Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 3: Depression/Anxiety Lane

As I write this blog post, I am enjoying some vacation time. My journey is continuing and I’m making real progress, both mentally and physically. My emotions are less varied and my tolerance and patience for myself – and others – is growing. I can feel my mind just becoming clearer and clearer with each day. How wonderful my journey has been thus far and I can see myself moving from Depression/Anxiety Lane to a new home on Beautiful Life Way. This will be a shorter post because this subject is really critical for people and I in no way wish to minimalize or trigger any feelings. If you suffer from these conditions, please seek help. Be your own counsel, and use common sense. My journey is my own and I’m sharing this to help others seek their own help.

I learned that I felt better when I ate sugar. Candy gave me a lot of energy; the crash was bearable because I could always eat more candy if I felt poorly. Candy led to cake and I used to joke that I could be happy eating cake for dinner. (Thinking about this now gives me a queasy stomach.) My weight ballooned as I tried diet after diet, only to be pulled back into the sugar web of desires. Here is what my experiences in life have taught me:

Moderation/Restriction does not work for an addict.

If one is an alcoholic, do we just tell them to have one less drink a day? Or, if I’m a heroin addict, is the solution “just do a little in moderation” very beneficial? (NO!) Did you know that sugar has the same effect on the brain as heroin? So, the answer to reduce your cake portion seems absurd. This does not work. In a heroin addict’s situation, however, there is a methadone solution which I equate to use of artificial sweetners. In this, I have been able to sustain my focus by using Splenda in my coffee. That sweetness has become a bit much and I’m slowly reducing my use of that product, too.

Eating whole foods that do not convert to sugar is another key aspect of my journey. It is not just reducing sugar intake, it is also about reducing how my body treats the food I ingest. Or, if I eat sugar or if my food turns into sugar, I have the same reaction: Addiction. This addiction results physical and emotional responses that can include anxiety and depression. I realized that in my changing and emerging knowledge about myself and the possible correlations to my desires for sugar, I’m seeing through the veil of mental cloudiness so much clearer than ever before. I’ve replaced my dopamine source to one that is more sustainable: physical movement.

One thing I have learned is that our obstacles create opportunities for growth. Addiction, whatever it is, may help us to realize that there are larger problems at play which are expressing themselves through our choices (or addictions). The journey to wellness is not a paved road but one which contains pot holes, detours, missing bridges, and seems to go for miles. Just remember that every journey must begin somewhere. Just start and let the beginning continue to be your guide post.

Peace.

My Scorched Earth Proposal

When you hear of the term ‘scorched earth’, what comes to mind for you? To me, this is the very last “take no prisoners” kind of effort. An all-out, no holds barred kind of effort. Scorched earth is defined as a military strategy that aims to destroy anything that might be useful to the enemy. So, while I’m not destroying useful things, I am destroying my own beliefs in what is right or proper treatment for my psoriasis. My new approach may create some unintended consequences. These consequences are also goals but have to be mentally and closely managed to be successful. My definition of scorched earth is more to: This is it! And, my friends, this is the subject of this post: my health journey and a beginning.

I have written about my health struggles. After my mother’s death, I took a hard look at my own life and came up concerned. My own health was following in my mom’s path and I was not going to go down easy. My main concern besides my weight is my psoraisis. While I’ve had a weight problem since I was a child, the psoriasis is an adult problem. Or, a relatively new concern that is, now, 20 years old. I’ve been very encouraged by some additional data that I’ve accumulated, and I’d like to share this with you.

The medical community failed me. Truly. For my psoriasis, the prescribed remedies were steriod creams, powerful drugs or just a shrug of the shoulders. In one case, at a leading medical hospital in New York City, the doctor just shrugged without any real solution. I had been struggling with the psoriasis for about 5 years as it slowly got worse. Working in New York City, I realized that I had access to the top medical doctors. Making an appointment, I was once again given the psoriasis diagnosis and provided my next infusion of steriod and vitamin creams. This seemed to be the modus operandi for my initial visits because, of course, no other doctor did this. Right. When I voiced such to the doctor, she pretty much said that I would need to follow just her guidance so she could properly treat me. OK, I thought. Let me give this another try.

Determined, I salved myself up everyday, my legs becoming an oily, gooey mess under my slacks. The good folks at the hospital who shall not be named surely know their business, right? And, wouldn’t you know it? The psoriasis went away! My calf skin was so clear that I could not see any evidence of prior skin issues at all. My legs were clear, skin nice and solid, and my itching was gone. I found my cure! This doctor is a genius! Then, a few weeks later and out of the blue, I began to feel bloated and I retained fluids. My hands and legs were huge, and I felt miserable with problems walking on my huge feet and just feeling well. And, wouldn’t you know it? My psoriasis came back and with a vengeance for it was really angry that I tried to evict it from my body. (By now, I created my psoraisis into “a thing” independent of me.) My swollen legs had bright red patches covering 60% of my lower leg. Before, I had blotches – spots really – this size of dimes and quarters. After this event, I now had huge chunks of red, swollen flesh. My legs appeared to be chemically burned. Did this just get worse with all of my treatments? I was stunned, and called my doctor.

