Presence Over Perfection: Living in the Moment

“Life is the dancer and you are the dance.” Eckhart Tolle (2006)

I’ve long been fond of all types of music. As a young teen, I played an instrument in the band. Later, as a an aspiring adult, I found guitar solos and interesting drum cadences calling me to a new genre of music. Then, I began the jazz period, country period, metal, and back to plain “rock and roll”. Life is a patchwork of experience, from the dizzying beat of disco to the guitar licks of L.A. Guns which are still making great music. I grew up with this energy of being ‘with’ the band throughout all of these periods.

I began to want to capture my experiences on film or, rather, media card. Why? (Because the person next to me what also filming.) What level of distraction do I need to enjoy what is in front of me? (You ADHD folks know what I’m talking about here – the distraction for focusing.) What will I be doing with the video? Will I EVEN watch it again? (No answers both questions.) So why am I even trying to fuss with an electronic device, argue with people about being distracting, making my party angry because they cannot enjoy the show, and I take away NOTHING.

I then asked myself this question: What if I put my electronic device away (pocket, purse, lake – does not matter) and ENJOYED the show? Or, an even bigger question to answer: Why am I trying to capture the event on film instead of ‘feeling’ the event and experiencing this through my senses that are NOT tied to a mobile device? (Probably because I want to create a cherished memory of the event. Isn’t the memory better when experienced versus filming? A good point of debate for just what is cherished is to the individual, isn’t it.)

Bruno Mars has the right of it. This article discusses this from the artist’s point of view. There is disagreement here because some do need a physical memory of the event. To that argument, I respond that you will never capture the feelings you feel in the moment through the lens of your phone’s camera. I would argue that a physical representation of an ‘energetic’ event like a performance (concert, play, movie, etc.) is a poor substitute for the actually feeling the experience. Are we attending as a status update to our social media accounts or are you truly there to enjoy your evening? Perhaps its one’s motivation – or their why – that is at question here?

When we cease to truly feel our moments, we become more automatic and the feelings can be confusing and jumbled. These are habits – yes, habits – that can be compounded on over the years to create a monolith of meaning in their silence. I enjoy life so much more when my phone is not in my hand. I’m already naturally distracted by my ADHD. The phone offers additional distraction that is both comforting and very scary. Try leaving your phone in your bag or pocket and see what being in the moment feels like.

I almost forgot about the wonder of the world.

Peace.

Navigating Your Dash: Finding Meaning in Every Moment

A friend recently told me that life is lived in ‘the Dash’ – or the line between your birth and death as written on one’s headstone. The Dash is the all-encompassing of living a life and not necessarily a life “well-lived”. What we do in “the Dash” really is all there is. The Dash is the realm of all possibilities, big and small. When we see life from the top down, like we are managing ‘the Dash’, the possibilities feel endless. However, when we look at life from within the Dash, do we really have the perspective we need? How much of “the Dash” is real and what is imagined by me as part of living my life?

I’ve been feeling of late that I need to get out of my own way as I navigate my Dash. After many years of working for someone else, my own creativity is now interrupting my ideas of what should be for me in retirement. What I didn’t truly understand is how my coping behaviors did not leave any mental space for any new ideas that might have helped shape a life. Many times, I see things that I’m hopeful for versus what truly is. Can a person have an imaginary Dash from reality? And, isn’t that also part of one’s Dash? Too many questions to answer – yet – I think I found my own personal answer. I love the idea of the possibility of a life that moves up and down around a centering thought of love and gratitude – and without judgment of self and others. This realization came from a recent experience and pointed to how I want to navigate my personal Dash.

Let me correct this: I don’t want to navigate my Dash. I want to LIVE my Dash. Feels different, doesn’t it? My first experience was amazing and I’m looking to bump along in my Dash from this vantage point. A vantage point that throws the idea of a random life out the window and where we institute a mindset that nothing is random and all is guided by our feelings and thoughts. Getting these (feelings and thoughts) correct is our Dash work. Here is an example:

I recently began working on jigsaw puzzles as part of my effort to be intentional with my time. Sitting with a puzzle piece, contemplating its placement on my landscape of colorful abstracts, slowed time down to a molasses-like pace. (Yeah, me!) This is key because, as a child, I struggled with sitting still and focusing on something like a puzzle. Or coloring book. The only way I would sit is if I was playing with my mother’s change because I was busy doing the addition and subtraction in my head. Until I began to play video games as an adult, I really couldn’t sit still as my brain always raced and propelled me to move. My job as an auditor was especially challenging and I became a master at distraction to hold my interest and focus. Many times, I would be found pacing or doing something totally inane to help me focus. My diagnosis last year of ADHD (Gray Ladies Unite) explained away many of the ‘crazies’ and I was finally capable of seeing my behavior as normal – for me – and be okay with the restlessness. This mental approval of myself had been what I was missing for my entire adult life; I’m not complaining for this way of self-berating behavior gave me this life I am now enjoying. I just now need to repair the toll of decades of self-judgment that was unchecked because this judgment made me successful. Part of that repair was embarking a self-discovery journey, including therapy.

As part of my retirement, I began a weekly ‘walking’ exercise in my town. Outside of our meeting area was a bookshelf containing books and puzzles for a causal exchange. I took my first puzzle earlier this year to try out my ability to focus and concentrate. The first few times were tough as I kept getting up to do something else – usually something needed cleaning. I became increasing frustrated and began to recognize that my need to get up and move was how I learned to cope with the restlessness.

Over a few months, I did quite a few puzzles, from nature scenes to country life. The ability to sit and understand the compulsion to always ‘get up’ and ‘do’ allowed me to now manage my mindset. What a shift! I began to seek out a new puzzle each week to practice sitting still and focusing. A few months ago, I was looking for a puzzle and just couldn’t decide. I turned my attention away from the shelf when a puzzle landed on my foot, opening up, and the contents (thankfully already placed in a slider storage bag) spilled out. This was near impossible because the puzzle almost had to be pushed to land in such a manner. The box is two inches thick and sturdy. To fall on my foot from three feet away, open up, and spill it contents was not normal. OK, Universe, color me intrigued. I was stunned to quiet which does take effort!

I picked up the puzzle and took it home with me like a secret treasure, a knowing. (No, it was a painting of a lighthouse on a cliff.) After completing the puzzle, I sat back and waited for lightening to strike, so sure that the epiphany would be immense. After all, the puzzle flew at me! (By the end of the story, this puzzle will have taken flight and baked cookies, too!) Of course, nothing happened. No magic realization, no immediate insight into the meaning of life. I really didn’t know what to think other than there was something to this puzzle. The next week, I found myself at the shelf where the puzzle was from last week trying to figure out what happened. In its place? A well-worn book called Awareness: Conversations with the Masters. Intrigued, I picked up the book and found it was written based on a retreat conducted by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. I set it back on the shelf thinking that I have read a lot of these types of books when it fell off the shelf and landed on my foot. “Just what is wrong with the shelf?” I wondered when I realized that this book was MY sign!! I snatched that book up and tucked it away into my things, now a precious gift.

I began reading the book that evening and enjoyed it so much that I purchased the audio to listen in the car. My place in the book I’m reading with my eyes is different than the audio book. I wondered when the two might align and if that would be an interesting point. And, yes, it was – and that is where I will leave this. This book just recognized how much of our life we create in our head versus what is truly real. De Mello believes that we just need to become “awake” or aware of what is real versus what is not real. (Believe me when we have a whole lotta junk that is not real. Just sayin’.)

