptual framework, I interpreted my lag goal of weight loss would only be realized by lead activities or measures each day that, over time, will give me the lag result. (I believe weight loss – or loss of any kind – is a poor goal. I don’t want to lose something as a goal; I want to gain something and that, Gentle Reader, is my health and sense of self.) My first shift was in the energy and momentum of gaining something (versus losing something). However, I also found that I have been focusing on my lag goal expecting lead results. Or, I need to exercise greater patience and tolerance with myself each day to allow me the space to achieve over time, taking my lag goal a day at a time through lead activities. Instead of hanging my hat on the overall lag goal, I’m focusing on today which is all I’m guaranteed – and maybe not even the whole day! I’m trusting that I will have another opportunity to do more tomorrow. And, in that, I’ve realized that my lead activities must involve self-care to create an environment for me to be successful. I’ve begun mentally focusing on the ‘lead’ activity each day without a focus on the bigass “lag” goal because the long term focus is not helpful for me, today, and will be realized if I can be successful TODAY. Not Tuesday, but TODAY. (This is my journey and yours will be different. The idea of this is for you to create some space in your heart to not be so self-critical in failure.)

I realized that I’ve been measuring many of my habits with lag goal expectations when they need to be a finer level of goal. I began making this shift about a year ago with really small steps. Mine was routine manicures. This is a visual reminder of my lead habit realizing my long term lag goal for every time I look at my hands, I feel a sense of peace. It is a little habit I created – very simple – and extremely effective. This led me to a bigger goal: feeling better in my body as I age.

Feeling better in my body took on quite a few more specific goals: eating well, mental health, improving my patience and tolerance with myself, and the creation of a daily “anchoring” exercise habit. Before I could get to the daily exercise, I had to start really small. Right now, I am currently riding my stationary bike 3.5 miles a day in 15 minutes. This is up from my starting point of 10 minutes 1.5 miles. (Progression in my lead goals leads to progress in the lag goals.) I initially tried to begin by doing 10 minutes, no mileage restriction. Did that for a day and stopped. I felt really down on myself, going down a familiar path of negative self-talk and beratement. Rather than beat myself up, I looked at myself as a corporation and did a ‘lessons learned’ on my experience. (Unemotional!!!!) I asked myself what worked before? I answered with “Nothing, you idiot.” (The negativity was overwhelming!) I then spoke to myself as I would someone who was not me, or kinder. I asked myself what could I do that is a smaller step than actually getting on my bike? Or, where was my beginning baseline for I needed to establish a smaller habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease.

What could I do? I got dressed. That was it, folks. I got dressed. This was where I was for about two weeks as I contemplated the bike. I needed to feel the inspiration and the desire to expand. (This is KEY!) I sat in this place and just loved myself for getting dressed. One day, I thought, I can do the bike now. Because I had the getting dressed habit already nailed, I naturally returned to the bike. This created momentum and, each day, I get dressed and get on the bike.

How do I know I have momentum? Well, interestingly enough, I also did a ‘lessons learned’ on why I was successful, too. (Study your successes as they teach you just like failure is a teacher and not a final result.) I give myself one day of rest each week and I really find that the following day is extremely difficult for me to obtain the same performance as the day before my break. This shows me just how important momentum is in our habits. We must ride one wave onto the shore before finding our next wave to get us even further. Now, I expect to be a little sluggish after a day off and that is OK too.

Note this again: I actually did not begin on the bike for about two weeks until I felt the getting dressed in my bike shorts, tee shirt, and sneakers was a habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease. I’m repeating this because it is extremely important for you to begin where you are currently, and what you think you may add without too much drama. Stop thinking you should be further along because you are lying to yourself. You are where you should be because your habits created this place. It’s all OK. You are OK.

You know, we humans strive for comfort and it is through our lead daily activities that we reach our lag goals. Many times, our goals are opposite our desire for comfort so this change must be confronted in a kind and loving manner. Reaching your lag goals will create new opportunities for reflection and new travels. Be prepared for you will have a whole new world open up. For me, the exercise habit has become an ‘anchoring’ goal for my entire morning routine. This includes coffee, medicines, breakfast preparation, and my Morning Pages. (Morning Pages are an awesome way to get rid of your mental clutter – highly recommend some sort of journaling support for you as a lead supportive activity.)

