Lessons from 2021 – October or Adventures in Discipline

From the title of this post, I bet you were wondering just what I was up to in the discussion of “discipline.” Discipline in this context is more to “…the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” I emphasize the latter part of this definition because one may think that discipline and punishment are part of the same thought. (Not necessarily.)

Merriam Webster – those intrepid dictionary folks – define discipline as “…a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity…” among other definitions. However, the idea of punishment is part of the definition as a verb (i.e., disciplining a child). To exercise discipline, however, is a type of self-control. Curiously, the definition of self-control is “…restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires.” So, can a person punish themselves as part of their own self-control efforts because that is their pattern of adapting or coping? (Yes, I think so.)

I’ve been doing a lot of self-study following the work of Jim Fortin. Fortin is, among other things, a transformational psychologist. In our world today, the terms are synonymous with being a “transpersonal” psychologist. Transpersonal psychology focuses on incorporating all elements of the human experience, including one’s spirituality. Many religions have hijacked this term for their teachings, too. Transpersonal psychologists can even adopt a religious or mainstream religious theme in its teaching which, in my opinion, short changes the idea of transformation. Like, if you don’t believe my religion, you are unable to utilize the ideas of a transpersonal psychology. What a load of bullshit.

In a Googling of the term, however, the following was also offered: “Transformation, used in psychology (and New Age thought), refers to a major change or shift in an individual’s thought and/or behavior patterns. This type of change normally requires a major change in thought patterns and values.” If you’ve been paying attention, you will find the religions tend to change meanings to fit with their values and we just all go along with the change or shift. This is not happening with me because the subject is just way too complex to box into religious dogma. We are discussing actual brain science which Fortin highlights in his podcasts and training. If you are looking to change some habits or transform an area of your life, do yourself a favor and listen to Fortin.

A better definition for transformational or transpersonal psychology is found here. This site defined transpersonal psychology this way: “Transpersonal psychology is a field or school of thought in psychology centered on the spiritual aspects of human life. The term transpersonal psychology was first introduced in the 1960s by psychologists such as Abraham Maslow and Victor Frankl. This field utilizes psychological methods and theories to examine the spiritual subject matter…Transpersonal psychology is a label for a type of psychological theory that embraces a wide variety of ideas that have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the mind and behavior. Transpersonal psychology looks at the whole human experience.”

There are so many meaning to words, aren’t there? One needs to understand the context in the use of the word to truly understand its meaning. Just in the above discussion about discipline and transformation psychology, I might have just blown your mind. That is what happened with me and the idea of discipline. I’m trying to change long-standing maladaptive coping habits that I didn’t even recognize I had created as a young person. I began to understanding that my view of discipline as both restriction and punishment which caused me to run the other way from it. However, if you think of discipline as a measure of self-control, the idea of discipline without punishment is very freeing. My entire life, I have hated the idea of discipline because I had unknowingly used this idea as an opportunity to create a very negative mental feedback loop – or my own self-punishment. (Why be disciplined only to beat myself up? I’d rather just keep on keeping on.) I finally realized what was happening and, after recognizing this “go to” as something I wished to change in myself, I began to pay attention to words and situations that cause me anxiety or mental stress.

It is the “how do I fix this?” that got me on the road to understanding that we all have coping strategies, and some are just more effective than others. In any situation where change is the goal, one doesn’t need to understand the why unless the behavior is so ingrained that the brain takes over without a secondary thought or action. It has been a slow going process which in hindsight is probably for the best. Change over time tends to stick more with me than the instant flip of a switch. How do I know that this is working for me? Again, time is the teller of tales. This week was particularly stressful and scary for me having to take care of my spouse while he was laid low. In putting myself second, I made a conscious decision and there were times where my current health goals took a back seat. However, instead of using this situation as another opportunity to create a new negative loop, I became really tolerant of myself and, well, I cut myself some slack. And, I really felt that slack loosening some of my old maladaptive coping habits that have done very little for me. I created a more healthy strategy and it helped me to deal with the week. Instead of seeing the “big picture” of possibilities, I dealt with the facts of the matter and cut the problem into bite size pieces. I dealt in the now and did not assume anything so my expectations were reduced to nothing. This lack of mental expectation really allowed me to take care of business without worrying for the future…for now. I have recognized that I worry a lot about the future without realizing that I’m creating my future right now through my view in this minute. And, the next minute. Good habits become good over time and repetition. Yes, it is the old saying of wash, rinse, and repeat. Just make sure you have some good “shampoo” that feeds your head in a positive way.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – August or Executing On An Idea

I develop my “Lessons for the Month of…” post ideas from the month that just passed. Usually, after I finish a blog post, I’m mentally drained. That is a good time to just “tune in” to my inner self and think about what I’d like to write about for the next month. The blog post begins at that point with my writing the title, a few sentences of my idea for that month, and then I let it “stew” for a bit until I’m ready to write. What is fascinating to me is how much the topic correlates to actual events in my life, like I had planned the event to support my blog post idea! And, the realization hit me this morning: I’ve been executing on my ideas all month and see the accomplishment. (BTW, as I edit this, there is a loud snoring coming from my dog who graces me with his presence today. It is a comforting sound to hear a creature so trusting that he sleeps soundly on the floor next to me. I’m enjoying my present today. ❤ )

Here are the notes I wrote to myself last month: “Write about how important an idea is, and that one must “execute” the idea because an idea without execution is just a dream. Make your dream a reality through planning, planner peace.” Well, Dear Reader, once I put my idea in storage for the month, I usually let the idea go to either root for further examination in the following month, or to totally get dumped with a new and emerging idea or event. I have given myself the ability to pivot whenever I feel the creative juices flow in a different direction. Funnily enough, however, I’ve never done the latter and just scrapped an idea for my ideas have always had some kernel or nugget of truth in the month that just passed. Isn’t that interesting? Anyway, I had planned to discuss the importance of acting on an idea and that is just what I’m doing these days and, to my surprise, it feels great!

In my notes, I mention “planner peace” which many of you may not relate to this, or be familiar with the term. (For me, this is a key tool to anchor me in my thinking.) For those of us who enjoy all things productivity, planner peace is like a type of Nirvana. For those uninitiated, planner peace is defined as “…When you find the perfect system and style….w(h)ere every planner wants to be. There are many options to consider – size, functionality, style and much more.” Planner peace is something I’ve strived for each day – trying to be better and accomplish everything in my heart’s desire, all rolled up into a paper journal or organization system. I’ve recently found this planner peace in my life but not in the way you may think. After years of videos, different planning styles, using “Frankenplanners” which are combinations of multiple systems, studying technology for productivity, and everything in between, I realized that nothing works if you don’t use it — which kept happening to me. I felt like a personal failure each time I failed. Then, I watched a Skillshare course on “Planner Peace” by this instructor who is so inspiring to me. Rather than beating myself up over yet another failure, I began to accept that this try did not work – AND it was only a try so rather than wallow, why not assess what worked and what failed…. and why, and gave myself a bit of tolerance to try again. (Not my normal M.O.) In doing so, I realized that I loved writing things down but not everything, that I wanted something that was pretty and made me happy (sorry, plain paper), and that I could also add my own flair – if I wanted to. I settled on a Happy Planner for my pretty needs, a horizontal layout which gives me just enough room for what I want to record, and stickers for little notes and to add some bling. I can be found adding stickers to my planner during long meetings where I’m in listen only mode. I found that if I’m busy with my hands, I can listen a bit better, too, as I’m not mentally distracted from the subject matter. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), after this month of endless meetings, my planner is decorated all the way through October! (And, having this all set up makes me so happy!)

