A friend recently told me that life is lived in ‘the Dash’ – or the line between your birth and death as written on one’s headstone. The Dash is the all-encompassing of living a life and not necessarily a life “well-lived”. What we do in “the Dash” really is all there is. The Dash is the realm of all possibilities, big and small. When we see life from the top down, like we are managing ‘the Dash’, the possibilities feel endless. However, when we look at life from within the Dash, do we really have the perspective we need? How much of “the Dash” is real and what is imagined by me as part of living my life?
I’ve been feeling of late that I need to get out of my own way as I navigate my Dash. After many years of working for someone else, my own creativity is now interrupting my ideas of what should be for me in retirement. What I didn’t truly understand is how my coping behaviors did not leave any mental space for any new ideas that might have helped shape a life. Many times, I see things that I’m hopeful for versus what truly is. Can a person have an imaginary Dash from reality? And, isn’t that also part of one’s Dash? Too many questions to answer – yet – I think I found my own personal answer. I love the idea of the possibility of a life that moves up and down around a centering thought of love and gratitude – and without judgment of self and others. This realization came from a recent experience and pointed to how I want to navigate my personal Dash.
Let me correct this: I don’t want to navigate my Dash. I want to LIVE my Dash. Feels different, doesn’t it? My first experience was amazing and I’m looking to bump along in my Dash from this vantage point. A vantage point that throws the idea of a random life out the window and where we institute a mindset that nothing is random and all is guided by our feelings and thoughts. Getting these (feelings and thoughts) correct is our Dash work. Here is an example:
I recently began working on jigsaw puzzles as part of my effort to be intentional with my time. Sitting with a puzzle piece, contemplating its placement on my landscape of colorful abstracts, slowed time down to a molasses-like pace. (Yeah, me!) This is key because, as a child, I struggled with sitting still and focusing on something like a puzzle. Or coloring book. The only way I would sit is if I was playing with my mother’s change because I was busy doing the addition and subtraction in my head. Until I began to play video games as an adult, I really couldn’t sit still as my brain always raced and propelled me to move. My job as an auditor was especially challenging and I became a master at distraction to hold my interest and focus. Many times, I would be found pacing or doing something totally inane to help me focus. My diagnosis last year of ADHD (Gray Ladies Unite) explained away many of the ‘crazies’ and I was finally capable of seeing my behavior as normal – for me – and be okay with the restlessness. This mental approval of myself had been what I was missing for my entire adult life; I’m not complaining for this way of self-berating behavior gave me this life I am now enjoying. I just now need to repair the toll of decades of self-judgment that was unchecked because this judgment made me successful. Part of that repair was embarking a self-discovery journey, including therapy.
As part of my retirement, I began a weekly ‘walking’ exercise in my town. Outside of our meeting area was a bookshelf containing books and puzzles for a causal exchange. I took my first puzzle earlier this year to try out my ability to focus and concentrate. The first few times were tough as I kept getting up to do something else – usually something needed cleaning. I became increasing frustrated and began to recognize that my need to get up and move was how I learned to cope with the restlessness.
Over a few months, I did quite a few puzzles, from nature scenes to country life. The ability to sit and understand the compulsion to always ‘get up’ and ‘do’ allowed me to now manage my mindset. What a shift! I began to seek out a new puzzle each week to practice sitting still and focusing. A few months ago, I was looking for a puzzle and just couldn’t decide. I turned my attention away from the shelf when a puzzle landed on my foot, opening up, and the contents (thankfully already placed in a slider storage bag) spilled out. This was near impossible because the puzzle almost had to be pushed to land in such a manner. The box is two inches thick and sturdy. To fall on my foot from three feet away, open up, and spill it contents was not normal. OK, Universe, color me intrigued. I was stunned to quiet which does take effort!
I picked up the puzzle and took it home with me like a secret treasure, a knowing. (No, it was a painting of a lighthouse on a cliff.) After completing the puzzle, I sat back and waited for lightening to strike, so sure that the epiphany would be immense. After all, the puzzle flew at me! (By the end of the story, this puzzle will have taken flight and baked cookies, too!) Of course, nothing happened. No magic realization, no immediate insight into the meaning of life. I really didn’t know what to think other than there was something to this puzzle. The next week, I found myself at the shelf where the puzzle was from last week trying to figure out what happened. In its place? A well-worn book called Awareness: Conversations with the Masters. Intrigued, I picked up the book and found it was written based on a retreat conducted by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. I set it back on the shelf thinking that I have read a lot of these types of books when it fell off the shelf and landed on my foot. “Just what is wrong with the shelf?” I wondered when I realized that this book was MY sign!! I snatched that book up and tucked it away into my things, now a precious gift.