Time for another visit where the doctor just shrugged. She poked around a bit and had no other offerrings. The nursing assistant who processed me into the office for my appointment had more of a reaction for he actually gasped and recoiled when I pulled up my trouser legs. I was materially worse with bright angry red blotches that looked a second away from a bloody mess. Struggling to understand what happened, I asked the doctor why didn’t the cream continue to work? My friends, this was the FIRST time I learned that psoriasis was treated by steriods but that this treatment does not resolve the problem. What? How can that be? Why would I be given treatment but no cure? And, that is when it hit me: Steroid creams will not solve the problem. I asked if there could be any nutritional correlation or something I could be doing better in my diet? The doctor said not really. I pressed because I had always believed that good nutrition equalled good health. (Folks, just because I could not follow good nutritional guidelines didn’t mean I don’t know about good nutrition. Just sayin’. You may be surprised that most obese people really do know about proper nutrition. It is following these guidelines that is difficult…or so I used to think after I began to question said guidelines.) Then, the doctor said that there were some recent studies about nutritional implications in psoriasis. My thought then was this: Why did I have to ask you repeatedly to get this information? And my only answer to that question as I pondered the visit on my way home? My changing nutrition and healing myself does not sell drugs. Or medical visits. Or snake oil cures. I realized I was part of society that was sick and would follow that path. (Sociology studiers know about this.) I began staring down psoriatic arthritis and pictured myself tragically impacted by this debiliating disorder.

Not wanting this for myself, I began a path that would take me to new heights, deep lows, meeting new friends (Hi Karen!), and ending up with a new focus: Education. I also realized that while searching for my own purpose in life, my obstacle is actually my purpose. For this reason, I plan to share my journey to healing with you in the hope that this message finds and helps someone else. What you will find out is that a kind person provided me with key insight that set me on my own path to wellness, a journey of insight, reflection, and change. Very scary but, if I can weather the storms, the results will be their own reward.

One thing I have learned is that there is a lot of information – and misinformation – available to us that is packaged up and looks really official. Check out this study on psoriasis here. To the layman, this looks really technical and must be legit because of all of the chemical notations. (This was my initial take!) However, the study has this language in its abstract section that had me wondering:

“Psoriasis patients often show unbalanced dietary habits such as higher intake of fat and lower intake of fish or dietary fibers, compared to controls. Such dietary habits might be related to the incidence and severity of psoriasis.”

Now, that is just – excuse my language here – fucking bullshit. I’m calling it. BULLSHIT. I have been on so many diets: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, vegetarian, vegan, grain-free, AIP, liquid – you name it. I have never seen my psoriais improve with any of it. Now, most studies are reliable and probably okay. However, you needed to be really consider all of the possible issues within the testing to get the true picture. How are studies funded? What data was used? What preconceptions could there be? These are legitimate and valuable questions to be answered, too. Now, this study provided no scientific evidence for this statement, and the basis of this analysis may consider this unverified premise based on a societal viewpoint unfavorable to the obese. (And, if you don’t believe there is a bias towards people who are overweight, you need to buy the Brooklyn Bridge I’m now selling. Cheap.) I cannot tell you how many times my issues were discounted because my weight was seen as ‘the cause.’ (Hello, Endocrinologist, who told me my thyroid numbers were good only to find out – accidentally – that I had cancer of the thyroid.) Well, what if my weight is the RESULT of something else? What if our medical establishment actually focused on obesity not as a biblical failure or any type of failure of that matter. I would routinely sit with a group to eat lunch, gaining weight on my food which was half the volume of those around me. Yes, I think I gained their weight too!

Here is the dilemma for the average human: Any nutritional study is subject to interpretation because nutritional studies require very specific controls. Depending on the study, the data can be misinterpreted if the human factors influencing the measurements are not also considered. These types of trials are very expensive because you must provide for quite a lot of controls to really be able to assess the data. Therefore, most studies do not include this level of control or they are funded by large companies who have the currency to spend on biased studies to support their product. Additionally, each human is different and their bodies metabolize the same foods with different results. A lot of what I eat reacts differently with you as I described at my lunch table. Why is that? Well, my background – and genetics – are different. And, I then began to consider that I am a first generation American. My parents were German and immgrated in 1956. Therefore, they grew up eating very differently than we do today. I recalled years past and how different my diet and eating were…and when that changed, and correlated this to a specific point in my teenage years. I began to consider this approach.

First, I took on educating myself. Then, I experimented and measured success through my psoriasis healing. Then, I backtracked to clear my own journey, see what I learned, and deliberately used that learning to move forward to health. I’m doing a daily ‘check in’ on my journey right now and I’m seeing very positive results. However, time will tell if this path is one I can stay on, or if I will need to make a turn somewhere ahead. That is OK for progress – and marking progress – is extremely helpful. In the past, I buried my head to measuring progress for I didn’t want to acknowledge my own failures. (Area #1 that I needed to fix before beginning this new path.) I have many failures on my path to success. Just like dating, one has to meet many partner prospects before deciding the type of person you wanted to be with. I used to see my own struggles as failures. However, I now see these as little detours on my ultimate journey. Detours that gave me a two options: I could wallow in them, or I could pick myself up, dust myself off, bandage my wounds, and begin again. And, I remembered to bring lots of bandaids for this journey is not without injury.

To a new beginning. Peace.

A New Day, An Old Me

Hello, and welcome back.

It has been quite some time since my last post in which I discussed my struggles with depression in the loss of my mother. This last year has been a real roller coaster of emotions where the unresolved is resolved, and where the broken is put back together again, many times held together with some duct tape.

Does the duct tape make me stronger? Or, are the cracks so deep that they are irreparable? I’m not sure and, like life, time will definitely tell. I like to think that the cracks, held together with the sticky duct tape, make me stronger for I know where my weaknesses are now, don’t I? Because of the crack, I’ve been able to define why the crack exists and how to repair the crack to create a new sense of stability.