And, speaking of endless meetings, I also began to write down my One Thing each day in the different areas of my life that are – right now – extremely important and part of my focus. They are: personal, home and work. That is it, folks. Three One Things done each day for me to feel like the day was a success. And, that, right there is the key: Feeling like a success. While my planner for this month really shows how busy I was, the colors, notes, and stickers really enforced that I am busy, and that I was able to really “level up” these areas of my life through this extreme focus. My house is clean, my work is caught up, and I have found such a great new You Tube inspiration that I’m not willing to share…yet. Throughout the month on a few too many days my One Thing was “meetings” which, in the past, I never accounted for. However, when you have ten meetings in an eight-hour day, “meetings” become a work task. (I never recorded my meetings as a “task” before, always wondering why I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything that day. When you think about the schedule, it’s a wonder I even had lunch!) I also stopped deliberately multi-tasking during these meetings by focusing on other work that needs to get done; adding stickers to my planner doesn’t require a lot of thought so my attention can be directed to the meeting and not what I’m not accomplishing by sitting in “listen only” mode. I also recognized that the idea of multi-tasking is not a healthy mindset for me. I mentally benefit from the ability to focus on my One Thing, complete my tasks, and then, if I have time, add any additional work or chores. To try and be or do so many things at once dishonors myself and the work, too, for it cannot be my best work.

This realization allowed me to really use my planner in a more productive way; a tool that helps me to mind the future and today. Anything related to the past is documented and I can easily go back to view that, too, so the past is in my mental past, too. Keeping my mind in focus for “today” has been a struggle as I tend to live my life in a future mindset. I’ve realized that I haven’t always been happiest in the present moment, living with a mindset of “In the Meantime“….like I’ll do this right now because future me will want something else when X happens. Well, folks, X ain’t coming any time soon so why not enjoy right now, give it all you got, and let X take care of itself? I defer many times to “future living” which I plan to write a series about (How ironic!). “Future Living” is my term for my mindset each day and how I can sometimes be so focused on tomorrow that I miss out on today. (Do you do this?) I, unknowingly, compromise today for the idea that tomorrow brings something better. In the planner world, however, we can be about the future — recording appointments, goals, birthdays…you name it! However, if you aren’t also recording the “today”, you may not act on any of those wonderful goals you have written in your planner because there was no action plan. I improperly used my planner as I had no “action plan” for today to reach those goals; I only recorded future events and goals and failed to construct the steps needed to reach (Key pro-tip, folks!) those future goals through changing my today. (Enjoy this TedTalk on the gap between planning and execution.) Because of the lack of planning for “today”, I did not open my planner each day and missed being able to execute on my long term goal through a short term activity for today. So, by finding my Planner Peace, and allowing myself to fail a few times, I’ve actually been more productive! Now, as I look back at July, I don’t dwell in what I didn’t accomplish because I can see by all of my entries, my color coding, stickers, and post its — I was damn busy! By creating a daily plan with my One Thing identified, I can do these small incremental tasks to achieve the larger goal. Because I’ve taken the time for myself each day, I don’t worry about what I didn’t do (past) or what I have to do (future) because today is where my head is at and my action plan for today says “Begin Wobble (August) post.” And, there it is. Check. Peace.

(Note: As I edit this post, it is August 29th and I wrote it a few weeks ago when inspired. Since then, I failed to properly plan each day and fell into old comfortable habits of letting my email dictate my priorities. I’m editing this feeling a bit uninspired and lethargic. The inspiration in my post renews my faith that, in all things, today ain’t no guarantee. Be okay in the struggle for, in it, comes a diamond of an outcome. I’ve added a new link of a TedTalk about filling the gap between having a plan and executing on said plan.)

Lessons from 2021 – July or How Clutter Impacts Our Thinking

At my office, I have the cleanest desk. It is so clean that people remark about how organized I appear to be. (LOL) The surface of my desk has work equipment (laptop, keyboard), phone, stapler, pens, and my paper calendar. That’s it. Anything else is put away in a drawer or cabinet so the effect is a pretty clean desk. I find myself really productive in my office except, of course, when interrupted by a person or task. Since I’ve been working from home and using my home office, I’ve been unable to create this same feeling. My home office desk is cluttered with these items plus all of my art supplies, paper, files, and just a bunch of things that have no real home space. When sitting at my desk now, I feel a bit overwhelmed and unable to really think clearly. The contrast between my home office and my work office – and the level of organization – came to my attention as something needing sorting.

I began to focus on the idea of minimalism, its roots, and why some people really like this style of living. (The link is a very good explanation of a new channel I found in writing this post. I plan to check out more of her work. She couples minimalism and intention which, IMHO, is extremely important.) I began to wonder what benefits I might achieve with a “less” mindset? Will this impact my intentional thinking about myself, my goals, and dreams if I don’t feel so overwhelmed by my “things” and have a “less is more” mindset?

In the beginning of the Pandemic, I began to rethink my office set up at home to be more like my work set up: streamlined and minimalist. While my home office served me well when I used the office sporadically, working in the space full time began to create a level of discomfort that I correlated to having a messy desk. To make my home office similar to my official office, however, is a much more daunting task because the items in my home office have no where else to live. It’s not like I have all of my art supplies at my desk at work. In order to make my home office more comfortable, I almost need to reset my entire house because cleaning and organizing one space creates havoc in other areas of the house. (EDIT: Let me be completely honest with you…and myself… about my Pandemic mindset which began fueling this desire to streamline my stuff. I thought that, if I died, I did not want anyone to have to sift through my “things”. This was something I wanted to do. That realization made me see all of my “collections” in a very different way – more like a burden than an achievement. I also realized that I’d prefer to spend my money on “experiences” and not “things” so getting rid of my “things” really began to weigh on me. More on that another time.)

To help me better address this claustrophobic feeling in my office space and how to best handle the overwhelm, I began a household “review” of my space, any unused space, and how best to feel less overwhelmed by my stuff. Now, I don’t have a lot of stuff but what I do have is really unorganized and, frankly, overwhelming. To experiment, I began to review my china cabinet and take an unsentimental assessment of my “things.” I found that I owned over 40 different wine glasses for a person who does not drink wine. These glasses have been unused in my cabinet for the past 20 years and have been screaming (OK, not literally) at me to use them. What I “heard” was this: “I am made for celebrations and parties, not for display!” Glassware has a usefulness so I have always felt okay with collecting it. However, my wine goblets and pretty crystal stemware were not being used for their intended purpose. I decided to “rehome” most of them by donating most to my local Habitat for Humanity for resale. I really believe these glasses were almost happy to be able to grace someone else’s home/table. Feeling better, I added two platters that were unused (I have three left), two over-sized crystal vases, and some gently-used plastic cake/cupcake carriers. Immediately, I felt like the energy in my dining room eased a bit: I felt really good about the donation and I realized that there was a bit more air for breathing. On a roll, I removed a wall hanging from one of my walls in our foyer adjacent to the dining room that I had purchased on a whim and never quite liked. In its place, I put an older art piece where I liked the aesthetic of the dark frame on a light wall. I find myself drawn to that area of the house now because the aesthetic pleases me because the air feels lighter. Wow.

