Mindfulness Lessons from a Broken Trash Can

I broke my kitchen garbage can the other day. The can – this one – has a pedal that one must depress with their foot to open the lid. Below the pedal is a stabilizing metal bar that keeps the can from toppling forward when in use. The stabilizing bar is what broke…again.

This is supposed to be the trash can that can survive an apocalypse. The first time it broke was late last year and we chalked this up to a faulty mechanism or bad design. “Is nothing made as it used to be?” we wondered once again, lamenting for those good old days that were neither good nor long enough ago. We both turned into MacGyver, turning the can over, and assessing the situation. A strong adhesive to glue in the corners of the stabilizing metal bar and plastic fittings was completed. Crisis averted? Or, just delayed?

Last week, while depressing the foot petal to raise the lid, I heard that telltale sound of a crack to the stabilizing bar. Recognizing the sound, I stopped to check my own behavior, or to check in with myself. (This is new – paying attention. My ADHD internalized so much!) I’ve become more aware of my own participation in life and “things”, and my tendency to shove everything into an external blame situation. My mind began with “what a piece of crap” and stopped mid-thought with a new idea. Instead of blaming the poor kitchen receptacle that just sits in judgment of me, was there something I did that contributed to it breaking? Did I press too hard with my foot? (Enter sense of shame.) Just how sensitive is this thing anyway? (See, the habit is a hard one to break!)

That was when I recognized the issue I needed to handle was not about the trash can at all. In fact, it is the same issue with a new and exciting flavor: mindfulness with a dash of presence. Or, how can I get more out of my head. I’m being guided and shown this idea in a variety of situations. (Yes, guided. More on that topic to come.) Situations that are a lot more serious than a broken piece of a garbage can.

I learned that, in caring for my dying mother, the responsibility was so tremendous, and I felt honored and humbled by the turn of events. My sister and I took extra care of her, cleaning her, reading to her, talking to her, and ensuring her comfort… just like when she did for us as babies. We kissed her, loved on her, and tried to be the best daughters to the best mother in the world. This required my full attention and presence. When I was distracted, I effortlessly pulled my focus back to my mother. This was a life and death situation and needed me totally aware so the correct decisions were made. Since then, my husband and I also cared for our dying and much beloved dog, Toby, which was also an honor of a different kind – yet, it taps the same feelings of love and protection but with differing angles. In caring for Toby, I found myself becoming angry at “having to do” and did not like the feeling at all! I didn’t understand these emotions as they felt disingenuous and conflicted with my heart. These new emotions did not honor nor represent my feelings for my beloved miracle pet and felt just wrong. So, instead of squelching this into some new package, I felt the emotions. These were sadness, loss, grief, and a sense of loneliness – and the same emotions I felt in processing these losses. What was I to learn by these events?

What changed in both of these situations was me: my mindset of gratitude and acceptance of both the situation and myself. I allowed myself to feel these emotions in a more healthier way. I cried, hugged, cooked, cleaned – all the physical things to make my body as tired as my mind felt. Sleep and distraction were also my friends along with a dose of “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” Such a difficult yet educational time in my life that I’m glad I learned something from these situations!

Now, back to the can. I accepted that I heard a crack and that I had once again broken the can. Stopping mid-stride away from the can, I began to assess just what happened. Being in the present moment – or being mindful of this moment – was key for me. The crack of the can brought me out of a state of unawareness and into a present sense of reality. The ideas of being mindful and being present are issues I have been working on in myself for a while now through a program of meditation. You see, my particular brand of ADHD is dreamy and very internal. I can drift off in my mind to some other place and am not be fully present during a conversation. Usually something said will trigger something in my brain and I get transported to another place. Trauma meets ADHD – or life floating on a cloud. Sounds nice, right? Not really. In serious conversations, I would frequently lose the thread of the conversation. I used to try and engage the speaker so I could grasp this weakening conversation thread only to interrupt the speaker and distract them in the same way that I was also distracted. Then, because I was very good at recovery (practice makes perfect), I could interject a few words here, sound amazing, and the speaker would just be left confused.

This is a key aspect of my brand of ADHD and my neurodivergent brain –or my personal superpower. It is a learned response and not necessarily a good one. I can mentally travel years in a single second! Forward or – sometimes in reverse. Yet, my memory is for shit. During these times – it’s not always – I would be yelling at myself for this habit, chastising myself for being selfish or standoffish, and not even having a correct recollection due to my own distraction! (Imagine living in THAT place?) “Why can’t I pay attention?” I’d lament to myself. “How…” insert label here “…stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean…..are you? You name it, I’ve called myself this name. Many times over. Thinking this was abnormal and that I was broken. Yes, maybe this isn’t normal but it is MY normal – and I have a legitimate physical reason for the behavior. I’m not stupid/dumb/ugly/fat/awful/mean for this.

Today, I am in a place of acceptance. I’m not selfish or standoffish – as my mother used to say to me. I’m DISTRACTED by my own thoughts that are now layering in yours and getting all jumbled up and confused. Sometimes I need to stop and re-frame my thinking – and ask for time needed to ‘catch up’ or for someone to repeat themselves. This can be very difficult for the person speaking and has caused troubling interactions and unintended offense. Today, I’ve learned that this tendency originates from a neurodivergent brain. This diagnosis gave me the ability to accept ADHD as part of me, an explanation for certain behaviors. This is not my entire identity but gave me greater awareness and, thus, the ability to create positive behavior strategies.

Or, I stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself. I am accepting my mental dreaming as part of my own personal human uniqueness. This is why the ADHD diagnosis is so important. It explained so much and gave me the ability to accept what is and without the condemnation of self. This wasn’t a behavior problem to be solved. My issues were my natural coping mechanism and my ability to focus and be present.

I began to see the trash can more as a mirror for me to recognize that I was doing something wrong. No, wrong isn’t quite correct. That is my old self talking. Today, I’m doing something out of congruence with my feelings. Self-acceptance is very powerful and a key tool for me. What am I being told by the breaking of the stabilization bar? Well, obviously I’m using too much pressure on the can with my foot.

So, instead of complaining about the can or being angry at something breaking, I became curious. Why is the pressure I’m using breaking this can feature? Is it my superhuman foot strength that has never been in evidence before? Should I take my newfound strength to the NFL as a field goal kicker? I must be really strong, no?

No.

A fun and meandering argument with myself takes me out of the shame loop and gave me space between thoughts. This was when I realized I was needing be be more mindful and see the situation in the moment. Here is what happened: Instead of stopping and opening the lid with my foot, I walked towards the can mid-stride to open the lid while simultaneously walking away from the can. Economical, aren’t I? I “walked” by the can to open the lid while on my way somewhere else. This caused too much pressure to be used. Or, I was too busy just to stop and use the garbage can. Isn’t that something of a realization? Too busy to focus on pressing a pedal with the correct amount of pressure.

Trust me, I never, ever want to be that busy. The idea of slowing down, paying attention to the pressing of the foot pedal, raising the can lid within a state of mindfulness was appealing to me. I wasn’t sure why and I had to think on this point. Why does the idea of slowing down appeal to me? The idea reminded me of Aki and his content created on YouTube in his Samurai Matcha channel. He has a video linked here that I have watched a few times on cleaning. These are not “how to” videos but “why” and, importantly, how one engages their mind in the physical act of cleaning. I had not done this in my kitchen cleaning duties. Aki has had quite a few physical challenges of late where mindset has been key. His ideas of cleaning translated to mindfulness in very serious health situations, too. Just how powerful is this idea?

Once again, back to the can. I realized that I was not being present or mindful in my cleaning activities as Samurai Matcha recommends. Apparently, I automatically labeled my situation in my head as a chore or being mundane or unimportant. These ideas are what caused me to gloss over the moment and seeking the important things outside of my current activity – or increased my distraction. If I see the moment as unimportant, I am missing the joy of the activity. How can I see all moments as important? Well, one must first have the realization that they have not applied the most helpful mindset for this particular moment. I had not even realized that I had even labeled the idea of pushing the foot pedal as anything other than a chore on my way to something else. This slight cracking noise of the breaking connection totally took me out of the mental reverie I didn’t even know I was in because I was physically busy. Interesting idea.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is a lesson in most everything in life. So, I’ve stopped trying to actively change myself and am trying to become more of an observer. This is a struggle that I’m finding a constant yet rewarding battle with my ego. I’m doing OK. I do have certain behaviors that do not please me for any reason other than wanting to be happier. Mindfulness – or presence – in even the mundane can be a struggle. Sometimes, life throws an experience for you to learn the simplest of ideas – like a broken trash can. Being mindful feels like slowing down. Yet, is mindfulness truly slower? Or, our natural state. I like to think they are both the same thing.

Peace.

Lessons from Adversity

In life, we can have easier roads and those that are more challenging. What I’m realizing is that, just because the journey is a challenge, doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t travel down said road. If we can put our emotions aside during those challenging times and focus on moving through and past whatever “it” is, do we always just move past without learning anything? Isn’t that what life truly is? A journey of learning? What happens when I just sit in the situation to observe it while, simultaneously, not rushing to fix the situation? Hmm.