The morale of my story is this: Let life unfold FOR you. The hard bits are also FOR you – to learn. The emotions are not easy but they tell a tale of how you see the world. The emotions point to something in YOU or how you are seeing or being in a situation. We cannot be made to feel an emotion by someone else. As a child, I did not understand that feelings are okay. It is a signpost of how you truly feel – like a gut reaction. If the feeling isn’t what you like or expect, examine it for what is there and place your own judgment aside. Open your mind and ask the harder question of yourself, without accusation. Take time to slow down and really be intentional. These feelings are guidance and can be changed. Think of it this way: When you love someone, you want to help them. Love your fellow human. Help them when you can. Love yourself too.

Peace.

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Navigating ADHD and Depression: A Personal Journey

Good morning. It’s July 21, 2024, and just after 9AM in the morning. I’ve been up since 6AM, busily doing laundry, preparing meals for the day, reading, and meditating. Just a little bit of an “administrative” day: Grocery shopping, a baseball game, and spending some time in post-apocalyptic West Virginia in Fallout 76. It’s been almost six months since my last post and I thought to give a bit of an update on my ADHD journey.

My diagnosis was confirmed in February, with a little twist: Depression. ADHD has a few co-morbidity traits and one of these is depression. Many times, patients present with depression as I have in the past. What is important is that treatment include depression but also addresses the root cause – if one can be determined. Mismanaged ADHD can lead to depression. I’m being treated for depression yet the ADHD is still prevalent so I’ve begun working on managing my ADHD symptoms.

ADHD presents differently depending on your gender, age, and your particular symptoms. Not all ADHD is the same so one must really develop self-awareness. Some of the particular characteristics are here. My symptoms include: impulsivity, reliance on sugar for dopamine, time blindness, interrupting people, anxiety, over-sharing, people-pleasing, body-doubling, mirroring, and an overall restlessness that can equate to becoming bored. I have extreme hyper-focus yet must distract myself with physical tiredness to do tasks that I don’t want to do (e.g., write my school report, pay bills, etc.)

UPDATE: 9/27/24. Last month, I received my ADHD diagnosis and confirmation that my depression was a co-morbidity. Treat the co-morbidity without treating the source and I would be – once again – on the hamster wheel to diagnosis. Having this diagnosis – explaining that my personality ‘quirks’ are actually neurodivergence – is a bit startling. When a person believes themselves to be broken – for decades – and to find out that this “life” – or what I’ve made of my “life” – can be explained through physical differences between me and someone else is really, really disconcerting.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Stopping my attempts to conform is now my goal so I can really cease the mental “Leroy” in me. I’m also seeing these qualities in others and understanding our differences has helped me to accept them…and myself. My tolerance (read=acceptance) of myself and others has really improved. The journey and catalyst are all subjects for their own telling.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Peace.

Are You Lagging When You Should Be Leading?

What would you do or who would you be if you knew the end of your life? Or, in other words, if you were guaranteed a specific result based on your desired outcomes? There are some things in life where your behavior guarantees certain outcomes. Yet, why don’t we do these behaviors when we are able to in order to achieve said desired result? It is in the daily habits that we succeed yet we don’t have that final ‘done’ feeling at the end of the day. I just hate feeling like things are undone and wondered if this happens to you, too. What I learned about my own thinking helped me to see how my lack of understanding actually was contributing to my immediate dissatisfaction. My question to solve: How do I realize my big goals that will take time to achieve? (Consistency.) How do I establish consistency? (Cue sound of crickets.) I realized that I may have been looking at my big goals in the wrong way.

Let me explain.

In my thinking, there are two types of goal timelines: lag and lead. To me, “lag” means a goal that is realized in the future based on the culmination of the past. A “lead” to me means that the change right now will have an instant result. Or, your lead behaviors result in the achievement of your lag goals. Generally, these terms are usually defined in business situations where your lag goal (e.g., revenue goals, etc.) are realized over time through the performance of a ‘lead’ goal (e.g., increasing sales, etc.). FranklinCovey has brought this into the human performance discussion as follows – and pay particular attention to the idea of ‘measures’ versus ‘goals’ which is where my distinction is a bit different:

“While a lag measure tells you if you’ve achieved the goal, a lead measure tells you if you are likely to achieve the goal…No matter what you are trying to achieve, your success will be based on two kinds of measures: Lag and Lead…Lags are measures [emphasis added] you spend time losing sleep over. They are things like revenue, profit, quality, and customer satisfaction. They are called lags because by the time you see them, the performance that drove them has already passed. You can’t do anything to fix them; they are history.

Lead measures [emphasis added] track the critical activities that drive or lead to the lag measure. They predict the success of the lag measure and are influenced directly by the team. An example of a lag measure is weight loss. Which activities or lead measures will lead to weight loss? Diet and exercise! Proper diet and exercise predict the success of weight loss, and they are activities that we can directly influence. Simple enough, but be careful: even the smartest people fall into the trap of fixating on a lag measure that they can’t directly influence. This is because lags are easier to measure and they represent the result we ultimately want. Think of a lead measure as a lever that moves your Wildly Important Goal^®.”

I emphasized in the above quote that FC was discussing ‘measures’ as opposed to ‘goals’. These feel different to me so I thought to ask my old friend, Mr. Google, what he thought. According to this website of a company which helps online business improve their presence and profitability, the definition was more towards financial. However, this definition is a bit easier to understand in terms of a goal/achievement discussion/context:

Goal: desired end result
- Examples: number of leads per month, dollars in sales per month, number of job applicants per job post
Metric: measurement
- Examples: website visits, email subscribers, contact form inquiries

Using this conceptual framework, I interpreted my lag goal of weight loss would only be realized by lead activities or measures each day that, over time, will give me the lag result. (I believe weight loss – or loss of any kind – is a poor goal. I don’t want to lose something as a goal; I want to gain something and that, Gentle Reader, is my health and sense of self.) My first shift was in the energy and momentum of gaining something (versus losing something). However, I also found that I have been focusing on my lag goal expecting lead results. Or, I need to exercise greater patience and tolerance with myself each day to allow me the space to achieve over time, taking my lag goal a day at a time through lead activities. Instead of hanging my hat on the overall lag goal, I’m focusing on today which is all I’m guaranteed – and maybe not even the whole day! I’m trusting that I will have another opportunity to do more tomorrow. And, in that, I’ve realized that my lead activities must involve self-care to create an environment for me to be successful. I’ve begun mentally focusing on the ‘lead’ activity each day without a focus on the bigass “lag” goal because the long term focus is not helpful for me, today, and will be realized if I can be successful TODAY. Not Tuesday, but TODAY. (This is my journey and yours will be different. The idea of this is for you to create some space in your heart to not be so self-critical in failure.)

I realized that I’ve been measuring many of my habits with lag goal expectations when they need to be a finer level of goal. I began making this shift about a year ago with really small steps. Mine was routine manicures. This is a visual reminder of my lead habit realizing my long term lag goal for every time I look at my hands, I feel a sense of peace. It is a little habit I created – very simple – and extremely effective. This led me to a bigger goal: feeling better in my body as I age.