I began reading the book that evening and enjoyed it so much that I purchased the audio to listen in the car. My place in the book I’m reading with my eyes is different than the audio book. I wondered when the two might align and if that would be an interesting point. And, yes, it was – and that is where I will leave this. This book just recognized how much of our life we create in our head versus what is truly real. De Mello believes that we just need to become “awake” or aware of what is real versus what is not real. (Believe me when we have a whole lotta junk that is not real. Just sayin’.)
The morale of my story is this: Let life unfold FOR you. The hard bits are also FOR you – to learn. The emotions are not easy but they tell a tale of how you see the world. The emotions point to something in YOU or how you are seeing or being in a situation. We cannot be made to feel an emotion by someone else. As a child, I did not understand that feelings are okay. It is a signpost of how you truly feel – like a gut reaction. If the feeling isn’t what you like or expect, examine it for what is there and place your own judgment aside. Open your mind and ask the harder question of yourself, without accusation. Take time to slow down and really be intentional. These feelings are guidance and can be changed. Think of it this way: When you love someone, you want to help them. Love your fellow human. Help them when you can. Love yourself too.
Peace.
Well, Dear Reader, once I put my idea in storage for the month, I usually let the idea go to either root for further examination in the following month, or to totally get dumped with a new and emerging idea or event. I have given myself the ability to pivot whenever I feel the creative juices flow in a different direction. Funnily enough, however, I’ve never done the latter and just scrapped an idea for my ideas have always had some kernel or nugget of truth in the month that just passed. Isn’t that interesting? Anyway, I had planned to discuss the importance of acting on an idea and that is just what I’m doing these days and, to my surprise, it feels great!
I’ve recently found this planner peace in my life but not in the way you may think. After years of videos, different planning styles, using “Frankenplanners” which are combinations of multiple systems, studying technology for productivity, and everything in between, I realized that nothing works if you don’t use it — which kept happening to me. I felt like a personal failure each time I failed. Then, I watched a 
I settled on a 
And, that, right there is the key: Feeling like a success. While my planner for this month really shows how busy I was, the colors, notes, and stickers really enforced that I am busy, and that I was able to really “level up” these areas of my life through this extreme focus. My house is clean, my work is caught up, and I have found such a great new You Tube inspiration that I’m not willing to share…yet. Throughout the month on a few too many days my One Thing was “meetings” which, in the past, I never accounted for. However, when you have ten meetings in an eight-hour day, “meetings” become a work task. (I never recorded my meetings as a “task” before, always wondering why I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything that day. When you think about the schedule, it’s a wonder I even had lunch!) I also stopped deliberately multi-tasking during these meetings by focusing on other work that needs to get done; adding stickers to my planner doesn’t require a lot of thought so my attention can be directed to the meeting and not what I’m not accomplishing by sitting in “listen only” mode. I also recognized that the idea of multi-tasking is not a healthy mindset for me. I mentally benefit from the ability to focus on my One Thing, complete my tasks, and then, if I have time, add any additional work or chores. To try and be or do so many things at once dishonors myself and the work, too, for it cannot be my best work.
However, if you aren’t also recording the “today”, you may not act on any of those wonderful goals you have written in your planner because there was no action plan. I improperly used my planner as I had no “action plan” for today to reach those goals; I only recorded future events and goals and failed to construct the steps needed to reach (Key pro-tip, folks!) those future goals through changing my today. (
My own personal negative thinking was out of control and virtually undetectable except in bitter self-talk that was so ingrained, this talk “
Really? What is shocking is how bad this guidance is because wouldn’t any reasonable person think that, if I could do this, I would do this? Does my doctor or therapist really think I like being obese? If you’d taken the time to actually pay attention to me, you’d realize that I’m a highly intelligent and educated woman who is struggling. There was another answer for me and I couldn’t find a decent medical professional to actually help me.
