Tag: mindfulness

Living Without The Constant Check: Navigating Technology Guilt

I’m not sure when “being connected” became something I needed and, ultimately, dreaded. In retirement, my days begin with my being immersed in my phone looking at email, social media, my bank account, investments, and local news. (Did I take my morning medication? Maybe, maybe not.) I think the habit of “checking in” with media began back in the early 2000’s when I commuted into New York City each day – about 2.5 hours from my house to my desk, door-to-door – with watching the news. I got the weather forecast, city news, commuting information, and everything I needed to decide if this was the day I needed to stay home. The was before mobile phones had internet. I was always hoping and looking for happiness in staying home, snug in my bed, which became overwhelming and very tempting. Everyday, I’d have coffee with Maurice DuBois, the news anchor, who would inform me of everything I thought I needed to know. Then, I’d tell myself to get to the office as I needed to support my family. THIS was my single motivating factor for working. (I did not realize this until retirement and at a significant personal cost.)

Fast forward a few years with the advancement of technology. My phone became my pocket assistant, reminding me of everything I wanted to do and usually failed at: To do lists, appointments, calendar notes, texts, goals – you name it, I berated myself for not being one of those people who could walk, talk, text, and laugh all at the same time. The tool I had in my hand was so powerful that I knew, one day, it w/could be my personal assistant…and THIS would be when I finally would be happy. Life would be coordinated into this little device and would finally give me a sense of peace. Fulfillment. Happiness.

<Sigh.> Just WHAT was I thinking about here anyway. Today, I consider this way of thinking as looping between searching and living. Yet, it took me many years to figure this out (ergo “looping”). Sometimes, we are searching for something in our living within the phone – or not. I do think people have varying degrees of engagement with technology depending on many psychological factors. For me, my identity shifting became wrapped up in my phone. And, this shift is just not as simple as leaving the phone in another room. No – the shift needs to be in my mindset and how I see the phone as a tool. This is a struggle I have each day because I fall back into old patterns as I am still working on replacing these patterns with better habits. I haven’t found them just as yet and have realized that the habits will find me when my timing is right – for me.

Life is about timing and phases, and understanding that each of these will change without me needed to DO or BE anything. My job these days is to notice how I’m feeling and adapt. Yep. Whatever “adapt” means to me – at that time. All of my life, I have fought against the current to build these muscles because I thought that was my job in this life as a human. Being different. Being unique. Making a big difference. I find myself tired – truly tired – of fighting against the current. I’m desiring a bit of meandering, finding my flow, and just being easy. With myself. With others. Having no agenda. Maybe this should be my New Year’s resolution: No Agenda, No Plan. And, Breathe.

Is this too easy? Hell no. As a recovering overachiever, doing nothing is still something. With my ADHD, I can always have my body sit still. OK, maybe my foot is tapping and I’m banging my finger on my leg – still for ME. My mind, however, is doing back flips and intricate problem solving that I’m totally unaware of until I blurt out some random sentence and realize I’ve had this whole conversation with myself in the middle of another conversation – WITH PEOPLE! Yet, I am a serial procrastinator as I know what I need to do and cannot make myself do this thing. This is when I realized my procrastination wasn’t an identity. It is a RESPONSE – and usually with an emotional tie. What is the procrastination telling me? Depends on each situation. I did decide that having the label was not fair to myself so I’m working on removing this label from my sense of self. I realized that I am someone who cannot make myself do something I don’t want to do without a SIGNIFICANT toll on my mental health. This is the ADHD impact. And, I’ve routinely told myself vile and hurtful things as a type of motivation….that isn’t. There are repercussions to this way of motivation that I’m currently unpacking – in my own time.

No Agenda, No Plan, Breathe. Good resolutions.

Happy New Year!

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

Navigating ADHD and Depression: A Personal Journey

Good morning. It’s July 21, 2024, and just after 9AM in the morning. I’ve been up since 6AM, busily doing laundry, preparing meals for the day, reading, and meditating. Just a little bit of an “administrative” day: Grocery shopping, a baseball game, and spending some time in post-apocalyptic West Virginia in Fallout 76. It’s been almost six months since my last post and I thought to give a bit of an update on my ADHD journey.

My diagnosis was confirmed in February, with a little twist: Depression. ADHD has a few co-morbidity traits and one of these is depression. Many times, patients present with depression as I have in the past. What is important is that treatment include depression but also addresses the root cause – if one can be determined. Mismanaged ADHD can lead to depression. I’m being treated for depression yet the ADHD is still prevalent so I’ve begun working on managing my ADHD symptoms.

