Living Without The Constant Check: Navigating Technology Guilt

I’m not sure when “being connected” became something I needed and, ultimately, dreaded. In retirement, my days begin with my being immersed in my phone looking at email, social media, my bank account, investments, and local news. (Did I take my morning medication? Maybe, maybe not.) I think the habit of “checking in” with media began back in the early 2000’s when I commuted into New York City each day – about 2.5 hours from my house to my desk, door-to-door – with watching the news. I got the weather forecast, city news, commuting information, and everything I needed to decide if this was the day I needed to stay home. The was before mobile phones had internet. I was always hoping and looking for happiness in staying home, snug in my bed, which became overwhelming and very tempting. Everyday, I’d have coffee with Maurice DuBois, the news anchor, who would inform me of everything I thought I needed to know. Then, I’d tell myself to get to the office as I needed to support my family. THIS was my single motivating factor for working. (I did not realize this until retirement and at a significant personal cost.)

Fast forward a few years with the advancement of technology. My phone became my pocket assistant, reminding me of everything I wanted to do and usually failed at: To do lists, appointments, calendar notes, texts, goals – you name it, I berated myself for not being one of those people who could walk, talk, text, and laugh all at the same time. The tool I had in my hand was so powerful that I knew, one day, it w/could be my personal assistant…and THIS would be when I finally would be happy. Life would be coordinated into this little device and would finally give me a sense of peace. Fulfillment. Happiness.

<Sigh.> Just WHAT was I thinking about here anyway. Today, I consider this way of thinking as looping between searching and living. Yet, it took me many years to figure this out (ergo “looping”). Sometimes, we are searching for something in our living within the phone – or not. I do think people have varying degrees of engagement with technology depending on many psychological factors. For me, my identity shifting became wrapped up in my phone. And, this shift is just not as simple as leaving the phone in another room. No – the shift needs to be in my mindset and how I see the phone as a tool. This is a struggle I have each day because I fall back into old patterns as I am still working on replacing these patterns with better habits. I haven’t found them just as yet and have realized that the habits will find me when my timing is right – for me.

Life is about timing and phases, and understanding that each of these will change without me needed to DO or BE anything. My job these days is to notice how I’m feeling and adapt. Yep. Whatever “adapt” means to me – at that time. All of my life, I have fought against the current to build these muscles because I thought that was my job in this life as a human. Being different. Being unique. Making a big difference. I find myself tired – truly tired – of fighting against the current. I’m desiring a bit of meandering, finding my flow, and just being easy. With myself. With others. Having no agenda. Maybe this should be my New Year’s resolution: No Agenda, No Plan. And, Breathe.

Is this too easy? Hell no. As a recovering overachiever, doing nothing is still something. With my ADHD, I can always have my body sit still. OK, maybe my foot is tapping and I’m banging my finger on my leg – still for ME. My mind, however, is doing back flips and intricate problem solving that I’m totally unaware of until I blurt out some random sentence and realize I’ve had this whole conversation with myself in the middle of another conversation – WITH PEOPLE! Yet, I am a serial procrastinator as I know what I need to do and cannot make myself do this thing. This is when I realized my procrastination wasn’t an identity. It is a RESPONSE – and usually with an emotional tie. What is the procrastination telling me? Depends on each situation. I did decide that having the label was not fair to myself so I’m working on removing this label from my sense of self. I realized that I am someone who cannot make myself do something I don’t want to do without a SIGNIFICANT toll on my mental health. This is the ADHD impact. And, I’ve routinely told myself vile and hurtful things as a type of motivation….that isn’t. There are repercussions to this way of motivation that I’m currently unpacking – in my own time.

No Agenda, No Plan, Breathe. Good resolutions.

Happy New Year!

Mindfulness Lessons from a Broken Trash Can

I broke my kitchen garbage can the other day. The can – this one – has a pedal that one must depress with their foot to open the lid. Below the pedal is a stabilizing metal bar that keeps the can from toppling forward when in use. The stabilizing bar is what broke…again.

This is supposed to be the trash can that can survive an apocalypse. The first time it broke was late last year and we chalked this up to a faulty mechanism or bad design. “Is nothing made as it used to be?” we wondered once again, lamenting for those good old days that were neither good nor long enough ago. We both turned into MacGyver, turning the can over, and assessing the situation. A strong adhesive to glue in the corners of the stabilizing metal bar and plastic fittings was completed. Crisis averted? Or, just delayed?

Last week, while depressing the foot petal to raise the lid, I heard that telltale sound of a crack to the stabilizing bar. Recognizing the sound, I stopped to check my own behavior, or to check in with myself. (This is new – paying attention. My ADHD internalized so much!) I’ve become more aware of my own participation in life and “things”, and my tendency to shove everything into an external blame situation. My mind began with “what a piece of crap” and stopped mid-thought with a new idea. Instead of blaming the poor kitchen receptacle that just sits in judgment of me, was there something I did that contributed to it breaking? Did I press too hard with my foot? (Enter sense of shame.) Just how sensitive is this thing anyway? (See, the habit is a hard one to break!)

That was when I recognized the issue I needed to handle was not about the trash can at all. In fact, it is the same issue with a new and exciting flavor: mindfulness with a dash of presence. Or, how can I get more out of my head. I’m being guided and shown this idea in a variety of situations. (Yes, guided. More on that topic to come.) Situations that are a lot more serious than a broken piece of a garbage can.

I learned that, in caring for my dying mother, the responsibility was so tremendous, and I felt honored and humbled by the turn of events. My sister and I took extra care of her, cleaning her, reading to her, talking to her, and ensuring her comfort… just like when she did for us as babies. We kissed her, loved on her, and tried to be the best daughters to the best mother in the world. This required my full attention and presence. When I was distracted, I effortlessly pulled my focus back to my mother. This was a life and death situation and needed me totally aware so the correct decisions were made. Since then, my husband and I also cared for our dying and much beloved dog, Toby, which was also an honor of a different kind – yet, it taps the same feelings of love and protection but with differing angles. In caring for Toby, I found myself becoming angry at “having to do” and did not like the feeling at all! I didn’t understand these emotions as they felt disingenuous and conflicted with my heart. These new emotions did not honor nor represent my feelings for my beloved miracle pet and felt just wrong. So, instead of squelching this into some new package, I felt the emotions. These were sadness, loss, grief, and a sense of loneliness – and the same emotions I felt in processing these losses. What was I to learn by these events?

What changed in both of these situations was me: my mindset of gratitude and acceptance of both the situation and myself. I allowed myself to feel these emotions in a more healthier way. I cried, hugged, cooked, cleaned – all the physical things to make my body as tired as my mind felt. Sleep and distraction were also my friends along with a dose of “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” Such a difficult yet educational time in my life that I’m glad I learned something from these situations!