Right now, my husband and I are caring for our aging dog, Toby. He will be 16 next month and, for a dog of his size, he has been on borrowed time for a few years. Toby, however, has a genetic condition that has made his care extremely precarious and, at times, very costly. Yet, Toby handles this all with the same cute face and attitude. Watching how he navigates what only can be said is a very confusing time for him has taught me so much about myself. What I would have lost had I not just sat during these times – as uncomfortable as they are – just to see how I could grow from the experience. Don’t opportunities for growth come out of ALL experiences? Can I make a difficult time be a welcome opportunity for growth just like happy times are welcome? In the difficult and challenging situations, we just may not realize that we are growing until the situation has passed because the feeling is not desired. We are so worked up about the emotions of the situation that we don’t see our own potential for growth through the challenge.

I don’t know about you but I really like a happy moment better than a moment that involves cleaning up bio messes! There is no glory in this level of care. No rewards from your co-workers. No “Atta Girl!” for standing outside with Toby at 2AM while he pretends to do his business. (Oh, I’m on to him!) All of these “chores” are handled quietly and within a certain dignity and respect. I started to view the aging process a bit differently in trying to gauge my emotions over my failing and devoted canine companion. Aging can be viewed as a necessity of living or the acquisition of a greater amount of knowledge of the world and myself. Personally, I like the latter way of thinking because one is truly more mindful than the other and it is this – mindfulness – that I’m striving to perfect.

Mindfulness is a broad term so let me explain the context. I have found that, in my ADHD journey, I thrive on mental stimulation as my brain loves to turn over ideas and creations. (One of my reasons for sharing so many crafting project ideas!) This stimulation can be driven both internally – like me – and externally. The external stimulation is much more nuanced in that we really believe we have a choice of just how much external “noise” we will allow. The “noise” isn’t always loud and in your face. The quiet sound of the refrigerator motor or air conditioning is also stimulation. In a person with ADHD, these noises all jumble up and become really aggravating so I retreat internally to work on balancing these two sources. Or, when you are speaking to me and I get a far away look on my face, I have not been listening and even I never realized that fact until that moment. Many times, I have my “to do” list running in my head as you are speaking. No, not deliberately….well, mostly not deliberately. (LOL!) I’m just afraid I’ll forget something (cue Executive Function and ADHD) and haven’t taken the time to write this really important thing I’m going to forget into my notes or planner. (This also explains why I gravitate towards paper planners!) Or, in a moment of creative genius, I resolved whatever problem I had been tossing around in my head (for there is always thinking going on) and cannot execute on the idea because I’m talking to someone on the phone. Thinking I can be doing two things at once? The ultimate self-deception. Sure, I can do two things and each one gets a split of my attention that is available while I’m externally working and also thinking about cooking dinner. Nothing I work on gets my full attention and this deficit is really keenly felt. It gets into the over-stimulation of distraction.

This tendency to distraction rules my thinking almost exclusively which ramps up my over-stimulation. (Actually, I didn’t even realize this was “a thing” until watching this YouTuber who makes the most pleasing and calming videos. The idea of over stimulation was something I accepted in myself but did not understand.) With ADHD, there is now clarity for me as I’ve learned that I seek the stimulation as part of a hormonal surge that, once completed, leaves me feeling really high only to fall really low. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more artistic to balance my need for mental stimulation through creation and not thought. Or, trying to get myself out of my head. My morning routine involves some sort of technical connection (phone), and a really external focus (e.g., news, social media, cat videos, etc.). This morning, however, I decided to things differently because Toby needed my assistance. And, as a result, I’m now writing a blog post and doing something more creative than ‘doom scrolling’ arrest videos. It occurred to me that, by caring for my beloved pet, I actually was kinder to myself. WOW!

Yesterday, to test this theory, I handled my day as normal. However, whenever I had the urge to pick up my phone, I didn’t. I diverted my attention to something I had wanted to do but never had the time. (OK, it was vacuuming.) I felt so good about setting my bedroom up with a clean and fresh-smelling carpet (lavender oil) and would have missed this opportunity to feel good by watching another video of criminal lawyer reacts. (I do love me some Bruce Rivers!) Distraction is helpful for me to release some pressure; a fun vacation. Mindfulness – or managing my stimulation – is really helpful. Knowing that there is a difference? The WIN!

Peace.

An Unexpected Turn Brings Clarity

This is a blog post that will change everything for me. Sometimes, we have such a profound experience that the experience must create a new path or trajectory for our life. This is one of those moments that I’m sharing in the hopes that someone else impacted by this can obtain additional information and seek treatment. Here is my story thus far – more to come. And, this is a story of my own personal joy. Joy at having found an answers I didn’t understand I was seeking.

In the path of our lives, we realize certain personality quirks or traits that we accumulated or were taught through the observation and emulation of others’ behaviors. This can be a parental influence or some other authority figure which then creates a weight with us. Like “Mom must know, she is always right about these things” or “Dr. So-and-so said that blah, blah, blah….”. We take whatever that is and adapt it into our own traits in a type of maladaptive behavior without truly understanding. There is a cost to this which we pay in various ways which I’m realizing can eat at one’s own person/being. Bite by bite, the cost can be felt at various key moments yet they aren’t tied back to the original source of the issue but whatever is being reflected in that moment. We take the moment, process it, and move on but fail to consider another causality. Another possible reason.

I’ve been spending the past two weeks with my mind really cooking up a glorious buffet of possibility. I’m letting my big brain run amok – giving it permission to ramble and meander through some of the mental dust I’ve gathered over the past five or so decades, and sift through the memories of what…well….was. I’m referring to my thinking as my “big brain” by design for I’m learning so much about how I think and the experiences from this journey. Learning from the past to change my present has always been one of my hallmark behaviors. This “lack of control” of my big brain is not my normal course but, frankly, I’m really tired. Exhausted. Tired of fighting my big brain. So, I’ve let the brain run amok, unfettered, like a horse which senses the freedom that running provides. My big brain is cascading over its retaining walls of controls that I have created over the course of my lifetime. My big brain is leading me on a variety of adventures and, you know what? My exhaustion is slowly fading with the understanding that this rambling is, for me, my normal behavior – and is OK.

Wow. I’m OK.

I’m doing this “big braining” on purpose – an experiment if you will – based on an “ah-ha” moment of realization….the realization that my brain may not work the same as other’s brains. Or, my “Eureka!” moment finally arrived.

My husband and I were having a tired argument of my not listening to him. I say it is tired because he always has the same complaint and my answer to him was always that I am listening to him I just can’t process what he is saying as I miss parts in my head. I cannot imagine how frustrating that may feel for him – you’ll note here that HE is my first concern, not me. (I’m a classic people pleaser.) This time, I decided to Google the terms relating to why I miss what someone says either the beginning or the ending of their statements. (I find I lose my train of thought with most people so this is not a husband/wife thing. In leadership training, this was a problem for me as well.) Usually, I find a lot about active listening: how to listen, engage, and reflect to the individual. (This may be why I write a lot about communication in this blog?) I began to read again on active listening to find that “thing” I’m doing wrong, or not doing at all. This is my normal M.O.: Find out was is wrong and fix it. The data the Google search returned was not quite correct for my situation. Further refinement was made and – Holy Moley! – I got the shock of my life: ADHD? Naaaaaaahhhhh.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Hyper? (WT proverbial F! GOOGLE! How stupid are you?) I’m not hyper and am carrying an extra 100 pounds on my frame to prove it. Yes, well, my brain is very hyperactive. Am I impulsive? No, not really…NOW. (Actually, in editing this, I must admit I am still impulsive but I’m selectively impulsive and my 100 lipsticks prove it!) I think we all have a bit of impulsiveness in us but, when the impulsivity leads us to bad situations, it becomes an issue. How about the time I spent $1,000 at 18 on skis and boots because I was going to become a downhill skier? Unfortunately, I ran out of money because I bought this all on my first credit card and used the entire credit line for the skis and boots. Bindings? Couldn’t afford them – and skis are useless without them. (Took me three years to pay that off.) My father used to joke with me that it would be cheaper for me to wash my clothing and not keep buying new. Most of the new clothes, however, would not fit long and were for a body that I did not have. I really spent money I didn’t have until I was on my own, hungry, with no money. I also got tired of ducking bill collectors. (Yes, that person was ME!) I really began to be able to save money when I met my husband who is a very good saver. My saving habit thus far had been involuntary 401K deductions for the idea of retirement and needing to fend for myself. I mirrored him on his spending and saving habits. And, because he was so good with money, I became better and began saving because I was saving for us….not just me anymore.

Mirroring is something I became very good at doing – naturally. I mirrored every boss I ever worked for until I found something that was off in them which created an issue in me. I would meltdown into goo and try to figure out what happened and how I can “fix” myself. I moved from California to New York without ever having been to New York. Why? My mentor, who I emulated, was not the person I thought and I needed a different mentor – and found a new one across the country. In this journey, however, I found I was never true to myself. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted in life for I wasn’t sure a choice was every presented. What was hammered into me at a very early age was that I am the only person who can take care of myself and that I needed to do whatever I could to ensure that I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and a bit of cash in the bank. Period.