Feeling better in my body took on quite a few more specific goals: eating well, mental health, improving my patience and tolerance with myself, and the creation of a daily “anchoring” exercise habit. Before I could get to the daily exercise, I had to start really small. Right now, I am currently riding my stationary bike 3.5 miles a day in 15 minutes. This is up from my starting point of 10 minutes 1.5 miles. (Progression in my lead goals leads to progress in the lag goals.) I initially tried to begin by doing 10 minutes, no mileage restriction. Did that for a day and stopped. I felt really down on myself, going down a familiar path of negative self-talk and beratement. Rather than beat myself up, I looked at myself as a corporation and did a ‘lessons learned’ on my experience. (Unemotional!!!!) I asked myself what worked before? I answered with “Nothing, you idiot.” (The negativity was overwhelming!) I then spoke to myself as I would someone who was not me, or kinder. I asked myself what could I do that is a smaller step than actually getting on my bike? Or, where was my beginning baseline for I needed to establish a smaller habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease.

What could I do? I got dressed. That was it, folks. I got dressed. This was where I was for about two weeks as I contemplated the bike. I needed to feel the inspiration and the desire to expand. (This is KEY!) I sat in this place and just loved myself for getting dressed. One day, I thought, I can do the bike now. Because I had the getting dressed habit already nailed, I naturally returned to the bike. This created momentum and, each day, I get dressed and get on the bike.

How do I know I have momentum? Well, interestingly enough, I also did a ‘lessons learned’ on why I was successful, too. (Study your successes as they teach you just like failure is a teacher and not a final result.) I give myself one day of rest each week and I really find that the following day is extremely difficult for me to obtain the same performance as the day before my break. This shows me just how important momentum is in our habits. We must ride one wave onto the shore before finding our next wave to get us even further. Now, I expect to be a little sluggish after a day off and that is OK too.

Note this again: I actually did not begin on the bike for about two weeks until I felt the getting dressed in my bike shorts, tee shirt, and sneakers was a habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease. I’m repeating this because it is extremely important for you to begin where you are currently, and what you think you may add without too much drama. Stop thinking you should be further along because you are lying to yourself. You are where you should be because your habits created this place. It’s all OK. You are OK.

You know, we humans strive for comfort and it is through our lead daily activities that we reach our lag goals. Many times, our goals are opposite our desire for comfort so this change must be confronted in a kind and loving manner. Reaching your lag goals will create new opportunities for reflection and new travels. Be prepared for you will have a whole new world open up. For me, the exercise habit has become an ‘anchoring’ goal for my entire morning routine. This includes coffee, medicines, breakfast preparation, and my Morning Pages. (Morning Pages are an awesome way to get rid of your mental clutter – highly recommend some sort of journaling support for you as a lead supportive activity.)

Harvard Pilgrim Healthcare, a leading healthcare company, described the term “anchor habits” in this way which I found very true. (Here is a link to their article with good information.) “Anchor habits are small, core routines that are ingrained within us like getting up each day or, for some, exercising. Once you have an anchor habit, it’s also easier to continue adding to your routine and achieving more.” Creating an anchor habit takes time and is well-worth the journey. This journey helps you create a healthy sense of self-discipline which is one of the cornerstones of self-care. Love yourself enough to create the discipline you need to achieve your lag goals with daily lead activities.

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 1: Psoriasis Rd.

Hello, and Happy Spring!

This journey to healing is what I plan to begin posting in an effort to see if others have had a similar journey. I’ve constructed a few ‘pillars’ in my journey to improving my health that I will reference as decision points or “milemarkers” where I made a turn on Recovery Blvd – six to be exact: Psoriasis Road, Gut Service Road & the Gut Health Highway, Depression/Anxiety Lane, Thyroid Street, Joints Turnpike, Highway to Obesity, and Longevity Drive. (The actual healing journey that I am taking is separately documented using a daily journal and will be published at some point.)

Now, when you hear the term “psoriasis”, what comes to mind for you? Used to be that, for me, psoriasis is what people got in their hair. Dandruff. Purchase the appropriate hair shampoo and you are cured. When my psoriasis appeared as a little spot the size of an ingrown hair on my left leg, my inclination was to slap some cream on my really dry skin, quit whining, and move on with life. As you can see, the little red dot on my leg has turned into quite the situation.

My first ‘milemarker’ in my journey is healing my psoriasis. This process is the most confusing and is driving my trip to Longevity Drive. The realization that that this part of my journey is to be a major cornerstone for my own longevity and bright future rests well with me for it is my main obtacle to overcome. I’d like to also help others with similar situations with is why I’m taking my time to really sort this out. I have found that my focus needs to be on improving my health and not just ‘losing weight’. This is the first photo I took of my legs (red sock). I sent the photo to my mom to have her see what I kept referring to as my dry legs. This was after over 10 years of trying to get rid of the lesions. It is a very slow moving disease with me.

Yes, my psoriasis began – or so I thought – with the appearance of a small and barely noticeable lesion that would not heal. Determined I had skin cancer, I made the first of what would be rounds of dermatology appointments. However, later in my journey, I began to realize the my psoriasis was the result of something much more, and began much earlier than the presentation of a small dot on my leg. This journey was fraught with misinformation or just ill-informed medical professionals who are to geared to a drug prescription pad solution. Here are a few ‘shocks’ I discovered along the way which really shaped my treatment plan…or lack thereof.

Shock #1 – Medical Treatment of an Autoimmune Disorder. When my psoriasis lesion presented in 2003, I was told to just watch it. I’ve since come to realize that this advice was very bad. Because the lesion was too small to be treated and, with my history of cancer, no one would prescribe really strong drugs for such a small issue. (Good, because I didn’t want them anyway.) I also had a severe Vitamin D deficiency; where normal was 40, I had 10. This factor was overlooked by my dermatologist.

While the guidance of ‘do nothing’ was bad, this doctor could have prescribed strong drugs to kill my immue system when, in fact, my immune system was working as expected. My doctor just didn’t view psoriasis that way. I hope that the past 20 years have helped to educate him.

What I didn’t know is that I would hear this phrase for the next 20 years: Too small, not severe enough, etc. When did this little skin issue become “severe enough” to be treated? Surely, there was some cause, wasn’t there? More little spots began to appear looking like a little scrapes or knicks. Again, too small to be given oral medication (Again, Thank You!), and too much to be totally ignored. Yet, I did just that with one exception: I began to document my journey in pictures. This is the same leg, about a month later, right after a flare up. A few things to notice here. While the lesions look about the same, the redness surrounding them indicate a flaring of the wound. During a flare, everything becomes inflamed. Swollen legs and feet. My joints would ache. Towards the end of whatever would exacerbate the lesions, I would observe that the red areas now became part of the whole. Like the spread of ooze, my psoriasis crept into the healthy skin. This photo is at the end of a flare when my legs became normal again and I could see the psoriasis become larger as a result of the flare. Also, I noted the difference in leg size. This was when I realized that there may be a correlation of swelling to flare ups. My legs would swell for about two days and, then, become really thin. I could not correlate to any cause but knew there was something else, something more insidious that was part of my daily life.

I also noted that the lesions became larger within the inflammation itself. While swollen legs, feet and hands had afflicted me pretty much my entire life, I had always discounted this as just part of being me. Instead of deciding that I just skulk off into the corner, I began to become more proactive about whether or not everybody suffered as I did with swollen legs and feet. (I learned they didn’t.) Then, I began to question the treatment plan and considered this question: What if the treatment plan that has been proposed was inappropriate? (It was, for it did not search the cause but offered BandAid solutions.) During this time, I began to test certain things and looked for a dietary correlation. Changing my perspective a bit, I wondered if there was another ’cause’ for my brand of psoriasis and is there any role of bodily inflammation in a skin disorder? Inflammation is my name; disease is my game. More on that in another post. The journey was very long, windy, and extremely helpful…which lead me to shock #2.