I wondered if grief works this way, too, but in a much more subtle way or with invisible duct tape. Grief can create a mirror of our lives which then reflect the many facets of reflection. We may see areas in the reflection that may not be our proudest moments. We may see the opportunity in the mirror for a little growth, too. Through death, I’ve been able to reflect on what I want in life, and where those areas might be ‘shaded’. As we walk along a certain path, these events happen for us to pause, reflect, and make course corrections. If anything comes out of death, the event does breathe a different type of living into us, doesn’t it? Like a reminder of our own mortality. We can decide to grieve the rest of our days – and that is okay. Or, we can honor the person and create more lasting memories with other loved ones in celebration of this thing we call life. I’m for the latter.

In my career, I’ve been eligible for retirement for a few years now. (Frankly, the money wasn’t quite right.) My gut told me to stick it out and, thankfully, I did. Working through the Pandemic has really been a game changer for me in that I continued to have a sense of normalcy while the world seemed to fall apart around me. The death of my mother was really the final straw that broke the old me which didn’t really fit into my new reality. While the world seemed to be simultaneously shifting while standing still, I did the same. Or, I stopped fighting the flow of things. Stopped seeing the problems before they exist, thinking that by some miracle, I could prevent whatever it was I saw happening. I usually did prevent these events from occurring. Or, so I thought.

You see, I found things that might happen and set myself up for that eventuality. In doing this activity, I was never really present because I was always looking for the next ‘shoe to drop’. (This habit is so common, there is even a saying!) Recognizing that this mindset took me out of my present moment, I began a course of training to help me determine my well-being goals and the track by which I could achieve a new outlook. This began with my signing up for a single training that appealed to my more analytical side and helped me on this current path of self-care. My beginning was very minor and fit my needs at that time. As a result of this intensive work, I was able to shift my perspective and improve my overall mental well-being. Let me add that the healing has been profound and has resulted in improving me both mentally and physically.

In my darkest time, I decided two things: First, I prayed that my mom would communicate with me by showing me a penny at random times and odd places.

I really felt her (and still do) with me and showing me pennies grounds me in the present moment. I really felt her agreement and I do find pennies from time to time in the oddest of spots, usually when I’m enjoying life. These pennies are little hugs from my mom. With a quick motion and tear, I snatch up this treasure and put them into my pocket.

The second thing I decided was to retire at the next best window. Life is just too short to work until I drop dead. My mom enjoyed almost 30 years of retirement and, while I don’t think that is in my cards, I want to really give this retirement thing a good try. In my profession, our retirement dates printed on official documents so, selecting my proper year and birthday, I went to the next ‘best’ day. Turns out, this is also my mom’s 88th birthday. The number 88 is significant to me as it represents double infinity, both in life and love. That is about all the future planning I have in the moment, and that is OK.

And, in case you think life is random, let me give you this gem. This week, besides blogging, I’m working in my garden to weed and clean. My prized possession in my garden is a peony that my mother and sister gifted me for my college graduation. Each year, it produces the most beautiful and fragrant blooms and is a showstopper. I have found that gardening is really about tending in the moment for what is to come, or the ultimate ‘being present’. In writing this post and detailing my ‘penny’ experience, I cannot help to see the correlation between the words “penny” and “peony”, and how both are representing my mom. These types of realizations – and viewing this as a deliberate message and not a coincidence – creates the drive in me to continue on my charted course or path. And, THAT, my gentle friend, is the purpose of correlating factors or, for the uninspired, coincidences. Both explanations are correct. However, which viewpoint you choose creates a passion in YOU. Seeing and feeling the passion IS living.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – September or Three New Daily Habits

It is August 29, 2021, and I’ve just completed my post for the month of August. In this, I examined my original draft written about three weeks ago and compared this to my feelings today which were completely different and I wanted to understand why that happened. I found that I slacked off on my planning and let my incoming emails dictate the day and I’m feeling the mental stress of my lack of planning.

For September, I am committing to making a structure of three different areas with the following goals:

Personal – I will do one “chore” each day towards the overall maintenance of my home. Each chore will be no more than a collective 20 minutes; any longer chores will be split up over a few days.
Self-Care – I will do at least one positive thing towards my health goals of wellness. This may include: eating breakfast, choosing fruit and more natural sweets, drink water, exercise, meditate, wash/moisturize my skin, wear matching clothing, etc.
Work – Select my “one thing” and complete it to the best of my ability. Time block mornings for execution, afternoons for communication. If it takes multiple days, take the time and block it off.

Now that I’ve written my intentions here, I shall copy this into my journal (Hey, Self-Care!!) so that I can keep it in my intentional focus. I will report back at the end of September with my thoughts.

WEEK ONE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 3, 2021

I decided to add to my original plan a weekly review which includes a check in with myself for a month seems too long and doesn’t allow me to have my own personal “immediate” feedback. This week was hectic – two days I worked straight through without a lunch break or any pauses. I recognized that a lot of my normal self care and personal chores existed in my AM and PM routines so I acknowledged those in my planner. Both of these routines have been ongoing for a while now but without a daily intention or acknowledgement. Checking them off each day gave me a feeling of satisfaction, the formality of setting this in my calendar extremely helpful. Interesting, right? I also added a work task to each day that was not my “One Thing” but was for the purpose of that day and what was best for my organization. This, in turn, helped me so this type of thinking became my “one thing”…for now. I realize that there is no personal element considered in this type of thinking and that will need to shift if I’m to enjoy what I do for a living.

