This is a blog post that will change everything for me. Sometimes, we have such a profound experience that the experience must create a new path or trajectory for our life. This is one of those moments that I’m sharing in the hopes that someone else impacted by this can obtain additional information and seek treatment. Here is my story thus far – more to come. And, this is a story of my own personal joy. Joy at having found an answers I didn’t understand I was seeking.

In the path of our lives, we realize certain personality quirks or traits that we accumulated or were taught through the observation and emulation of others’ behaviors. This can be a parental influence or some other authority figure which then creates a weight with us. Like “Mom must know, she is always right about these things” or “Dr. So-and-so said that blah, blah, blah….”. We take whatever that is and adapt it into our own traits in a type of maladaptive behavior without truly understanding. There is a cost to this which we pay in various ways which I’m realizing can eat at one’s own person/being. Bite by bite, the cost can be felt at various key moments yet they aren’t tied back to the original source of the issue but whatever is being reflected in that moment. We take the moment, process it, and move on but fail to consider another causality. Another possible reason.

I’ve been spending the past two weeks with my mind really cooking up a glorious buffet of possibility.  I’m letting my big brain run amok – giving it permission to ramble and meander through some of the mental dust I’ve gathered over the past five or so decades, and sift through the memories of what…well….was. I’m referring to my thinking as my “big brain” by design for I’m learning so much about how I think and the experiences from this journey. Learning from the past to change my present has always been one of my hallmark behaviors. This “lack of control” of my big brain is not my normal course but, frankly, I’m really tired. Exhausted. Tired of fighting my big brain. So, I’ve let the brain run amok, unfettered, like a horse which senses the freedom that running provides. My big brain is cascading over its retaining walls of controls that I have created over the course of my lifetime. My big brain is leading me on a variety of adventures and, you know what? My exhaustion is slowly fading with the understanding that this rambling is, for me, my normal behavior – and is OK. 

Wow. I’m OK. 

I’m doing this “big braining” on purpose – an experiment if you will – based on an “ah-ha” moment of realization….the realization that my brain may not work the same as other’s brains. Or, my “Eureka!” moment finally arrived.

My husband and I were having a tired argument of my not listening to him. I say it is tired because he always has the same complaint and my answer to him was always that I am listening to him I just can’t process what he is saying as I miss parts in my head. I cannot imagine how frustrating that may feel for him – you’ll note here that HE is my first concern, not me. (I’m a classic people pleaser.) This time, I decided to Google the terms relating to why I miss what someone says either the beginning or the ending of their statements. (I find I lose my train of thought with most people so this is not a husband/wife thing. In leadership training, this was a problem for me as well.) Usually, I find a lot about active listening: how to listen, engage, and reflect to the individual. (This may be why I write a lot about communication in this blog?) I began to read again on active listening to find that “thing” I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all. This is my normal M.O.: Find out was is wrong and fix it. The data the Google search returned was not quite correct for my situation. Further refinement was made and – Holy Moley! – I got the shock of my life: ADHD? Naaaaaaahhhhh.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Hyper? (WT proverbial F! GOOGLE! How stupid are you?) I’m not hyper and am carrying an extra 100 pounds on my frame to prove it. Yes, well, my brain is very hyperactive. Am I impulsive? No, not really…NOW. (Actually, in editing this, I must admit I am still impulsive but I’m selectively impulsive and my 100 lipsticks prove it!) I think we all have a bit of impulsiveness in us but, when the impulsivity leads us to bad situations, it becomes an issue. How about the time I spent $1,000 at 18 on skis and boots because I was going to become a downhill skier? Unfortunately, I ran out of money because I bought this all on my first credit card and used the entire credit line for the skis and boots. Bindings? Couldn’t afford them – and skis are useless without them. (Took me three years to pay that off.) My father used to joke with me that it would be cheaper for me to wash my clothing and not keep buying new. Most of the new clothes, however, would not fit long and were for a body that I did not have. I really spent money I didn’t have until I was on my own, hungry, with no money. I also got tired of ducking bill collectors. (Yes, that person was ME!) I really began to be able to save money when I met my husband who is a very good saver. My saving habit thus far had been involuntary 401K deductions for the idea of retirement and needing to fend for myself. I mirrored him on his spending and saving habits. And, because he was so good with money, I became better and began saving because I was saving for us….not just me anymore.

Mirroring is something I became very good at doing – naturally. I mirrored every boss I ever worked for until I found something that was off in them which created an issue in me. I would meltdown into goo and try to figure out what happened and how I can “fix” myself. I moved from California to New York without ever having been to New York. Why? My mentor, who I emulated, was not the person I thought and I needed a different mentor – and found a new one across the country. In this journey, however, I found I was never true to myself. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life for I wasn’t sure a choice was every presented. What was hammered into me at a very early age was that I am the only person who can take care of myself and that I needed to do whatever I could to ensure that I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and a bit of cash in the bank. Period.