Shock #2. Psoriasis has an internal causation. My own research showed me that psoriasis is not a skin disorder. While it presents on the skin, the ’cause’ is internal and psoriasis is labled as an ‘autoimmune’ disorder. And, do you think the medical doctor EVER told me this? No. I had to research this myself. Why would I not have been sent to an autoimmune specialist? Well, because psoriasis is labeled by the medical establishment as a skin condition because that is all people see.

We need to look past the presentation and, like obesity, challenge that these disorders are reflections of personal behavior because, frankly, they aren’t. That viewpoint, then, impacts one’s treatment options when your medical doctor believes that you are the cause of your own disease. Our medical establishment treats results because that is monetized and can be clearly justified. So, in a cut, we treat the result by using stitches and bandages. However, if the person endured their cut during an argument or violent fight, treating the injury does not solve the problem, does it? While this is an extreme example, it clearly highlights that disease may be a result of something else and not necessarily just my body going bad. Bodies don’t go bad, they are mistreated and have an unexpected result from the mistreatment.

Shock #3 – There is no treatment that will “fix” my psoriasis. Let’s fast forward now so that all of the boring past, trials and tribulations, can serve as my ‘road to recovery’. This is my psoriasis on June 19, 2021. I really believe the worsening of my symptoms was exacerbated by the Pandemic and being confined to the house. This, too, is the subject of a series of prior posts so I won’t go into this right here in any detail. Just know that I gained a siginficant amount of weight and leaned into anything and everything I ate from my childhood. This is also where I learned that I used food to soothe my anxiety and depression. The back of my leg is equally as inflamed with these sores. I’m showing only my left leg in comparison just to save and limit the yuckiness of my legs. My right leg is a bit better but shows the same progression. (The original lesion from 2003 was on my left leg so I call it ‘my older sores’.) Each spreading was denoted by small red spots or blotches that just became larger and larger. Today, this has spread to my elbows, hands, face, and nose. All of this spreading is after light treatment, oral therapies (yes, one doctor presribed one where I got extremely ill), topical therapies, and various different diet options. Nothing helped.

Shock #4 – The medical establishment does not provide prevention tips; they treat the disease. This may not always be the best course of action. This was not a new idea to me but I always just wondered more like a “What if” scenario. What if this skin disorder wasn’t caused by my body deciding it was breaking? Throughout my entire psoriasis experience, I would wonder about this and actually asked a few times about dietary correlations or other environmental causes. The answer of your body is just broken made more sense to my doctors when, in fact, I later discovered that my psoriasis IS the reflection of some underlying cause. This, I learned, by researching medical journals and SCIENCE. Yes, SCIENCE. Then, I took a step back and really looked at medical treatment and if I even received adequate treatment. Up until that point, the thought would just pass in and out, like a fleeting image. And, just recently, life gave me my answer.

This is one of those moments where you are just stunned into the truth of the matter. Sort of a ‘stunned to silence’ situation. I have a few of them in my life and this most recent experience was definitely one of them. It was this experience that solidified my hypothesis that is Shock #4. My GP/doctor is monitoring me for high blood pressure. In my most recent appointment in 2023, I was congratulated for losing 30 pounds. My weight, however, was incorrectly recorded for I had only lost 6 pounds. These 6 pounds, however, were and still are a monumental achievement for I lost them not through restriction but through conscious choice. Looking confused, my doctor read my recorded weight taken just 10 minutes prior – and I had to correct her because the last two numbers were transposed. A slight error? Well, in this same visit, I was asked if I wanted a dermatological referral – a full 20 years after my initial psoriasis diagnosis AND after I discussed in depth with this doctor during prior visits. Horrified and stunned, I just clammed up and that was that. This event was also when I realized that I needed to, once again, be my own counsel for the medical establishment was ill-equipped and unprepared to handle more complex situations of multiple symptoms that do not appear related. I needed a medical establishment that supported proactive healing and not always a pharmaceutical “solution”. And, after this recent visit, I don’t believe such exists…in this country anyway.

I began to consider my non-pharmaceutical options and once again began my research but with a new focus. You see, one of my GPs about 10 years ago muttered something about ‘vascular’ and told me to continue to see the dermatologist but we may want a vascular referral. (She has since left that practice.) I really had no idea what she meant. The only ‘vascular’ doctor I was aware of were surgeons and I certainly was not going to waste a surgeon’s time without a formal referral.

The idea, however, of an internal vascular cause for my psoriasis stayed with me. My research considered this and I began to search for a vascular possibility as the cause of my skin condition and I found a more formal term for my swelling: inflammation. By this point, I had noted and correlated the severe swelling in my legs and feet that I had always had to my psoriasis flares. In fact, I was so concerned that I was screened for psoriatic arthritis as a result of joint pain. (Negative for psoriatic arthritis, positive for osteoarthritis. Again, I have since learned that this is textbook progression of our aging process.) In bringing inflammation up to my doctor, however, the idea was quickly dismissed and the steroid route was once again discussed. This was when I realized that my psoriasis would continue despite my use of steroid and vitamin creams; I just knew that there had to be some other ‘source’ or the ‘original site’ of whatever was resulting in my psoriasis. I began to conduct my own research on vascular issues and skin disorders. Then, and this is very random, I began to wonder if the ‘particles’ or whatever my body was interpreting as a skin or autoimmune disorder was ‘pooling’ in my lower extremities due to poor circulation. Could that be a thing? I witnessed my mother-in-law and my own mother dealing with water coming through the skin on their legs. In both cases, my mother-in-law and mother would have been helped with exercise. Could psoriasis be like this but not with water but with ‘body junk’ or the results of some environmental cause that was slowly killing me? Then, I began to ponder that, in this case, what was the one thing I could do to help myself?

And that single question, my friends, was when I stumbled on the beauty and adventure of my lifetime.

My road to healing began with an exercise bike and a manicure.

More to come. Be gentle and go in peace.

A New Day, An Old Me

Hello, and welcome back.

It has been quite some time since my last post in which I discussed my struggles with depression in the loss of my mother. This last year has been a real roller coaster of emotions where the unresolved is resolved, and where the broken is put back together again, many times held together with some duct tape.

Does the duct tape make me stronger? Or, are the cracks so deep that they are irreparable? I’m not sure and, like life, time will definitely tell. I like to think that the cracks, held together with the sticky duct tape, make me stronger for I know where my weaknesses are now, don’t I? Because of the crack, I’ve been able to define why the crack exists and how to repair the crack to create a new sense of stability.

I wondered if grief works this way, too, but in a much more subtle way or with invisible duct tape. Grief can create a mirror of our lives which then reflect the many facets of reflection. We may see areas in the reflection that may not be our proudest moments. We may see the opportunity in the mirror for a little growth, too. Through death, I’ve been able to reflect on what I want in life, and where those areas might be ‘shaded’. As we walk along a certain path, these events happen for us to pause, reflect, and make course corrections. If anything comes out of death, the event does breathe a different type of living into us, doesn’t it? Like a reminder of our own mortality. We can decide to grieve the rest of our days – and that is okay. Or, we can honor the person and create more lasting memories with other loved ones in celebration of this thing we call life. I’m for the latter.