ADHD presents differently depending on your gender, age, and your particular symptoms. Not all ADHD is the same so one must really develop self-awareness. Some of the particular characteristics are here. My symptoms include: impulsivity, reliance on sugar for dopamine, time blindness, interrupting people, anxiety, over-sharing, people-pleasing, body-doubling, mirroring, and an overall restlessness that can equate to becoming bored. I have extreme hyper-focus yet must distract myself with physical tiredness to do tasks that I don’t want to do (e.g., write my school report, pay bills, etc.)

UPDATE: 9/27/24. Last month, I received my ADHD diagnosis and confirmation that my depression was a co-morbidity. Treat the co-morbidity without treating the source and I would be – once again – on the hamster wheel to diagnosis. Having this diagnosis – explaining that my personality ‘quirks’ are actually neurodivergence – is a bit startling. When a person believes themselves to be broken – for decades – and to find out that this “life” – or what I’ve made of my “life” – can be explained through physical differences between me and someone else is really, really disconcerting.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Stopping my attempts to conform is now my goal so I can really cease the mental “Leroy” in me. I’m also seeing these qualities in others and understanding our differences has helped me to accept them…and myself. My tolerance (read=acceptance) of myself and others has really improved. The journey and catalyst are all subjects for their own telling.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Peace.

Are You Lagging When You Should Be Leading?

What would you do or who would you be if you knew the end of your life? Or, in other words, if you were guaranteed a specific result based on your desired outcomes? There are some things in life where your behavior guarantees certain outcomes. Yet, why don’t we do these behaviors when we are able to in order to achieve said desired result? It is in the daily habits that we succeed yet we don’t have that final ‘done’ feeling at the end of the day. I just hate feeling like things are undone and wondered if this happens to you, too. What I learned about my own thinking helped me to see how my lack of understanding actually was contributing to my immediate dissatisfaction. My question to solve: How do I realize my big goals that will take time to achieve? (Consistency.) How do I establish consistency? (Cue sound of crickets.) I realized that I may have been looking at my big goals in the wrong way.

Let me explain.

In my thinking, there are two types of goal timelines: lag and lead. To me, “lag” means a goal that is realized in the future based on the culmination of the past. A “lead” to me means that the change right now will have an instant result. Or, your lead behaviors result in the achievement of your lag goals. Generally, these terms are usually defined in business situations where your lag goal (e.g., revenue goals, etc.) are realized over time through the performance of a ‘lead’ goal (e.g., increasing sales, etc.). FranklinCovey has brought this into the human performance discussion as follows – and pay particular attention to the idea of ‘measures’ versus ‘goals’ which is where my distinction is a bit different:

“While a lag measure tells you if you’ve achieved the goal, a lead measure tells you if you are likely to achieve the goal…No matter what you are trying to achieve, your success will be based on two kinds of measures: Lag and Lead…Lags are measures [emphasis added] you spend time losing sleep over. They are things like revenue, profit, quality, and customer satisfaction. They are called lags because by the time you see them, the performance that drove them has already passed. You can’t do anything to fix them; they are history.

Lead measures [emphasis added] track the critical activities that drive or lead to the lag measure. They predict the success of the lag measure and are influenced directly by the team. An example of a lag measure is weight loss. Which activities or lead measures will lead to weight loss? Diet and exercise! Proper diet and exercise predict the success of weight loss, and they are activities that we can directly influence. Simple enough, but be careful: even the smartest people fall into the trap of fixating on a lag measure that they can’t directly influence. This is because lags are easier to measure and they represent the result we ultimately want. Think of a lead measure as a lever that moves your Wildly Important Goal®.”

I emphasized in the above quote that FC was discussing ‘measures’ as opposed to ‘goals’. These feel different to me so I thought to ask my old friend, Mr. Google, what he thought. According to this website of a company which helps online business improve their presence and profitability, the definition was more towards financial. However, this definition is a bit easier to understand in terms of a goal/achievement discussion/context:

  • Goal: desired end result
    • Examples: number of leads per month, dollars in sales per month, number of job applicants per job post
  • Metric: measurement
    • Examples: website visits, email subscribers, contact form inquiries