Circle back to today. The ADHD possibility and my hyperfocused research in the area has stirred up some painful and long dormant memories that, when seen in an ADHD light, clearly show a pattern of an issue that would have been helped had I received proper treatment as a child. (I have family who will remain nameless who could be the poster child for ADHD and has not received ANY treatment.) My issue began at age 8 when, in fourth grade, I was caught cheating on my math homework. (I didn’t do the homework as it was boring.) I also could not organize the assignments because this teacher gave them out verbally and I did not have the ability to take this abstractly stated messaging into actionable steps; I needed help that I didn’t get. The year was 1971 and, if I wasn’t the kid running around in the class, I was not considered hyper even though my mind was out of control. I’ve since learned how to set up myself for success thinking I needed visual cues as I was a ‘visual learner’…and this path took many years of sheer grit. Using an external release ‘valve’ was also how I finally succeeded in college: On line. Lectures in college were torture – so much so that I’d rather have my teeth pulled out without anesthesia then to sit in a lecture about something I had little to no interest in. I’d fall asleep, snoring loudly. Or, I’d need to get up or would fidget by tapping my toes in my shoes. I learned that, in order to complete my college work, I would need to give into my desire to be physically active so I could distract myself and concentrate on the assignment. This physical work allowed my mind to tumble the paper and research so that I could write my paper…and always at the last minute. (I would set up strategies of how I could chunk out the tasks yet could not do what I knew would help me or make my project easier.) I also had the benefit of a clean house. (Yay for #smallwins!) I learned that I could also distract myself by eating – something salty and crunchy. The sound of the crunch and the tactileness of the salty chip allowed me to focus on reading. These worked for me and I had no idea that these are very typical of someone with ADHD.

The results of being caught cheating? I really don’t recall as I was not punished or spoken to and, up until this moment, it never occurred to be to ask why. My parents told me at that time that I was smart but lacking in social skills. (Or, I was immature – still am. LOL) I got the information correct but the teachers could not see my work. I was smart, but the details were way too confusing to me and I didn’t know how to express this. It felt like I was deficient. (I actually discovered the same trait in my professional career, too. TLDR (Too Long Didn’t Read) should be my initials.) I believe I may have been thought “willfull” in my lack of attention because I could be super-focused to the point of indistraction if I was interested…and, for heaven’s sake, don’t ever try and talk to me while having the television playing. I can guarantee you I will not be hearing you. I’ll see your mouth move, yes. I won’t, however, be able to process what you are saying to me. This has been my running joke: If you want to distract me, turn on the TV. In medical offices, I’ve learned to turn my back to the TV or I can zone out on HGTV.

What I also recall being discussed was my reading comprehension where the teacher would read and I would need to answer verbally-given questions. If she read something I liked, I was there. However, if the materials were boring or my head was particularly spacey that day, I would just go off into my own little world of dreams. The teacher became the “blah, blah, blah” so common in the Peanuts character shows. No one bothered to ask me because I was smart enough to cover this lack. I created little coping mechanisms throughout my years which helped me “deal”. I believe I was labled as “willful” and assigned special seats in class as a result of my coping. My parents were told that my problem was that THEY didn’t speak English to me at home. What I believe occured is that my parents were treated with unconscious bias because they spoke heavily accented German so my issues, my teachers surmised, were from their lack of language skills. 

What the teachers failed to “get” was that my parents DID NOT TEACH US GERMAN. Having lived through WWII Germany, they immigrated to the U.S. to give their family a better life…so they taught us English so we could be successful. My issue was that I was inattentive because my big brain couldn’t be managed – I did not yet possess those tools. I, too, blamed myself for my inability to focus but my focus – or lack of focus – was inconsistent. (That didn’t matter for this was and is still seen by me as a personal failure.) I could not make myself sit through things I thought were boring or uninteresting – even if I needed the class. I began working at 17 full time to compensate for my inability to sit in a classroom….and NO ONE NOTICED! I didn’t apply for college….had the applications but couldn’t organize them to figure things out. My IQ tested off the charts yet I went to Community College and flunked out as I could not sit in lectures and became very spacey with homework. 

The idea of ADHD brought back all of my life and things just began to click into place. All of my habits I’ve created to cope. All of my odd behaviors and the genus of these. My lack of attention let me believe I was a bad friend or partner. A personal failing or that I was a failure. I write about the really critical voice I named “Leroy” which is typical of one with ADHD. I had no idea and wrote of these things as if we all had them – and I was sharing information you may not have considered. The hypercritical thinking was diagnosed as depression, body dysmorphia, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). These may be true but there is another cause: Untreated ADHD. Yep. ALL OF IT CAN BE TIED TO THIS.

I’m seeing my doctor next week. If this is, in fact, the cause of my situation, I cannot imagine the profound difference being treated will make for me to just ease up a bit in my mind. To be able to gauge my current impact, I have begun to identify my various coping mechanisms and overthinking habits to cease them in an attempt to mentally rest. My appointment is in the afternoon and I’m considering cancelling my entire day so I don’t forget and can get there on time. This is classic ADHD behavior that, in the past, Leroy would have said I didn’t need to do that and would have corrected me. Now that Leroy is on vacation, I wonder what trouble I’m going to get into?

The moral of my story is this: Don’t rest until you get your answer and don’t judge when the answer is unexpected. This is where ADHD is a super power.

Peace.

Author’s edit: While reviewing this post, I’ve gotten up, used the restroom, put a load of laundry in the dryer, made another cup of coffee, and have returned to be able to focus. Yes, I already had laundry going when I began this post! If I’m not always simultaneously doing at least two things at once, I think I’m failing at life. Also, some progress. When I woke up this morning, I thought it was Monday and began to prepare for work. Concerned, I checked that a storm was coming in (Monday) and wondered who won the Super Bowl. ”Wasn’t that yesterday?” I thought. Hmmm….was a few moments before I realized that the game hadn’t been played as yet. Or, that it was really Sunday and not Monday. No Leroy to yell at me for getting this wrong and I’m OK just being me.