I began to wonder why that is? How can the excess and free space impact me so immediately? I realized through my studies that “things” all have energy and operate at different levels of vibration. Or, the science of physics. (I call it ‘thing energy’ as opposed to ‘people energy’. How original, right?) Some of us are more sensitive to ‘thing energy’ than others; some people can actually feel the vibrations of someone who may have owned the object at one time. The latter situation is called psychometry which is not my issue for I don’t feel that so keenly and individually. It is the energy (vibration, maybe?) of the collection of a lot of objects that feels like a wave of something that hits me square in the chest, and makes it difficult to breathe. Like, I don’t have enough space to find the air in the room. I’ve always felt “thing energy” quite keenly and am just realizing that my desire for an echoing room is to give myself more creativity and openness. When I go into a crowded grocery store, I feel overwhelmed by the “stuff;” the same is true in a crowded Department store or anywhere there is a large accumulation of stuff. I quickly leave the space, feeling claustrophobic and just a sense of overwhelm. I noticed that I feel a bit like that in my office space, too, which has lead me to really take a critical look at the lack of organization in my office and the idea of the reset was born.

In my experiment and with a mind to my planned office reset, I began to wonder if having my things organized – or put away – tempers the feeling. Like, if I did not have a china cabinet with glass doors but a buffet with solid wood doors, would the feeling be different because I could not visually “see” all of my things? Hmmm. I’m not sure. However, I am going to try an experiment this week on resetting my home office to see if removing and organizing my personal clutter will help me to be more creative and have less stress sitting at my desk. I plan to remove all of the stuff in my office: desks, computers, chairs, printers, etc. and then place these back with a little more thought as to my desired minimalist aesthetic and concentrating on storage/organization with the goal of a clean desk. I’d also like to create an area where I do my “work” and an area where I can be “creative.” Right now, I see these as two distinctly different areas in my room; I wonder if I can change that based on removing or rearranging my stuff. I’ve decided to also follow this particular YouTuber’s tips; her videos and delivery inspired me to also follow these guidelines. I’m a new subscriber to her channel and look forward to learning more. Here are some of her tips that I plan to follow:

1.) Figure out how much time you have and how much time it will take.

I’ve taken a week off of work so that I can separate this into some very doable tasks. My first task will be to remove everything from the surface that is not heavy furniture. This includes mail, inboxes, books, pen holders/containers, books (there are a lot of them!), and computer bags and accessories. In applying the four principles, however, I realized that in order for me to apply #2, below, I need to begin in my guest bedroom to ensure that I have sufficient ability to clear out my office. (Right now, my guest bedroom closet is spilling out onto the floor. It is filled with old formal wear that no longer fits, concert t-shirts from the 80s, empty hangers, and all of my holiday decorations. It is time to clear that close because if my green blazer ever fit again, the shoulder pads would rival Joan Collins’ best day and, frankly, I’d never wear the jacket anyway unless it was Halloween and I was revisiting 40 years of history.) Yes, my personal clutter has gotten so bad that in order to clear out an entire room of my house, I need to clear a place to put the stuff out of the way.) So, before I can even work on the office, I plan to de-clutter my guest bedroom closet first which, having done my own closet years ago, should be relatively straight-forward. Once my guest bedroom closet is straightened up, I plan to then begin my office de-clutter. (Now you know why I planned a full week for this.)

As I put things back into the office, I will then consider if I want to keep the item, addressing what purpose the item serves, and ensuring everything has its own place. If the item does not have a place, then it is not needed and will be thanked for its service, and discarded or donated. This allows me to get the office down to the walls and carpeting, and really get a feel for the office while also honoring the vibration of my “things.”

2.) Minimize distractions.

This will be difficult for me because moving and decluttering create their own “rabbit holes” of memories. I like Nourishing Mom‘s idea of the “to put away” box which helps to keep me focused on the task and not going into another room to then work in that room. However, because I realized that I will need to make room in my guest bedroom to temporarily move things from the study, I’ll need to separate this into two projects because I will find myself overwhelmed with now having two rooms to declutter. I’m already expecting that I will need to purchase cabinets and/or organizational tools to help me better place my things. Before I just go out willy-nilly to purchase something, I want to be really sure on where it is, what it is, and how I will use it. (See #4.)

3) Its going to take more than one pass.

I totally agree with the idea that both my guest bedroom closet and my office will need a few passes of critical assessment because after a while of making the hard decisions to relieve one of clutter, I can and do become a bit more emotional. In the cleaning of my personal closet, it has taken me quite a few passes and, unfortunately, I did not pay attention to tip #4 below and have created a new mess for myself in my closet. My closet organization is not as bad as before but can get there if I don’t soon intervene.

4) Avoid recreational shopping.

I realize now that I shopped out of boredom or wanting a new experience of buying a thing. What I was looking for was a panacea of sorts, a relief from my mental burden where I stifled my creativity. This is a lesson from the Pandemic that I’ve learned and wish to correct. I used to enjoy shopping and would purchase anything I wanted because I could – even if I really couldn’t. This created a poor habit of addressing my own mental discomfort through the purchase of a new dress or lipstick instead of addressing the real source of my unrest. My shopping over the past 18 months has become very specific because a weekly excursion to the mall just wasn’t part of anyone’s plan. The allowed me to see just how I’ve “coped” throughout my life, and be able to feel better by addressing the real issue.

That’s the plan for my office reset or starting over. In researching the “how to” of my project, I found Joshua Becker’s channel quite helpful, too, and found that I already do many of his tips in this video. This made me feel a bit better about my starting point and helped me to see that I can continue to improve. I’m very curious to see that, if after I’ve completed my project, if I’ll feel different about sitting in the space, or if I’ll need to move my office into my foyer! I’m intrigued because of the idea that we are all energy fields that can be manipulated, including objects that would appear to be solid. Every object in our world vibrates at different rates which creates their form. There are millions of possibilities depending on the object, placement, temperature…the combinations are endless and miraculous, aren’t they? When you think about the world at large, with all of the people, places, and things, the world is vibrating all around us. How can you not feel overwhelmed at times? Wishing you peace this July 4th.

[EDIT: And, as if the world is blessing this post, one of my favorite O.G. YouTubers, Renee Amberg, just posted this video. I love Renee’s videos as they show her transitions and struggles which make me feel less alone in my own journey. She discusses all things very honestly, openly and does not sugar-coat her experiences. Definitely worth the watch just for the inspiration alone.]

Keto Update: For those of you keeping up with all things Keto, I’m still doing well. Seeing some improvement on my psoriasis and my weight is stable. It is going up and down since my carbohydrate restriction isn’t as low as I’d like it to be. I’m under 100 carbs a day – usually around 50. This works for my “right now” time as I continue to adjust. I’m learning that there are some foods, while lower in carbohydrates, are not good for me to have in the house. Dr. Atkin’s bars are something other worldly delicious and I’m not to be trusted with them. Yet. In all things, there is progress.