So, now that you are educated in this area, why don’t you examine if you, too, have a fat bias? If you struggle with your weight, honestly consider if a fat bias is preventing you you from realizing your own goals. How might decades of ingrained thinking be impacting you? Are you looking for that magic pill to fix your situation? (Don’t, there isn’t one.) Be kind with yourself and accept that we are all trying our best and that you are a product of your environment and perceptions, self including. It is my hope that this information helps you to fight for what you need and to not let someone else’s – or your own – bias prevent you from living the life you were meant to live. Peace.
The cycle continued until I no longer enjoyed falling down as part of my skating effort, or I was unwilling to risk my physical and mental injuries caused by an accidental fall. Note I said I was unwilling to take the risk. Was this a conscious decision on my part? Nope. Just woke up one day and said, yep, I’m done with falling down. I began to see my falling down as extremely tiresome and, well, painful, and alchemized the desire to not fall down to result in my desire to stop roller skating. The scars of falling down, however, have lived in me for many decades. I have a fear of falling and – up until recently – a fear of humiliation or disappointing my parents. Skating, you ask? Yep. This fear doesn’t necessarily stem from skating but from how I handled the falls and resulting mental anxiety from the idea of falling. This became a personal filter for me, along with many other filters from living life.
she mentions the idea of filters in how we view our lives. “Although we can’t control what happened to us in childhood, as adults we still seem to carry that baggage with us, often without realizing it.” Moorjani continues: “We still view the world through that same old lens that no longer applies! We may thing we’re seeing the truth, but actually we’re viewing the world through our own filters.” (Page 124) I believe that these filters cause us to operate at a certain frequency or vibration – or an energy. The idea of energy has intrigued me for my entire life. (For years, I’ve pondered the question of what makes my heart continue to beat.) Those types of introspection were common for me. I also used to wonder how and why people see things so differently when we all see the same event. Isn’t that fascinating? Take being a witness to a crime. In obtaining the witness’ recollection of the crime or event, each witness will respond very differently, even down to the description of the individual. How does THAT happen? It really boils downs to what we pay attention to and how mentally attuned we are to the situation. If you know that you are in the middle of some event where you may need to recollection the activities of said event, you pay attention. Just like in school, when you know if have a test and haven’t studied, you may pay more attention. It is attention management that is really key in both of these situations, and, frankly, in how we live our lives.
Our filters create an unconscious response that continues to perpetuate the filter, or we are creating our own stories. All the time. I don’t even listen when I’m in the middle of creating my own filtered story because I was operating in a world where my filter was my reality. In trying to always multi-task, I’m giving those filters a lot of room for expansion because I never set my attention on something long enough to even identify my personal filters. (Yuck!) Remember, too, that everyone has their own filters. This is why listening 
In fact, the number one definition on the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the term “alchemy” as “…
We are all gold just as we are but may not believe that because we’ve actually alchemized our living experiences through the brain’s filtration system and came out with the wrong answer. The idea of disappointing my parents is a filter that is realized by my skating but also comes through in very different ways, too. This single filter is huge and has impacted – or alchemized – my life experiences.
For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Kross’ work as I was, linked here is an 
This is an easy-to-watch, 30-minute primer for you to see if this book may resonate with you as much as the message resonated with myself. Kross is a professor of psychology and management at the University of Michigan and director of the Emotion and Self Control Laboratory with the University. Or, no slouch. The book is chock-full of referenced information and studies so this is not just one person’s opinion.
Both are excellent reads and touch on very similar subject: the voice inside us. Each tackles the idea of mental chatter, and the source, dangers, and necessity but from different perspectives. This chatter creates the emotions or feelings that then drive our behavior. How we think about something (or, the chatter) really determines how we feel and, accordingly, how we respond. I’ve done quite a lot of blogging on my realization that I even had this voice – and the negativity it espoused. An area that Dr. Kross discusses is about the power of nature and awe in such a unique – yet, not unique – kind of way. This is something that has provided me comfort throughout my life yet I never realized why. How did you feel looking at the photo? Did that sense of wonder give you a bit of a release from your own personal chatter? The comfort of nature and feeling my own smallness has helped me in the past but I was never aware of why. I just knew it worked. With the knowledge I know have from Kross’ book, I can move forward to use the power of nature and awe more deliberately in my life. I’ve learned this month that deliberate intention helps to frame the situation so that we can achieve the maximum amount of benefit from the experience in whatever way we choose.