In my career, I’ve been eligible for retirement for a few years now. (Frankly, the money wasn’t quite right.) My gut told me to stick it out and, thankfully, I did. Working through the Pandemic has really been a game changer for me in that I continued to have a sense of normalcy while the world seemed to fall apart around me. The death of my mother was really the final straw that broke the old me which didn’t really fit into my new reality. While the world seemed to be simultaneously shifting while standing still, I did the same. Or, I stopped fighting the flow of things. Stopped seeing the problems before they exist, thinking that by some miracle, I could prevent whatever it was I saw happening. I usually did prevent these events from occurring. Or, so I thought.

You see, I found things that might happen and set myself up for that eventuality. In doing this activity, I was never really present because I was always looking for the next ‘shoe to drop’. (This habit is so common, there is even a saying!) Recognizing that this mindset took me out of my present moment, I began a course of training to help me determine my well-being goals and the track by which I could achieve a new outlook. This began with my signing up for a single training that appealed to my more analytical side and helped me on this current path of self-care. My beginning was very minor and fit my needs at that time. As a result of this intensive work, I was able to shift my perspective and improve my overall mental well-being. Let me add that the healing has been profound and has resulted in improving me both mentally and physically.

In my darkest time, I decided two things: First, I prayed that my mom would communicate with me by showing me a penny at random times and odd places.

I really felt her (and still do) with me and showing me pennies grounds me in the present moment. I really felt her agreement and I do find pennies from time to time in the oddest of spots, usually when I’m enjoying life. These pennies are little hugs from my mom. With a quick motion and tear, I snatch up this treasure and put them into my pocket.

The second thing I decided was to retire at the next best window. Life is just too short to work until I drop dead. My mom enjoyed almost 30 years of retirement and, while I don’t think that is in my cards, I want to really give this retirement thing a good try. In my profession, our retirement dates printed on official documents so, selecting my proper year and birthday, I went to the next ‘best’ day. Turns out, this is also my mom’s 88th birthday. The number 88 is significant to me as it represents double infinity, both in life and love. That is about all the future planning I have in the moment, and that is OK.

And, in case you think life is random, let me give you this gem. This week, besides blogging, I’m working in my garden to weed and clean. My prized possession in my garden is a peony that my mother and sister gifted me for my college graduation. Each year, it produces the most beautiful and fragrant blooms and is a showstopper. I have found that gardening is really about tending in the moment for what is to come, or the ultimate ‘being present’. In writing this post and detailing my ‘penny’ experience, I cannot help to see the correlation between the words “penny” and “peony”, and how both are representing my mom. These types of realizations – and viewing this as a deliberate message and not a coincidence – creates the drive in me to continue on my charted course or path. And, THAT, my gentle friend, is the purpose of correlating factors or, for the uninspired, coincidences. Both explanations are correct. However, which viewpoint you choose creates a passion in YOU. Seeing and feeling the passion IS living.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – December or Changing My View of Failure

As many of you know, I manage two different blogs: OwnYourWobble and Mentagility. Both of these blogs deal with aspects of critical thinking and I’m finding that the subject matter is beginning to overlap. Initially, Mentagility – my first blog – was designed to be more business-minded, focusing on productivity and leadership. However, I found the need for creative expression in a more personal way and began OwnYourWobble to share more personal struggles with others who find themselves in the same predicament.

My post on Mentagility this month really resonated to an OwnYourWobble situation so I’m sharing this here as I think this applies to both aspects.

I hope you enjoy, and wishing you all a very Happy New Year! The original post link is here: https://www.mentagility.com/failure-a-changed-mindset/

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In writing my post for this month, I like to begin in the prior month and ‘channel’ a few residual thoughts from my just completed post. I note areas that I didn’t include but are of interest to me at that time and this gives me a little creative loop.

(Note on the image for this post: When I was selecting my featured image for this post, I searched for a picture to denote “failure.” I thought that the “shame” image was very telling on how our society perceives failure as, perhaps, something to be ashamed of? Isn’t that interesting? It is my goal with this post to change our view of failure into something more positive. I hope you continue reading.)

The following were my hastily typed notes from last month and in reviewing these notes I found them to resonate for me in December. Here they are:

Changed my mind about a few things…this came to me by inspired thinking

1.) We must break before we can build

2.) Trusting our own personal timing and ‘flow’

3.) Make decisions from an ‘abundance’ mindset

4.) The importance of sincerely seeing the beauty in ourselves first

This month, I did follow this guidance in my personal life and struggles to improve my feeling of health. In my weight loss journey, I began to feel very restricted which began as a physical sensation and evolved into a mental frame of thinking. With the surge of COVID-19 in the Northeast, we began to once again be isolating into a quarantine. This external driver created another internal loop of my normal behavior to ‘cope’. Instead of using this coping mechanism, however, I elected to choose a different path: Self-love. I listened to myself, considered my known situation, and gave in to the removal of perceived restrictive behavior. Because I gave myself the Grace to be in the moment, I turned a corner in how I viewed my personal journey. This decision reflected #4. I saw myself as a person, not as a thing to be belittled. I spoke to myself as I would a friend, not an enemy. This is how I gave myself ‘Grace’ or a higher feeling of love than I had ever known before. My decision considered #3, my abundance mindset, because I saw the entire journey to health as a journey, not a destination. I considered everything that I have in life and was so grateful to actually have this struggle because there are so many struggles that could be considered worse.

I began to see the significance of the timing of my struggle which ticked my #2 idea. The timing of the holiday season could not be denied and was key to my understanding of how I wish to achieve my health goals. Everything in our lives is timing; I am beginning to see timing as my Divine guidance and have begun to be more of an observer of life and letting things ‘flow’ from me and not necessarily ‘to’ me. I’d like to live life more like thinking that “the ‘to'” is taken care of already by what I put out to the world. I finally realized that I can only control my behaviors in the moment which stem from my beliefs. Our beliefs are extremely important to mentagility so I’m very cognizant of how they originate … and my interpretation of them.

This leads me to #1: We must break before we can build. When I discuss ‘break’ in this sense, it is not a literally breaking of things or of self. It is more of a breaking of beliefs that no longer serve me. It is my judgement to what serves me which is why it is important that our judgment be free of bias or the “trappings of life”. When I have a belief that does not feel good, I really began to examine the belief from a few different perspectives – mainly, internal and external. What internal measures am I consciously or unconsciously using? What are the external factors? I review these areas without emotion so that I can more scientifically assess them.

If I have an emotion within the belief as I did in my recent struggle, that emotion is to be addressed first so that I can better understand the cue that life has given me. Emotions are neither good nor bad; they are cues to my personal beliefs about a given situation, both known and unknown. This unraveling of your emotions takes time which we may believe we don’t have. (That is also a belief that is based on your behavior, isn’t it?) We actually do have time because, Dear Reader, this is the reason we are living. It is not doing a job and earning a good salary. Nor, is our purpose to necessarily being a good parent. Those roles and purposes are trappings of our lives and where or how we grew up. We are all in our personal situations as a type of classroom where we can learn. Classrooms take all shapes and sizes, interactions and events. I believe that as long as we realize that there is a benefit in all things, we can actually begin to see the positive which helps to give a certain belief and begins the rebuilding process.