Using this conceptual framework, I interpreted my lag goal of weight loss would only be realized by lead activities or measures each day that, over time, will give me the lag result. (I believe weight loss – or loss of any kind – is a poor goal. I don’t want to lose something as a goal; I want to gain something and that, Gentle Reader, is my health and sense of self.) My first shift was in the energy and momentum of gaining something (versus losing something). However, I also found that I have been focusing on my lag goal expecting lead results. Or, I need to exercise greater patience and tolerance with myself each day to allow me the space to achieve over time, taking my lag goal a day at a time through lead activities. Instead of hanging my hat on the overall lag goal, I’m focusing on today which is all I’m guaranteed – and maybe not even the whole day! I’m trusting that I will have another opportunity to do more tomorrow. And, in that, I’ve realized that my lead activities must involve self-care to create an environment for me to be successful. I’ve begun mentally focusing on the ‘lead’ activity each day without a focus on the bigass “lag” goal because the long term focus is not helpful for me, today, and will be realized if I can be successful TODAY. Not Tuesday, but TODAY. (This is my journey and yours will be different. The idea of this is for you to create some space in your heart to not be so self-critical in failure.)

I realized that I’ve been measuring many of my habits with lag goal expectations when they need to be a finer level of goal. I began making this shift about a year ago with really small steps. Mine was routine manicures. This is a visual reminder of my lead habit realizing my long term lag goal for every time I look at my hands, I feel a sense of peace. It is a little habit I created – very simple – and extremely effective. This led me to a bigger goal: feeling better in my body as I age.

Feeling better in my body took on quite a few more specific goals: eating well, mental health, improving my patience and tolerance with myself, and the creation of a daily “anchoring” exercise habit. Before I could get to the daily exercise, I had to start really small. Right now, I am currently riding my stationary bike 3.5 miles a day in 15 minutes. This is up from my starting point of 10 minutes 1.5 miles. (Progression in my lead goals leads to progress in the lag goals.) I initially tried to begin by doing 10 minutes, no mileage restriction. Did that for a day and stopped. I felt really down on myself, going down a familiar path of negative self-talk and beratement. Rather than beat myself up, I looked at myself as a corporation and did a ‘lessons learned’ on my experience. (Unemotional!!!!) I asked myself what worked before? I answered with “Nothing, you idiot.” (The negativity was overwhelming!) I then spoke to myself as I would someone who was not me, or kinder. I asked myself what could I do that is a smaller step than actually getting on my bike? Or, where was my beginning baseline for I needed to establish a smaller habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease.

What could I do? I got dressed. That was it, folks. I got dressed. This was where I was for about two weeks as I contemplated the bike. I needed to feel the inspiration and the desire to expand. (This is KEY!) I sat in this place and just loved myself for getting dressed. One day, I thought, I can do the bike now. Because I had the getting dressed habit already nailed, I naturally returned to the bike. This created momentum and, each day, I get dressed and get on the bike.

How do I know I have momentum? Well, interestingly enough, I also did a ‘lessons learned’ on why I was successful, too. (Study your successes as they teach you just like failure is a teacher and not a final result.) I give myself one day of rest each week and I really find that the following day is extremely difficult for me to obtain the same performance as the day before my break. This shows me just how important momentum is in our habits. We must ride one wave onto the shore before finding our next wave to get us even further. Now, I expect to be a little sluggish after a day off and that is OK too.

Note this again: I actually did not begin on the bike for about two weeks until I felt the getting dressed in my bike shorts, tee shirt, and sneakers was a habit that I could consistently perform with relative ease. I’m repeating this because it is extremely important for you to begin where you are currently, and what you think you may add without too much drama. Stop thinking you should be further along because you are lying to yourself. You are where you should be because your habits created this place. It’s all OK. You are OK.

You know, we humans strive for comfort and it is through our lead daily activities that we reach our lag goals. Many times, our goals are opposite our desire for comfort so this change must be confronted in a kind and loving manner. Reaching your lag goals will create new opportunities for reflection and new travels. Be prepared for you will have a whole new world open up. For me, the exercise habit has become an ‘anchoring’ goal for my entire morning routine. This includes coffee, medicines, breakfast preparation, and my Morning Pages. (Morning Pages are an awesome way to get rid of your mental clutter – highly recommend some sort of journaling support for you as a lead supportive activity.)

Harvard Pilgrim Healthcare, a leading healthcare company, described the term “anchor habits” in this way which I found very true. (Here is a link to their article with good information.) “Anchor habits are small, core routines that are ingrained within us like getting up each day or, for some, exercising. Once you have an anchor habit, it’s also easier to continue adding to your routine and achieving more.” Creating an anchor habit takes time and is well-worth the journey. This journey helps you create a healthy sense of self-discipline which is one of the cornerstones of self-care. Love yourself enough to create the discipline you need to achieve your lag goals with daily lead activities.