Since working from home during COVID, the morning routine I’ve found that works best for me was based on my assessment using Atomic Habits of my daily patterns and each task is designed to initiate the next task. (Now, I’m on autopilot.) My AM routine consists of – and not in any specific order:

wake
start coffee (push button)
take AM pill (on empty stomach)
morning ablutions (or shower depending on the day)
make my AM bulletproof coffee
read the news (only while “going” which is about what the news is worth to me these days)
meditate (I’m listening to a great audio book as a meditation strategy)
dress
make breakfast for the dog and I
take AM vitamins & other medicines with food
journal
start work

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week One

Now, many of you may say, “Why doesn’t she make her bed?” which seems to be the cornerstone of everyone’s morning routine. Well, I have a partner that does not get up at the same time as I do. I mention this because there is a lot of information about morning routines in the Inter-World — and there is no one right way. That is why Atomic Habits was so helpful. (You’re welcome.) Having my goals in my journal where I viewed them every day was also really helpful. One cannot achieve something if your focus is elsewhere. I also used my planner and checked off all of my achievements. I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. On to Week #2!

WEEK TWO CHECK IN – Week Ending September 10, 2021

Last week was a bit more chaotic than the first week. I began my week with a good plan of daily assessments along with my “AM” and “PM” routines noted in my calendar. The structure helped me to see that I lacked a bit of discipline in my planning.

My “One Thing” for the job, however, wasn’t as clear to me each day. (Considering my job takes up more than a third of each day, not setting my “One Thing” each day was detrimental to my overall productivity. (Note: I only realized this after the fact.) If left unchecked, my days can be filled with “shallow work” or, as Professor Cal Newport says in his book, Deep Work:

“Shallow Work: Noncognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.” (Page 6)

By the end of the week, I felt this lack of stability very clearly in my choice of tasks that may not have been the best use of my time. In the middle of the week, I took a day off just because. While this wasn’t on my schedule per say, I felt the need to walk away from my work for a bit of a break and practiced being retired. person-768787__340 I feel like I have one foot in both worlds: working and retired. I’m making the mental transition, too, and have a bit of myself scattered all over the place. This “scattering” may be why I’m not mentally engaged in either place. Focus, like willpower, I’m learning, is limited and each area of focus takes a bit more energy so that I’m not really able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m working out a “time blocking” scenario for working that includes my routines. For those of you interested, here is my PM routine:

Decide to go to bed (I don’t have a set time, usually signaled by my couch dozing)
Clean kitchen, reset dishwasher, wipe counters and spills, clean sink which usually takes me about 15 minutes. It is a good break from the television, too.
Set up coffee so that I can hit a button.
Brush teeth
Wash and moisturize face
Prep CPAP machine (Yay! Thanks, menopause and being overweight)
Treat psoriasis with whatever cream a doctor gave me that is purported to work
Read a few pages until dozing

That is about it for my PM routine. It doesn’t take me long and I like the bit of a break between watching television and actually sleeping.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Two

I’m a bit tired at the end of this week, more mentally than physically. I’m not sure why other than my attention is a bit scattered, like I have a lot on my plate but am unaware of everything. And, I’m not even sure that this is the reason for the unease. I do think that focusing on too much at once is unhealthy for me and I don’t feel like I’m really involved due to the lack of focus. I think I will make more of an effort to be in the moment and focus on what is in front of me – whether I placed it there or life has given me a new opportunity for growth. I also think that I lacked meal structure and have taken a few options in my shopping to help me stay nourished in a more structured kind of way. Last week, we had some work done on our house which changed my normal. I did not prepare and could not go grocery shopping because the trucks blocked the garage. The work is marvelous and one of the three projects I must do before I can officially retire. This may be why I feel like I’m in two places at once. Interesting thought that my external goals for my house are impacting to such a degree my retirement feelings and my plan.

This week, I plan to time block my mornings and select my most important task to complete each day. I will continue with my AM and PM routines as they are. I also need to add one household chore to each day, which I will do….AND STICK WITH IT.

WEEK THREE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 17, 2021

Last week was a pretty productive week if you look at my calendar. I don’t really “feel” that my week was productive, however. I’m not sure why that is and am considering that productivity is more of a state of mind than an actual “thing.” Like, I need to “feel” productive in order to be productive? (Editing Note: In week one, above, I made the following statement: I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. BAM! I actually caught myself before sliding down my normal hole of despair and self-focused negativity.) So, taking my sage wisdom from about two weeks ago, let me re-frame my week a bit.

What I did do was work to shift on the small things and began compounding them each day for a successful outcome. I began to block my time on Wednesday and found that I got work done without a lot of interruption. (Cool!) The structure – interestingly enough – also helped me to schedule in some exercise which I added on Friday and Saturday. (OMG!) I wrote into my planner “AM Routine” and “PM Routine” before the week began, and checked them off each day in my planner. That simple writing it down, stopping each day to check, thinking about my routine, and the physical act of “checking a box” really helped me to mentally “block” the time for myself. I also journaled a few days as well.

While I always mentally blocked time in my mind, my reality never really formally adapted to this construct which created a sense of incompleteness in my day. By externally writing things more formally in my planner, this action mentally closed a completion loop for me. (Interesting.) I also began to write my One Thing for work and for my household, the latter of which did not get done during the week. Frankly, I could care less today. (Again, interesting.) I want the result (clean house) but the daily tasks were apparently too much for me. As I understand these concepts, I’m going to need to see this task (clean house) as a smaller set of more doable tasks. As I look back at my week just completed, I was so focused on what I didn’t do that this perspective created an overall negativity that is like a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day and altering your plans because there is a chance of rain. Seems I may have tapped into something “off” in how I think here which will give me something to consider for next week.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Three

I do better with a bit of formalized structure to my life; this is a benefit for me. This constant mental chatter of my own progress (and lack thereof) is challenged when I formalize the structure so my own mental “truth” can be faced with the facts, in my own handwriting, in my planner. In my review of this week, this profoundly impacted me. This realization is also key: my version of discipline must have a structure, be formal, and be accountable – and honestly accountable. No bad feelings over here, just realization and acceptance. For Week Four, I will strive to ensure that my structure is sound, relevant, and applicable. Where I feel the structure is lacking or not as successful, I will go smaller and into tinier pieces until I reach the right feeling (or frequency), and then compound them through my daily habits, being satisfied with what is “right now.” On to Week Four!