Here’s the thing. I’ve tried this journey before and have failed at one point or another. Rather than learn from ‘the’ past failures before, I berated myself for them and, thus, doomed myself to repeat them in one form or another. By accepting failure as an example of what isn’t working – and de-personalizing the failure – I’m creating a healthier ‘me’ in the long run because I no longer focus on what happened but on the lessons I learned as a result. It is our belief or perspective that helps us see past the emotions and understand and accept these failures so we can continue to learn. And, in that, a failure isn’t anything other than a missed cue or a needed change in one’s perspective. Peace, and may you, too, fail in your goals so that you can learn more about yourself in the journey.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

Lessons from 2021 – November or Waiting for Inspiration Gets One Everywhere

As you read my lessons from November, it is just gone December 4th. My lesson is really short: Be Inspired. I have found that I feel better and have better results when my actions are taken after inspiration. Many times, inspiration can even result from my inaction which, in itself, is actually an action. It is how we define inspiration that separates us. Inspiration is that niggle of an idea or a phrase that we just overlook because we are too busy to listen and pay attention.

The idea came to me in a recent dream experience that I’d like to share. In this dream, I realized that my own personal inspiration comes to me in a whisper of an idea, a dream, or an inclination to do or be something…different. Fear keeps me small and is a damn waste of energy. My inspiration is the kindness of a stranger, or the beauty of nature around me, or the laugh of my partner over something really trivial. It used to be that nasty voice telling me I wasn’t ‘enough.’ Now, the voice is much more relaxed due to my acceptance of who I am and what I’m about. I’ve come to realize that the voice is always there and is what one may call my own personal intuition. It reflects my own opinions and that nastiness was my own extreme self-judgment which kept me moving forward, on a path. As I said above, the idea came to me in a dream that was so profound and occurred the night that I asked my own self to help me see what my reason for being is. I’ve been studying brain science and the subconscious: the roles it plays in our lives. One of the exercises is to ask for a dream to help one navigate to their true purpose, which is exactly what I did this evening. I asked: Am I just to be a wife, sister, and daughter in this life? I would like to help others find this sense of peace that I’ve chased through my decades of breathing to find – and recently realized that it was always within myself. I used to look externally for what I already had and that had been buried so deep that I lost my own sense of self through always trying to fit in. Big, big, mental movement forward. ❤

My dream was very profound and occurred the night that I requested the dream. I was traveling with a large suitcase, computer bag, and purse – my normal M.O. It was a busy airport and felt like what I imagine Tokyo to feel like. Busy, with people of all kinds going every direction. (I originally noted that it was Newark Airport but the airport was new, shiny, really clean…or not Newark. Sorry, Newark, this airport was so modern and clean, the floors were all shiny white tiles. Newark reminds me of a 70s den with wood paneling.)

I was struggling with my luggage, alternating how to carry it all for the wheels took up too much space; I struggled in walking through the airport from gate to gate. I was traveling with three people, one of which was my sister. (Odd.) We were being picked up by my colleague’s father who looked like a man I used to work for when I was 18. He was joined by another man who I worked for at the same place. (These two ran a company that sold electronic parts off the boat through a catalog service. I handled the order desk and was always told that any delays were stuck on a boat through customs.) Anyway, in my struggling with my luggage, I lost track of the bosses’ direction and we got separated from them…and ended up stopping for lunch. Everything was tile floors, bright black and white lighting, and a lot of neon for an airport. While we stopped to rest, I received an email from the boss asking where we were. (Why didn’t he call me, I don’t know.) We got moving again as I struggled to read and respond to his email asking where we were in the airport, along with always dropping or losing my luggage and stopping while people got mad at me, running around me as I was slowing the pace of the entire airport. This was a particular memory as I struggled with the communication form as we can sometimes do when our devices don’t cooperate. Finally, after a significant struggle, I was able to read the email – the time that went by seemed like hours. I was told that they were at gate 920 or 902…the 20 and 02 in those numbers flipped flopped like an old burned out neon sign. I noted that we were at gate 11 in the airport. I was told to find “Akira” and that they would be meeting me there. As I struggled with understanding how I would get to gate 920, I woke up.

When I ask for a dream from my subconscious to help me navigate, I will go to bed with a journal so that I can review and record the dream for later interpretation. The areas that stand out are giving a highlight and I do some internet research in the area just to figure out what it all means.

What stood out to me were three things, listed in an order of priority based on my immediate feelings upon waking up:

1.) The gate numbers: 11 and 920. I was aghast at how far they’d come and how little traveling I had done in the same time. The number 11 is always a sign to me that I’m supported by the Universe. What does 920 mean?

2.) What the heck is Akira? Is this a restaurant? It was repeated to me and I figured I’d seen this in an airport at some point. (Literal me.)

3.) Why couldn’t I just roll my luggage? Why was the use of email also a struggle? What was the reason for all of the struggling when I had the means to NOT struggle?

Here are the answers that I found and believe to be helpful for me.

1.) The meaning of the number 920. Thank you to angelnumber.org for their work in this area. From this site, I was able to ascertain the following:

As an ‘angel number’, “…[t]he number 920 combines the energy and attributes of the numbers 9, 2, and 0. The number 0 intensifies the energy of other numbers, in this case, the numbers 9 and 2. The number 9 symbolizes spirituality and spiritual evolvement, as well as the path towards spiritual awakening and enlightenment. This number also symbolizes humanitarianism, service to the humankind, philanthropy, altruism, peace, faith, karma, the Universal Spiritual Laws, lightworking and lightworkers. It also symbolizes endings and closures, as well as serving as an example to others. The number 2 signifies balance, duality, harmony, mediation, diplomacy, teamwork, compassion, compromise, cooperation, selflessness, peace, encouragement, trust, faith, stability, service to others, responsibilities, empathy, relationships, partnerships, love, and kindness. This number also symbolizes following your soul’s purpose and mission in this life. The number 0 is a symbol of infinity and eternity, wholeness and oneness, cycles, phases, flow, closures and new beginnings, potential, new opportunities, chances, God and the energy of the Universe, spirituality, and spiritual development.

The number 920 in general signifies major closures and endings, as well as new beginnings in your life. It also symbolizes the change of cycles and phases in one’s life.

It symbolizes relationships, selflessness, balance, stability, faith, trust, spirituality, spiritual evolving, humanitarianism, serving humanity, altruism, and philanthropy.

This number also symbolizes teamwork, partnerships, compromise, lightworking, cooperation, duality, diplomacy, mediation, service to others, infinity, wholeness, oneness, phases and cycles, potential, and new opportunities.

The Secret Meaning and Symbolism

The angel number 920 is a message from the Universe, which confirms that you are on the right path to fulfill your Divine soul’s purpose and mission in this life.”

WOW! I was reading this at 5:30AM and was just gobsmacked that I had actually dreamed this information! I took a sip of the coffee and continued with my research.

2.) What is Akhira? When I ‘Googled’ the term, it was spelled this way but I pronounced it with more of an ‘a’ sound that that with the ‘i’ in the back of the word. The first term was this:

“Akhirah is the term used in Islam to describe the belief in everlasting life after death. Muslims regard life on Earth as a test from Allah, to prepare them for eternal life. … Muslims believe they can enter Paradise by living according to the teachings of the Qur’an.”

Now, I’m not of the Islamic faith so this was totally out of left field for me. However, given what I had learned on the number of 920, I accepted that my dream referenced this in its meanings. My final destination. What a beautiful reference, too, to a faith that is not my own. This also spoke to me that all faith is good. Having faith is a beautiful thing that we humans enjoy.

3.) This meaning to me was obvious. The luggage I was struggling with was my own personal baggage that was weighing me down. My struggle with handling everything became the entire focus of my journey and got me a bit lost. To answer being lost, I stopped and had lunch. See this site for a full explanation. I have had the dream of struggling with luggage before, and being left behind. This seemed to be a running theme in my dreams for the past few years. What I had not had was the clarity of purpose, or the other notes which is why this item is third.