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 3: Depression/Anxiety Lane

As I write this blog post, I am enjoying some vacation time. My journey is continuing and I’m making real progress, both mentally and physically. My emotions are less varied and my tolerance and patience for myself – and others – is growing. I can feel my mind just becoming clearer and clearer with each day. How wonderful my journey has been thus far and I can see myself moving from Depression/Anxiety Lane to a new home on Beautiful Life Way. This will be a shorter post because this subject is really critical for people and I in no way wish to minimalize or trigger any feelings. If you suffer from these conditions, please seek help. Be your own counsel, and use common sense. My journey is my own and I’m sharing this to help others seek their own help.

I learned that I felt better when I ate sugar. Candy gave me a lot of energy; the crash was bearable because I could always eat more candy if I felt poorly. Candy led to cake and I used to joke that I could be happy eating cake for dinner. (Thinking about this now gives me a queasy stomach.) My weight ballooned as I tried diet after diet, only to be pulled back into the sugar web of desires. Here is what my experiences in life have taught me:

Moderation/Restriction does not work for an addict.

If one is an alcoholic, do we just tell them to have one less drink a day? Or, if I’m a heroin addict, is the solution “just do a little in moderation” very beneficial? (NO!) Did you know that sugar has the same effect on the brain as heroin? So, the answer to reduce your cake portion seems absurd. This does not work. In a heroin addict’s situation, however, there is a methadone solution which I equate to use of artificial sweetners. In this, I have been able to sustain my focus by using Splenda in my coffee. That sweetness has become a bit much and I’m slowly reducing my use of that product, too.

Eating whole foods that do not convert to sugar is another key aspect of my journey. It is not just reducing sugar intake, it is also about reducing how my body treats the food I ingest. Or, if I eat sugar or if my food turns into sugar, I have the same reaction: Addiction. This addiction results physical and emotional responses that can include anxiety and depression. I realized that in my changing and emerging knowledge about myself and the possible correlations to my desires for sugar, I’m seeing through the veil of mental cloudiness so much clearer than ever before. I’ve replaced my dopamine source to one that is more sustainable: physical movement.

One thing I have learned is that our obstacles create opportunities for growth. Addiction, whatever it is, may help us to realize that there are larger problems at play which are expressing themselves through our choices (or addictions). The journey to wellness is not a paved road but one which contains pot holes, detours, missing bridges, and seems to go for miles. Just remember that every journey must begin somewhere. Just start and let the beginning continue to be your guide post.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – July *or* How Clutter Impacts Our Thinking

At my office, I have the cleanest desk.  It is so clean that people remark about how organized I appear to be. (LOL) The surface of my desk has work equipment (laptop, keyboard), phone, stapler, pens, and my paper calendar.  That’s it.  Anything else is put away in a drawer or cabinet so the effect is a pretty clean desk.  I find myself really productive in my office except, of course, when interrupted by a person or task.  Since I’ve been working from home and using my home office, I’ve been unable to create this same feeling.  My home office desk is cluttered with these items plus all of my art supplies, paper, files, and just a bunch of things that have no real home space.  When sitting at my desk now, I feel a bit overwhelmed and unable to really think clearly.  The contrast between my home office and my work office – and the level of organization – came to my attention as something needing sorting.

I began to focus on the idea of minimalism, its roots, and why some people really like this style of living.  (The link is a very good explanation of a new channel I found in writing this post.  I plan to check out more of her work.  She couples minimalism and intention which, IMHO, is extremely important.)  I began to wonder what benefits I might achieve with a “less” mindset? Will this impact my intentional thinking about myself, my goals, and dreams if I don’t feel so overwhelmed by my “things” and have a “less is more” mindset?

In the beginning of the Pandemic, I began to rethink my office set up at home to be more like my work set up: streamlined and minimalist.  While my home office served me well when I used the office sporadically, working in the space full time began to create a level of discomfort that I correlated to having a messy desk.  To make my home office similar to my official office, however, is a much more daunting task because the items in my home office have no where else to live.  It’s not like I have all of my art supplies at my desk at work.  In order to make my home office more comfortable, I almost need to reset my entire house because cleaning and organizing one space creates havoc in other areas of the house. (EDIT: Let me be completely honest with you…and myself… about my Pandemic mindset which began fueling this desire to streamline my stuff.  I thought that, if I died, I did not want anyone to have to sift through my “things”.  This was something I wanted to do.  That realization made me see all of my “collections” in a very different way – more like a burden than an achievement.  I also realized that I’d prefer to spend my money on “experiences” and not “things” so getting rid of my “things” really began to weigh on me.  More on that another time.)