Now, back to the can. I accepted that I heard a crack and that I had once again broken the can. Stopping mid-stride away from the can, I began to assess just what happened. Being in the present moment – or being mindful of this moment – was key for me. The crack of the can brought me out of a state of unawareness and into a present sense of reality. The ideas of being mindful and being present are issues I have been working on in myself for a while now through a program of meditation. You see, my particular brand of ADHD is dreamy and very internal. I can drift off in my mind to some other place and am not be fully present during a conversation. Usually something said will trigger something in my brain and I get transported to another place. Trauma meets ADHD – or life floating on a cloud. Sounds nice, right? Not really. In serious conversations, I would frequently lose the thread of the conversation. I used to try and engage the speaker so I could grasp this weakening conversation thread only to interrupt the speaker and distract them in the same way that I was also distracted. Then, because I was very good at recovery (practice makes perfect), I could interject a few words here, sound amazing, and the speaker would just be left confused.

This is a key aspect of my brand of ADHD and my neurodivergent brain –or my personal superpower. It is a learned response and not necessarily a good one. I can mentally travel years in a single second! Forward or – sometimes in reverse. Yet, my memory is for shit. During these times – it’s not always – I would be yelling at myself for this habit, chastising myself for being selfish or standoffish, and not even having a correct recollection due to my own distraction! (Imagine living in THAT place?) “Why can’t I pay attention?” I’d lament to myself. “How…” insert label here “…stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean…..are you? You name it, I’ve called myself this name. Many times over. Thinking this was abnormal and that I was broken. Yes, maybe this isn’t normal but it is MY normal – and I have a legitimate physical reason for the behavior. I’m not stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean for this.

Today, I am in a place of acceptance. I’m not selfish or standoffish – as my mother used to say to me. I’m DISTRACTED by my own thoughts that are now layering in yours and getting all jumbled up and confused. Sometimes I need to stop and re-frame my thinking – and ask for time needed to ‘catch up’ or for someone to repeat themselves. This can be very difficult for the person speaking and has caused troubling interactions and unintended offense. Today, I’ve learned that this tendency originates from a neurodivergent brain. This diagnosis gave me the ability to accept ADHD as part of me, an explanation for certain behaviors. This is not my entire identity but gave me greater awareness and, thus, the ability to create positive behavior strategies.

Or, I stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself. I am accepting my mental dreaming as part of my own personal human uniqueness. This is why the ADHD diagnosis is so important. It explained so much and gave me the ability to accept what is and without the condemnation of self. This wasn’t a behavior problem to be solved. My issues were my natural coping mechanism and my ability to focus and be present.

I began to see the trash can more as a mirror for me to recognize that I was doing something wrong. No, wrong isn’t quite correct. That is my old self talking. Today, I’m doing something out of congruence with my feelings. Self-acceptance is very powerful and a key tool for me. What am I being told by the breaking of the stabilization bar? Well, obviously I’m using too much pressure on the can with my foot.

So, instead of complaining about the can or being angry at something breaking, I became curious. Why is the pressure I’m using breaking this can feature? Is it my superhuman foot strength that has never been in evidence before? Should I take my newfound strength to the NFL as a field goal kicker? I must be really strong, no?

No.

A fun and meandering argument with myself takes me out of the shame loop and gave me space between thoughts. This was when I realized I was needing be be more mindful and see the situation in the moment. Here is what happened: Instead of stopping and opening the lid with my foot, I walked towards the can mid-stride to open the lid while simultaneously walking away from the can. Economical, aren’t I? I “walked” by the can to open the lid while on my way somewhere else. This caused too much pressure to be used. Or, I was too busy just to stop and use the garbage can. Isn’t that something of a realization? Too busy to focus on pressing a pedal with the correct amount of pressure.

Trust me, I never, ever want to be that busy. The idea of slowing down, paying attention to the pressing of the foot pedal, raising the can lid within a state of mindfulness was appealing to me. I wasn’t sure why and I had to think on this point. Why does the idea of slowing down appeal to me? The idea reminded me of Aki and his content created on YouTube in his Samurai Matcha channel. He has a video linked here that I have watched a few times on cleaning. These are not “how to” videos but “why” and, importantly, how one engages their mind in the physical act of cleaning. I had not done this in my kitchen cleaning duties. Aki has had quite a few physical challenges of late where mindset has been key. His ideas of cleaning translated to mindfulness in very serious health situations, too. Just how powerful is this idea?

Once again, back to the can. I realized that I was not being present or mindful in my cleaning activities as Samurai Matcha recommends. Apparently, I automatically labeled my situation in my head as a chore or being mundane or unimportant. These ideas are what caused me to gloss over the moment and seeking the important things outside of my current activity – or increased my distraction. If I see the moment as unimportant, I am missing the joy of the activity. How can I see all moments as important? Well, one must first have the realization that they have not applied the most helpful mindset for this particular moment. I had not even realized that I had even labeled the idea of pushing the foot pedal as anything other than a chore on my way to something else. This slight cracking noise of the breaking connection totally took me out of the mental reverie I didn’t even know I was in because I was physically busy. Interesting idea.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is a lesson in most everything in life. So, I’ve stopped trying to actively change myself and am trying to become more of an observer. This is a struggle that I’m finding a constant yet rewarding battle with my ego. I’m doing OK. I do have certain behaviors that do not please me for any reason other than wanting to be happier. Mindfulness – or presence – in even the mundane can be a struggle. Sometimes, life throws an experience for you to learn the simplest of ideas – like a broken trash can. Being mindful feels like slowing down. Yet, is mindfulness truly slower? Or, our natural state. I like to think they are both the same thing.

Peace.

Navigating Your Dash: Finding Meaning in Every Moment

A friend recently told me that life is lived in ‘the Dash’ – or the line between your birth and death as written on one’s headstone. The Dash is the all-encompassing of living a life and not necessarily a life “well-lived”. What we do in “the Dash” really is all there is. The Dash is the realm of all possibilities, big and small. When we see life from the top down, like we are managing ‘the Dash’, the possibilities feel endless. However, when we look at life from within the Dash, do we really have the perspective we need? How much of “the Dash” is real and what is imagined by me as part of living my life?

I’ve been feeling of late that I need to get out of my own way as I navigate my Dash. After many years of working for someone else, my own creativity is now interrupting my ideas of what should be for me in retirement. What I didn’t truly understand is how my coping behaviors did not leave any mental space for any new ideas that might have helped shape a life. Many times, I see things that I’m hopeful for versus what truly is. Can a person have an imaginary Dash from reality? And, isn’t that also part of one’s Dash? Too many questions to answer – yet – I think I found my own personal answer. I love the idea of the possibility of a life that moves up and down around a centering thought of love and gratitude – and without judgment of self and others. This realization came from a recent experience and pointed to how I want to navigate my personal Dash.