Lessons from 2021 – June or How a Changed Perspective Matters

Warning: this post discusses body image issues, treatment, and experiences. If this is a triggering discussion for you, please move on from this post. Always seek medical guidance from a professional following the best guidance from your physician. Be smart.

Last month, I discussed quite openly my own personal struggles with body dysmorphia and my weight. In this post, I also discussed something called fat bias which is defined as “… the prejudicial assumption of personality characteristics based on an assessment of a person as being overweight or obese.” This definition also had the term fat phobia which one study defined as “… a pathological fear of fatness.” I described how my unconscious fat bias was at the center of insufficient medical treatment and resulted in my own spiral of depression and psychologically-disordered thinking; I, too, was fat-biased against myself. My own personal negative thinking was out of control and virtually undetectable except in bitter self-talk that was so ingrained, this talk “looped” into my own pattern of thinking…and to what I now realize is a heightened sense of shame.

What I did not touch on was how prevalent bias is how it impacted my own sense of self. Apparently, based on this study, affiliated with Yale University’s Department of Psychology professionals, this is not an unusual situation. The study states that, for “…although the strength of weight bias decreased as respondents’ body weight increased, a significant degree of anti-fat bias was still evident among even the most obese group of respondents, highlighting the pervasiveness of this bias.” This level of bias is rampant in our society because people don’t want to be fat and would actually give up a year of their life or divorce their partner to avoid being overweight. I inherently knew this, having been fat since I was born at 9+ pounds. I endured these feelings as a young child and teenager until I adopted them about myself. The feeling of separateness went away after that because I had adapted my own perspective to them so they assimilated into my own personal perspective of self. What an unfortunate event to join! To see this in writing, in a scientific study, just plain scared me into a better perspective…for myself. This is the reason I’m sharing this thinking in these posts that, hopefully, it may also help you, Dear Reader.

In my journey to form a better opinion of myself by myself, I recently found a YouTube channel from an brave and inspiring young woman who is recovering from anorexia nervosa which, one might think, is the total opposite of being obese. However, I found that her honest struggle discussion took on a decidedly similar tone to some of my own thinking relating to body image issues. How interesting a correlation yet no one really discusses that both of these psychological disorders seem to be two sides of the same coin. So that we are all on the same page, I wanted to review what is meant by “body dysmorphia” or “body dysmorphic disorder.” Body dysmorphic disorder is defined by this study as “…a distressing and impairing preoccupation with an imagined or slight defect in appearance.” The study continues to provide greater context on this disorder by noting that “…recent research findings indicate that body dysmorphic disorder is relatively common, causes notable distress and impairment in functioning, and is associated with markedly poor quality of life.” Oh, hallelujah.

My treatment was medical intervention on my 30th birthday. That fact was not random for I decided that I was not going to repeat my errors thus far and I wanted a better and improved life…which included drug treatment. This short-term treatment and diagnoses gave me the decided mental boost I needed sufficient for me to realize that I no longer needed to feel the way I did. I did not, however, have much formal cognitive-behavioral therapy and sought this out on my own, in my own timing, and at my own pace. That is how we arrived at this point in my life, decades later. Now, how do I sum this all up into a simple statement?

Unconscious self-bias matters.

In doing my research for this post – mostly to help myself find a sense of balance in this important topic- I’ve found this article in the New York Times which includes information from Dr. Rebecca M. Puhl and colleagues at the University of Connecticut, Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity – the study is also linked below:

Stigmatization is associated with more frequent binge eating and other “maladaptive eating patterns,” Dr. Puhl reported in a comprehensive review of the subject in the American Journal of Public Health. “In a study of more than 2,400 overweight and obese women who belonged to a weight loss support organization,” she wrote, “79 percent reported coping with weight stigma on multiple occasions by eating more food, and 75 percent reported coping by refusing to diet.”

Furthermore, experiencing weight stigma can result in a poor self-image, depression and stress that in turn increase the risk of poor eating habits and difficulty losing weight and keeping it off. People can internalize weight stigma, blaming themselves for their excess weight and the social discrimination they experience.

Dr. Puhl’s study along with other studies also concluded that “…overweight and obese people who experience weight-based bias and who manage to lose weight are less able to maintain their weight loss.” So, despite all odds, you successfully remove your excess weight and now are against the odds for maintaining said weight loss. So, how does one get help for this disorder? Personally, I found very little help from my doctors and therapists whose guidance was always, exercise more, restrict your food intake, and be happier. Really? What is shocking is how bad this guidance is because wouldn’t any reasonable person think that, if I could do this, I would do this? Does my doctor or therapist really think I like being obese? If you’d taken the time to actually pay attention to me, you’d realize that I’m a highly intelligent and educated woman who is struggling. There was another answer for me and I couldn’t find a decent medical professional to actually help me.

Well, that, apparently, should not have been a surprise to me. In an article from the American Psychological Association, January 2004, Vol 35, No. 1, the following quote under “hidden bias” really helped me to see that the lack of proper medical treatment was not my fault. While I knew that there was an inherent bias, I had no idea how prevalent this bias really was in our society. Check THIS data – I’ve added the bold words for emphasis:

Particularly alarming are findings that even specialists in obesity fall prey to negative associations when working with obese patients. For example, a recent study found that even health professionals–including psychologists–who specialize in obesity often used words such as “lazy,” “stupid” and “worthless” to describe obese people they come into contact with in their personal and professional lives, according to a September 2003 study published in Obesity Research (Vol. 11, No. 9) by Marlene B. Schwartz, PhD, Heather O’Neal Chambliss, PhD, Kelly Brownell, PhD, Steven N. Blair and Charles Billington, MD. The researchers used a self-report questionnaire and the Implicit Associations Test–a timed measure to test automatic biases–to assess the attitudes of clinicians and researchers who work with obese patients.

Wow.

So, let’s get down to the “brass tacks” of this issue. People could suffer bias for their size their entire life, creating their own sense of self-bias, only to seek help from someone who also has this bias? That’s right, folks. Chilling, isn’t it? Given this is such a prevalent bias in our society, how likely is it that one may find a counselor without said bias? I’d argue that this is highly unlikely and to the detriment of the individual who is may be truly suffering both mentally and physically.

Another study actually measured the impact of weight bias and stigma on quality of care and outcomes for patients with obesity. [I know this because this is the exact name of the study.]

Many healthcare providers hold strong negative attitudes and stereotypes about people with obesity. There is considerable evidence that such attitudes influence person-perceptions, judgment, interpersonal behavior and decision-making. These attitudes may impact the care they provide. Experiences of or expectations for poor treatment may cause stress and avoidance of care, mistrust of doctors and poor adherence among patients with obesity. Stigma can reduce the quality of care for patients with obesity despite the best intentions of healthcare providers to provide high-quality care.

I’m just going to leave this right there. I had another study to highlight about this and realized that there is such a wealth of data out there to support this that all you, Dear Reader, need to do is “Google” “fat bias” and see what you find.