To help me better address this claustrophobic feeling in my office space and how to best handle the overwhelm, I began a household “review” of my space, any unused space, and how best to feel less overwhelmed by my stuff.  Now, I don’t have a lot of stuff but what I do have is really unorganized and, frankly, overwhelming.  To experiment, I began to review my china cabinet and take an unsentimental assessment of my “things.” wine-glasses-176991__480I found that I owned over 40 different wine glasses for a person who does not drink wine.  These glasses have been unused in my cabinet for the past 20 years and have been screaming (OK, not literally) at me to use them.  What I “heard” was this: “I am made for celebrations and parties, not for display!” Glassware has a usefulness so I have always felt okay with collecting it.  However, my wine goblets and pretty crystal stemware were not being used for their intended purpose.  I decided to “rehome” most of them by donating most to my local Habitat for Humanity for resale.  I really believe these glasses were almost happy to be able to grace someone else’s home/table.  Feeling better, I added two platters that were unused (I have three left), two over-sized crystal vases, and some gently-used plastic cake/cupcake carriers.  Immediately, I felt like the energy in my dining room eased a bit: I felt really good about the donation and I realized that there was a bit more air for breathing.  On a roll, I removed a wall hanging from one of my walls in our foyer adjacent to the dining room that I had purchased on a whim and never quite liked.  In its place, I put an older art piece where I liked the aesthetic of the dark frame on a light wall.  I find myself drawn to that area of the house now because the aesthetic pleases me because the air feels lighter. Wow.

question-mark-3255136__480I began to wonder why that is?  How can the excess and free space impact me so immediately? I realized through my studies that “things” all have energy and operate at different levels of vibration.  Or, the science of physics.  (I call it ‘thing energy’ as opposed to ‘people energy’.  How original, right?) Some of us are more sensitive to ‘thing energy’ than others; some people can actually feel the vibrations of someone who may have owned the object at one time.  The latter situation is called psychometry which is not my issue for I don’t feel that so keenly and individually.  It is the energy (vibration, maybe?) of the collection of a lot of objects that feels like a wave of something that hits me square in the chest, and makes it difficult to breathe.  Like, I don’t have enough space to find the air in the room.  I’ve always felt “thing energy” quite keenly and am just realizing that my desire for an echoing room is to give myself more creativity and openness.  When I go into a crowded grocery store, I feel overwhelmed by the “stuff;” the same is true in a crowded Department store or anywhere there is a large accumulation of stuff.  I quickly leave the space, feeling claustrophobic and just a sense of overwhelm.  I noticed that I feel a bit like that in my office space, too, which has lead me to really take a critical look at the lack of organization in my office and the idea of the reset was born.

In my experiment and with a mind to my planned office reset, I began to wonder if having my things organized – or put away – tempers the feeling.  Like, if I did not have a china cabinet with glass doors but a buffet with solid wood doors, would the feeling be different because I could not visually “see” all of my things? Hmmm.  I’m not sure.  However, I am going to try an experiment this week on resetting my home office to see if removing and organizing my personal clutter will help me to be more creative and have less stress sitting at my desk.  I plan to remove all of the stuff in my office: desks, computers, chairs, printers, etc. and then place these back with a little more thought as to my desired minimalist aesthetic and concentrating on storage/organization with the goal of a clean desk.  I’d also like to create an area where I do my “work” and an area where I can be “creative.”  Right now, I see these as two distinctly different areas in my room; I wonder if I can change that based on removing or rearranging my stuff.  I’ve decided to also follow this particular YouTuber’s tips; her videos and delivery inspired me to also follow these guidelines.  I’m a new subscriber to her channel and look forward to learning more.  Here are some of her tips that I plan to follow:

1.) Figure out how much time you have and how much time it will take.

I’ve taken a week off of work so that I can separate this into some very doable tasks.  My first task will be to remove everything from the surface that is not heavy furniture.  This includes mail, inboxes, books, pen holders/containers, books (there are a lot of them!), and computer bags and accessories.  In applying the four principles, however, I realized that in order for me to apply #2, below, I need to begin in my guest bedroom to ensure that I have sufficient ability to clear out my office.  (Right now, my guest bedroom closet is spilling out onto the floor.  Dynasty-Dynasty-TV-Series-014It is filled with old formal wear that no longer fits, concert t-shirts from the 80s, empty hangers, and all of my holiday decorations.  It is time to clear that close because if my green blazer ever fit again, the shoulder pads would rival Joan Collins’ best day and, frankly, I’d never wear the jacket anyway unless it was Halloween and I was revisiting 40 years of history.)  Yes, my personal clutter has gotten so bad that in order to clear out an entire room of my house, I need to clear a place to put the stuff out of the way.) So, before I can even work on the office, I plan to de-clutter my guest bedroom closet first which, having done my own closet years ago, should be relatively straight-forward.  Once my guest bedroom closet is straightened up, I plan to then begin my office de-clutter.  (Now you know why I planned a full week for this.)

