Tag: anxiety

Presence Over Perfection: Living in the Moment

“Life is the dancer and you are the dance.” Eckhart Tolle (2006)

I’ve long been fond of all types of music. As a young teen, I played an instrument in the band. Later, as a an aspiring adult, I found guitar solos and interesting drum cadences calling me to a new genre of music. Then, I began the jazz period, country period, metal, and back to plain “rock and roll”. Life is a patchwork of experience, from the dizzying beat of disco to the guitar licks of L.A. Guns which are still making great music. I grew up with this energy of being ‘with’ the band throughout all of these periods.

I began to want to capture my experiences on film or, rather, media card. Why? (Because the person next to me what also filming.) What level of distraction do I need to enjoy what is in front of me? (You ADHD folks know what I’m talking about here – the distraction for focusing.) What will I be doing with the video? Will I EVEN watch it again? (No answers both questions.) So why am I even trying to fuss with an electronic device, argue with people about being distracting, making my party angry because they cannot enjoy the show, and I take away NOTHING.

I then asked myself this question: What if I put my electronic device away (pocket, purse, lake – does not matter) and ENJOYED the show? Or, an even bigger question to answer: Why am I trying to capture the event on film instead of ‘feeling’ the event and experiencing this through my senses that are NOT tied to a mobile device? (Probably because I want to create a cherished memory of the event. Isn’t the memory better when experienced versus filming? A good point of debate for just what is cherished is to the individual, isn’t it.)

Bruno Mars has the right of it. This article discusses this from the artist’s point of view. There is disagreement here because some do need a physical memory of the event. To that argument, I respond that you will never capture the feelings you feel in the moment through the lens of your phone’s camera. I would argue that a physical representation of an ‘energetic’ event like a performance (concert, play, movie, etc.) is a poor substitute for the actually feeling the experience. Are we attending as a status update to our social media accounts or are you truly there to enjoy your evening? Perhaps its one’s motivation – or their why – that is at question here?

When we cease to truly feel our moments, we become more automatic and the feelings can be confusing and jumbled. These are habits – yes, habits – that can be compounded on over the years to create a monolith of meaning in their silence. I enjoy life so much more when my phone is not in my hand. I’m already naturally distracted by my ADHD. The phone offers additional distraction that is both comforting and very scary. Try leaving your phone in your bag or pocket and see what being in the moment feels like.

I almost forgot about the wonder of the world.

Peace.

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Navigating ADHD and Depression: A Personal Journey

Good morning. It’s July 21, 2024, and just after 9AM in the morning. I’ve been up since 6AM, busily doing laundry, preparing meals for the day, reading, and meditating. Just a little bit of an “administrative” day: Grocery shopping, a baseball game, and spending some time in post-apocalyptic West Virginia in Fallout 76. It’s been almost six months since my last post and I thought to give a bit of an update on my ADHD journey.

My diagnosis was confirmed in February, with a little twist: Depression. ADHD has a few co-morbidity traits and one of these is depression. Many times, patients present with depression as I have in the past. What is important is that treatment include depression but also addresses the root cause – if one can be determined. Mismanaged ADHD can lead to depression. I’m being treated for depression yet the ADHD is still prevalent so I’ve begun working on managing my ADHD symptoms.

ADHD presents differently depending on your gender, age, and your particular symptoms. Not all ADHD is the same so one must really develop self-awareness. Some of the particular characteristics are here. My symptoms include: impulsivity, reliance on sugar for dopamine, time blindness, interrupting people, anxiety, over-sharing, people-pleasing, body-doubling, mirroring, and an overall restlessness that can equate to becoming bored. I have extreme hyper-focus yet must distract myself with physical tiredness to do tasks that I don’t want to do (e.g., write my school report, pay bills, etc.)

UPDATE: 9/27/24. Last month, I received my ADHD diagnosis and confirmation that my depression was a co-morbidity. Treat the co-morbidity without treating the source and I would be – once again – on the hamster wheel to diagnosis. Having this diagnosis – explaining that my personality ‘quirks’ are actually neurodivergence – is a bit startling. When a person believes themselves to be broken – for decades – and to find out that this “life” – or what I’ve made of my “life” – can be explained through physical differences between me and someone else is really, really disconcerting.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Stopping my attempts to conform is now my goal so I can really cease the mental “Leroy” in me. I’m also seeing these qualities in others and understanding our differences has helped me to accept them…and myself. My tolerance (read=acceptance) of myself and others has really improved. The journey and catalyst are all subjects for their own telling.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Peace.