WEEK FOUR CHECK IN – Week Ending September 24, 2021

Dear Reader, if you are still with me this far, thank you!! This journey, the chronicling of my thinking over the past month in my blog, has been really inspiring. My lesson learned is that my “structure of disciplined ideas” – which is what I’m calling my routines – really helped me. Just yesterday, I had a medical appointment in the afternoon that took me out of my normal routines. No cooking, so we had some takeout for dinner so my dishes were minimal. I was also extremely tired – mentally exhausted – at another tough week. As I was preparing for bed – or “executing my PM routine” – skipping steps felt unnatural to me. I began to look at those few dishes in the sink and my clean dishwasher that needed emptying with a different mindset. My mindset was not of “Ugh!” but of “How long does this really take?” and “If I stop mentally arguing with myself, I’d be done with XX by now.” (Interesting.) My habit of doing the dishes at night ‘stuck’ and I did them quickly, routinely, and went to bed.

Now, I wondered how much of that was habit versus mind-over-matter, like did I just do this because I knew I was blogging on the subject? Was my physical and mental discomfort over the messy kitchen real or make believe? The very next day, I got my answer. On Saturday, September 25, 2021, or yesterday, I had the same situation. We had to take our Toby to the doctor at 2pm – smack dab in the middle of the afternoon which throws my routine right out. We then went grocery shopping, again, outside of the normal routine, ordered our favorite pizza – an eggplant Napolitano with balsamic glaze – from Mama Theresa’s in New Windsor, New York. We have not had this since before the Pandemic so this was such a treat that we ordered a whole pie – or eight slices. By the time we got home, the time was around 5 p.m. so dinner was leftovers as we got hungry. This resulted in my same situation – minimal dishes and a tired Susan. I, again, told my husband I was going straight to bed – and ended up doing the dishes AND watered my plants. Why? Because, my Dear Reader friends, I had built a habit of waking up to a clean and tidy kitchen. My habit was not necessary to do dishes but to wake up with a clean kitchen. Cool, right? Just that little change in my perspective helped me to create a solid and comfortable habit. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink … and now, I am that person.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Four

I finally understand how discipline can help me in my life in other areas, too. Restriction is not something I’m good with and need to remember that. However, discipline is very good for me if I get it out of my head and onto paper. As a person who is highly visual, this makes sense because the act of putting my thoughts to papers helps me see my progress – rather than relying on my faulty perception to feel my progress. Feeling my progress is also misleading because these feelings get clouded with, well, life. Good day? Feels great, making progress. Bad day? Sucks! No progress made. (See my correlation?)

This realization has been throughout the week in other areas, too, since I began to pay attention. I’m also a great believer in the synchronicities in life giving us direction…if we are paying attention. I began to realize that the structure I’ve created is not “restriction” as I had felt but of “discipline” which is a very different mindset. When going to bed, thinking of discipline and how positive an experience this had been for me, I pulled out my night table reading materials. I’m re-reading The One Thing to my support myself through this experience. Using my book mark I opened to the chapter I’d left off from the previous evening’s reading. This was Chapter 6: A Disciplined Life. Yes, Dear Reader, this happened, and I was paying enough attention to recognize this little “Atta Girl” from the universe. I also found a great summary of the book here for those of you intrigued.

MY FIVE LESSONS LEARNED FOR SEPTEMBER 2021:

Creating a structure for myself is a key area of my life that I need to consider in what I do and who I am. There is a discipline in this that makes me extremely comfortable and helps my negative self-talk become a small whisper instead of a constant yelling. Seeing this structure has helped me to create an exercise routine that I’m enjoying, an eating routine that keeps me nourished with good food choices, and a mentally supporting style of thinking that is really helping me feel better.
Having discipline within myself doesn’t mean I’m locked in to anything. It means that I have the freedom of choice – at all times. That is restriction.
And, speaking of restriction, I don’t do well with restriction – yet I tend to see the world in that way. My changing references in my mental body will be key so that, where I feel any restriction, I must review the situation for what it truly is. In my life, I cannot view any changes as “restriction” or these will become sour and cause me untold amount of mental anguish.
Having the discipline to create good structures for myself doesn’t mean I’m locked into just that; I can always add or take away what no longer works. Change doesn’t mean anything failed; change means only that circumstances – whatever they are – have shifted.
Don’t add a “value” label or a “belief” label to anything, anyone, or myself – the latter of which is my normal focus. Labels take judgment and perception that are most likely way wrong. Don’t judge others for the same; they are also on the journey.

CONCLUSION:

All in all, September was a helluva month. What a turning point. My acceptance of myself has lead me to very different realizations that I will begin to follow in other life areas. These realizations have also really helped me to overcome a few mental challenges in stepping up my game. Maybe some of the changes take, maybe some need smaller increments to help them stick. Whatever life throws at me, however, can be handled for I have the discipline and restriction to handle life – whether that means to step back and watch, or to jump right in and take a deep dive.

Peace, Dear Reader. Be well, and welcome fall.