As I put things back into the office, I will then consider if I want to keep the item, addressing what purpose the item serves, and ensuring everything has its own place.  If the item does not have a place, then it is not needed and will be thanked for its service, and discarded or donated.  This allows me to get the office down to the walls and carpeting, and really get a feel for the office while also honoring the vibration of my “things.”

2.) Minimize distractions.

This will be difficult for me because moving and decluttering create their own “rabbit holes” of memories.  I like Nourishing Mom‘s idea of the “to put away” box which helps to keep me focused on the task and not going into another room to then work in that room.  However, because I realized that I will need to make room in my guest bedroom to temporarily move things from the study, I’ll need to separate this into two projects because I will find myself overwhelmed with now having two rooms to declutter.  flea-market-343123__340I’m already expecting that I will need to purchase cabinets and/or organizational tools to help me better place my things.  Before I just go out willy-nilly to purchase something, I want to be really sure on where it is, what it is, and how I will use it.  (See #4.)

3) Its going to take more than one pass.

I totally agree with the idea that both my guest bedroom closet and my office will need a few passes of critical assessment because after a while of making the hard decisions to relieve one of clutter, I can and do become a bit more emotional.  In the cleaning of my personal closet, it has taken me quite a few passes and, unfortunately, I did not pay attention to tip #4 below and have created a new mess for myself in my closet.  My closet organization is not as bad as before but can get there if I don’t soon intervene.

4) Avoid recreational shopping.

I realize now that I shopped out of boredom or wanting a new experience of buying a thing.  What I was looking for was a panacea of sorts, a relief from my mental burden where I stifled my creativity.  This is a lesson from the Pandemic that I’ve learned and wish to correct.  I used to enjoy shopping and would purchase anything I wanted because I could – even if I really couldn’t.  This created a poor habit of addressing my own mental discomfort through the purchase of a new dress or lipstick instead of addressing the real source of my unrest.  My shopping over the past 18 months has become very specific because a weekly excursion to the mall just wasn’t part of anyone’s plan.  The allowed me to see just how I’ve “coped” throughout my life, and be able to feel better by addressing the real issue.

That’s the plan for my office reset or starting over.  In researching the “how to” of my project, I found Joshua Becker’s channel quite helpful, too, and found that I already do many of his tips in this video.  This made me feel a bit better about my starting point and helped me to see that I can continue to improve.  I’m very curious to see that, if after I’ve completed my project, if I’ll feel different about sitting in the space, or if I’ll need to move my office into my foyer! I’m intrigued because of the idea that we are all energy fields that can be manipulated, including objects that would appear to be solid.  Every object in our world vibrates at different rates which creates their form.  There are millions of possibilities depending on the object, placement, temperature…the combinations are endless and miraculous, aren’t they?  When you think about the world at large, with all of the people, places, and things, the world is vibrating all around us.  How can you not feel overwhelmed at times?  Wishing you peace this July 4th.

[EDIT: And, as if the world is blessing this post, one of my favorite O.G. YouTubers, Renee Amberg, just posted this video.  I love Renee’s videos as they show her transitions and struggles which make me feel less alone in my own journey.  She discusses all things very honestly, openly and does not sugar-coat her experiences.  Definitely worth the watch just for the inspiration alone.]

Keto Update: For those of you keeping up with all things Keto, I’m still doing well.  Seeing some improvement on my psoriasis and my weight is stable.  It is going up and down since my carbohydrate restriction isn’t as low as I’d like it to be.  I’m under 100 carbs a day – usually around 50.  This works for my “right now” time as I continue to adjust.  I’m learning that there are some foods, while lower in carbohydrates, are not good for me to have in the house.  Dr. Atkin’s bars are something other worldly delicious and I’m not to be trusted with them. Yet.  In all things, there is progress.