Let me correct this: I don’t want to navigate my Dash. I want to LIVE my Dash. Feels different, doesn’t it? My first experience was amazing and I’m looking to bump along in my Dash from this vantage point. A vantage point that throws the idea of a random life out the window and where we institute a mindset that nothing is random and all is guided by our feelings and thoughts. Getting these (feelings and thoughts) correct is our Dash work. Here is an example:

I recently began working on jigsaw puzzles as part of my effort to be intentional with my time. Sitting with a puzzle piece, contemplating its placement on my landscape of colorful abstracts, slowed time down to a molasses-like pace. (Yeah, me!) This is key because, as a child, I struggled with sitting still and focusing on something like a puzzle. Or coloring book. The only way I would sit is if I was playing with my mother’s change because I was busy doing the addition and subtraction in my head. Until I began to play video games as an adult, I really couldn’t sit still as my brain always raced and propelled me to move. My job as an auditor was especially challenging and I became a master at distraction to hold my interest and focus. Many times, I would be found pacing or doing something totally inane to help me focus. My diagnosis last year of ADHD (Gray Ladies Unite) explained away many of the ‘crazies’ and I was finally capable of seeing my behavior as normal – for me – and be okay with the restlessness. This mental approval of myself had been what I was missing for my entire adult life; I’m not complaining for this way of self-berating behavior gave me this life I am now enjoying. I just now need to repair the toll of decades of self-judgment that was unchecked because this judgment made me successful. Part of that repair was embarking a self-discovery journey, including therapy.

As part of my retirement, I began a weekly ‘walking’ exercise in my town. Outside of our meeting area was a bookshelf containing books and puzzles for a causal exchange. I took my first puzzle earlier this year to try out my ability to focus and concentrate. The first few times were tough as I kept getting up to do something else – usually something needed cleaning. I became increasing frustrated and began to recognize that my need to get up and move was how I learned to cope with the restlessness.

Over a few months, I did quite a few puzzles, from nature scenes to country life. The ability to sit and understand the compulsion to always ‘get up’ and ‘do’ allowed me to now manage my mindset. What a shift! I began to seek out a new puzzle each week to practice sitting still and focusing. A few months ago, I was looking for a puzzle and just couldn’t decide. I turned my attention away from the shelf when a puzzle landed on my foot, opening up, and the contents (thankfully already placed in a slider storage bag) spilled out. This was near impossible because the puzzle almost had to be pushed to land in such a manner. The box is two inches thick and sturdy. To fall on my foot from three feet away, open up, and spill it contents was not normal. OK, Universe, color me intrigued. I was stunned to quiet which does take effort!

I picked up the puzzle and took it home with me like a secret treasure, a knowing. (No, it was a painting of a lighthouse on a cliff.) After completing the puzzle, I sat back and waited for lightening to strike, so sure that the epiphany would be immense. After all, the puzzle flew at me! (By the end of the story, this puzzle will have taken flight and baked cookies, too!) Of course, nothing happened. No magic realization, no immediate insight into the meaning of life. I really didn’t know what to think other than there was something to this puzzle. The next week, I found myself at the shelf where the puzzle was from last week trying to figure out what happened. In its place? A well-worn book called Awareness: Conversations with the Masters. Intrigued, I picked up the book and found it was written based on a retreat conducted by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. I set it back on the shelf thinking that I have read a lot of these types of books when it fell off the shelf and landed on my foot. “Just what is wrong with the shelf?” I wondered when I realized that this book was MY sign!! I snatched that book up and tucked it away into my things, now a precious gift.

I began reading the book that evening and enjoyed it so much that I purchased the audio to listen in the car. My place in the book I’m reading with my eyes is different than the audio book. I wondered when the two might align and if that would be an interesting point. And, yes, it was – and that is where I will leave this. This book just recognized how much of our life we create in our head versus what is truly real. De Mello believes that we just need to become “awake” or aware of what is real versus what is not real. (Believe me when we have a whole lotta junk that is not real. Just sayin’.)

The morale of my story is this: Let life unfold FOR you. The hard bits are also FOR you – to learn. The emotions are not easy but they tell a tale of how you see the world. The emotions point to something in YOU or how you are seeing or being in a situation. We cannot be made to feel an emotion by someone else. As a child, I did not understand that feelings are okay. It is a signpost of how you truly feel – like a gut reaction. If the feeling isn’t what you like or expect, examine it for what is there and place your own judgment aside. Open your mind and ask the harder question of yourself, without accusation. Take time to slow down and really be intentional. These feelings are guidance and can be changed. Think of it this way: When you love someone, you want to help them. Love your fellow human. Help them when you can. Love yourself too.

Peace.

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 3: Depression/Anxiety Lane

As I write this blog post, I am enjoying some vacation time. My journey is continuing and I’m making real progress, both mentally and physically. My emotions are less varied and my tolerance and patience for myself – and others – is growing. I can feel my mind just becoming clearer and clearer with each day. How wonderful my journey has been thus far and I can see myself moving from Depression/Anxiety Lane to a new home on Beautiful Life Way. This will be a shorter post because this subject is really critical for people and I in no way wish to minimalize or trigger any feelings. If you suffer from these conditions, please seek help. Be your own counsel, and use common sense. My journey is my own and I’m sharing this to help others seek their own help.

I learned that I felt better when I ate sugar. Candy gave me a lot of energy; the crash was bearable because I could always eat more candy if I felt poorly. Candy led to cake and I used to joke that I could be happy eating cake for dinner. (Thinking about this now gives me a queasy stomach.) My weight ballooned as I tried diet after diet, only to be pulled back into the sugar web of desires. Here is what my experiences in life have taught me:

Moderation/Restriction does not work for an addict.

If one is an alcoholic, do we just tell them to have one less drink a day? Or, if I’m a heroin addict, is the solution “just do a little in moderation” very beneficial? (NO!) Did you know that sugar has the same effect on the brain as heroin? So, the answer to reduce your cake portion seems absurd. This does not work. In a heroin addict’s situation, however, there is a methadone solution which I equate to use of artificial sweetners. In this, I have been able to sustain my focus by using Splenda in my coffee. That sweetness has become a bit much and I’m slowly reducing my use of that product, too.

Eating whole foods that do not convert to sugar is another key aspect of my journey. It is not just reducing sugar intake, it is also about reducing how my body treats the food I ingest. Or, if I eat sugar or if my food turns into sugar, I have the same reaction: Addiction. This addiction results physical and emotional responses that can include anxiety and depression. I realized that in my changing and emerging knowledge about myself and the possible correlations to my desires for sugar, I’m seeing through the veil of mental cloudiness so much clearer than ever before. I’ve replaced my dopamine source to one that is more sustainable: physical movement.

One thing I have learned is that our obstacles create opportunities for growth. Addiction, whatever it is, may help us to realize that there are larger problems at play which are expressing themselves through our choices (or addictions). The journey to wellness is not a paved road but one which contains pot holes, detours, missing bridges, and seems to go for miles. Just remember that every journey must begin somewhere. Just start and let the beginning continue to be your guide post.

Peace.

A New Day, An Old Me

Hello, and welcome back.

It has been quite some time since my last post in which I discussed my struggles with depression in the loss of my mother. This last year has been a real roller coaster of emotions where the unresolved is resolved, and where the broken is put back together again, many times held together with some duct tape.

Does the duct tape make me stronger? Or, are the cracks so deep that they are irreparable? I’m not sure and, like life, time will definitely tell. I like to think that the cracks, held together with the sticky duct tape, make me stronger for I know where my weaknesses are now, don’t I? Because of the crack, I’ve been able to define why the crack exists and how to repair the crack to create a new sense of stability.