Circle back to today. The ADHD possibility and my hyperfocused research in the area has stirred up some painful and long dormant memories that, when seen in an ADHD light, clearly show a pattern of an issue that would have been helped had I received proper treatment as a child. (I have family who will remain nameless who could be the poster child for ADHD and has not received ANY treatment.) My issue began at age 8 when, in fourth grade, I was caught cheating on my math homework. (I didn’t do the homework as it was boring.) I also could not organize the assignments because this teacher gave them out verbally and I did not have the ability to take this abstractly stated messaging into actionable steps; I needed help that I didn’t get. The year was 1971 and, if I wasn’t the kid running around in the class, I was not considered hyper even though my mind was out of control. I’ve since learned how to set up myself for success thinking I needed visual cues as I was a ‘visual learner’…and this path took many years of sheer grit. Using an external release ‘valve’ was also how I finally succeeded in college: On line. Lectures in college were torture – so much so that I’d rather have my teeth pulled out without anesthesia then to sit in a lecture about something I had little to no interest in. I’d fall asleep, snoring loudly. Or, I’d need to get up or would fidget by tapping my toes in my shoes. I learned that, in order to complete my college work, I would need to give into my desire to be physically active so I could distract myself and concentrate on the assignment. This physical work allowed my mind to tumble the paper and research so that I could write my paper…and always at the last minute. (I would set up strategies of how I could chunk out the tasks yet could not do what I knew would help me or make my project easier.) I also had the benefit of a clean house. (Yay for #smallwins!) I learned that I could also distract myself by eating – something salty and crunchy. The sound of the crunch and the tactileness of the salty chip allowed me to focus on reading. These worked for me and I had no idea that these are very typical of someone with ADHD.

The results of being caught cheating? I really don’t recall as I was not punished or spoken to and, up until this moment, it never occurred to be to ask why. My parents told me at that time that I was smart but lacking in social skills. (Or, I was immature – still am. LOL) I got the information correct but the teachers could not see my work. I was smart, but the details were way too confusing to me and I didn’t know how to express this. It felt like I was deficient. (I actually discovered the same trait in my professional career, too. TLDR (Too Long Didn’t Read) should be my initials.) I believe I may have been thought “willfull” in my lack of attention because I could be super-focused to the point of indistraction if I was interested…and, for heaven’s sake, don’t ever try and talk to me while having the television playing. I can guarantee you I will not be hearing you. I’ll see your mouth move, yes. I won’t, however, be able to process what you are saying to me. This has been my running joke: If you want to distract me, turn on the TV. In medical offices, I’ve learned to turn my back to the TV or I can zone out on HGTV.

What I also recall being discussed was my reading comprehension where the teacher would read and I would need to answer verbally-given questions. If she read something I liked, I was there. However, if the materials were boring or my head was particularly spacey that day, I would just go off into my own little world of dreams. The teacher became the “blah, blah, blah” so common in the Peanuts character shows. No one bothered to ask me because I was smart enough to cover this lack. I created little coping mechanisms throughout my years which helped me “deal”. I believe I was labled as “willful” and assigned special seats in class as a result of my coping. My parents were told that my problem was that THEY didn’t speak English to me at home. What I believe occured is that my parents were treated with unconscious bias because they spoke heavily accented German so my issues, my teachers surmised, were from their lack of language skills.

What the teachers failed to “get” was that my parents DID NOT TEACH US GERMAN. Having lived through WWII Germany, they immigrated to the U.S. to give their family a better life…so they taught us English so we could be successful. My issue was that I was inattentive because my big brain couldn’t be managed – I did not yet possess those tools. I, too, blamed myself for my inability to focus but my focus – or lack of focus – was inconsistent. (That didn’t matter for this was and is still seen by me as a personal failure.) I could not make myself sit through things I thought were boring or uninteresting – even if I needed the class. I began working at 17 full time to compensate for my inability to sit in a classroom….and NO ONE NOTICED! I didn’t apply for college….had the applications but couldn’t organize them to figure things out. My IQ tested off the charts yet I went to Community College and flunked out as I could not sit in lectures and became very spacey with homework.

The idea of ADHD brought back all of my life and things just began to click into place. All of my habits I’ve created to cope. All of my odd behaviors and the genus of these. My lack of attention let me believe I was a bad friend or partner. A personal failing or that I was a failure. I write about the really critical voice I named “Leroy” which is typical of one with ADHD. I had no idea and wrote of these things as if we all had them – and I was sharing information you may not have considered. The hypercritical thinking was diagnosed as depression, body dysmorphia, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). These may be true but there is another cause: Untreated ADHD. Yep. ALL OF IT CAN BE TIED TO THIS.

I’m seeing my doctor next week. If this is, in fact, the cause of my situation, I cannot imagine the profound difference being treated will make for me to just ease up a bit in my mind. To be able to gauge my current impact, I have begun to identify my various coping mechanisms and overthinking habits to cease them in an attempt to mentally rest. My appointment is in the afternoon and I’m considering cancelling my entire day so I don’t forget and can get there on time. This is classic ADHD behavior that, in the past, Leroy would have said I didn’t need to do that and would have corrected me. Now that Leroy is on vacation, I wonder what trouble I’m going to get into?

The moral of my story is this: Don’t rest until you get your answer and don’t judge when the answer is unexpected. This is where ADHD is a super power.

Peace.

Author’s edit: While reviewing this post, I’ve gotten up, used the restroom, put a load of laundry in the dryer, made another cup of coffee, and have returned to be able to focus. Yes, I already had laundry going when I began this post! If I’m not always simultaneously doing at least two things at once, I think I’m failing at life. Also, some progress. When I woke up this morning, I thought it was Monday and began to prepare for work. Concerned, I checked that a storm was coming in (Monday) and wondered who won the Super Bowl. ”Wasn’t that yesterday?” I thought. Hmmm….was a few moments before I realized that the game hadn’t been played as yet. Or, that it was really Sunday and not Monday. No Leroy to yell at me for getting this wrong and I’m OK just being me.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 3: Depression/Anxiety Lane

As I write this blog post, I am enjoying some vacation time. My journey is continuing and I’m making real progress, both mentally and physically. My emotions are less varied and my tolerance and patience for myself – and others – is growing. I can feel my mind just becoming clearer and clearer with each day. How wonderful my journey has been thus far and I can see myself moving from Depression/Anxiety Lane to a new home on Beautiful Life Way. This will be a shorter post because this subject is really critical for people and I in no way wish to minimalize or trigger any feelings. If you suffer from these conditions, please seek help. Be your own counsel, and use common sense. My journey is my own and I’m sharing this to help others seek their own help.

I learned that I felt better when I ate sugar. Candy gave me a lot of energy; the crash was bearable because I could always eat more candy if I felt poorly. Candy led to cake and I used to joke that I could be happy eating cake for dinner. (Thinking about this now gives me a queasy stomach.) My weight ballooned as I tried diet after diet, only to be pulled back into the sugar web of desires. Here is what my experiences in life have taught me:

Moderation/Restriction does not work for an addict.

If one is an alcoholic, do we just tell them to have one less drink a day? Or, if I’m a heroin addict, is the solution “just do a little in moderation” very beneficial? (NO!) Did you know that sugar has the same effect on the brain as heroin? So, the answer to reduce your cake portion seems absurd. This does not work. In a heroin addict’s situation, however, there is a methadone solution which I equate to use of artificial sweetners. In this, I have been able to sustain my focus by using Splenda in my coffee. That sweetness has become a bit much and I’m slowly reducing my use of that product, too.

Eating whole foods that do not convert to sugar is another key aspect of my journey. It is not just reducing sugar intake, it is also about reducing how my body treats the food I ingest. Or, if I eat sugar or if my food turns into sugar, I have the same reaction: Addiction. This addiction results physical and emotional responses that can include anxiety and depression. I realized that in my changing and emerging knowledge about myself and the possible correlations to my desires for sugar, I’m seeing through the veil of mental cloudiness so much clearer than ever before. I’ve replaced my dopamine source to one that is more sustainable: physical movement.

One thing I have learned is that our obstacles create opportunities for growth. Addiction, whatever it is, may help us to realize that there are larger problems at play which are expressing themselves through our choices (or addictions). The journey to wellness is not a paved road but one which contains pot holes, detours, missing bridges, and seems to go for miles. Just remember that every journey must begin somewhere. Just start and let the beginning continue to be your guide post.

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 2: Gut Service Road & the Gut Health Highway

In New York State, we have what are called ‘service roads’ on the side of some of the parkways. When I first moved to the East coast, this was a new phenomenon that I witnessed mostly on Long Island; these are streets that run parallel to the main road and allows people to enter and exit without many barriers. This also allows emergency vehicles to easily bypass traffic snarls to get to the problem. I see my gut health journey very similarly where I am the road, the traffic becomes snarled, and I take the service road to exit and try and address the cause of the traffic snarl. I’ve been on this road a long time and have had many traffic jams where the service road, or alternative thinking, allowed me to bypass the snarl and continue on my journey. The second milemarker is an important one because these issues are foundational, and I have discovered that fixing my gut may be key to my overall health improvement.