 

Lessons from 2021 – January

capitol-281123__480This is a new series I will be starting as a reflection of the month that just passed.  I do so much living in my head with all of my best and worst memories keeping me company.  Instead of just keeping them all company myself, you, Dear Reader, will be pleased to hear that I would prefer to leave the past back in my rear view mirror.  Like many of you, we can do so much living in our memories that these experiences color our perspective of today.  Today cannot be compared to anything: past or future.  Sort of like, living in the present without the noose of the past, looking forward to what will be. (I highly recommend it.)

We made it through the first month of 2021 and many of us are already writing the year off and wishing for 2022 already.  During the first week of January – January 6th precisely – an attempted “coup d’état”  or a “coup” for short was had on the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, D.C.  For those of you who don’t believe that the definition applies, check the dictionary at the link to the word. I’ll wait until you come back. 

<Cue Jeopardy music.>

This “coup” was beyond a shadow of a doubt instigated by the sitting “president” of our country.  I quote the title because I’ve never seen less presidential behavior and we’ve gone through the gamut of behaviors.  The lesson, however, has been a deep one for me on how to handle adversity or disagreements – and what NOT to do.  Many times, this lesson of what not to do is actually more important than following someone’s example.  This realization gives one a viewpoint of the choice we all have during these moments of extreme emotion; a bit of a “step back” to really “see” the situation without emotions or without a “dog in the race” so to speak.  I think that  “stepping back” is my mantra for 2021.  The examination of life, today, versus what life was like at any past time is a comparison.  There are no emotions in the comparison if one just observes as if from the heavens, or “above it all.” (I like that saying because it just is a different perspective.  If you think that the term “above it all” is triggering, that may be something you can examine to help you.

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If we accept that what is in our “present” moment is truly all we can expect of ourselves, and that all is okay, how does that make you feel?  Better? Worse?  There is no right or wrong answer with feelings for they are just little tidbit indicators to us on our perspective.  It is the higher expectations that cannot be fulfilled that can create a feeling of defeat…or help me to adjust my expectations to something that feels better.  If you feel a sense of frustration, that is a cue to stop and examine why.  Frustration is our own internal barometer of our expectations.  Many of us feel frustrated as a response to something unknown or uncomfortable.  Our frustration, however, can be based on the expecation of our own personal performance…or a perception of a lack of performance.  We can see this in almost every aspect of life and we’ve never really been taught how to handle frustration in a constructive manner. Work, play…it is always there.  

Take my goal setting, circa 2020.  Last year, I began my normal “Cultivate What Matters” exercise.  I’ve found this tool extremely helpful in the past two years.  However, for 2020, everything just fell apart by March and my life was and continues to be barely recognizable to what was in February 2020.  My lack of control for anything really pressed me so much so that my “Cultivate What Matters” effort became very basic: Survival.  In March, I had planned to visit my family in Florida and, now, it has been almost two years since I’ve seen my mother and sister.  (The thought brings me to tears as I write this.) I have also been unable to see any of my husband’s family as they are over two hours away and the journey would require that we stop for a bathroom break which may be unavailable.  Then, we’d only be able to look at each other and the feeling of wanting a hug or touch would be overwhelming.  All of my relationships, friendships, and any plans I may have had were flushed down the toilet by the beginning of April 2020.

Boy, was I frustrated which resulted in a spiral of depression.  I realized about September – yes, I ruminated that long – that I can dwell on what I cannot change, become miserable and a crying blob, or I can focus on what is: The choice is mine.  Either is OK and each just gives me different living experiences.  Not good, not bad; these are valuations or judgments.  The experience is just different.  Last year, I chose the totally scrap my CWM and figure the BIG PICTURE of just how to survive.  Setting goals like finding an exercise class or art class were out if the gyms are shuttered and art classes cancelled.  Rather than crying over the spilled milk, I cleaned up the spill and poured another glass. Done.  What I’ve learned from the experience has helped me to grow in new ways – ways that I would have never been able to access pre-Pandemic.  I’ve been able to peel back the “onion” of my life with each layer resulting in my returning to memories for comfort.  In that rumination, I’ve been able to correct some judgments and to learn from the experiences as an adult.

During this process, I recognized that I had absolutely and unequivocably no control over anything outside of my response or reaction to life and living.   How I viewed the situation – or my perspective of the situation – would create the feeling of that situation for perspectiveme in my world, today.  My past experiences created judgments in me that I applied to the current day so, in effect, my life in the present was based on the judgments of my past.  If my judgments were “off” as, I imagine, is quite common with children having more “adult” experiences, how would these judgments impact my perspective for today’s world?  Dear Reader, it is simply this: I found I was using my prior experience to judge today and I was creating limitations for myself on what I thought was the limit – and not the true limit – for there are no limits except those that we assert on ourselves.