I wondered if grief works this way, too, but in a much more subtle way or with invisible duct tape. Grief can create a mirror of our lives which then reflect the many facets of reflection. We may see areas in the reflection that may not be our proudest moments. We may see the opportunity in the mirror for a little growth, too. Through death, I’ve been able to reflect on what I want in life, and where those areas might be ‘shaded’. As we walk along a certain path, these events happen for us to pause, reflect, and make course corrections. If anything comes out of death, the event does breathe a different type of living into us, doesn’t it? Like a reminder of our own mortality. We can decide to grieve the rest of our days – and that is okay. Or, we can honor the person and create more lasting memories with other loved ones in celebration of this thing we call life. I’m for the latter.

In my career, I’ve been eligible for retirement for a few years now. (Frankly, the money wasn’t quite right.) My gut told me to stick it out and, thankfully, I did. Working through the Pandemic has really been a game changer for me in that I continued to have a sense of normalcy while the world seemed to fall apart around me. The death of my mother was really the final straw that broke the old me which didn’t really fit into my new reality. While the world seemed to be simultaneously shifting while standing still, I did the same. Or, I stopped fighting the flow of things. Stopped seeing the problems before they exist, thinking that by some miracle, I could prevent whatever it was I saw happening. I usually did prevent these events from occurring. Or, so I thought.

You see, I found things that might happen and set myself up for that eventuality. In doing this activity, I was never really present because I was always looking for the next ‘shoe to drop’. (This habit is so common, there is even a saying!) Recognizing that this mindset took me out of my present moment, I began a course of training to help me determine my well-being goals and the track by which I could achieve a new outlook. This began with my signing up for a single training that appealed to my more analytical side and helped me on this current path of self-care. My beginning was very minor and fit my needs at that time. As a result of this intensive work, I was able to shift my perspective and improve my overall mental well-being. Let me add that the healing has been profound and has resulted in improving me both mentally and physically.

In my darkest time, I decided two things: First, I prayed that my mom would communicate with me by showing me a penny at random times and odd places.

I really felt her (and still do) with me and showing me pennies grounds me in the present moment. I really felt her agreement and I do find pennies from time to time in the oddest of spots, usually when I’m enjoying life. These pennies are little hugs from my mom. With a quick motion and tear, I snatch up this treasure and put them into my pocket.

The second thing I decided was to retire at the next best window. Life is just too short to work until I drop dead. My mom enjoyed almost 30 years of retirement and, while I don’t think that is in my cards, I want to really give this retirement thing a good try. In my profession, our retirement dates printed on official documents so, selecting my proper year and birthday, I went to the next ‘best’ day. Turns out, this is also my mom’s 88th birthday. The number 88 is significant to me as it represents double infinity, both in life and love. That is about all the future planning I have in the moment, and that is OK.

And, in case you think life is random, let me give you this gem. This week, besides blogging, I’m working in my garden to weed and clean. My prized possession in my garden is a peony that my mother and sister gifted me for my college graduation. Each year, it produces the most beautiful and fragrant blooms and is a showstopper. I have found that gardening is really about tending in the moment for what is to come, or the ultimate ‘being present’. In writing this post and detailing my ‘penny’ experience, I cannot help to see the correlation between the words “penny” and “peony”, and how both are representing my mom. These types of realizations – and viewing this as a deliberate message and not a coincidence – creates the drive in me to continue on my charted course or path. And, THAT, my gentle friend, is the purpose of correlating factors or, for the uninspired, coincidences. Both explanations are correct. However, which viewpoint you choose creates a passion in YOU. Seeing and feeling the passion IS living.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – December or Changing My View of Failure

As many of you know, I manage two different blogs: OwnYourWobble and Mentagility. Both of these blogs deal with aspects of critical thinking and I’m finding that the subject matter is beginning to overlap. Initially, Mentagility – my first blog – was designed to be more business-minded, focusing on productivity and leadership. However, I found the need for creative expression in a more personal way and began OwnYourWobble to share more personal struggles with others who find themselves in the same predicament.

My post on Mentagility this month really resonated to an OwnYourWobble situation so I’m sharing this here as I think this applies to both aspects.

I hope you enjoy, and wishing you all a very Happy New Year! The original post link is here: https://www.mentagility.com/failure-a-changed-mindset/

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In writing my post for this month, I like to begin in the prior month and ‘channel’ a few residual thoughts from my just completed post. I note areas that I didn’t include but are of interest to me at that time and this gives me a little creative loop.

(Note on the image for this post: When I was selecting my featured image for this post, I searched for a picture to denote “failure.” I thought that the “shame” image was very telling on how our society perceives failure as, perhaps, something to be ashamed of? Isn’t that interesting? It is my goal with this post to change our view of failure into something more positive. I hope you continue reading.)

The following were my hastily typed notes from last month and in reviewing these notes I found them to resonate for me in December. Here they are:

Changed my mind about a few things…this came to me by inspired thinking

1.) We must break before we can build

2.) Trusting our own personal timing and ‘flow’

3.) Make decisions from an ‘abundance’ mindset

4.) The importance of sincerely seeing the beauty in ourselves first

This month, I did follow this guidance in my personal life and struggles to improve my feeling of health. In my weight loss journey, I began to feel very restricted which began as a physical sensation and evolved into a mental frame of thinking. With the surge of COVID-19 in the Northeast, we began to once again be isolating into a quarantine. This external driver created another internal loop of my normal behavior to ‘cope’. Instead of using this coping mechanism, however, I elected to choose a different path: Self-love. I listened to myself, considered my known situation, and gave in to the removal of perceived restrictive behavior. Because I gave myself the Grace to be in the moment, I turned a corner in how I viewed my personal journey. This decision reflected #4. I saw myself as a person, not as a thing to be belittled. I spoke to myself as I would a friend, not an enemy. This is how I gave myself ‘Grace’ or a higher feeling of love than I had ever known before. My decision considered #3, my abundance mindset, because I saw the entire journey to health as a journey, not a destination. I considered everything that I have in life and was so grateful to actually have this struggle because there are so many struggles that could be considered worse.

I began to see the significance of the timing of my struggle which ticked my #2 idea. The timing of the holiday season could not be denied and was key to my understanding of how I wish to achieve my health goals. Everything in our lives is timing; I am beginning to see timing as my Divine guidance and have begun to be more of an observer of life and letting things ‘flow’ from me and not necessarily ‘to’ me. I’d like to live life more like thinking that “the ‘to'” is taken care of already by what I put out to the world. I finally realized that I can only control my behaviors in the moment which stem from my beliefs. Our beliefs are extremely important to mentagility so I’m very cognizant of how they originate … and my interpretation of them.

This leads me to #1: We must break before we can build. When I discuss ‘break’ in this sense, it is not a literally breaking of things or of self. It is more of a breaking of beliefs that no longer serve me. It is my judgement to what serves me which is why it is important that our judgment be free of bias or the “trappings of life”. When I have a belief that does not feel good, I really began to examine the belief from a few different perspectives – mainly, internal and external. What internal measures am I consciously or unconsciously using? What are the external factors? I review these areas without emotion so that I can more scientifically assess them.