Harvard Pilgrim Healthcare, a leading healthcare company, described the term “anchor habits” in this way which I found very true. (Here is a link to their article with good information.) “Anchor habits are small, core routines that are ingrained within us like getting up each day or, for some, exercising. Once you have an anchor habit, it’s also easier to continue adding to your routine and achieving more.” Creating an anchor habit takes time and is well-worth the journey. This journey helps you create a healthy sense of self-discipline which is one of the cornerstones of self-care. Love yourself enough to create the discipline you need to achieve your lag goals with daily lead activities.

Peace.

Get Well, Anthony Rizzo!

The title of this post is probably confusing but it really highlights my journey and what I’ve recently learned about ‘flow’. And, in case you are still confused, life is all about ‘flow’ or ‘energy’. My writings dabble in this from time to time recanting my amazing recollections or epiphanies of thought that I feel are so advanced and engaging. (LOL!) How ‘un-humble’ of me! An experience of flow that I’m sharing with you now will give you the background of this post…and the meaning of the title.

I recently had family visit from out of town to stay at a local Airbnb. My cousin provided me with information about the location and I validated it to be okay. Wanting to provide them with a little gift basket, I mailed a nice card to the proprietor and asked that he text me so I could arrange to drop off a few items in a gift basket. I took care to write my note with the feeling I felt (joy, elation) at my visiting family. The response was amazing and I went with the ‘flow’ – and met some really great people. During our conversation, the proprietor, Mike, and I found we had a lot in common, and were amazed at how life just lays out before one if we just be patient and manage our energy (and perspective). That was when I told Mike I had one other thing I felt called to do: Send a Get Well card to Anthony Rizzo. Mike advised that I should do this and, instead of mailing any old Hallmark, I decided to post my get well message for Anthony as it was part of a larger lesson to do what I’m feeling is right based on my heart, or heart-forward.

So, who is Anthony Rizzo? Anthony Rizzo is the first baseman for the New York Yankees. Rizzo, 34, drafted in 2007, has played for a number of teams and always seemed to be a mild-mannered, affable guy. A fierce competitor. At least, as a fan, this is how he was portrayed by the media. However, Rizzo is also a cancer survivor, having had Hodgkin lymphoma in 2008 as a young man. He has established a charitable foundation to provide aid to families who have similar experiences which is very integral to the mission of his life. This is a guy that pays his good fortune forward…and backward . A class act; a mensch. After a collision on May 28th with Fernando Tatis, Jr., of the San Diego Padres, he continued to play but struggled. The struggle was really visible and you could see his frustration just mount and mount. Finally, after months of struggling, the team placed him on the injured list (IL) so he could work through what appeared to be a concussion resulting from the collision.

During this time between injury and placement on the IL, he was routinely booed by fans in the stadium. (Us television watchers would be yelling at the screen so we were far from innocent.) The yelling felt wrong because one could plainly see his angst on his face. I began feeling like I was yelling at a wounded beloved animal for being wounded. (Who does that!!??) So, I decided to begin a silent meditation or prayer for him to be better. No, not necessarily to hit better (sheesh!) but just to ‘be’ better for he looked so awkward in his struggles. (Thankfully, my bad days at work are not televised on national airwaves!) I began to speak to my husband about the energy this created for Anthony and how I thought this was bad for the entire team. Now don’t get me wrong: Booing at Yankee Stadium is a right of passage when purchasing the ticket. Afterall, if I paid those prices, struggled to the stadium, spent half a mortgage payment on concessions, I’d be booing as well if the team appeared to not care. I realized that the ‘appearance’ and my thinking about this was the key. My perception was that the team did not care. I recognized that this was MY perception and was not true. So, my other alternative viewpoint was to assume they cared – and struggled as a result of the caring. This made more sense to me as the true situation which was difficult because no one wants to watch their team (or family, spouse, beloved pet, or anything else they cared about) struggle without being able to help them. (I think it is against a healthy human nature to not help others.) This resetting allowed me to begin cheering for my team and, in earnest, the players that they would realize their dreams and full potential. (I wanted to ‘sage’ the house after the Red Sox recent sweep, too, but the hubby wasn’t having any of that. LOL.)