In a video game I finished called Concrete Genie, the main character (Ash) is chased and bullied by other kids who are struggling with their own demons. Ash is painting his world more beautiful and removing the shadows of leftover emotions in the town. When my character is captured and held by these children, he is unwaveringly calm and not fearful. These bullies ask why he is not scared, he responded that he realized their anger towards him was not about him but about them. You know, it always is that way, even with our own anger. Many times, we mistake this negative thought about one’s self as an external “trigger” and the misunderstandings escalate; this trigger is actually internal and under our own control. Couple this with our inability actually listen with an open mind, these misunderstandings grow and grow, based on a false or misunderstood premise. We then argue over something that is so far and away from the true issue that we forget the real matter and just are trying to be right. (Speaking from experience.)
When my first husband became comatose about three weeks after we were married, I sat for days outside, with my own thoughts, in my Adirondack chair, noticing how the spring came in, watching my backyard begin the ritual of a seasonal change. Being in nature gave me the peace of mind I needed to begin each day and understanding that the world had its own plans and that my little life plans were really unimportant in the larger view of life. This feeling, at its truest, positive sense, was a feeling of awe. Once I settled into the idea that the life I had planned with him was not to be, my greiving became more about missing the person and not the life we were supposed to have – obviously, the life we had planned was not to be. I was crying over the loss of the expectation of life being a certain way. In my daily trips to the hospital, I would open my sunroof in my car to feel the air outside and the sunlight and comfort of being warmly cuddled. This gave me strength to sit by my spouse and ensure he was being being cared for. It was during one of these trips that I felt the extreme release of just giving up as I sat in my car, struggling with my emotions. It felt like a turning point of allowing me to stop mourning something that was never to be. In this, I felt a sense of awe, of smallness. I had figured out something about myself and that my role was to help my spouse exit his life as it was done – and was not going to include me anymore; my life was meant to continue but without him. The awe I felt at this realization was extremely humbling and allowed me to move on, both in my mental space and my heart space.
I figured he was baking for the elves since they did not taste the treats that Santa obviously devoured when visiting our house! To this day, even on the other side of the country which is where I now live, sunsets like this create a sense of awe in me with the fondest of memories, too.
, 
found that I loved English chocolate treats, and would enjoy it all. I was so excited to find something new and different each day, too! We traveled to a new site – a 
cathedral like Salisbury Cathedral shown here, or stately manor or palace, or museum, or even just the shops in town – and took it all in with a sense of awe. When I would come home, my mother would wonder if I ran out of money since I had lost weight and must have stopped eating at some point during my trip. Very interesting that I would lose weight while really enjoying life. Yet, in my day to day, I struggle with weight and body image issues. (Not sure what to make of this but I find the link with awe very fascinating and something I will be exploring for myself.)
Some people experience it when they see Bruce Springsteen in concert, read an Emily Dickinson poem, or take in the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. Others may have awe-drenched experiences when they see something extraordinary in person, like a high-stakes sports event or a legendary object like the U.S.. Constitution, or witness something intimately monumental, like an infant taking its first steps. Evolutionary psychologists theorize that we developed this emotion because it helps unite us with others by reducing our self-interest, which provides us with a survival advantage because groups fare better against threats and can achieve loftier goals by working together.” Fascinating work, Dr. Kross, with tons of practical application.
As I began to contemplate the “for me” aspect to my life, I began to journal and this helped me to get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Since I am a visual person, I’ve learned that writing things down when I’m bothered or when I have an important decision to make really helps clarify my thinking. I guess “seeing is believing” holds true in this aspect of mentagility, too. I’ve realized that everything in my life has happened for me to learn and respond to…there is no emotion that would need to be included here although I have certainly spiced my life with all kinds of emotions – good, bad, and everything in between. We all have done this, haven’t we? It is how we are taught to live our lives – or it is the lack of teaching at a young age that is now requiring correction as an adult. I cannot imagine what my life would look like now had I learned this at age 16 when first presented with these aspects of myself. I was unready for such knowledge as this greater understanding only comes after years of experience for the knowledge to really sink in. About two years ago, I heard the other voice that Singer describes and was startled at the realization of the voice in my head…and what it was saying that kept me so small. I wrote an entire blog post of the experience, too, without knowing just what happened and have an understanding of what this event meant to me and my future.
The Wobble 