If I have an emotion within the belief as I did in my recent struggle, that emotion is to be addressed first so that I can better understand the cue that life has given me. Emotions are neither good nor bad; they are cues to my personal beliefs about a given situation, both known and unknown. This unraveling of your emotions takes time which we may believe we don’t have. (That is also a belief that is based on your behavior, isn’t it?) We actually do have time because, Dear Reader, this is the reason we are living. It is not doing a job and earning a good salary. Nor, is our purpose to necessarily being a good parent. Those roles and purposes are trappings of our lives and where or how we grew up. We are all in our personal situations as a type of classroom where we can learn. Classrooms take all shapes and sizes, interactions and events. I believe that as long as we realize that there is a benefit in all things, we can actually begin to see the positive which helps to give a certain belief and begins the rebuilding process.

Here’s the thing. I’ve tried this journey before and have failed at one point or another. Rather than learn from ‘the’ past failures before, I berated myself for them and, thus, doomed myself to repeat them in one form or another. By accepting failure as an example of what isn’t working – and de-personalizing the failure – I’m creating a healthier ‘me’ in the long run because I no longer focus on what happened but on the lessons I learned as a result. It is our belief or perspective that helps us see past the emotions and understand and accept these failures so we can continue to learn. And, in that, a failure isn’t anything other than a missed cue or a needed change in one’s perspective. Peace, and may you, too, fail in your goals so that you can learn more about yourself in the journey.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

Lessons from 2021 – November or Waiting for Inspiration Gets One Everywhere

As you read my lessons from November, it is just gone December 4th. My lesson is really short: Be Inspired. I have found that I feel better and have better results when my actions are taken after inspiration. Many times, inspiration can even result from my inaction which, in itself, is actually an action. It is how we define inspiration that separates us. Inspiration is that niggle of an idea or a phrase that we just overlook because we are too busy to listen and pay attention.

The idea came to me in a recent dream experience that I’d like to share. In this dream, I realized that my own personal inspiration comes to me in a whisper of an idea, a dream, or an inclination to do or be something…different. Fear keeps me small and is a damn waste of energy. My inspiration is the kindness of a stranger, or the beauty of nature around me, or the laugh of my partner over something really trivial. It used to be that nasty voice telling me I wasn’t ‘enough.’ Now, the voice is much more relaxed due to my acceptance of who I am and what I’m about. I’ve come to realize that the voice is always there and is what one may call my own personal intuition. It reflects my own opinions and that nastiness was my own extreme self-judgment which kept me moving forward, on a path. As I said above, the idea came to me in a dream that was so profound and occurred the night that I asked my own self to help me see what my reason for being is. I’ve been studying brain science and the subconscious: the roles it plays in our lives. One of the exercises is to ask for a dream to help one navigate to their true purpose, which is exactly what I did this evening. I asked: Am I just to be a wife, sister, and daughter in this life? I would like to help others find this sense of peace that I’ve chased through my decades of breathing to find – and recently realized that it was always within myself. I used to look externally for what I already had and that had been buried so deep that I lost my own sense of self through always trying to fit in. Big, big, mental movement forward. ❤

My dream was very profound and occurred the night that I requested the dream. I was traveling with a large suitcase, computer bag, and purse – my normal M.O. It was a busy airport and felt like what I imagine Tokyo to feel like. Busy, with people of all kinds going every direction. (I originally noted that it was Newark Airport but the airport was new, shiny, really clean…or not Newark. Sorry, Newark, this airport was so modern and clean, the floors were all shiny white tiles. Newark reminds me of a 70s den with wood paneling.)

I was struggling with my luggage, alternating how to carry it all for the wheels took up too much space; I struggled in walking through the airport from gate to gate. I was traveling with three people, one of which was my sister. (Odd.) We were being picked up by my colleague’s father who looked like a man I used to work for when I was 18. He was joined by another man who I worked for at the same place. (These two ran a company that sold electronic parts off the boat through a catalog service. I handled the order desk and was always told that any delays were stuck on a boat through customs.) Anyway, in my struggling with my luggage, I lost track of the bosses’ direction and we got separated from them…and ended up stopping for lunch. Everything was tile floors, bright black and white lighting, and a lot of neon for an airport. While we stopped to rest, I received an email from the boss asking where we were. (Why didn’t he call me, I don’t know.) We got moving again as I struggled to read and respond to his email asking where we were in the airport, along with always dropping or losing my luggage and stopping while people got mad at me, running around me as I was slowing the pace of the entire airport. This was a particular memory as I struggled with the communication form as we can sometimes do when our devices don’t cooperate. Finally, after a significant struggle, I was able to read the email – the time that went by seemed like hours. I was told that they were at gate 920 or 902…the 20 and 02 in those numbers flipped flopped like an old burned out neon sign. I noted that we were at gate 11 in the airport. I was told to find “Akira” and that they would be meeting me there. As I struggled with understanding how I would get to gate 920, I woke up.

When I ask for a dream from my subconscious to help me navigate, I will go to bed with a journal so that I can review and record the dream for later interpretation. The areas that stand out are giving a highlight and I do some internet research in the area just to figure out what it all means.

What stood out to me were three things, listed in an order of priority based on my immediate feelings upon waking up:

1.) The gate numbers: 11 and 920. I was aghast at how far they’d come and how little traveling I had done in the same time. The number 11 is always a sign to me that I’m supported by the Universe. What does 920 mean?

2.) What the heck is Akira? Is this a restaurant? It was repeated to me and I figured I’d seen this in an airport at some point. (Literal me.)

3.) Why couldn’t I just roll my luggage? Why was the use of email also a struggle? What was the reason for all of the struggling when I had the means to NOT struggle?

Here are the answers that I found and believe to be helpful for me.

1.) The meaning of the number 920. Thank you to angelnumber.org for their work in this area. From this site, I was able to ascertain the following:

As an ‘angel number’, “…[t]he number 920 combines the energy and attributes of the numbers 9, 2, and 0. The number 0 intensifies the energy of other numbers, in this case, the numbers 9 and 2. The number 9 symbolizes spirituality and spiritual evolvement, as well as the path towards spiritual awakening and enlightenment. This number also symbolizes humanitarianism, service to the humankind, philanthropy, altruism, peace, faith, karma, the Universal Spiritual Laws, lightworking and lightworkers. It also symbolizes endings and closures, as well as serving as an example to others. The number 2 signifies balance, duality, harmony, mediation, diplomacy, teamwork, compassion, compromise, cooperation, selflessness, peace, encouragement, trust, faith, stability, service to others, responsibilities, empathy, relationships, partnerships, love, and kindness. This number also symbolizes following your soul’s purpose and mission in this life. The number 0 is a symbol of infinity and eternity, wholeness and oneness, cycles, phases, flow, closures and new beginnings, potential, new opportunities, chances, God and the energy of the Universe, spirituality, and spiritual development.

The number 920 in general signifies major closures and endings, as well as new beginnings in your life. It also symbolizes the change of cycles and phases in one’s life.