So, now that you are educated in this area, why don’t you examine if you, too, have a fat bias? If you struggle with your weight, honestly consider if a fat bias is preventing you you from realizing your own goals. How might decades of ingrained thinking be impacting you? Are you looking for that magic pill to fix your situation? (Don’t, there isn’t one.) Be kind with yourself and accept that we are all trying our best and that you are a product of your environment and perceptions, self including. It is my hope that this information helps you to fight for what you need and to not let someone else’s – or your own – bias prevent you from living the life you were meant to live. Peace.

UPDATE: From May, I indicated I was going to begin a low carbohydrate way of eating to help my own health. I began slowly by substituting my breakfast with a more “ketogenic” style of eating. After two weeks, I began to incorporate my lunches in a similar style. While not fully ketogenic, I was eating a reduced amount of sugar and simple carbohydrate and saw some immediate positive results. I noted my psoraisis is less-inflamed and its spreading seems to be lessened, my moods and focus improved. I began my full ketogenic diet on June 1, 2020, and have kept to between 20-60 grams of “net” carbohydrates in any day. My mental fogginess has really lessened and my depression eased. My mood is much better and I think I’m laughing a bit more. I’m enjoying the experience and am excited to see where this journey to renewed health is taking me. This fact is extremely important to me.

Lessons from 2021 – April or The Alchemy of Living

Disclaimer right up front: I’m a fan of Anita Moorjani’s work, and being up front of my “conscious” bias is important to me…so that you have all of the contextual information needed to assess my own viewpoint. It’s called walking in someone else’s shoes or – in this case – wobbling in someone else’s skates. If you want more information about Moorjani’s work, please click here. Moorjani’s compelling TedTalk can be found here. Her books can be found in your local bookstore or through an on-line retailer.

I used to love skating as a young girl. We had a lot of hills in my neighborhood that would give me a bit of a challenge, and many tree droppings that could trip me up. I used to love skating until I fell down. Then, I hated skating. While tending to my various mental and physical injuries, the pain of the fall and assorted humiliation would fade from my conscious yet a part of the experience remained in my subconscious. Once the event was put into my subconscious, I would spot my skates in my closet, remember how much I loved skating, and would “saddle up” once again, willing to make the effort for the payoff was worth the risk.

Wash, rinse, repeat. The cycle continued until I no longer enjoyed falling down as part of my skating effort, or I was unwilling to risk my physical and mental injuries caused by an accidental fall. Note I said I was unwilling to take the risk. Was this a conscious decision on my part? Nope. Just woke up one day and said, yep, I’m done with falling down. I began to see my falling down as extremely tiresome and, well, painful, and alchemized the desire to not fall down to result in my desire to stop roller skating. The scars of falling down, however, have lived in me for many decades. I have a fear of falling and – up until recently – a fear of humiliation or disappointing my parents. Skating, you ask? Yep. This fear doesn’t necessarily stem from skating but from how I handled the falls and resulting mental anxiety from the idea of falling. This became a personal filter for me, along with many other filters from living life.

In Moorjani’s new book called Sensitive is the New Strong: The Power of Empaths in an Increasingly Harsh World, she mentions the idea of filters in how we view our lives. “Although we can’t control what happened to us in childhood, as adults we still seem to carry that baggage with us, often without realizing it.” Moorjani continues: “We still view the world through that same old lens that no longer applies! We may thing we’re seeing the truth, but actually we’re viewing the world through our own filters.” (Page 124) I believe that these filters cause us to operate at a certain frequency or vibration – or an energy. The idea of energy has intrigued me for my entire life. (For years, I’ve pondered the question of what makes my heart continue to beat.) Those types of introspection were common for me. I also used to wonder how and why people see things so differently when we all see the same event. Isn’t that fascinating? Take being a witness to a crime. In obtaining the witness’ recollection of the crime or event, each witness will respond very differently, even down to the description of the individual. How does THAT happen? It really boils downs to what we pay attention to and how mentally attuned we are to the situation. If you know that you are in the middle of some event where you may need to recollection the activities of said event, you pay attention. Just like in school, when you know if have a test and haven’t studied, you may pay more attention. It is attention management that is really key in both of these situations, and, frankly, in how we live our lives.

Filters – as Moorjani calls them – are what I have referred to in my past writings as “lenses” with which we focus on what is important to us. (Moorjani used the term “lense,” too!) I believe that these filters impact our ability to pay attention, too. Moorjani states that “We’ve been conditioned to believe that our perception of external reality is the real world, and that our internal conditions are merely responding to what’s happening on the outside; whereas in actuality, it’s the other way around.” EXACTLY!! Then, if we have an filter that is unknown and, therefore, unexplored, and we operate within a construct of that filter, our viewpoint will be different. This is considered a type of unconscious bias towards one’s self. The idea of unconscious bias is very topical in conversations surrounding race and prejudice. (If you don’t understand what I mean by the term unconscious bias, please click the link. This link has a very good explanation.)

Our filters create an unconscious response that continues to perpetuate the filter, or we are creating our own stories. All the time. I don’t even listen when I’m in the middle of creating my own filtered story because I was operating in a world where my filter was my reality. In trying to always multi-task, I’m giving those filters a lot of room for expansion because I never set my attention on something long enough to even identify my personal filters. (Yuck!) Remember, too, that everyone has their own filters. This is why listening with an open heart (no judgment) is essential in communication. We cannot know what filters anyone else has yet we are at the benefit – or mercy – of their response.

Now, Dear Reader, you may wonder where the idea of alchemy comes into play in this discussion. Many times, we’ve heard the term “alchemy” and believe it applies to the Victorian era. In fact, the number one definition on the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the term “alchemy” as “…a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of the base metals into gold, the discovery of a universal cure for disease, and the discovery of a means of indefinitely prolonging life.” Pretty impressive if done, no? Like, can I take my brass napkin rings and transmute them into a gold necklace? (Wouldn’t THAT be something?) It is the second and third definitions to which I refer in my use of “alchemy.” Alchemy is “…a power or process that changes or transforms something in a mysterious or impressive way” or “an inexplicable or mysterious transmuting.” Transmuting is exactly what you think it is: to change or alter in form, appearance, or nature and especially to a higher form. Or, in other words, it is taking something base and creating greatness. That, Dear Reader, I believe is our life’s purpose: Taking something mundane or minor and creating greatness. Greatness, however, is a judgment and may not have the same definition for each of us as individuals. I like to term this as my own “personal alchemy” or how I made myself better than my base metal construction of yesterday.

If life is energy, and we’ve created the daily distractions out of a sense of confusion, how can we fix this? That doesn’t mean we quit our jobs and go on an adventure. Many times, our jobs bring those adventures to us, for our benefit, while we are working in the factory line, or in the office with cubicles, or outdoors. There are many ways to have an adventure. Right now, I have a tick bite on my leg that I’m watching and trying to decide if I need medical attention. I envision that it will give me an adventure, just like my cancer or other life events. Not all alchemy needs to be negative; the positive is also a learning experience. How do you alchemize your positive experiences? I believe it is my passion or greater intuition that creates the opportunity for alchemizing myself into gold. We are all gold just as we are but may not believe that because we’ve actually alchemized our living experiences through the brain’s filtration system and came out with the wrong answer. The idea of disappointing my parents is a filter that is realized by my skating but also comes through in very different ways, too. This single filter is huge and has impacted – or alchemized – my life experiences.