For a survival situation, the ability to make a quick and correct decision may be the difference between life or death.  Deciding on a can of vegetables in the grocery store tomatoes-1611589__480clearly is not “life or death” unless one is in The Last of Us, Part II, of course were a can of peas is a Godsend.   (Oh, such a great game, too! Don’t get me started. ) I’m seeing more clearly and I use my own self perception a bit differently.  Yes, I said “Use my own self” because I’ve realized that there is a lot more to me than this carbon based lifeform I currently occupy.  Resourceful ways. Exciting ways.  It is how we think of things that determines our perception.  Period.

Let me give you a real life example and you tell me which mental construct “feels” better to you.

Toby - with his favorite toys
Photo taken by Author

This is my dog, Toby.  He was adopted from a rescue shelter about eleven years ago.  He is 12-1/2 and is in good health.  There were a few points, though, where he almost died due to a genetic disposition to make bladder stones.  This happens in some Dalmatians, and Toby is one of these dogs.  We were twice given a choice: Surgery or die.  This was very traumatic for us as he is our baby and, like all animal parents, you feel like this little animal, who trusts you and depends on you, is relying on your decision-making skills.  His eating habits are very odd because of complications from these surgeries which resulted in poorly managed stomach acid during the his first surgery that scarred his esophagus making eating solid foods very difficult.  His esophagus narrowed so he is now on a mushy or liquid diet which takes some preparation.  This will probably be for the rest of his life.  It took us years to realize this because he cannot tell us what is happening!  Poor thing.  He is doing better and has a very strict diet that involves liquidizing or grinding his meals.  Given my work schedule and commute, my husband had the chore of feeding Toby twice a day and to give him his medicines to help manage the stomach acid.  With my working full-time at home now, I have taken over feeding him breakfast and his early morning medications, which is probably one of the highlights of my day.  Why?

It wasn’t always like this.  Due to the preparation, feeding Toby felt like a burden.  As I was preparing his breakfast one morning and felt that feeling of negativity – the burden – wash into me, I asked myself a question:  Is feeding Toby really a burden? Or, are you just used to feeling that way when you have something that is difficult to do?  That also got me thinking about the different energies and how a burden feels as opposed to a privilege.  Does my negative energy drift into the food I was preparing for my loyal and trusting canine? Oh, the thought of that really made me stop and realize that I get the opportunity to care for this little creature whose big brown eyes look at me in patient anticipation.  How could I ever think my sweet boy was a burden for me? I began to see my feeding him as the privilege it is – many people would have not been able to care for him.  He (and us) were so lucky to have him in our lives.  We have not had a proper vacation in many years as our boy cannot be boarded with such serious medical issues.  And, do you know something, both my husband and I believe ourselves blessed to care for him.

street-sign-141361__480Perspective – in our news and our lives – is so important to maintain.  When something doesn’t feel right to you, it helps to distance yourself and examine the situation without emotion, without judgment, and just be within the feeling.  I’m currently working through the idea of resistance and how the resistance to the feeling actually magnifies the situation.  I’ve come to also realize that how someone else “feels” is not really my business but their own.  If feelings are to help shape perspective, who am I to deny you, Dear Reader, the ability to shape your own world just how you’d like it to be…for you.

What an incredible January!  Peace.

 

The Wobble

I woke up one day. In waking up, I realized that my struggle of the day continued from the day before – and the day before that. Instead of beginning the day with the normal round of negative defensiveness, I began with wanting to understand the reason for my struggle. While lying in the warmth of bed (luxury), my thoughts turned to gratitude and the joy of being warm, comfortable, and surround by my loved ones. In that, I realized any struggle paled in comparison.

Through the lack of negativity and the overwhelming positivity, I recognized that the struggle was mine and based on perceptions of what I – or someone else – should be doing/being/behaving. The judgment that poured off me was startling and I felt the weight being removed from my shoulders in a physical feeling like one I had only known once before in my lifetime. (Another story.) Suffice it to say, I paid attention. A voice said to me you are just in the middle of learning.

Recognizing that I have something to learn in the experience is the wobble. It is our reluctance to own up to the wobble that keeps us in the wobble. Once you acknowledge your own wobble, you can begin to understand it and how you are benefitting from it. Believe me, you are benefitting from the wobble and, while it may not feel that way, the more positive the psychology, the better your outcome. It is my goal with this blog to help you in the wobble with information. This blog is my own personal experience as a professional wobbler resistor. It is not intended for medical or psychological treatment or guidance. It is my own view point. Take it or leave it.