It symbolizes relationships, selflessness, balance, stability, faith, trust, spirituality, spiritual evolving, humanitarianism, serving humanity, altruism, and philanthropy.

This number also symbolizes teamwork, partnerships, compromise, lightworking, cooperation, duality, diplomacy, mediation, service to others, infinity, wholeness, oneness, phases and cycles, potential, and new opportunities.

The Secret Meaning and Symbolism

The angel number 920 is a message from the Universe, which confirms that you are on the right path to fulfill your Divine soul’s purpose and mission in this life.”

WOW! I was reading this at 5:30AM and was just gobsmacked that I had actually dreamed this information! I took a sip of the coffee and continued with my research.

2.) What is Akhira? When I ‘Googled’ the term, it was spelled this way but I pronounced it with more of an ‘a’ sound that that with the ‘i’ in the back of the word. The first term was this:

“Akhirah is the term used in Islam to describe the belief in everlasting life after death. Muslims regard life on Earth as a test from Allah, to prepare them for eternal life. … Muslims believe they can enter Paradise by living according to the teachings of the Qur’an.”

Now, I’m not of the Islamic faith so this was totally out of left field for me. However, given what I had learned on the number of 920, I accepted that my dream referenced this in its meanings. My final destination. What a beautiful reference, too, to a faith that is not my own. This also spoke to me that all faith is good. Having faith is a beautiful thing that we humans enjoy.

3.) This meaning to me was obvious. The luggage I was struggling with was my own personal baggage that was weighing me down. My struggle with handling everything became the entire focus of my journey and got me a bit lost. To answer being lost, I stopped and had lunch. See this site for a full explanation. I have had the dream of struggling with luggage before, and being left behind. This seemed to be a running theme in my dreams for the past few years. What I had not had was the clarity of purpose, or the other notes which is why this item is third.

Now, you may wonder how inspiration figures here. Well, I learned of the idea of the subconscious mind in reading I’m doing. This book is fascinating and a recommendation from Jim Fortin. (Listen, folks, if you are struggling with changes in your life, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JIM FORTIN’S WORK AND PODCAST. It has changed my life.) I came upon Jim’s work after listening to a totally unrelated comic discuss the profound impact it made for her while relaxing at home one evening. Her discussion was so much how I was currently thinking that the message could have been FOR me. I felt inspired to find out more. In researching Jim’s work, he discusses brain science, shamanism, and all things transpersonal psychology. He recommended two books to read, one of which was The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy. A dated but fascinating discussion of the formation of the brain and impact on humans. It is sitting at my bed table for night time studying.

It occurred to me in the writing of this post that, by just following my own inspiration, I have made such a profound ‘leap’ in my own development through listening and acting on my own internal voice. I stopped arguing with myself and am now a creature of inspired action. This has resulted in a decrease of anxiety and a level of self- acceptance I never thought possible. A work in progress, sure, with all of the ebbs and flows that life provides in our grand journeys. As I was saying just yesterday, when life begins its ebbs, we need to flow to meet the ebb…or not. We can wait for the flow to return which is part of the larger Universal design, right? I’ve accepted that I’m different and that is by design. I’m okay with being unique and not conforming to expectations – even my own. Not more, just different.

Here’s hoping that as we hunker down into winter up here in the cold northern hemisphere, you find your inspiration in the solitude of the evening or the smile of your dog. (Yes, they smile!) A suggestion: Listen to your intuition and let the inspiration find you when the time is right for both of you! The work we have to do is to clear up our mental clutter to be able to hear. Peace and love for the end of 2021.

Lessons from 2021 – October or Adventures in Discipline

From the title of this post, I bet you were wondering just what I was up to in the discussion of “discipline.” Discipline in this context is more to “…the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” I emphasize the latter part of this definition because one may think that discipline and punishment are part of the same thought. (Not necessarily.)

Merriam Webster – those intrepid dictionary folks – define discipline as “…a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity…” among other definitions. However, the idea of punishment is part of the definition as a verb (i.e., disciplining a child). To exercise discipline, however, is a type of self-control. Curiously, the definition of self-control is “…restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires.” So, can a person punish themselves as part of their own self-control efforts because that is their pattern of adapting or coping? (Yes, I think so.)

I’ve been doing a lot of self-study following the work of Jim Fortin. Fortin is, among other things, a transformational psychologist. In our world today, the terms are synonymous with being a “transpersonal” psychologist. Transpersonal psychology focuses on incorporating all elements of the human experience, including one’s spirituality. Many religions have hijacked this term for their teachings, too. Transpersonal psychologists can even adopt a religious or mainstream religious theme in its teaching which, in my opinion, short changes the idea of transformation. Like, if you don’t believe my religion, you are unable to utilize the ideas of a transpersonal psychology. What a load of bullshit.

In a Googling of the term, however, the following was also offered: “Transformation, used in psychology (and New Age thought), refers to a major change or shift in an individual’s thought and/or behavior patterns. This type of change normally requires a major change in thought patterns and values.” If you’ve been paying attention, you will find the religions tend to change meanings to fit with their values and we just all go along with the change or shift. This is not happening with me because the subject is just way too complex to box into religious dogma. We are discussing actual brain science which Fortin highlights in his podcasts and training. If you are looking to change some habits or transform an area of your life, do yourself a favor and listen to Fortin.

A better definition for transformational or transpersonal psychology is found here. This site defined transpersonal psychology this way: “Transpersonal psychology is a field or school of thought in psychology centered on the spiritual aspects of human life. The term transpersonal psychology was first introduced in the 1960s by psychologists such as Abraham Maslow and Victor Frankl. This field utilizes psychological methods and theories to examine the spiritual subject matter…Transpersonal psychology is a label for a type of psychological theory that embraces a wide variety of ideas that have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the mind and behavior. Transpersonal psychology looks at the whole human experience.”

There are so many meaning to words, aren’t there? One needs to understand the context in the use of the word to truly understand its meaning. Just in the above discussion about discipline and transformation psychology, I might have just blown your mind. That is what happened with me and the idea of discipline. I’m trying to change long-standing maladaptive coping habits that I didn’t even recognize I had created as a young person. I began to understanding that my view of discipline as both restriction and punishment which caused me to run the other way from it. However, if you think of discipline as a measure of self-control, the idea of discipline without punishment is very freeing. My entire life, I have hated the idea of discipline because I had unknowingly used this idea as an opportunity to create a very negative mental feedback loop – or my own self-punishment. (Why be disciplined only to beat myself up? I’d rather just keep on keeping on.) I finally realized what was happening and, after recognizing this “go to” as something I wished to change in myself, I began to pay attention to words and situations that cause me anxiety or mental stress.