Now, you may wonder how inspiration figures here. Well, I learned of the idea of the subconscious mind in reading I’m doing. This book is fascinating and a recommendation from Jim Fortin. (Listen, folks, if you are struggling with changes in your life, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND JIM FORTIN’S WORK AND PODCAST. It has changed my life.) I came upon Jim’s work after listening to a totally unrelated comic discuss the profound impact it made for her while relaxing at home one evening. Her discussion was so much how I was currently thinking that the message could have been FOR me. I felt inspired to find out more. In researching Jim’s work, he discusses brain science, shamanism, and all things transpersonal psychology. He recommended two books to read, one of which was The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy. A dated but fascinating discussion of the formation of the brain and impact on humans. It is sitting at my bed table for night time studying.

It occurred to me in the writing of this post that, by just following my own inspiration, I have made such a profound ‘leap’ in my own development through listening and acting on my own internal voice. I stopped arguing with myself and am now a creature of inspired action. This has resulted in a decrease of anxiety and a level of self- acceptance I never thought possible. A work in progress, sure, with all of the ebbs and flows that life provides in our grand journeys. As I was saying just yesterday, when life begins its ebbs, we need to flow to meet the ebb…or not. We can wait for the flow to return which is part of the larger Universal design, right? I’ve accepted that I’m different and that is by design. I’m okay with being unique and not conforming to expectations – even my own. Not more, just different.

Here’s hoping that as we hunker down into winter up here in the cold northern hemisphere, you find your inspiration in the solitude of the evening or the smile of your dog. (Yes, they smile!) A suggestion: Listen to your intuition and let the inspiration find you when the time is right for both of you! The work we have to do is to clear up our mental clutter to be able to hear. Peace and love for the end of 2021.

Lessons from 2021 – September or Three New Daily Habits

It is August 29, 2021, and I’ve just completed my post for the month of August. In this, I examined my original draft written about three weeks ago and compared this to my feelings today which were completely different and I wanted to understand why that happened. I found that I slacked off on my planning and let my incoming emails dictate the day and I’m feeling the mental stress of my lack of planning.

For September, I am committing to making a structure of three different areas with the following goals:

Personal – I will do one “chore” each day towards the overall maintenance of my home. Each chore will be no more than a collective 20 minutes; any longer chores will be split up over a few days.
Self-Care – I will do at least one positive thing towards my health goals of wellness. This may include: eating breakfast, choosing fruit and more natural sweets, drink water, exercise, meditate, wash/moisturize my skin, wear matching clothing, etc.
Work – Select my “one thing” and complete it to the best of my ability. Time block mornings for execution, afternoons for communication. If it takes multiple days, take the time and block it off.

Now that I’ve written my intentions here, I shall copy this into my journal (Hey, Self-Care!!) so that I can keep it in my intentional focus. I will report back at the end of September with my thoughts.

WEEK ONE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 3, 2021

I decided to add to my original plan a weekly review which includes a check in with myself for a month seems too long and doesn’t allow me to have my own personal “immediate” feedback. This week was hectic – two days I worked straight through without a lunch break or any pauses. I recognized that a lot of my normal self care and personal chores existed in my AM and PM routines so I acknowledged those in my planner. Both of these routines have been ongoing for a while now but without a daily intention or acknowledgement. Checking them off each day gave me a feeling of satisfaction, the formality of setting this in my calendar extremely helpful. Interesting, right? I also added a work task to each day that was not my “One Thing” but was for the purpose of that day and what was best for my organization. This, in turn, helped me so this type of thinking became my “one thing”…for now. I realize that there is no personal element considered in this type of thinking and that will need to shift if I’m to enjoy what I do for a living.

Since working from home during COVID, the morning routine I’ve found that works best for me was based on my assessment using Atomic Habits of my daily patterns and each task is designed to initiate the next task. (Now, I’m on autopilot.) My AM routine consists of – and not in any specific order:

wake
start coffee (push button)
take AM pill (on empty stomach)
morning ablutions (or shower depending on the day)
make my AM bulletproof coffee
read the news (only while “going” which is about what the news is worth to me these days)
meditate (I’m listening to a great audio book as a meditation strategy)
dress
make breakfast for the dog and I
take AM vitamins & other medicines with food
journal
start work

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week One

Now, many of you may say, “Why doesn’t she make her bed?” which seems to be the cornerstone of everyone’s morning routine. Well, I have a partner that does not get up at the same time as I do. I mention this because there is a lot of information about morning routines in the Inter-World — and there is no one right way. That is why Atomic Habits was so helpful. (You’re welcome.) Having my goals in my journal where I viewed them every day was also really helpful. One cannot achieve something if your focus is elsewhere. I also used my planner and checked off all of my achievements. I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. On to Week #2!

WEEK TWO CHECK IN – Week Ending September 10, 2021

Last week was a bit more chaotic than the first week. I began my week with a good plan of daily assessments along with my “AM” and “PM” routines noted in my calendar. The structure helped me to see that I lacked a bit of discipline in my planning.

My “One Thing” for the job, however, wasn’t as clear to me each day. (Considering my job takes up more than a third of each day, not setting my “One Thing” each day was detrimental to my overall productivity. (Note: I only realized this after the fact.) If left unchecked, my days can be filled with “shallow work” or, as Professor Cal Newport says in his book, Deep Work:

“Shallow Work: Noncognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.” (Page 6)

By the end of the week, I felt this lack of stability very clearly in my choice of tasks that may not have been the best use of my time. In the middle of the week, I took a day off just because. While this wasn’t on my schedule per say, I felt the need to walk away from my work for a bit of a break and practiced being retired. person-768787__340 I feel like I have one foot in both worlds: working and retired. I’m making the mental transition, too, and have a bit of myself scattered all over the place. This “scattering” may be why I’m not mentally engaged in either place. Focus, like willpower, I’m learning, is limited and each area of focus takes a bit more energy so that I’m not really able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m working out a “time blocking” scenario for working that includes my routines. For those of you interested, here is my PM routine:

Decide to go to bed (I don’t have a set time, usually signaled by my couch dozing)
Clean kitchen, reset dishwasher, wipe counters and spills, clean sink which usually takes me about 15 minutes. It is a good break from the television, too.
Set up coffee so that I can hit a button.
Brush teeth
Wash and moisturize face
Prep CPAP machine (Yay! Thanks, menopause and being overweight)
Treat psoriasis with whatever cream a doctor gave me that is purported to work
Read a few pages until dozing

That is about it for my PM routine. It doesn’t take me long and I like the bit of a break between watching television and actually sleeping.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Two

I’m a bit tired at the end of this week, more mentally than physically. I’m not sure why other than my attention is a bit scattered, like I have a lot on my plate but am unaware of everything. And, I’m not even sure that this is the reason for the unease. I do think that focusing on too much at once is unhealthy for me and I don’t feel like I’m really involved due to the lack of focus. I think I will make more of an effort to be in the moment and focus on what is in front of me – whether I placed it there or life has given me a new opportunity for growth. I also think that I lacked meal structure and have taken a few options in my shopping to help me stay nourished in a more structured kind of way. Last week, we had some work done on our house which changed my normal. I did not prepare and could not go grocery shopping because the trucks blocked the garage. The work is marvelous and one of the three projects I must do before I can officially retire. This may be why I feel like I’m in two places at once. Interesting thought that my external goals for my house are impacting to such a degree my retirement feelings and my plan.