Lessons from 2021 – July or How Clutter Impacts Our Thinking

At my office, I have the cleanest desk. It is so clean that people remark about how organized I appear to be. (LOL) The surface of my desk has work equipment (laptop, keyboard), phone, stapler, pens, and my paper calendar. That’s it. Anything else is put away in a drawer or cabinet so the effect is a pretty clean desk. I find myself really productive in my office except, of course, when interrupted by a person or task. Since I’ve been working from home and using my home office, I’ve been unable to create this same feeling. My home office desk is cluttered with these items plus all of my art supplies, paper, files, and just a bunch of things that have no real home space. When sitting at my desk now, I feel a bit overwhelmed and unable to really think clearly. The contrast between my home office and my work office – and the level of organization – came to my attention as something needing sorting.

I began to focus on the idea of minimalism, its roots, and why some people really like this style of living. (The link is a very good explanation of a new channel I found in writing this post. I plan to check out more of her work. She couples minimalism and intention which, IMHO, is extremely important.) I began to wonder what benefits I might achieve with a “less” mindset? Will this impact my intentional thinking about myself, my goals, and dreams if I don’t feel so overwhelmed by my “things” and have a “less is more” mindset?

In the beginning of the Pandemic, I began to rethink my office set up at home to be more like my work set up: streamlined and minimalist. While my home office served me well when I used the office sporadically, working in the space full time began to create a level of discomfort that I correlated to having a messy desk. To make my home office similar to my official office, however, is a much more daunting task because the items in my home office have no where else to live. It’s not like I have all of my art supplies at my desk at work. In order to make my home office more comfortable, I almost need to reset my entire house because cleaning and organizing one space creates havoc in other areas of the house. (EDIT: Let me be completely honest with you…and myself… about my Pandemic mindset which began fueling this desire to streamline my stuff. I thought that, if I died, I did not want anyone to have to sift through my “things”. This was something I wanted to do. That realization made me see all of my “collections” in a very different way – more like a burden than an achievement. I also realized that I’d prefer to spend my money on “experiences” and not “things” so getting rid of my “things” really began to weigh on me. More on that another time.)

To help me better address this claustrophobic feeling in my office space and how to best handle the overwhelm, I began a household “review” of my space, any unused space, and how best to feel less overwhelmed by my stuff. Now, I don’t have a lot of stuff but what I do have is really unorganized and, frankly, overwhelming. To experiment, I began to review my china cabinet and take an unsentimental assessment of my “things.” I found that I owned over 40 different wine glasses for a person who does not drink wine. These glasses have been unused in my cabinet for the past 20 years and have been screaming (OK, not literally) at me to use them. What I “heard” was this: “I am made for celebrations and parties, not for display!” Glassware has a usefulness so I have always felt okay with collecting it. However, my wine goblets and pretty crystal stemware were not being used for their intended purpose. I decided to “rehome” most of them by donating most to my local Habitat for Humanity for resale. I really believe these glasses were almost happy to be able to grace someone else’s home/table. Feeling better, I added two platters that were unused (I have three left), two over-sized crystal vases, and some gently-used plastic cake/cupcake carriers. Immediately, I felt like the energy in my dining room eased a bit: I felt really good about the donation and I realized that there was a bit more air for breathing. On a roll, I removed a wall hanging from one of my walls in our foyer adjacent to the dining room that I had purchased on a whim and never quite liked. In its place, I put an older art piece where I liked the aesthetic of the dark frame on a light wall. I find myself drawn to that area of the house now because the aesthetic pleases me because the air feels lighter. Wow.

I began to wonder why that is? How can the excess and free space impact me so immediately? I realized through my studies that “things” all have energy and operate at different levels of vibration. Or, the science of physics. (I call it ‘thing energy’ as opposed to ‘people energy’. How original, right?) Some of us are more sensitive to ‘thing energy’ than others; some people can actually feel the vibrations of someone who may have owned the object at one time. The latter situation is called psychometry which is not my issue for I don’t feel that so keenly and individually. It is the energy (vibration, maybe?) of the collection of a lot of objects that feels like a wave of something that hits me square in the chest, and makes it difficult to breathe. Like, I don’t have enough space to find the air in the room. I’ve always felt “thing energy” quite keenly and am just realizing that my desire for an echoing room is to give myself more creativity and openness. When I go into a crowded grocery store, I feel overwhelmed by the “stuff;” the same is true in a crowded Department store or anywhere there is a large accumulation of stuff. I quickly leave the space, feeling claustrophobic and just a sense of overwhelm. I noticed that I feel a bit like that in my office space, too, which has lead me to really take a critical look at the lack of organization in my office and the idea of the reset was born.

In my experiment and with a mind to my planned office reset, I began to wonder if having my things organized – or put away – tempers the feeling. Like, if I did not have a china cabinet with glass doors but a buffet with solid wood doors, would the feeling be different because I could not visually “see” all of my things? Hmmm. I’m not sure. However, I am going to try an experiment this week on resetting my home office to see if removing and organizing my personal clutter will help me to be more creative and have less stress sitting at my desk. I plan to remove all of the stuff in my office: desks, computers, chairs, printers, etc. and then place these back with a little more thought as to my desired minimalist aesthetic and concentrating on storage/organization with the goal of a clean desk. I’d also like to create an area where I do my “work” and an area where I can be “creative.” Right now, I see these as two distinctly different areas in my room; I wonder if I can change that based on removing or rearranging my stuff. I’ve decided to also follow this particular YouTuber’s tips; her videos and delivery inspired me to also follow these guidelines. I’m a new subscriber to her channel and look forward to learning more. Here are some of her tips that I plan to follow:

1.) Figure out how much time you have and how much time it will take.