It is the “how do I fix this?” that got me on the road to understanding that we all have coping strategies, and some are just more effective than others. In any situation where change is the goal, one doesn’t need to understand the why unless the behavior is so ingrained that the brain takes over without a secondary thought or action. It has been a slow going process which in hindsight is probably for the best. Change over time tends to stick more with me than the instant flip of a switch. How do I know that this is working for me? Again, time is the teller of tales. This week was particularly stressful and scary for me having to take care of my spouse while he was laid low. In putting myself second, I made a conscious decision and there were times where my current health goals took a back seat. However, instead of using this situation as another opportunity to create a new negative loop, I became really tolerant of myself and, well, I cut myself some slack. And, I really felt that slack loosening some of my old maladaptive coping habits that have done very little for me. I created a more healthy strategy and it helped me to deal with the week. Instead of seeing the “big picture” of possibilities, I dealt with the facts of the matter and cut the problem into bite size pieces. I dealt in the now and did not assume anything so my expectations were reduced to nothing. This lack of mental expectation really allowed me to take care of business without worrying for the future…for now. I have recognized that I worry a lot about the future without realizing that I’m creating my future right now through my view in this minute. And, the next minute. Good habits become good over time and repetition. Yes, it is the old saying of wash, rinse, and repeat. Just make sure you have some good “shampoo” that feeds your head in a positive way.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – September or Three New Daily Habits

It is August 29, 2021, and I’ve just completed my post for the month of August. In this, I examined my original draft written about three weeks ago and compared this to my feelings today which were completely different and I wanted to understand why that happened. I found that I slacked off on my planning and let my incoming emails dictate the day and I’m feeling the mental stress of my lack of planning.

For September, I am committing to making a structure of three different areas with the following goals:

Personal – I will do one “chore” each day towards the overall maintenance of my home. Each chore will be no more than a collective 20 minutes; any longer chores will be split up over a few days.
Self-Care – I will do at least one positive thing towards my health goals of wellness. This may include: eating breakfast, choosing fruit and more natural sweets, drink water, exercise, meditate, wash/moisturize my skin, wear matching clothing, etc.
Work – Select my “one thing” and complete it to the best of my ability. Time block mornings for execution, afternoons for communication. If it takes multiple days, take the time and block it off.

Now that I’ve written my intentions here, I shall copy this into my journal (Hey, Self-Care!!) so that I can keep it in my intentional focus. I will report back at the end of September with my thoughts.

WEEK ONE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 3, 2021

I decided to add to my original plan a weekly review which includes a check in with myself for a month seems too long and doesn’t allow me to have my own personal “immediate” feedback. This week was hectic – two days I worked straight through without a lunch break or any pauses. I recognized that a lot of my normal self care and personal chores existed in my AM and PM routines so I acknowledged those in my planner. Both of these routines have been ongoing for a while now but without a daily intention or acknowledgement. Checking them off each day gave me a feeling of satisfaction, the formality of setting this in my calendar extremely helpful. Interesting, right? I also added a work task to each day that was not my “One Thing” but was for the purpose of that day and what was best for my organization. This, in turn, helped me so this type of thinking became my “one thing”…for now. I realize that there is no personal element considered in this type of thinking and that will need to shift if I’m to enjoy what I do for a living.

Since working from home during COVID, the morning routine I’ve found that works best for me was based on my assessment using Atomic Habits of my daily patterns and each task is designed to initiate the next task. (Now, I’m on autopilot.) My AM routine consists of – and not in any specific order:

wake
start coffee (push button)
take AM pill (on empty stomach)
morning ablutions (or shower depending on the day)
make my AM bulletproof coffee
read the news (only while “going” which is about what the news is worth to me these days)
meditate (I’m listening to a great audio book as a meditation strategy)
dress
make breakfast for the dog and I
take AM vitamins & other medicines with food
journal
start work

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week One

Now, many of you may say, “Why doesn’t she make her bed?” which seems to be the cornerstone of everyone’s morning routine. Well, I have a partner that does not get up at the same time as I do. I mention this because there is a lot of information about morning routines in the Inter-World — and there is no one right way. That is why Atomic Habits was so helpful. (You’re welcome.) Having my goals in my journal where I viewed them every day was also really helpful. One cannot achieve something if your focus is elsewhere. I also used my planner and checked off all of my achievements. I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. On to Week #2!

WEEK TWO CHECK IN – Week Ending September 10, 2021

Last week was a bit more chaotic than the first week. I began my week with a good plan of daily assessments along with my “AM” and “PM” routines noted in my calendar. The structure helped me to see that I lacked a bit of discipline in my planning.

My “One Thing” for the job, however, wasn’t as clear to me each day. (Considering my job takes up more than a third of each day, not setting my “One Thing” each day was detrimental to my overall productivity. (Note: I only realized this after the fact.) If left unchecked, my days can be filled with “shallow work” or, as Professor Cal Newport says in his book, Deep Work:

“Shallow Work: Noncognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.” (Page 6)

By the end of the week, I felt this lack of stability very clearly in my choice of tasks that may not have been the best use of my time. In the middle of the week, I took a day off just because. While this wasn’t on my schedule per say, I felt the need to walk away from my work for a bit of a break and practiced being retired. person-768787__340 I feel like I have one foot in both worlds: working and retired. I’m making the mental transition, too, and have a bit of myself scattered all over the place. This “scattering” may be why I’m not mentally engaged in either place. Focus, like willpower, I’m learning, is limited and each area of focus takes a bit more energy so that I’m not really able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m working out a “time blocking” scenario for working that includes my routines. For those of you interested, here is my PM routine:

Decide to go to bed (I don’t have a set time, usually signaled by my couch dozing)
Clean kitchen, reset dishwasher, wipe counters and spills, clean sink which usually takes me about 15 minutes. It is a good break from the television, too.
Set up coffee so that I can hit a button.
Brush teeth
Wash and moisturize face
Prep CPAP machine (Yay! Thanks, menopause and being overweight)
Treat psoriasis with whatever cream a doctor gave me that is purported to work
Read a few pages until dozing

That is about it for my PM routine. It doesn’t take me long and I like the bit of a break between watching television and actually sleeping.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Two

I’m a bit tired at the end of this week, more mentally than physically. I’m not sure why other than my attention is a bit scattered, like I have a lot on my plate but am unaware of everything. And, I’m not even sure that this is the reason for the unease. I do think that focusing on too much at once is unhealthy for me and I don’t feel like I’m really involved due to the lack of focus. I think I will make more of an effort to be in the moment and focus on what is in front of me – whether I placed it there or life has given me a new opportunity for growth. I also think that I lacked meal structure and have taken a few options in my shopping to help me stay nourished in a more structured kind of way. Last week, we had some work done on our house which changed my normal. I did not prepare and could not go grocery shopping because the trucks blocked the garage. The work is marvelous and one of the three projects I must do before I can officially retire. This may be why I feel like I’m in two places at once. Interesting thought that my external goals for my house are impacting to such a degree my retirement feelings and my plan.

This week, I plan to time block my mornings and select my most important task to complete each day. I will continue with my AM and PM routines as they are. I also need to add one household chore to each day, which I will do….AND STICK WITH IT.

WEEK THREE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 17, 2021

Last week was a pretty productive week if you look at my calendar. I don’t really “feel” that my week was productive, however. I’m not sure why that is and am considering that productivity is more of a state of mind than an actual “thing.” Like, I need to “feel” productive in order to be productive? (Editing Note: In week one, above, I made the following statement: I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. BAM! I actually caught myself before sliding down my normal hole of despair and self-focused negativity.) So, taking my sage wisdom from about two weeks ago, let me re-frame my week a bit.