My gut issues began as a teenager, caused by both anxiety (I will explain this in a later post from Depression/Anxiety Lane) and overuse of antibiotics for teenage cystic acne. (I was on tetracycaline for almost a year. The acne was, I believe, a result of overeating of processed foods. My mother told me it was too much chocolate. I hate to admit that she was somewhat correct but I’ve discovered that my issues were both sugar and, more recently, the common oil ingredients found in processed foods.) As a child, I also suffered from mysterious allergies that caused sinus issues, headaches, coughing, mouth lesions, and assorted hay fever type of sympoms. Additionally, around the age of five, I was exposed to an outbreak of some bacteria from a public drinking fountain. This was also immediately treated as I had developed significant painful and puss-filled lesions in my mouth and was told to gargle with hydrogen peroxide. I cannot recall if I was given any other medications for the bacteria exposure; I do recall I started an alert for the local health department. 😀 For my ‘sinus conditions’, the doctor prescribed ‘Dimetapp’ which was only available by prescription. The year was 1969-ish and I drank this sweet grape syrup for years between the ages of 6 and 10. As a child, I was not allergy tested as the Dimetapp seemed to handle the effects of whatever was ailing me and the thought was that these symptoms would be outgrown.

I believe that these treatments had negative impacts to my gut which was exacerbated by food sensitivies yet to be diagnosed. These two factors (use of antibiotics and allergy medications) created a soup of sugar dependency and food sensitivities that ultimately lead me to a number of medical conditions including cancer. When I began to present with my first stomach issue, I was 16 years old. I took myself for my first ‘adult’ appointment to a gastroenterologist who gave me a diagnosis that, frankly, I don’t even remember. I think I was told to use antacids and needed to buy stock in the Tums company. Wouldn’t diet have been a topic that should have been covered? My weight had skyrocketed from 140 to over 215 pounds in about three years. This event, too, was seen as a my ‘personal failure’ by the medical establishment – and it never occurred to anyone to question this assumption. The only guidance I was provided by my family, friends, and doctors: Don’t eat as much. (This should have been called “How to Develop an Eating Disorder.”) In looking back, I recognize (and, importantly, accept) that volume of food was never my issue. I’m learning that it was the type of food and how my body reacted to it. My choices as a teenager and adult leaned into processed (fast) foods even though my genetics really would not support these ‘foods.’ I was raised differently. In hindsight, I had become addicted to the sugar “high” of the processed carbohydrate, and the resulting hormonal imbalances.

In my twenties and thirties, I had GERD, acid reflux, and all kinds of biological responses that were so innumerable, I can’t even recall the path. I also presented with physical symptoms resulting from massive stress, both physical and mental. I was diagnosed with PCOS having suffered through all kinds of female hormonal disasters. Again, no help. I received a seasonal affective disorder and body dysmorphia diagnosis at 30, or depression. (I have learned that this, too, for me, is gut related.) At 35, I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome and was told there was nothing that could be done. (I now have learned that this is not true. My current endocrinologist who has diagnosed me with pre-diabetes stated that this diagnosis should have been a ‘heads up’ for me.) High blood pressure, thyroid cancer, gallbladder removal, and the psoriasis were clear signs – if someone were paying attention – that there was something significantly wrong. We treat each issue as its own problem, don’t we? Why would we do this if these symptoms are all in one person?

What I realize now in reviewing my journey, this viewpoint resulted in mistreatment by the medical establishment. My ‘issues’ were never seen as a part of something else because that physician was only focused on my gastric condition and not my overall health; there was too much volatility in my daily condition to really give an accurate diagnosis. Food, however, fed this variability but was never seen as part of the problem. The doctor did not consider what got me to their office examining table which, in my opinion, needs to be part of the assessment conversation. The term for this type of practice is ‘functional medicine’ However, our medical establishment does not focus on prevention but on treatment. In this article for a pre-natal care study, six countries with varying medical systems demonstrate that the cost of these systems for preventative treatment is more beneficial than the U.S. model of treating once diseased. Given the costs, it would appear that prevention has a greater financial benefit to a system that is based on treatment. While the study is old, another more recent study that discusses prevention actually created a quasi-road map to improving preventative treatment. Instead, the U.S. government attempts to gut these provisions. (Yes, that is true.) This behavior does not create a positive prognosis for the future of preventative health management. It is the younger generation which concerns me for they may not have the perspective needed to properly evaluate and challenge bad doctoring. This happened to me in 1979, and continues today.

Dietary restriction has always been the answer I was provided for most of anything that I had which required medical attention. Sprained ankle? You need to lose weight. Psoriasis? What are you doing to lose weight? I actually had a doctor ask me if I knew what a carbohydrate was…I told him that I did not get this weight by not understanding eating. In fact, I felt that doctors actually blamed me for my illnesses or injuries, having written me off based solely on my weight. The self-blame (really, it is shame) I used to carry is now gone for I understand that I was caught in a “Catch 22” of self-blame (shame) which caused my disordered eating views and the physical cravings for more sugar. In working to eliminate the self-blame (shame), I realized that the idea of restriction is an old style of thinking and does not work for my long term health. However, I do need to change my eating to help my gut which may include some form of restriction or ‘moderation’, right? My thinking has always focused on a mindset of: Eat ‘right’, exercise, and stay away from ‘bad’ foods. My knowledge included what should have been my course of action yet I could never take any action! To anyone who listened, I used to say that if I could figure out my ‘how’ I would be successful. In many ways, I was waiting for the momentum to be created and, finally, recognized that I needed to create my own momentum. The momentum created my ‘how’ – and this realization is what I wish for you.

How is this done, you may ask? I think I have found my own answer – and this is the key. Individual assessments must be made which cannot be ‘wholesalely’ marketed. (Again, prevention is hard to sell.) And, don’t underestimate your current mental state and the impact of your diet! While this post is a discussion of gut health, there is a correlation between gut health and mood or personality disorders. If the gut ‘feeds’ one’s mood disorders, how does one break a cycle of poor self image? In 1979, there was no path forward for me. In 2023, however, I now have a path forward. It took 44 years but I think I finally have an answer. What I now realize in writing this series of posts regarding my current journey, there was no consideration for me, as a teenager, presenting with very severe symptoms. I was compartmentalized into a medical ‘type’ and written off as having a self-induced sick when I followed medical guidance and guidance on a proper diet. Weight was not seen as a medical result of something but of a personal failure.

And, here is a more recent example of said failure which solidified these viewpoints. In my last doctor visit in March of this year, the proverbial camel’s back was broken by that psoriatic straw. In this visit, my psoriasis was, apparently, a surprise; I was asked if I needed a dermatological referral. I actually thought she was joking as I had been seriously discussing this with her for YEARS. YEARS! I decided I was done and the realization that I was on my own in helping myself became a drum beat or cadence on how I was going to move forward. My path is now clear.

Footnote: As I write this, I’m down 32 pounds and not through restriction. I’m making smart choices and determining what foods help me to thrive, and those which do not. I’m feeding my body what it likes to perform at its best. Interestingly, I learned that soybean oil makes me really sluggish and depressed. I also found I’m sensitive to sunflower oils which give me cramping, GERD, diarrhea, and, frankly, also foul mood. (With all of that bathroom stuff going on, it’s no wonder I was cranky! LOL) And, in doing my own reconnaisance, I found that sunflower oil is in a lot of our foods because it is supposedly superior. (Note who sponsored this story.) There is also science that debunks the current belief that seed oils, including sunflower oil, are bad for you. What isn’t discussed are the possible food sensitivities a person may have because the gut is not right. (BTW, this link is a very interesting article from the Cleveland Clinic that should be required reading for anyone with a stomach.) The moral of this story? Don’t accept the status quo. Follow your gut.

A New Day, An Old Me

Hello, and welcome back.

It has been quite some time since my last post in which I discussed my struggles with depression in the loss of my mother. This last year has been a real roller coaster of emotions where the unresolved is resolved, and where the broken is put back together again, many times held together with some duct tape.

Does the duct tape make me stronger? Or, are the cracks so deep that they are irreparable? I’m not sure and, like life, time will definitely tell. I like to think that the cracks, held together with the sticky duct tape, make me stronger for I know where my weaknesses are now, don’t I? Because of the crack, I’ve been able to define why the crack exists and how to repair the crack to create a new sense of stability.

I wondered if grief works this way, too, but in a much more subtle way or with invisible duct tape. Grief can create a mirror of our lives which then reflect the many facets of reflection. We may see areas in the reflection that may not be our proudest moments. We may see the opportunity in the mirror for a little growth, too. Through death, I’ve been able to reflect on what I want in life, and where those areas might be ‘shaded’. As we walk along a certain path, these events happen for us to pause, reflect, and make course corrections. If anything comes out of death, the event does breathe a different type of living into us, doesn’t it? Like a reminder of our own mortality. We can decide to grieve the rest of our days – and that is okay. Or, we can honor the person and create more lasting memories with other loved ones in celebration of this thing we call life. I’m for the latter.