What is your filter, and how does it impact the alchemy of living? Learning this, Dear Reader, will teach you about your own personal energy, and how to live in a vibrational world with a greater sense of happiness. Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – January

This is a new series I will be starting as a reflection of the month that just passed. I do so much living in my head with all of my best and worst memories keeping me company. Instead of just keeping them all company myself, you, Dear Reader, will be pleased to hear that I would prefer to leave the past back in my rear view mirror. Like many of you, we can do so much living in our memories that these experiences color our perspective of today. Today cannot be compared to anything: past or future. Sort of like, living in the present without the noose of the past, looking forward to what will be. (I highly recommend it.)

We made it through the first month of 2021 and many of us are already writing the year off and wishing for 2022 already. During the first week of January – January 6th precisely – an attempted “coup d’état” or a “coup” for short was had on the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, D.C. For those of you who don’t believe that the definition applies, check the dictionary at the link to the word. I’ll wait until you come back.

This “coup” was beyond a shadow of a doubt instigated by the sitting “president” of our country. I quote the title because I’ve never seen less presidential behavior and we’ve gone through the gamut of behaviors. The lesson, however, has been a deep one for me on how to handle adversity or disagreements – and what NOT to do. Many times, this lesson of what not to do is actually more important than following someone’s example. This realization gives one a viewpoint of the choice we all have during these moments of extreme emotion; a bit of a “step back” to really “see” the situation without emotions or without a “dog in the race” so to speak. I think that “stepping back” is my mantra for 2021. The examination of life, today, versus what life was like at any past time is a comparison. There are no emotions in the comparison if one just observes as if from the heavens, or “above it all.” (I like that saying because it just is a different perspective. If you think that the term “above it all” is triggering, that may be something you can examine to help you.

If we accept that what is in our “present” moment is truly all we can expect of ourselves, and that all is okay, how does that make you feel? Better? Worse? There is no right or wrong answer with feelings for they are just little tidbit indicators to us on our perspective. It is the higher expectations that cannot be fulfilled that can create a feeling of defeat…or help me to adjust my expectations to something that feels better. If you feel a sense of frustration, that is a cue to stop and examine why. Frustration is our own internal barometer of our expectations. Many of us feel frustrated as a response to something unknown or uncomfortable. Our frustration, however, can be based on the expecation of our own personal performance…or a perception of a lack of performance. We can see this in almost every aspect of life and we’ve never really been taught how to handle frustration in a constructive manner. Work, play…it is always there.

Take my goal setting, circa 2020. Last year, I began my normal “Cultivate What Matters” exercise. I’ve found this tool extremely helpful in the past two years. However, for 2020, everything just fell apart by March and my life was and continues to be barely recognizable to what was in February 2020. My lack of control for anything really pressed me so much so that my “Cultivate What Matters” effort became very basic: Survival. In March, I had planned to visit my family in Florida and, now, it has been almost two years since I’ve seen my mother and sister. (The thought brings me to tears as I write this.) I have also been unable to see any of my husband’s family as they are over two hours away and the journey would require that we stop for a bathroom break which may be unavailable. Then, we’d only be able to look at each other and the feeling of wanting a hug or touch would be overwhelming. All of my relationships, friendships, and any plans I may have had were flushed down the toilet by the beginning of April 2020.

Boy, was I frustrated which resulted in a spiral of depression. I realized about September – yes, I ruminated that long – that I can dwell on what I cannot change, become miserable and a crying blob, or I can focus on what is: The choice is mine. Either is OK and each just gives me different living experiences. Not good, not bad; these are valuations or judgments. The experience is just different. Last year, I chose the totally scrap my CWM and figure the BIG PICTURE of just how to survive. Setting goals like finding an exercise class or art class were out if the gyms are shuttered and art classes cancelled. Rather than crying over the spilled milk, I cleaned up the spill and poured another glass. Done. What I’ve learned from the experience has helped me to grow in new ways – ways that I would have never been able to access pre-Pandemic. I’ve been able to peel back the “onion” of my life with each layer resulting in my returning to memories for comfort. In that rumination, I’ve been able to correct some judgments and to learn from the experiences as an adult.

During this process, I recognized that I had absolutely and unequivocably no control over anything outside of my response or reaction to life and living. How I viewed the situation – or my perspective of the situation – would create the feeling of that situation for me in my world, today. My past experiences created judgments in me that I applied to the current day so, in effect, my life in the present was based on the judgments of my past. If my judgments were “off” as, I imagine, is quite common with children having more “adult” experiences, how would these judgments impact my perspective for today’s world? Dear Reader, it is simply this: I found I was using my prior experience to judge today and I was creating limitations for myself on what I thought was the limit – and not the true limit – for there are no limits except those that we assert on ourselves.

For a survival situation, the ability to make a quick and correct decision may be the difference between life or death. Deciding on a can of vegetables in the grocery store clearly is not “life or death” unless one is in The Last of Us, Part II, of course were a can of peas is a Godsend. (Oh, such a great game, too! Don’t get me started. ) I’m seeing more clearly and I use my own self perception a bit differently. Yes, I said “Use my own self” because I’ve realized that there is a lot more to me than this carbon based lifeform I currently occupy. Resourceful ways. Exciting ways. It is how we think of things that determines our perception. Period.

Let me give you a real life example and you tell me which mental construct “feels” better to you.

Toby - with his favorite toys — Photo taken by Author

This is my dog, Toby. He was adopted from a rescue shelter about eleven years ago. He is 12-1/2 and is in good health. There were a few points, though, where he almost died due to a genetic disposition to make bladder stones. This happens in some Dalmatians, and Toby is one of these dogs. We were twice given a choice: Surgery or die. This was very traumatic for us as he is our baby and, like all animal parents, you feel like this little animal, who trusts you and depends on you, is relying on your decision-making skills. His eating habits are very odd because of complications from these surgeries which resulted in poorly managed stomach acid during the his first surgery that scarred his esophagus making eating solid foods very difficult. His esophagus narrowed so he is now on a mushy or liquid diet which takes some preparation. This will probably be for the rest of his life. It took us years to realize this because he cannot tell us what is happening! Poor thing. He is doing better and has a very strict diet that involves liquidizing or grinding his meals. Given my work schedule and commute, my husband had the chore of feeding Toby twice a day and to give him his medicines to help manage the stomach acid. With my working full-time at home now, I have taken over feeding him breakfast and his early morning medications, which is probably one of the highlights of my day. Why?

It wasn’t always like this. Due to the preparation, feeding Toby felt like a burden. As I was preparing his breakfast one morning and felt that feeling of negativity – the burden – wash into me, I asked myself a question: Is feeding Toby really a burden? Or, are you just used to feeling that way when you have something that is difficult to do? That also got me thinking about the different energies and how a burden feels as opposed to a privilege. Does my negative energy drift into the food I was preparing for my loyal and trusting canine? Oh, the thought of that really made me stop and realize that I get the opportunity to care for this little creature whose big brown eyes look at me in patient anticipation. How could I ever think my sweet boy was a burden for me? I began to see my feeding him as the privilege it is – many people would have not been able to care for him. He (and us) were so lucky to have him in our lives. We have not had a proper vacation in many years as our boy cannot be boarded with such serious medical issues. And, do you know something, both my husband and I believe ourselves blessed to care for him.