I’ve taken a week off of work so that I can separate this into some very doable tasks. My first task will be to remove everything from the surface that is not heavy furniture. This includes mail, inboxes, books, pen holders/containers, books (there are a lot of them!), and computer bags and accessories. In applying the four principles, however, I realized that in order for me to apply #2, below, I need to begin in my guest bedroom to ensure that I have sufficient ability to clear out my office. (Right now, my guest bedroom closet is spilling out onto the floor. It is filled with old formal wear that no longer fits, concert t-shirts from the 80s, empty hangers, and all of my holiday decorations. It is time to clear that close because if my green blazer ever fit again, the shoulder pads would rival Joan Collins’ best day and, frankly, I’d never wear the jacket anyway unless it was Halloween and I was revisiting 40 years of history.) Yes, my personal clutter has gotten so bad that in order to clear out an entire room of my house, I need to clear a place to put the stuff out of the way.) So, before I can even work on the office, I plan to de-clutter my guest bedroom closet first which, having done my own closet years ago, should be relatively straight-forward. Once my guest bedroom closet is straightened up, I plan to then begin my office de-clutter. (Now you know why I planned a full week for this.)

As I put things back into the office, I will then consider if I want to keep the item, addressing what purpose the item serves, and ensuring everything has its own place. If the item does not have a place, then it is not needed and will be thanked for its service, and discarded or donated. This allows me to get the office down to the walls and carpeting, and really get a feel for the office while also honoring the vibration of my “things.”

2.) Minimize distractions.

This will be difficult for me because moving and decluttering create their own “rabbit holes” of memories. I like Nourishing Mom‘s idea of the “to put away” box which helps to keep me focused on the task and not going into another room to then work in that room. However, because I realized that I will need to make room in my guest bedroom to temporarily move things from the study, I’ll need to separate this into two projects because I will find myself overwhelmed with now having two rooms to declutter. I’m already expecting that I will need to purchase cabinets and/or organizational tools to help me better place my things. Before I just go out willy-nilly to purchase something, I want to be really sure on where it is, what it is, and how I will use it. (See #4.)

3) Its going to take more than one pass.

I totally agree with the idea that both my guest bedroom closet and my office will need a few passes of critical assessment because after a while of making the hard decisions to relieve one of clutter, I can and do become a bit more emotional. In the cleaning of my personal closet, it has taken me quite a few passes and, unfortunately, I did not pay attention to tip #4 below and have created a new mess for myself in my closet. My closet organization is not as bad as before but can get there if I don’t soon intervene.

4) Avoid recreational shopping.

I realize now that I shopped out of boredom or wanting a new experience of buying a thing. What I was looking for was a panacea of sorts, a relief from my mental burden where I stifled my creativity. This is a lesson from the Pandemic that I’ve learned and wish to correct. I used to enjoy shopping and would purchase anything I wanted because I could – even if I really couldn’t. This created a poor habit of addressing my own mental discomfort through the purchase of a new dress or lipstick instead of addressing the real source of my unrest. My shopping over the past 18 months has become very specific because a weekly excursion to the mall just wasn’t part of anyone’s plan. The allowed me to see just how I’ve “coped” throughout my life, and be able to feel better by addressing the real issue.

That’s the plan for my office reset or starting over. In researching the “how to” of my project, I found Joshua Becker’s channel quite helpful, too, and found that I already do many of his tips in this video. This made me feel a bit better about my starting point and helped me to see that I can continue to improve. I’m very curious to see that, if after I’ve completed my project, if I’ll feel different about sitting in the space, or if I’ll need to move my office into my foyer! I’m intrigued because of the idea that we are all energy fields that can be manipulated, including objects that would appear to be solid. Every object in our world vibrates at different rates which creates their form. There are millions of possibilities depending on the object, placement, temperature…the combinations are endless and miraculous, aren’t they? When you think about the world at large, with all of the people, places, and things, the world is vibrating all around us. How can you not feel overwhelmed at times? Wishing you peace this July 4th.

[EDIT: And, as if the world is blessing this post, one of my favorite O.G. YouTubers, Renee Amberg, just posted this video. I love Renee’s videos as they show her transitions and struggles which make me feel less alone in my own journey. She discusses all things very honestly, openly and does not sugar-coat her experiences. Definitely worth the watch just for the inspiration alone.]

Keto Update: For those of you keeping up with all things Keto, I’m still doing well. Seeing some improvement on my psoriasis and my weight is stable. It is going up and down since my carbohydrate restriction isn’t as low as I’d like it to be. I’m under 100 carbs a day – usually around 50. This works for my “right now” time as I continue to adjust. I’m learning that there are some foods, while lower in carbohydrates, are not good for me to have in the house. Dr. Atkin’s bars are something other worldly delicious and I’m not to be trusted with them. Yet. In all things, there is progress.

The Addition

Last month I wrote about my realization that in my struggles to improve, I believed I needed to be less than…something. The idea of subtraction to fit in was what I learned and believed to be how “things get done.” I no longer believe this to be true and, actually, this idea is a very dangerous road of misunderstandings, self-betrayal, and my own death.

[Note to Gentle Readers: What follows is a tale of my journey to a wonderful realization that I wish to share with you. It is my tale on how I realized that, by struggling with being physically smaller, I became mentally smaller. In writing this blog post, I sought to identify this feeling and found this very valuable information from HumanParts.com: In part, Brianna Wiest writes that “Your “small self” is a combination of habits, behaviors, and beliefs you adopted from those around you. You interpreted their needs and preferences and took them as your own. You assumed certain traits for defense, or safety, or because you just never took a minute to stop and think: But is this really who I am?” I had never thought of life and growing up quite like this. I hope you read and enjoy this article. Allow me to continue….<3]

About 2004-ish, I was given a diagnosis of psoraisis for a small “spot” on my leg. It looked like a patch of skin no bigger than a dime that would not heal. With a history of cancer in my family, I trotted off to my local dermatologist. Unconcerned as the diagnosis did not include the skin cancer I could have sworn I had (delusions, anyone?), I just continued my regular lifestyle. I was told you just need to live with it or use X or Y cream/salve/lotion. Yeah? No. Move forward ten years.