In my career, I’ve been eligible for retirement for a few years now. (Frankly, the money wasn’t quite right.) My gut told me to stick it out and, thankfully, I did. Working through the Pandemic has really been a game changer for me in that I continued to have a sense of normalcy while the world seemed to fall apart around me. The death of my mother was really the final straw that broke the old me which didn’t really fit into my new reality. While the world seemed to be simultaneously shifting while standing still, I did the same. Or, I stopped fighting the flow of things. Stopped seeing the problems before they exist, thinking that by some miracle, I could prevent whatever it was I saw happening. I usually did prevent these events from occurring. Or, so I thought.

You see, I found things that might happen and set myself up for that eventuality. In doing this activity, I was never really present because I was always looking for the next ‘shoe to drop’. (This habit is so common, there is even a saying!) Recognizing that this mindset took me out of my present moment, I began a course of training to help me determine my well-being goals and the track by which I could achieve a new outlook. This began with my signing up for a single training that appealed to my more analytical side and helped me on this current path of self-care. My beginning was very minor and fit my needs at that time. As a result of this intensive work, I was able to shift my perspective and improve my overall mental well-being. Let me add that the healing has been profound and has resulted in improving me both mentally and physically.

In my darkest time, I decided two things: First, I prayed that my mom would communicate with me by showing me a penny at random times and odd places.

I really felt her (and still do) with me and showing me pennies grounds me in the present moment. I really felt her agreement and I do find pennies from time to time in the oddest of spots, usually when I’m enjoying life. These pennies are little hugs from my mom. With a quick motion and tear, I snatch up this treasure and put them into my pocket.

The second thing I decided was to retire at the next best window. Life is just too short to work until I drop dead. My mom enjoyed almost 30 years of retirement and, while I don’t think that is in my cards, I want to really give this retirement thing a good try. In my profession, our retirement dates printed on official documents so, selecting my proper year and birthday, I went to the next ‘best’ day. Turns out, this is also my mom’s 88th birthday. The number 88 is significant to me as it represents double infinity, both in life and love. That is about all the future planning I have in the moment, and that is OK.

And, in case you think life is random, let me give you this gem. This week, besides blogging, I’m working in my garden to weed and clean. My prized possession in my garden is a peony that my mother and sister gifted me for my college graduation. Each year, it produces the most beautiful and fragrant blooms and is a showstopper. I have found that gardening is really about tending in the moment for what is to come, or the ultimate ‘being present’. In writing this post and detailing my ‘penny’ experience, I cannot help to see the correlation between the words “penny” and “peony”, and how both are representing my mom. These types of realizations – and viewing this as a deliberate message and not a coincidence – creates the drive in me to continue on my charted course or path. And, THAT, my gentle friend, is the purpose of correlating factors or, for the uninspired, coincidences. Both explanations are correct. However, which viewpoint you choose creates a passion in YOU. Seeing and feeling the passion IS living.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – December or Changing My View of Failure

As many of you know, I manage two different blogs: OwnYourWobble and Mentagility. Both of these blogs deal with aspects of critical thinking and I’m finding that the subject matter is beginning to overlap. Initially, Mentagility – my first blog – was designed to be more business-minded, focusing on productivity and leadership. However, I found the need for creative expression in a more personal way and began OwnYourWobble to share more personal struggles with others who find themselves in the same predicament.

My post on Mentagility this month really resonated to an OwnYourWobble situation so I’m sharing this here as I think this applies to both aspects.

I hope you enjoy, and wishing you all a very Happy New Year! The original post link is here: https://www.mentagility.com/failure-a-changed-mindset/

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In writing my post for this month, I like to begin in the prior month and ‘channel’ a few residual thoughts from my just completed post. I note areas that I didn’t include but are of interest to me at that time and this gives me a little creative loop.

(Note on the image for this post: When I was selecting my featured image for this post, I searched for a picture to denote “failure.” I thought that the “shame” image was very telling on how our society perceives failure as, perhaps, something to be ashamed of? Isn’t that interesting? It is my goal with this post to change our view of failure into something more positive. I hope you continue reading.)

The following were my hastily typed notes from last month and in reviewing these notes I found them to resonate for me in December. Here they are:

Changed my mind about a few things…this came to me by inspired thinking

1.) We must break before we can build

2.) Trusting our own personal timing and ‘flow’

3.) Make decisions from an ‘abundance’ mindset

4.) The importance of sincerely seeing the beauty in ourselves first

This month, I did follow this guidance in my personal life and struggles to improve my feeling of health. In my weight loss journey, I began to feel very restricted which began as a physical sensation and evolved into a mental frame of thinking. With the surge of COVID-19 in the Northeast, we began to once again be isolating into a quarantine. This external driver created another internal loop of my normal behavior to ‘cope’. Instead of using this coping mechanism, however, I elected to choose a different path: Self-love. I listened to myself, considered my known situation, and gave in to the removal of perceived restrictive behavior. Because I gave myself the Grace to be in the moment, I turned a corner in how I viewed my personal journey. This decision reflected #4. I saw myself as a person, not as a thing to be belittled. I spoke to myself as I would a friend, not an enemy. This is how I gave myself ‘Grace’ or a higher feeling of love than I had ever known before. My decision considered #3, my abundance mindset, because I saw the entire journey to health as a journey, not a destination. I considered everything that I have in life and was so grateful to actually have this struggle because there are so many struggles that could be considered worse.

I began to see the significance of the timing of my struggle which ticked my #2 idea. The timing of the holiday season could not be denied and was key to my understanding of how I wish to achieve my health goals. Everything in our lives is timing; I am beginning to see timing as my Divine guidance and have begun to be more of an observer of life and letting things ‘flow’ from me and not necessarily ‘to’ me. I’d like to live life more like thinking that “the ‘to'” is taken care of already by what I put out to the world. I finally realized that I can only control my behaviors in the moment which stem from my beliefs. Our beliefs are extremely important to mentagility so I’m very cognizant of how they originate … and my interpretation of them.

This leads me to #1: We must break before we can build. When I discuss ‘break’ in this sense, it is not a literally breaking of things or of self. It is more of a breaking of beliefs that no longer serve me. It is my judgement to what serves me which is why it is important that our judgment be free of bias or the “trappings of life”. When I have a belief that does not feel good, I really began to examine the belief from a few different perspectives – mainly, internal and external. What internal measures am I consciously or unconsciously using? What are the external factors? I review these areas without emotion so that I can more scientifically assess them.

If I have an emotion within the belief as I did in my recent struggle, that emotion is to be addressed first so that I can better understand the cue that life has given me. Emotions are neither good nor bad; they are cues to my personal beliefs about a given situation, both known and unknown. This unraveling of your emotions takes time which we may believe we don’t have. (That is also a belief that is based on your behavior, isn’t it?) We actually do have time because, Dear Reader, this is the reason we are living. It is not doing a job and earning a good salary. Nor, is our purpose to necessarily being a good parent. Those roles and purposes are trappings of our lives and where or how we grew up. We are all in our personal situations as a type of classroom where we can learn. Classrooms take all shapes and sizes, interactions and events. I believe that as long as we realize that there is a benefit in all things, we can actually begin to see the positive which helps to give a certain belief and begins the rebuilding process.

Here’s the thing. I’ve tried this journey before and have failed at one point or another. Rather than learn from ‘the’ past failures before, I berated myself for them and, thus, doomed myself to repeat them in one form or another. By accepting failure as an example of what isn’t working – and de-personalizing the failure – I’m creating a healthier ‘me’ in the long run because I no longer focus on what happened but on the lessons I learned as a result. It is our belief or perspective that helps us see past the emotions and understand and accept these failures so we can continue to learn. And, in that, a failure isn’t anything other than a missed cue or a needed change in one’s perspective. Peace, and may you, too, fail in your goals so that you can learn more about yourself in the journey.

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

Lessons from 2021 – October or Adventures in Discipline

From the title of this post, I bet you were wondering just what I was up to in the discussion of “discipline.” Discipline in this context is more to “…the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” I emphasize the latter part of this definition because one may think that discipline and punishment are part of the same thought. (Not necessarily.)

Merriam Webster – those intrepid dictionary folks – define discipline as “…a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity…” among other definitions. However, the idea of punishment is part of the definition as a verb (i.e., disciplining a child). To exercise discipline, however, is a type of self-control. Curiously, the definition of self-control is “…restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions, or desires.” So, can a person punish themselves as part of their own self-control efforts because that is their pattern of adapting or coping? (Yes, I think so.)