This season caused me to pause about what it means to be a true fan. I began thinking about how we could cheer for our teams even during the crap times. My husband and I began to really notice the booing trend – and I did not like it one bit. Fans need to be encouraging during good and BAD times. Repeat: BAD TIMES. For every up, there is a down. We need to manage both ends of the swing to be in the center to enjoy what we have and look forward to what is in our horizon. We spoke of this at length for every boo of Aaron Judge – again, who does that!? Then, the Philadelphia Phillies fans did something I wanted the Yankees’ fans to do that was truly remarkable: They ’embraced’ their struggling player, Trea Turner, by giving him a standing ovation during a particularly rough patch which gave him the energy he needed to excel. Kudos to the classy Phillies’ fans who supported their team and player. The turnaround was remarkable. Turner was always a great player but, now, he is also a Phillie.

We continue to watch the Yankees as they have a losing season but now we stick with the team. As fans, we may want bragging rights to continue. However, I decided that I want better for the people who comprise the Yankees as people. And, thus, I really want Anthony Rizzo to get well. Because, he has a lot of non-baseball work to do – and the world needs more Anthony Rizzos.

Get well, Anthony Rizzo. And, thanks. Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 3: Depression/Anxiety Lane

As I write this blog post, I am enjoying some vacation time. My journey is continuing and I’m making real progress, both mentally and physically. My emotions are less varied and my tolerance and patience for myself – and others – is growing. I can feel my mind just becoming clearer and clearer with each day. How wonderful my journey has been thus far and I can see myself moving from Depression/Anxiety Lane to a new home on Beautiful Life Way. This will be a shorter post because this subject is really critical for people and I in no way wish to minimalize or trigger any feelings. If you suffer from these conditions, please seek help. Be your own counsel, and use common sense. My journey is my own and I’m sharing this to help others seek their own help.

I learned that I felt better when I ate sugar. Candy gave me a lot of energy; the crash was bearable because I could always eat more candy if I felt poorly. Candy led to cake and I used to joke that I could be happy eating cake for dinner. (Thinking about this now gives me a queasy stomach.) My weight ballooned as I tried diet after diet, only to be pulled back into the sugar web of desires. Here is what my experiences in life have taught me:

Moderation/Restriction does not work for an addict.

If one is an alcoholic, do we just tell them to have one less drink a day? Or, if I’m a heroin addict, is the solution “just do a little in moderation” very beneficial? (NO!) Did you know that sugar has the same effect on the brain as heroin? So, the answer to reduce your cake portion seems absurd. This does not work. In a heroin addict’s situation, however, there is a methadone solution which I equate to use of artificial sweetners. In this, I have been able to sustain my focus by using Splenda in my coffee. That sweetness has become a bit much and I’m slowly reducing my use of that product, too.

Eating whole foods that do not convert to sugar is another key aspect of my journey. It is not just reducing sugar intake, it is also about reducing how my body treats the food I ingest. Or, if I eat sugar or if my food turns into sugar, I have the same reaction: Addiction. This addiction results physical and emotional responses that can include anxiety and depression. I realized that in my changing and emerging knowledge about myself and the possible correlations to my desires for sugar, I’m seeing through the veil of mental cloudiness so much clearer than ever before. I’ve replaced my dopamine source to one that is more sustainable: physical movement.

One thing I have learned is that our obstacles create opportunities for growth. Addiction, whatever it is, may help us to realize that there are larger problems at play which are expressing themselves through our choices (or addictions). The journey to wellness is not a paved road but one which contains pot holes, detours, missing bridges, and seems to go for miles. Just remember that every journey must begin somewhere. Just start and let the beginning continue to be your guide post.

Peace.