In about 2014 where my psoraisis and health were left unchecked, that small patch became larger and slowly expanded, creeping up my calf on one leg and encircling it like a boa constrictor. Like the movie The Blob, the mass just continued to grow and slowly spread over my lower extremities. Doctors, creams, salves, etc., did nothing to stop the spread. I gave up and just let it run amok as a perk of getting older and wore long pants. I no longer got pedicures, embarassed at the condition of my legs. In my purely physical evaluation of my condition, I concentrated on the external “result” of my disorder. What I failed to understand is that psoraisis is not a skin disorder per say but an autoimmune disorder that comes OUT through the skin. In other words, these eruptions were the tip of my health iceburg and, while my doctors gave me creams for my legs, they really did not delve into my role and how I might help myself. This went on for about two YEARS and my psoraisis spread to my other leg, front and back of my lower legs, elbows, arms, and hands. Still living with it as I gave up on steroid wraps, salves, bathing, sunlight treatments….<sigh> I noticed the first lesion on my face and ears. That was the final straw because I could no longer cover up the eruptions with clothing or gloves.

Cue 2016 and the cancer diagnoses. This was dropped right in the middle of my health Wobble but I was unaware of the impact and how this served as a pivot for me.

Rather than continue on the familiar path I had worn thin through the years , the cancer served to divert me into a new health initiative. I was so scared at how this foreign thing was in my body and I lived my life unaware that it lurked. You see, my thyroid biopsies came back clear so to have found cancer during my parathyroid surgery was almost like winning the lottery for me. This discovery while I was “under the blade” resulted in an immediate thyroidectomy decision by my husband. (I cannot imagine how my husband must have felt being called in to a consultation room by my surgeon and told that I had cancer and he needed to decide right then and there what to do. He made the right choice for me.) After recovery and radioactive iodine treatment, I was left with my normal modus operandi: How can I control my health through diet because, obviously, my ballooning weight needed to be subtracted because that was the problem and caused my cancer and unhappiness about myself.

What I failed to consider is that my over weight is a result. No, not the cause. A result. I liked this way of thinking because I could then shift my own sense of blame (and resulting shame.) I live with a never-ending source of shame, manufactured by yours truly. I think it stems from being afraid to disappoint people. (What? Where did that come from? This is a new thought and just came into my mind as I type. I will put a pin in this because this may give later insight.)

I began to try to unravel the cause of my cancer and health, and relied on my tried and true “subtraction” method because it had been just so successful thus far. (Hindsight? No, it hadn’t.) I was determined to manage my thyroid through diet along with my psoraisis. I began a regimen called the AIP protocol which I implemented partially for about six months. My health worsened, the psoraisis flared into huge red patches with silvery coatings. The doctors gave me more creams because any drugs may be an issue considering my cancer and that the psoraisis was localized to my lower legs. It was then that I began ramping up my medical visits to larger clinics, naturopaths — anyone who had an idea. I was looking to remove whatever it was in my life that was causing me such physical and emotional distress. By the fall of 2018, I was depressed, living on very few food items that I enjoyed, and just feeling like I was a full and out failure. Yes. I am a failure because I could not manage my health and well-being, the body I was given for this lifetime.

Then, I had my vision. [Gentle Readers: If you are wondering about this, please read my prior post called The Subtraction where I discuss a very odd dream.] In thinking about it, I still become emotional although the dream is a few years past. This is how powerful an important “vision” can be…it is what is driving me to create this blog. I felt in my vision so relaxed and confident. I KNOW that this was me if I were in another life or path. Me, if I had lived my life without such a degree of shame and blame…both on myself and those around me. I decided that I liked feeling confident and relaxed and wanted that to be my full-time feeling. I began toying with managing my diet not be subtracting anything but by adding healthy habits and keeping all of the other habits, too. My thinking was to let those habits that I disliked fall away as no longer necessary once I had a better “addition.” So, instead of removing sugar, grains, dairy, fats, etc., from my diet in an immediate and drastic “shift”, I began to add a piece of fruit to my diet. That’s it. I stopped mentally shaming myself when I preferred a bowl of ice cream. As long as I ate my fruit, I met my goal. I then decided to add a slice of bread to my diet. Like my mother, I love bread…the old German kind with full grains. Some of my most favorite memories is my mother and her bread. I still visit and bring her a loaf or two of Heidleberg Bakery’s bread. (Note: Must have toast for breakfast.)

I began seeing diet as a road map and not a punishment and, in January of 2019, joined Weight Watchers (now Wellness Wins), and, by June of 2019, I’d lost about 50 pounds. The plan made sense and became second-nature to me. Then, I hit the Wobble….and skid right down through it into a pit of my own emotional garbage. I’m still here…struggling to maintain my weight loss in the middle of quarantining. But, my struggle? It’s a good thing as I am using the time to create a sense of ease for myself. I’ve gained weight…and I’m okay with that, too. I just refuse to subtract as a means of improvement.

If you’ve gotten this far in your reading, thank you. In my struggles to achieve, I’ve recognized that a good plan, daily check ins, and being kind to myself are key. These will be my new additions and I’m looking forward to being able to do more “adding” to my day that will include more physical activities that I would enjoy. For today, we have a cold, frosty morning. I plan to finish my coffee, enjoy a nice slice of toast and send good wishes to my mom and sister so that they, too, find a sense of joy and peace in this world. Hey, why not add it to your day??

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