I’ve been doing a lot of self-study following the work of Jim Fortin. Fortin is, among other things, a transformational psychologist. In our world today, the terms are synonymous with being a “transpersonal” psychologist. Transpersonal psychology focuses on incorporating all elements of the human experience, including one’s spirituality. Many religions have hijacked this term for their teachings, too. Transpersonal psychologists can even adopt a religious or mainstream religious theme in its teaching which, in my opinion, short changes the idea of transformation. Like, if you don’t believe my religion, you are unable to utilize the ideas of a transpersonal psychology. What a load of bullshit.

In a Googling of the term, however, the following was also offered: “Transformation, used in psychology (and New Age thought), refers to a major change or shift in an individual’s thought and/or behavior patterns. This type of change normally requires a major change in thought patterns and values.” If you’ve been paying attention, you will find the religions tend to change meanings to fit with their values and we just all go along with the change or shift. This is not happening with me because the subject is just way too complex to box into religious dogma. We are discussing actual brain science which Fortin highlights in his podcasts and training. If you are looking to change some habits or transform an area of your life, do yourself a favor and listen to Fortin.

A better definition for transformational or transpersonal psychology is found here. This site defined transpersonal psychology this way: “Transpersonal psychology is a field or school of thought in psychology centered on the spiritual aspects of human life. The term transpersonal psychology was first introduced in the 1960s by psychologists such as Abraham Maslow and Victor Frankl. This field utilizes psychological methods and theories to examine the spiritual subject matter…Transpersonal psychology is a label for a type of psychological theory that embraces a wide variety of ideas that have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the mind and behavior. Transpersonal psychology looks at the whole human experience.”

There are so many meaning to words, aren’t there? One needs to understand the context in the use of the word to truly understand its meaning. Just in the above discussion about discipline and transformation psychology, I might have just blown your mind. That is what happened with me and the idea of discipline. I’m trying to change long-standing maladaptive coping habits that I didn’t even recognize I had created as a young person. I began to understanding that my view of discipline as both restriction and punishment which caused me to run the other way from it. However, if you think of discipline as a measure of self-control, the idea of discipline without punishment is very freeing. My entire life, I have hated the idea of discipline because I had unknowingly used this idea as an opportunity to create a very negative mental feedback loop – or my own self-punishment. (Why be disciplined only to beat myself up? I’d rather just keep on keeping on.) I finally realized what was happening and, after recognizing this “go to” as something I wished to change in myself, I began to pay attention to words and situations that cause me anxiety or mental stress.

It is the “how do I fix this?” that got me on the road to understanding that we all have coping strategies, and some are just more effective than others. In any situation where change is the goal, one doesn’t need to understand the why unless the behavior is so ingrained that the brain takes over without a secondary thought or action. It has been a slow going process which in hindsight is probably for the best. Change over time tends to stick more with me than the instant flip of a switch. How do I know that this is working for me? Again, time is the teller of tales. This week was particularly stressful and scary for me having to take care of my spouse while he was laid low. In putting myself second, I made a conscious decision and there were times where my current health goals took a back seat. However, instead of using this situation as another opportunity to create a new negative loop, I became really tolerant of myself and, well, I cut myself some slack. And, I really felt that slack loosening some of my old maladaptive coping habits that have done very little for me. I created a more healthy strategy and it helped me to deal with the week. Instead of seeing the “big picture” of possibilities, I dealt with the facts of the matter and cut the problem into bite size pieces. I dealt in the now and did not assume anything so my expectations were reduced to nothing. This lack of mental expectation really allowed me to take care of business without worrying for the future…for now. I have recognized that I worry a lot about the future without realizing that I’m creating my future right now through my view in this minute. And, the next minute. Good habits become good over time and repetition. Yes, it is the old saying of wash, rinse, and repeat. Just make sure you have some good “shampoo” that feeds your head in a positive way.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – September or Three New Daily Habits

It is August 29, 2021, and I’ve just completed my post for the month of August. In this, I examined my original draft written about three weeks ago and compared this to my feelings today which were completely different and I wanted to understand why that happened. I found that I slacked off on my planning and let my incoming emails dictate the day and I’m feeling the mental stress of my lack of planning.

For September, I am committing to making a structure of three different areas with the following goals:

Personal – I will do one “chore” each day towards the overall maintenance of my home. Each chore will be no more than a collective 20 minutes; any longer chores will be split up over a few days.
Self-Care – I will do at least one positive thing towards my health goals of wellness. This may include: eating breakfast, choosing fruit and more natural sweets, drink water, exercise, meditate, wash/moisturize my skin, wear matching clothing, etc.
Work – Select my “one thing” and complete it to the best of my ability. Time block mornings for execution, afternoons for communication. If it takes multiple days, take the time and block it off.

Now that I’ve written my intentions here, I shall copy this into my journal (Hey, Self-Care!!) so that I can keep it in my intentional focus. I will report back at the end of September with my thoughts.

WEEK ONE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 3, 2021

I decided to add to my original plan a weekly review which includes a check in with myself for a month seems too long and doesn’t allow me to have my own personal “immediate” feedback. This week was hectic – two days I worked straight through without a lunch break or any pauses. I recognized that a lot of my normal self care and personal chores existed in my AM and PM routines so I acknowledged those in my planner. Both of these routines have been ongoing for a while now but without a daily intention or acknowledgement. Checking them off each day gave me a feeling of satisfaction, the formality of setting this in my calendar extremely helpful. Interesting, right? I also added a work task to each day that was not my “One Thing” but was for the purpose of that day and what was best for my organization. This, in turn, helped me so this type of thinking became my “one thing”…for now. I realize that there is no personal element considered in this type of thinking and that will need to shift if I’m to enjoy what I do for a living.

Since working from home during COVID, the morning routine I’ve found that works best for me was based on my assessment using Atomic Habits of my daily patterns and each task is designed to initiate the next task. (Now, I’m on autopilot.) My AM routine consists of – and not in any specific order:

wake
start coffee (push button)
take AM pill (on empty stomach)
morning ablutions (or shower depending on the day)
make my AM bulletproof coffee
read the news (only while “going” which is about what the news is worth to me these days)
meditate (I’m listening to a great audio book as a meditation strategy)
dress
make breakfast for the dog and I
take AM vitamins & other medicines with food
journal
start work

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week One

Now, many of you may say, “Why doesn’t she make her bed?” which seems to be the cornerstone of everyone’s morning routine. Well, I have a partner that does not get up at the same time as I do. I mention this because there is a lot of information about morning routines in the Inter-World — and there is no one right way. That is why Atomic Habits was so helpful. (You’re welcome.) Having my goals in my journal where I viewed them every day was also really helpful. One cannot achieve something if your focus is elsewhere. I also used my planner and checked off all of my achievements. I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. On to Week #2!

WEEK TWO CHECK IN – Week Ending September 10, 2021

Last week was a bit more chaotic than the first week. I began my week with a good plan of daily assessments along with my “AM” and “PM” routines noted in my calendar. The structure helped me to see that I lacked a bit of discipline in my planning.

My “One Thing” for the job, however, wasn’t as clear to me each day. (Considering my job takes up more than a third of each day, not setting my “One Thing” each day was detrimental to my overall productivity. (Note: I only realized this after the fact.) If left unchecked, my days can be filled with “shallow work” or, as Professor Cal Newport says in his book, Deep Work:

“Shallow Work: Noncognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.” (Page 6)

By the end of the week, I felt this lack of stability very clearly in my choice of tasks that may not have been the best use of my time. In the middle of the week, I took a day off just because. While this wasn’t on my schedule per say, I felt the need to walk away from my work for a bit of a break and practiced being retired. person-768787__340 I feel like I have one foot in both worlds: working and retired. I’m making the mental transition, too, and have a bit of myself scattered all over the place. This “scattering” may be why I’m not mentally engaged in either place. Focus, like willpower, I’m learning, is limited and each area of focus takes a bit more energy so that I’m not really able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m working out a “time blocking” scenario for working that includes my routines. For those of you interested, here is my PM routine:

Decide to go to bed (I don’t have a set time, usually signaled by my couch dozing)
Clean kitchen, reset dishwasher, wipe counters and spills, clean sink which usually takes me about 15 minutes. It is a good break from the television, too.
Set up coffee so that I can hit a button.
Brush teeth
Wash and moisturize face
Prep CPAP machine (Yay! Thanks, menopause and being overweight)
Treat psoriasis with whatever cream a doctor gave me that is purported to work
Read a few pages until dozing

That is about it for my PM routine. It doesn’t take me long and I like the bit of a break between watching television and actually sleeping.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Two

I’m a bit tired at the end of this week, more mentally than physically. I’m not sure why other than my attention is a bit scattered, like I have a lot on my plate but am unaware of everything. And, I’m not even sure that this is the reason for the unease. I do think that focusing on too much at once is unhealthy for me and I don’t feel like I’m really involved due to the lack of focus. I think I will make more of an effort to be in the moment and focus on what is in front of me – whether I placed it there or life has given me a new opportunity for growth. I also think that I lacked meal structure and have taken a few options in my shopping to help me stay nourished in a more structured kind of way. Last week, we had some work done on our house which changed my normal. I did not prepare and could not go grocery shopping because the trucks blocked the garage. The work is marvelous and one of the three projects I must do before I can officially retire. This may be why I feel like I’m in two places at once. Interesting thought that my external goals for my house are impacting to such a degree my retirement feelings and my plan.