Perspective – in our news and our lives – is so important to maintain. When something doesn’t feel right to you, it helps to distance yourself and examine the situation without emotion, without judgment, and just be within the feeling. I’m currently working through the idea of resistance and how the resistance to the feeling actually magnifies the situation. I’ve come to also realize that how someone else “feels” is not really my business but their own. If feelings are to help shape perspective, who am I to deny you, Dear Reader, the ability to shape your own world just how you’d like it to be…for you.

What an incredible January! Peace.

Choosing Your Identity

So, it is my hope that the title of this blog posts intrigues you because, well, it should. If you are a human being enjoying a physical experience in 2020, or, the Year of the Pandemic, you will not walk away from the experience unscathed or the thinking life is still the same as this time last year. Something in you will change because that is exactly why life throws us these challenges – hurdles, problems, experiences – however you label the situation. Good or bad. These are all learning experiences. The label does not change the experience; it is your selection of how you wish to see the experience that determines your own personal outcome. That’s right. YOU CHOOSE.

When this Pandemic began, I was already in a precarious position with my mental illness and struggles through Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that usually clears around April. For me, SAD feels like a heaviness that begins as the darkness comes early in the Northeast. I developed SAD when I moved East back in October of 1992. Or, I should say, I realized that I may have a mental illness which was in itself very scary. Living on my own in a state far across the country from my family created the need for me to stand on my own two feet. In September 1993, I felt the darkness begin to descend again and sought counseling so, on my 30th birthday, I was sitting in a psychiatrist’s office discussing my conditions. Mental illness can come in any situation and may no longer be tainted by the “You’re ill?” brush yet it still is difficult to admit that you have a chemical imbalance when you don’t necessarily have any physical pain. Since then, I’ve been very attentive to my moods so that I may manage my conditions with a positive outlook. When there is so much negativity, I feel this very keenly and will actually just leave the room or situation. I do not possess the ability to argue or fight about this. It just is the way I handle my shit.

So, I’ve had to take a break from social media for a while. I felt my SAD did not lift as prior years. Normally, come April, I am really ready for the longer, warmer days of spring and summer. Thanks to the 2020 Pandemic, my moods began fluctuating to various extremes between anger, resentment, and a brutal sadness that dripped off of me. I felt the weight of my thinking very keenly and brought out my usual coping mechanisms. With the fighting of strangers in the news and the lack of tolerance and patience that seems to be a majority mindset, I felt myself sinking into a mental state of dispair that was so keen that for a split-second I actually contemplated leaving this mortal coil. (I’ve always liked the old-timey reference to life as a “mortal coil” which Wikipedia defined as “…a poetic term for the troubles of daily life and the strife and suffering of the world. It is used in the sense of a burden to be carried or abandoned. To “shuffle off this mortal coil” is to die, exemplified in the “To be, or not to be” soliloquy in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.”) I found myself on the floor, hysterical, thinking about how sad my mother and sister would be at my decision. This made me think of what really is important in life: the present. I sought therapy once again. Happily so, today, I learned something new about my illness that has helped me be better and, actually helped me realize some of my dreams. Isn’t life truly amazing?

Rather than engaging with people I don’t know about really important topics, I decided to restrict my social media access. This “break” allowed me to focus on what is really imporant and that is what I can do now. My depression originates organically and genetically. Without going into too much boring detail, I have extreme anxiety that forces me to always be in the future in a type of prevention mode. I deal with my anxiety by shelving it which, in hindsight, isn’t too healthy. (Working on that one.) In July, I registered an extreme blood pressure caused by stress, 174/120. I also realized that caffeine contributed to the jitters (Thanks, Mom!) and I have been caffeine-free since July. The difference is really startling for me. My heart palpations have just about gone unless I’m having a panic attack. (Aren’t those wonderful?) I’ve identified when I have a panic attack coming on and am able to prepare and ride through the feeling, or I’ve learned about the Law of Resistance and to better manage that.

Many of you probably didn’t know this, and it could be a surprise to you. That is how a mental illness like depression works. We may not even realize we have this until you have a breakdown moment or a reaction that is out of character. Please, seek help. By admitting I needed help, I turned a huge corner in my own management of my conditions. Admitting I was suffering allowed me to move through the pain and feelings by taking steps to help myself. My doctor told me to raise my dopamine levels through regular exercise each day. As of today, I am three weeks in to a new habit of daily exercise for mental health. I’ve been able to keep this up as I’ve made it a part of my identity just like my depression. I am a person who has depression that is under treatment. It is not my identity but a condition that makes me uniquely me. Each of us may have suffered some other mental or physical reaction to the Pandemic. I encourage you not to resist your feelings. Please exercise healthy self-care and realize that your condition or situation is not who you are but one of those aspects that make the “mortal coil” worth enjoying. Be well. Peace.

Where Do Thoughts Come From?

Have you, gentle reader, ever wondered where thoughts come from? I never have until a recent series of singular albeit related events. These events appeared randomly over a series of years and in very different situations. As they happened, there was no known or expected correlation between the events. In my attempts to work through current pandemic and quarantine effects – and my response to them – I realized that my responses to these events led to my next challenge or opportunity/event. My dawning realization that all of my life events are somewhat tied to my thinking made me wonder just where thoughts originate and if their source made a difference in how I responded to my thinking. I pondered how a lack of intention and misperception could impact my thinking and the next event.

I’ve been very interested in the origination of thinking or thoughts these past few months and, truthfully, I’ve been very interested in people’s “whys” as an effort to find my own sense of purpose. My thinking (pun intended) these days wonders whether thoughts originate from the brain or if thoughts are interpreted by the brain (totally external) or a combination of these two activities? This leads me to the thought that if there is a combination, is one more predominant than the other? And, how does our perception of the internal and external “us” impact our interpretation of a thought? Does one’s preference for introversion or extroversion impact thinking? I plan to explore some of these thoughts (I’m on a roll, gentle reader, with my puns) and hope that you may also benefit for I think I’m called to share this information on my experience so you may stop and consider your own experience and what it may have taught you. Life is about teaching us all and our shared experiences will benefit from being told for it is the connectedness that allows humanity to thrive and, IMHO, survive.

Be well, and Happy July 4th.

The Restoration, All Parts

Last month, I wrote a blog post called “The Restoration, Part I” where I mused over my disordered thinking and perception, and my realization that this may have gone on unchecked in my brain for quite the long time. It was through the extreme discipline required by the pandemic that forced me to these realizations. The change in the title of this blog post from a single “part” to “all” parts reflects my intense introspection and its infinite application in my life. Over the past four months, I’ve distilled this to a single thought that applies virtually everywhere I look:

Be a student, not a judger.