What I did do was work to shift on the small things and began compounding them each day for a successful outcome. I began to block my time on Wednesday and found that I got work done without a lot of interruption. (Cool!) The structure – interestingly enough – also helped me to schedule in some exercise which I added on Friday and Saturday. (OMG!) I wrote into my planner “AM Routine” and “PM Routine” before the week began, and checked them off each day in my planner. That simple writing it down, stopping each day to check, thinking about my routine, and the physical act of “checking a box” really helped me to mentally “block” the time for myself. I also journaled a few days as well.

While I always mentally blocked time in my mind, my reality never really formally adapted to this construct which created a sense of incompleteness in my day. By externally writing things more formally in my planner, this action mentally closed a completion loop for me. (Interesting.) I also began to write my One Thing for work and for my household, the latter of which did not get done during the week. Frankly, I could care less today. (Again, interesting.) I want the result (clean house) but the daily tasks were apparently too much for me. As I understand these concepts, I’m going to need to see this task (clean house) as a smaller set of more doable tasks. As I look back at my week just completed, I was so focused on what I didn’t do that this perspective created an overall negativity that is like a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day and altering your plans because there is a chance of rain. Seems I may have tapped into something “off” in how I think here which will give me something to consider for next week.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Three

I do better with a bit of formalized structure to my life; this is a benefit for me. This constant mental chatter of my own progress (and lack thereof) is challenged when I formalize the structure so my own mental “truth” can be faced with the facts, in my own handwriting, in my planner. In my review of this week, this profoundly impacted me. This realization is also key: my version of discipline must have a structure, be formal, and be accountable – and honestly accountable. No bad feelings over here, just realization and acceptance. For Week Four, I will strive to ensure that my structure is sound, relevant, and applicable. Where I feel the structure is lacking or not as successful, I will go smaller and into tinier pieces until I reach the right feeling (or frequency), and then compound them through my daily habits, being satisfied with what is “right now.” On to Week Four!

WEEK FOUR CHECK IN – Week Ending September 24, 2021

Dear Reader, if you are still with me this far, thank you!! This journey, the chronicling of my thinking over the past month in my blog, has been really inspiring. My lesson learned is that my “structure of disciplined ideas” – which is what I’m calling my routines – really helped me. Just yesterday, I had a medical appointment in the afternoon that took me out of my normal routines. No cooking, so we had some takeout for dinner so my dishes were minimal. I was also extremely tired – mentally exhausted – at another tough week. As I was preparing for bed – or “executing my PM routine” – skipping steps felt unnatural to me. I began to look at those few dishes in the sink and my clean dishwasher that needed emptying with a different mindset. My mindset was not of “Ugh!” but of “How long does this really take?” and “If I stop mentally arguing with myself, I’d be done with XX by now.” (Interesting.) My habit of doing the dishes at night ‘stuck’ and I did them quickly, routinely, and went to bed.

Now, I wondered how much of that was habit versus mind-over-matter, like did I just do this because I knew I was blogging on the subject? Was my physical and mental discomfort over the messy kitchen real or make believe? The very next day, I got my answer. On Saturday, September 25, 2021, or yesterday, I had the same situation. We had to take our Toby to the doctor at 2pm – smack dab in the middle of the afternoon which throws my routine right out. We then went grocery shopping, again, outside of the normal routine, ordered our favorite pizza – an eggplant Napolitano with balsamic glaze – from Mama Theresa’s in New Windsor, New York. We have not had this since before the Pandemic so this was such a treat that we ordered a whole pie – or eight slices. By the time we got home, the time was around 5 p.m. so dinner was leftovers as we got hungry. This resulted in my same situation – minimal dishes and a tired Susan. I, again, told my husband I was going straight to bed – and ended up doing the dishes AND watered my plants. Why? Because, my Dear Reader friends, I had built a habit of waking up to a clean and tidy kitchen. My habit was not necessary to do dishes but to wake up with a clean kitchen. Cool, right? Just that little change in my perspective helped me to create a solid and comfortable habit. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink … and now, I am that person.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Four

I finally understand how discipline can help me in my life in other areas, too. Restriction is not something I’m good with and need to remember that. However, discipline is very good for me if I get it out of my head and onto paper. As a person who is highly visual, this makes sense because the act of putting my thoughts to papers helps me see my progress – rather than relying on my faulty perception to feel my progress. Feeling my progress is also misleading because these feelings get clouded with, well, life. Good day? Feels great, making progress. Bad day? Sucks! No progress made. (See my correlation?)

This realization has been throughout the week in other areas, too, since I began to pay attention. I’m also a great believer in the synchronicities in life giving us direction…if we are paying attention. I began to realize that the structure I’ve created is not “restriction” as I had felt but of “discipline” which is a very different mindset. When going to bed, thinking of discipline and how positive an experience this had been for me, I pulled out my night table reading materials. I’m re-reading The One Thing to my support myself through this experience. Using my book mark I opened to the chapter I’d left off from the previous evening’s reading. This was Chapter 6: A Disciplined Life. Yes, Dear Reader, this happened, and I was paying enough attention to recognize this little “Atta Girl” from the universe. I also found a great summary of the book here for those of you intrigued.

MY FIVE LESSONS LEARNED FOR SEPTEMBER 2021:

Creating a structure for myself is a key area of my life that I need to consider in what I do and who I am. There is a discipline in this that makes me extremely comfortable and helps my negative self-talk become a small whisper instead of a constant yelling. Seeing this structure has helped me to create an exercise routine that I’m enjoying, an eating routine that keeps me nourished with good food choices, and a mentally supporting style of thinking that is really helping me feel better.
Having discipline within myself doesn’t mean I’m locked in to anything. It means that I have the freedom of choice – at all times. That is restriction.
And, speaking of restriction, I don’t do well with restriction – yet I tend to see the world in that way. My changing references in my mental body will be key so that, where I feel any restriction, I must review the situation for what it truly is. In my life, I cannot view any changes as “restriction” or these will become sour and cause me untold amount of mental anguish.
Having the discipline to create good structures for myself doesn’t mean I’m locked into just that; I can always add or take away what no longer works. Change doesn’t mean anything failed; change means only that circumstances – whatever they are – have shifted.
Don’t add a “value” label or a “belief” label to anything, anyone, or myself – the latter of which is my normal focus. Labels take judgment and perception that are most likely way wrong. Don’t judge others for the same; they are also on the journey.

CONCLUSION:

All in all, September was a helluva month. What a turning point. My acceptance of myself has lead me to very different realizations that I will begin to follow in other life areas. These realizations have also really helped me to overcome a few mental challenges in stepping up my game. Maybe some of the changes take, maybe some need smaller increments to help them stick. Whatever life throws at me, however, can be handled for I have the discipline and restriction to handle life – whether that means to step back and watch, or to jump right in and take a deep dive.

Peace, Dear Reader. Be well, and welcome fall.

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