This week, I plan to time block my mornings and select my most important task to complete each day. I will continue with my AM and PM routines as they are. I also need to add one household chore to each day, which I will do….AND STICK WITH IT.

WEEK THREE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 17, 2021

Last week was a pretty productive week if you look at my calendar. I don’t really “feel” that my week was productive, however. I’m not sure why that is and am considering that productivity is more of a state of mind than an actual “thing.” Like, I need to “feel” productive in order to be productive? (Editing Note: In week one, above, I made the following statement: I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. BAM! I actually caught myself before sliding down my normal hole of despair and self-focused negativity.) So, taking my sage wisdom from about two weeks ago, let me re-frame my week a bit.

What I did do was work to shift on the small things and began compounding them each day for a successful outcome. I began to block my time on Wednesday and found that I got work done without a lot of interruption. (Cool!) The structure – interestingly enough – also helped me to schedule in some exercise which I added on Friday and Saturday. (OMG!) I wrote into my planner “AM Routine” and “PM Routine” before the week began, and checked them off each day in my planner. That simple writing it down, stopping each day to check, thinking about my routine, and the physical act of “checking a box” really helped me to mentally “block” the time for myself. I also journaled a few days as well.

While I always mentally blocked time in my mind, my reality never really formally adapted to this construct which created a sense of incompleteness in my day. By externally writing things more formally in my planner, this action mentally closed a completion loop for me. (Interesting.) I also began to write my One Thing for work and for my household, the latter of which did not get done during the week. Frankly, I could care less today. (Again, interesting.) I want the result (clean house) but the daily tasks were apparently too much for me. As I understand these concepts, I’m going to need to see this task (clean house) as a smaller set of more doable tasks. As I look back at my week just completed, I was so focused on what I didn’t do that this perspective created an overall negativity that is like a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day and altering your plans because there is a chance of rain. Seems I may have tapped into something “off” in how I think here which will give me something to consider for next week.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Three

I do better with a bit of formalized structure to my life; this is a benefit for me. This constant mental chatter of my own progress (and lack thereof) is challenged when I formalize the structure so my own mental “truth” can be faced with the facts, in my own handwriting, in my planner. In my review of this week, this profoundly impacted me. This realization is also key: my version of discipline must have a structure, be formal, and be accountable – and honestly accountable. No bad feelings over here, just realization and acceptance. For Week Four, I will strive to ensure that my structure is sound, relevant, and applicable. Where I feel the structure is lacking or not as successful, I will go smaller and into tinier pieces until I reach the right feeling (or frequency), and then compound them through my daily habits, being satisfied with what is “right now.” On to Week Four!

WEEK FOUR CHECK IN – Week Ending September 24, 2021

Dear Reader, if you are still with me this far, thank you!! This journey, the chronicling of my thinking over the past month in my blog, has been really inspiring. My lesson learned is that my “structure of disciplined ideas” – which is what I’m calling my routines – really helped me. Just yesterday, I had a medical appointment in the afternoon that took me out of my normal routines. No cooking, so we had some takeout for dinner so my dishes were minimal. I was also extremely tired – mentally exhausted – at another tough week. As I was preparing for bed – or “executing my PM routine” – skipping steps felt unnatural to me. I began to look at those few dishes in the sink and my clean dishwasher that needed emptying with a different mindset. My mindset was not of “Ugh!” but of “How long does this really take?” and “If I stop mentally arguing with myself, I’d be done with XX by now.” (Interesting.) My habit of doing the dishes at night ‘stuck’ and I did them quickly, routinely, and went to bed.

Now, I wondered how much of that was habit versus mind-over-matter, like did I just do this because I knew I was blogging on the subject? Was my physical and mental discomfort over the messy kitchen real or make believe? The very next day, I got my answer. On Saturday, September 25, 2021, or yesterday, I had the same situation. We had to take our Toby to the doctor at 2pm – smack dab in the middle of the afternoon which throws my routine right out. We then went grocery shopping, again, outside of the normal routine, ordered our favorite pizza – an eggplant Napolitano with balsamic glaze – from Mama Theresa’s in New Windsor, New York. We have not had this since before the Pandemic so this was such a treat that we ordered a whole pie – or eight slices. By the time we got home, the time was around 5 p.m. so dinner was leftovers as we got hungry. This resulted in my same situation – minimal dishes and a tired Susan. I, again, told my husband I was going straight to bed – and ended up doing the dishes AND watered my plants. Why? Because, my Dear Reader friends, I had built a habit of waking up to a clean and tidy kitchen. My habit was not necessary to do dishes but to wake up with a clean kitchen. Cool, right? Just that little change in my perspective helped me to create a solid and comfortable habit. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink … and now, I am that person.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Four

I finally understand how discipline can help me in my life in other areas, too. Restriction is not something I’m good with and need to remember that. However, discipline is very good for me if I get it out of my head and onto paper. As a person who is highly visual, this makes sense because the act of putting my thoughts to papers helps me see my progress – rather than relying on my faulty perception to feel my progress. Feeling my progress is also misleading because these feelings get clouded with, well, life. Good day? Feels great, making progress. Bad day? Sucks! No progress made. (See my correlation?)

This realization has been throughout the week in other areas, too, since I began to pay attention. I’m also a great believer in the synchronicities in life giving us direction…if we are paying attention. I began to realize that the structure I’ve created is not “restriction” as I had felt but of “discipline” which is a very different mindset. When going to bed, thinking of discipline and how positive an experience this had been for me, I pulled out my night table reading materials. I’m re-reading The One Thing to my support myself through this experience. Using my book mark I opened to the chapter I’d left off from the previous evening’s reading. This was Chapter 6: A Disciplined Life. Yes, Dear Reader, this happened, and I was paying enough attention to recognize this little “Atta Girl” from the universe. I also found a great summary of the book here for those of you intrigued.

MY FIVE LESSONS LEARNED FOR SEPTEMBER 2021:

Creating a structure for myself is a key area of my life that I need to consider in what I do and who I am. There is a discipline in this that makes me extremely comfortable and helps my negative self-talk become a small whisper instead of a constant yelling. Seeing this structure has helped me to create an exercise routine that I’m enjoying, an eating routine that keeps me nourished with good food choices, and a mentally supporting style of thinking that is really helping me feel better.
Having discipline within myself doesn’t mean I’m locked in to anything. It means that I have the freedom of choice – at all times. That is restriction.
And, speaking of restriction, I don’t do well with restriction – yet I tend to see the world in that way. My changing references in my mental body will be key so that, where I feel any restriction, I must review the situation for what it truly is. In my life, I cannot view any changes as “restriction” or these will become sour and cause me untold amount of mental anguish.
Having the discipline to create good structures for myself doesn’t mean I’m locked into just that; I can always add or take away what no longer works. Change doesn’t mean anything failed; change means only that circumstances – whatever they are – have shifted.
Don’t add a “value” label or a “belief” label to anything, anyone, or myself – the latter of which is my normal focus. Labels take judgment and perception that are most likely way wrong. Don’t judge others for the same; they are also on the journey.

CONCLUSION:

All in all, September was a helluva month. What a turning point. My acceptance of myself has lead me to very different realizations that I will begin to follow in other life areas. These realizations have also really helped me to overcome a few mental challenges in stepping up my game. Maybe some of the changes take, maybe some need smaller increments to help them stick. Whatever life throws at me, however, can be handled for I have the discipline and restriction to handle life – whether that means to step back and watch, or to jump right in and take a deep dive.

Peace, Dear Reader. Be well, and welcome fall.

Lessons from 2021 – July or How Clutter Impacts Our Thinking

At my office, I have the cleanest desk. It is so clean that people remark about how organized I appear to be. (LOL) The surface of my desk has work equipment (laptop, keyboard), phone, stapler, pens, and my paper calendar. That’s it. Anything else is put away in a drawer or cabinet so the effect is a pretty clean desk. I find myself really productive in my office except, of course, when interrupted by a person or task. Since I’ve been working from home and using my home office, I’ve been unable to create this same feeling. My home office desk is cluttered with these items plus all of my art supplies, paper, files, and just a bunch of things that have no real home space. When sitting at my desk now, I feel a bit overwhelmed and unable to really think clearly. The contrast between my home office and my work office – and the level of organization – came to my attention as something needing sorting.

I began to focus on the idea of minimalism, its roots, and why some people really like this style of living. (The link is a very good explanation of a new channel I found in writing this post. I plan to check out more of her work. She couples minimalism and intention which, IMHO, is extremely important.) I began to wonder what benefits I might achieve with a “less” mindset? Will this impact my intentional thinking about myself, my goals, and dreams if I don’t feel so overwhelmed by my “things” and have a “less is more” mindset?