While the quarantine began for me on March 5, 2020, the extreme restriction actually did not have a mental impact until the end of March when I had to first wear my face covering…and became hysterical. Downright howling, tears, frustration, self-condemning shit all because of being required to wear a face covering. I told my husband I didn’t want to live in a world like this and I was dead serious about it, pleading with him to run me over with the car and end it. Living this way was not what I wanted for myself and the heaviness and enormity of the situation was more than I could handle. While I understood the reasoning behind covering my nose and mouth, the emotions still raged. Why? And, instead of condemning or belittling myself, I began to study my reaction through eyes of self-love. This was and continues to be a huge step for me.

Be a student, not a judger.

Since then, I’ve been in deep contemplation about aspects of my own self, their causes and effects, and what meaning I’ve attached to them. The cry for help and relief was so desparate for me that I knew I needed to act or else I would go insane. Instead of harshly judging myself, however, I have learned to question these emotions. Through this effort, I realized that I am not alone and that this extreme situation brings out really visceral reactions. Each outting with my mask has become a bit easier. My sister has taken to sewing face coverings and kindly mailed me a few. This sense of fun in harsh times has helped to lighten my mental mood. Thank you, Michelle, for your kindness extends farther than you realize. (Isn’t that the way of kindness?)

Be a student, not a judger.

This simple statement, above, was what I had in my automatic writing exercise this morning. (This is one of my habits I’ve developed in the pandemic and has been surprising insightful.) I’ve also been more a peace with myself and I’ve become okay with being quiet. In learning, one must be quiet and develop the ability to listen without judgment so I feel like I’m working on the first part okay but the second part is really a challenge. For an introvert, I usually have a lot going on behind my eyes. Unfortunately, it can be what I’m cooking for dinner that evening or replaying my tenth grade band practice from 1979 over and over again. Usually totally random crap.

I believe listening is a lost art that needs to have a renaissance. In working on my listening and examining my habit to be distracted, I began an intensive course offered by Eckhart Tolle called “Conscious Manifestation.” (This link is for your information. I receive no financial benefit from a referral…full disclosure.) I’ve been studying communication and the idea of self in our being and doing. I’ve also been studying the structure of beliefs and meanings to improve my own ability to listen empathically. I began to study Tolle years ago and was confused. Not any more. (Thank you, Pandemic.)

Be a student, not a judger.

Look forward to more content on judgment and how we do this without even realizing it. How many times have you judged someone based on their skin color or uniform? Or how many times have your been judged by others? I’m damn sick and tired of it and have decided to be a “no judgment” type of person. I’m okay with you doing you as long as I can do me because I’m learning that I like me and this is enough, as I am enough. Be well and enjoy nature and summer. Spend time in love and be patient with yourself and each other. Blessings, and happy summer.

The Restoration, Part 1

I’ve been writing these past few weeks about the idea of adding and subtracting of myself, or the shifting of mental and life “blocks” to review, reset, and repurpose. I see this all as a type of restoration of the self. Like my favorite HGTV programming, you take the good, toss the bad, and leave a little “dinge” – or the good old stuff. (Hi Erin and Ben!!)

This resetting may be the best way of defining The Wobble. My idea of a wobble came from a yoga practice in which I was struggling in a posture. In my mind, I was thinking about how I was failing. However, my teacher exclaimed how good the wobble was because the struggle was creating new muscles and that these muscles were performing in new ways…or “The Wobble”. I’m exploring how the Wobble may not only be a physical adaptation of the body but may also be the metaphysical “Wobble” of the mind…the illuminated mind. What does this mean? Let me explain.

In some of my work to achieve better physical health, I realized that my own mindset could sometimes “trip” me up in my efforts for mostly anything. There is also a mental component to physical acheivement, isn’t there? This mental component is critical to successful achievement and through the effort of physical acheivement, I realized just how much negativity I spewed to myself. Through that dirty and, well, false lens, I failed to appreciate my world for its beauty and splendor and saw only my personal failures. How much of my view was obscured by my own self-hatred?

Did I think myself too small to jump the hurdles in my life with success? This was such an eye-opener for me that since that realization, I’ve begun a journey back to see just how much I “poo-pooed” my achievements. Like, the time I won the “Employee of the Month” at my job — in 1986. (Yes, my good friends, this has gone a LOOOOng time.) My view was that it was my turn. But, was it? How much did I diminish the achievement because of my own lack of self-worth? How much of my own limitations were….ummm….self-imposed. (Yikes!) This brings me to my current situation and my new lesson in self-blame.

Last week, the office I run had to make a difficult decision on who to promote. The decision is unimportant, really, because it was my reaction to the decision that was extremely startling…and a true eye-opener in my Wobble. There was a choice made (and, it wasn’t my choice to make, either) and the person who was not choosen was disappointed. So disappointed in fact that there was an emotional response from the individual and I felt myself begin to assume their pain at the loss…and, then, I realized what I was doing. STOP! My inner dialog was something like: “Yes, let me heap some of your disappointment on ME. I will take the blame for you so I don’t feel so bad at having to make a decision that I knew would disappoint you. This reinforces my bad feelings for myself.” The rational part of me said: “Wait…what are you doing? Why are YOU feeling bad because someone else did not qualify for a promotion? Isn’t it their job to ensure they qualify and that their supervisor agrees?”

I began to sift through my feelings a bit more, and with the help of my very learned partner, I began to formulate a question in my mind that required further study: Why would I take responsibility for someone else not getting a promotion? (As I write this, I’m realizing that this situation is much more psychologically involved so, please, take my experience for just that: experience. Seek your own professional assistance as I am in no way a medical professional. <3)

For me, this comes down to needing to be liked, and assuming a posture of self-blame for not being liked. While I was reduced to weeping, I finally realized that this situation was not for me to be upset about…and began to feel better. I certainly have empathy for my colleague and I really want to promote everybody I meet. (Really!) I even went to my boss to ask about the possibility of promoting everybody for potential opportunities even though they were not the best fit for the job just so that I wouldn’t have to disappoint THEM. (I am highlighting this as the lesson of my needing to be liked was what I needed to learn.) In fact, the heart of the decision was the assessment made by one of my direct-reporting supervisors of someone else’s performance and how it may “fit” into the office. In this case, then, isn’t the performance up to the applicant for the job? And, why am I assuming this disappointment and taking responsibility for their lack of showing up?

It was this latter question that got my mind going and turning this around for a better way of looking at the situation. (Byron Katie’s “The Work”. All you need to know.) The shifting of the responsibility to where it belongs is now me, wobbling, in a very good way. Normally, I’d just assume the blame and begin my negative inner dialog of blame, criticism, and just such harsh dialog that I’d NEVER, NEVER say to anyone else. Yet, this WAS different. I recognized that I am being paid to make tough decisions for the good of my company and that they rely on my knowledge of the brand, my leadership, and fair-treatment. All of those factors were used in the decision-making. It was a fair decision given all things. So, why do I now feel so lousy?? More to follow once I figure THAT out. Anyone who says life is easy isn’t living. Peace and be well.

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Warning: this post discusses body image issues, treatment, and experiences. If this is a triggering discussion for you, please move on from this post. Always seek medical guidance from a professional following the best guidance from your physician. Be smart.

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