This week, I plan to time block my mornings and select my most important task to complete each day. I will continue with my AM and PM routines as they are. I also need to add one household chore to each day, which I will do….AND STICK WITH IT.

WEEK THREE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 17, 2021

Last week was a pretty productive week if you look at my calendar. I don’t really “feel” that my week was productive, however. I’m not sure why that is and am considering that productivity is more of a state of mind than an actual “thing.” Like, I need to “feel” productive in order to be productive? (Editing Note: In week one, above, I made the following statement: I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. BAM! I actually caught myself before sliding down my normal hole of despair and self-focused negativity.) So, taking my sage wisdom from about two weeks ago, let me re-frame my week a bit.

What I did do was work to shift on the small things and began compounding them each day for a successful outcome. I began to block my time on Wednesday and found that I got work done without a lot of interruption. (Cool!) The structure – interestingly enough – also helped me to schedule in some exercise which I added on Friday and Saturday. (OMG!) I wrote into my planner “AM Routine” and “PM Routine” before the week began, and checked them off each day in my planner. That simple writing it down, stopping each day to check, thinking about my routine, and the physical act of “checking a box” really helped me to mentally “block” the time for myself. I also journaled a few days as well.

While I always mentally blocked time in my mind, my reality never really formally adapted to this construct which created a sense of incompleteness in my day. By externally writing things more formally in my planner, this action mentally closed a completion loop for me. (Interesting.) I also began to write my One Thing for work and for my household, the latter of which did not get done during the week. Frankly, I could care less today. (Again, interesting.) I want the result (clean house) but the daily tasks were apparently too much for me. As I understand these concepts, I’m going to need to see this task (clean house) as a smaller set of more doable tasks. As I look back at my week just completed, I was so focused on what I didn’t do that this perspective created an overall negativity that is like a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day and altering your plans because there is a chance of rain. Seems I may have tapped into something “off” in how I think here which will give me something to consider for next week.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Three

I do better with a bit of formalized structure to my life; this is a benefit for me. This constant mental chatter of my own progress (and lack thereof) is challenged when I formalize the structure so my own mental “truth” can be faced with the facts, in my own handwriting, in my planner. In my review of this week, this profoundly impacted me. This realization is also key: my version of discipline must have a structure, be formal, and be accountable – and honestly accountable. No bad feelings over here, just realization and acceptance. For Week Four, I will strive to ensure that my structure is sound, relevant, and applicable. Where I feel the structure is lacking or not as successful, I will go smaller and into tinier pieces until I reach the right feeling (or frequency), and then compound them through my daily habits, being satisfied with what is “right now.” On to Week Four!

WEEK FOUR CHECK IN – Week Ending September 24, 2021

Dear Reader, if you are still with me this far, thank you!! This journey, the chronicling of my thinking over the past month in my blog, has been really inspiring. My lesson learned is that my “structure of disciplined ideas” – which is what I’m calling my routines – really helped me. Just yesterday, I had a medical appointment in the afternoon that took me out of my normal routines. No cooking, so we had some takeout for dinner so my dishes were minimal. I was also extremely tired – mentally exhausted – at another tough week. As I was preparing for bed – or “executing my PM routine” – skipping steps felt unnatural to me. I began to look at those few dishes in the sink and my clean dishwasher that needed emptying with a different mindset. My mindset was not of “Ugh!” but of “How long does this really take?” and “If I stop mentally arguing with myself, I’d be done with XX by now.” (Interesting.) My habit of doing the dishes at night ‘stuck’ and I did them quickly, routinely, and went to bed.

Now, I wondered how much of that was habit versus mind-over-matter, like did I just do this because I knew I was blogging on the subject? Was my physical and mental discomfort over the messy kitchen real or make believe? The very next day, I got my answer. On Saturday, September 25, 2021, or yesterday, I had the same situation. We had to take our Toby to the doctor at 2pm – smack dab in the middle of the afternoon which throws my routine right out. We then went grocery shopping, again, outside of the normal routine, ordered our favorite pizza – an eggplant Napolitano with balsamic glaze – from Mama Theresa’s in New Windsor, New York. We have not had this since before the Pandemic so this was such a treat that we ordered a whole pie – or eight slices. By the time we got home, the time was around 5 p.m. so dinner was leftovers as we got hungry. This resulted in my same situation – minimal dishes and a tired Susan. I, again, told my husband I was going straight to bed – and ended up doing the dishes AND watered my plants. Why? Because, my Dear Reader friends, I had built a habit of waking up to a clean and tidy kitchen. My habit was not necessary to do dishes but to wake up with a clean kitchen. Cool, right? Just that little change in my perspective helped me to create a solid and comfortable habit. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink … and now, I am that person.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Four

I finally understand how discipline can help me in my life in other areas, too. Restriction is not something I’m good with and need to remember that. However, discipline is very good for me if I get it out of my head and onto paper. As a person who is highly visual, this makes sense because the act of putting my thoughts to papers helps me see my progress – rather than relying on my faulty perception to feel my progress. Feeling my progress is also misleading because these feelings get clouded with, well, life. Good day? Feels great, making progress. Bad day? Sucks! No progress made. (See my correlation?)

This realization has been throughout the week in other areas, too, since I began to pay attention. I’m also a great believer in the synchronicities in life giving us direction…if we are paying attention. I began to realize that the structure I’ve created is not “restriction” as I had felt but of “discipline” which is a very different mindset. When going to bed, thinking of discipline and how positive an experience this had been for me, I pulled out my night table reading materials. I’m re-reading The One Thing to my support myself through this experience. Using my book mark I opened to the chapter I’d left off from the previous evening’s reading. This was Chapter 6: A Disciplined Life. Yes, Dear Reader, this happened, and I was paying enough attention to recognize this little “Atta Girl” from the universe. I also found a great summary of the book here for those of you intrigued.

MY FIVE LESSONS LEARNED FOR SEPTEMBER 2021:

Creating a structure for myself is a key area of my life that I need to consider in what I do and who I am. There is a discipline in this that makes me extremely comfortable and helps my negative self-talk become a small whisper instead of a constant yelling. Seeing this structure has helped me to create an exercise routine that I’m enjoying, an eating routine that keeps me nourished with good food choices, and a mentally supporting style of thinking that is really helping me feel better.
Having discipline within myself doesn’t mean I’m locked in to anything. It means that I have the freedom of choice – at all times. That is restriction.
And, speaking of restriction, I don’t do well with restriction – yet I tend to see the world in that way. My changing references in my mental body will be key so that, where I feel any restriction, I must review the situation for what it truly is. In my life, I cannot view any changes as “restriction” or these will become sour and cause me untold amount of mental anguish.
Having the discipline to create good structures for myself doesn’t mean I’m locked into just that; I can always add or take away what no longer works. Change doesn’t mean anything failed; change means only that circumstances – whatever they are – have shifted.
Don’t add a “value” label or a “belief” label to anything, anyone, or myself – the latter of which is my normal focus. Labels take judgment and perception that are most likely way wrong. Don’t judge others for the same; they are also on the journey.

CONCLUSION:

All in all, September was a helluva month. What a turning point. My acceptance of myself has lead me to very different realizations that I will begin to follow in other life areas. These realizations have also really helped me to overcome a few mental challenges in stepping up my game. Maybe some of the changes take, maybe some need smaller increments to help them stick. Whatever life throws at me, however, can be handled for I have the discipline and restriction to handle life – whether that means to step back and watch, or to jump right in and take a deep dive.

Peace, Dear Reader. Be well, and welcome fall.

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