In the beginning of the Pandemic, I began to rethink my office set up at home to be more like my work set up: streamlined and minimalist. While my home office served me well when I used the office sporadically, working in the space full time began to create a level of discomfort that I correlated to having a messy desk. To make my home office similar to my official office, however, is a much more daunting task because the items in my home office have no where else to live. It’s not like I have all of my art supplies at my desk at work. In order to make my home office more comfortable, I almost need to reset my entire house because cleaning and organizing one space creates havoc in other areas of the house. (EDIT: Let me be completely honest with you…and myself… about my Pandemic mindset which began fueling this desire to streamline my stuff. I thought that, if I died, I did not want anyone to have to sift through my “things”. This was something I wanted to do. That realization made me see all of my “collections” in a very different way – more like a burden than an achievement. I also realized that I’d prefer to spend my money on “experiences” and not “things” so getting rid of my “things” really began to weigh on me. More on that another time.)

To help me better address this claustrophobic feeling in my office space and how to best handle the overwhelm, I began a household “review” of my space, any unused space, and how best to feel less overwhelmed by my stuff. Now, I don’t have a lot of stuff but what I do have is really unorganized and, frankly, overwhelming. To experiment, I began to review my china cabinet and take an unsentimental assessment of my “things.” I found that I owned over 40 different wine glasses for a person who does not drink wine. These glasses have been unused in my cabinet for the past 20 years and have been screaming (OK, not literally) at me to use them. What I “heard” was this: “I am made for celebrations and parties, not for display!” Glassware has a usefulness so I have always felt okay with collecting it. However, my wine goblets and pretty crystal stemware were not being used for their intended purpose. I decided to “rehome” most of them by donating most to my local Habitat for Humanity for resale. I really believe these glasses were almost happy to be able to grace someone else’s home/table. Feeling better, I added two platters that were unused (I have three left), two over-sized crystal vases, and some gently-used plastic cake/cupcake carriers. Immediately, I felt like the energy in my dining room eased a bit: I felt really good about the donation and I realized that there was a bit more air for breathing. On a roll, I removed a wall hanging from one of my walls in our foyer adjacent to the dining room that I had purchased on a whim and never quite liked. In its place, I put an older art piece where I liked the aesthetic of the dark frame on a light wall. I find myself drawn to that area of the house now because the aesthetic pleases me because the air feels lighter. Wow.

I began to wonder why that is? How can the excess and free space impact me so immediately? I realized through my studies that “things” all have energy and operate at different levels of vibration. Or, the science of physics. (I call it ‘thing energy’ as opposed to ‘people energy’. How original, right?) Some of us are more sensitive to ‘thing energy’ than others; some people can actually feel the vibrations of someone who may have owned the object at one time. The latter situation is called psychometry which is not my issue for I don’t feel that so keenly and individually. It is the energy (vibration, maybe?) of the collection of a lot of objects that feels like a wave of something that hits me square in the chest, and makes it difficult to breathe. Like, I don’t have enough space to find the air in the room. I’ve always felt “thing energy” quite keenly and am just realizing that my desire for an echoing room is to give myself more creativity and openness. When I go into a crowded grocery store, I feel overwhelmed by the “stuff;” the same is true in a crowded Department store or anywhere there is a large accumulation of stuff. I quickly leave the space, feeling claustrophobic and just a sense of overwhelm. I noticed that I feel a bit like that in my office space, too, which has lead me to really take a critical look at the lack of organization in my office and the idea of the reset was born.

In my experiment and with a mind to my planned office reset, I began to wonder if having my things organized – or put away – tempers the feeling. Like, if I did not have a china cabinet with glass doors but a buffet with solid wood doors, would the feeling be different because I could not visually “see” all of my things? Hmmm. I’m not sure. However, I am going to try an experiment this week on resetting my home office to see if removing and organizing my personal clutter will help me to be more creative and have less stress sitting at my desk. I plan to remove all of the stuff in my office: desks, computers, chairs, printers, etc. and then place these back with a little more thought as to my desired minimalist aesthetic and concentrating on storage/organization with the goal of a clean desk. I’d also like to create an area where I do my “work” and an area where I can be “creative.” Right now, I see these as two distinctly different areas in my room; I wonder if I can change that based on removing or rearranging my stuff. I’ve decided to also follow this particular YouTuber’s tips; her videos and delivery inspired me to also follow these guidelines. I’m a new subscriber to her channel and look forward to learning more. Here are some of her tips that I plan to follow:

1.) Figure out how much time you have and how much time it will take.

I’ve taken a week off of work so that I can separate this into some very doable tasks. My first task will be to remove everything from the surface that is not heavy furniture. This includes mail, inboxes, books, pen holders/containers, books (there are a lot of them!), and computer bags and accessories. In applying the four principles, however, I realized that in order for me to apply #2, below, I need to begin in my guest bedroom to ensure that I have sufficient ability to clear out my office. (Right now, my guest bedroom closet is spilling out onto the floor. It is filled with old formal wear that no longer fits, concert t-shirts from the 80s, empty hangers, and all of my holiday decorations. It is time to clear that close because if my green blazer ever fit again, the shoulder pads would rival Joan Collins’ best day and, frankly, I’d never wear the jacket anyway unless it was Halloween and I was revisiting 40 years of history.) Yes, my personal clutter has gotten so bad that in order to clear out an entire room of my house, I need to clear a place to put the stuff out of the way.) So, before I can even work on the office, I plan to de-clutter my guest bedroom closet first which, having done my own closet years ago, should be relatively straight-forward. Once my guest bedroom closet is straightened up, I plan to then begin my office de-clutter. (Now you know why I planned a full week for this.)

As I put things back into the office, I will then consider if I want to keep the item, addressing what purpose the item serves, and ensuring everything has its own place. If the item does not have a place, then it is not needed and will be thanked for its service, and discarded or donated. This allows me to get the office down to the walls and carpeting, and really get a feel for the office while also honoring the vibration of my “things.”

2.) Minimize distractions.

This will be difficult for me because moving and decluttering create their own “rabbit holes” of memories. I like Nourishing Mom‘s idea of the “to put away” box which helps to keep me focused on the task and not going into another room to then work in that room. However, because I realized that I will need to make room in my guest bedroom to temporarily move things from the study, I’ll need to separate this into two projects because I will find myself overwhelmed with now having two rooms to declutter. I’m already expecting that I will need to purchase cabinets and/or organizational tools to help me better place my things. Before I just go out willy-nilly to purchase something, I want to be really sure on where it is, what it is, and how I will use it. (See #4.)

3) Its going to take more than one pass.

I totally agree with the idea that both my guest bedroom closet and my office will need a few passes of critical assessment because after a while of making the hard decisions to relieve one of clutter, I can and do become a bit more emotional. In the cleaning of my personal closet, it has taken me quite a few passes and, unfortunately, I did not pay attention to tip #4 below and have created a new mess for myself in my closet. My closet organization is not as bad as before but can get there if I don’t soon intervene.

4) Avoid recreational shopping.

I realize now that I shopped out of boredom or wanting a new experience of buying a thing. What I was looking for was a panacea of sorts, a relief from my mental burden where I stifled my creativity. This is a lesson from the Pandemic that I’ve learned and wish to correct. I used to enjoy shopping and would purchase anything I wanted because I could – even if I really couldn’t. This created a poor habit of addressing my own mental discomfort through the purchase of a new dress or lipstick instead of addressing the real source of my unrest. My shopping over the past 18 months has become very specific because a weekly excursion to the mall just wasn’t part of anyone’s plan. The allowed me to see just how I’ve “coped” throughout my life, and be able to feel better by addressing the real issue.

That’s the plan for my office reset or starting over. In researching the “how to” of my project, I found Joshua Becker’s channel quite helpful, too, and found that I already do many of his tips in this video. This made me feel a bit better about my starting point and helped me to see that I can continue to improve. I’m very curious to see that, if after I’ve completed my project, if I’ll feel different about sitting in the space, or if I’ll need to move my office into my foyer! I’m intrigued because of the idea that we are all energy fields that can be manipulated, including objects that would appear to be solid. Every object in our world vibrates at different rates which creates their form. There are millions of possibilities depending on the object, placement, temperature…the combinations are endless and miraculous, aren’t they? When you think about the world at large, with all of the people, places, and things, the world is vibrating all around us. How can you not feel overwhelmed at times? Wishing you peace this July 4th.

[EDIT: And, as if the world is blessing this post, one of my favorite O.G. YouTubers, Renee Amberg, just posted this video. I love Renee’s videos as they show her transitions and struggles which make me feel less alone in my own journey. She discusses all things very honestly, openly and does not sugar-coat her experiences. Definitely worth the watch just for the inspiration alone.]

Keto Update: For those of you keeping up with all things Keto, I’m still doing well. Seeing some improvement on my psoriasis and my weight is stable. It is going up and down since my carbohydrate restriction isn’t as low as I’d like it to be. I’m under 100 carbs a day – usually around 50. This works for my “right now” time as I continue to adjust. I’m learning that there are some foods, while lower in carbohydrates, are not good for me to have in the house. Dr. Atkin’s bars are something other worldly delicious and I’m not to be trusted with them. Yet. In all things, there is progress.

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