Living Without The Constant Check: Navigating Technology Guilt

I’m not sure when “being connected” became something I needed and, ultimately, dreaded. In retirement, my days begin with my being immersed in my phone looking at email, social media, my bank account, investments, and local news. (Did I take my morning medication? Maybe, maybe not.) I think the habit of “checking in” with media began back in the early 2000’s when I commuted into New York City each day – about 2.5 hours from my house to my desk, door-to-door – with watching the news. I got the weather forecast, city news, commuting information, and everything I needed to decide if this was the day I needed to stay home. The was before mobile phones had internet. I was always hoping and looking for happiness in staying home, snug in my bed, which became overwhelming and very tempting. Everyday, I’d have coffee with Maurice DuBois, the news anchor, who would inform me of everything I thought I needed to know. Then, I’d tell myself to get to the office as I needed to support my family. THIS was my single motivating factor for working. (I did not realize this until retirement and at a significant personal cost.)

Fast forward a few years with the advancement of technology. My phone became my pocket assistant, reminding me of everything I wanted to do and usually failed at: To do lists, appointments, calendar notes, texts, goals – you name it, I berated myself for not being one of those people who could walk, talk, text, and laugh all at the same time. The tool I had in my hand was so powerful that I knew, one day, it w/could be my personal assistant…and THIS would be when I finally would be happy. Life would be coordinated into this little device and would finally give me a sense of peace. Fulfillment. Happiness.

<Sigh.> Just WHAT was I thinking about here anyway. Today, I consider this way of thinking as looping between searching and living. Yet, it took me many years to figure this out (ergo “looping”). Sometimes, we are searching for something in our living within the phone – or not. I do think people have varying degrees of engagement with technology depending on many psychological factors. For me, my identity shifting became wrapped up in my phone. And, this shift is just not as simple as leaving the phone in another room. No – the shift needs to be in my mindset and how I see the phone as a tool. This is a struggle I have each day because I fall back into old patterns as I am still working on replacing these patterns with better habits. I haven’t found them just as yet and have realized that the habits will find me when my timing is right – for me.

Life is about timing and phases, and understanding that each of these will change without me needed to DO or BE anything. My job these days is to notice how I’m feeling and adapt. Yep. Whatever “adapt” means to me – at that time. All of my life, I have fought against the current to build these muscles because I thought that was my job in this life as a human. Being different. Being unique. Making a big difference. I find myself tired – truly tired – of fighting against the current. I’m desiring a bit of meandering, finding my flow, and just being easy. With myself. With others. Having no agenda. Maybe this should be my New Year’s resolution: No Agenda, No Plan. And, Breathe.

Is this too easy? Hell no. As a recovering overachiever, doing nothing is still something. With my ADHD, I can always have my body sit still. OK, maybe my foot is tapping and I’m banging my finger on my leg – still for ME. My mind, however, is doing back flips and intricate problem solving that I’m totally unaware of until I blurt out some random sentence and realize I’ve had this whole conversation with myself in the middle of another conversation – WITH PEOPLE! Yet, I am a serial procrastinator as I know what I need to do and cannot make myself do this thing. This is when I realized my procrastination wasn’t an identity. It is a RESPONSE – and usually with an emotional tie. What is the procrastination telling me? Depends on each situation. I did decide that having the label was not fair to myself so I’m working on removing this label from my sense of self. I realized that I am someone who cannot make myself do something I don’t want to do without a SIGNIFICANT toll on my mental health. This is the ADHD impact. And, I’ve routinely told myself vile and hurtful things as a type of motivation….that isn’t. There are repercussions to this way of motivation that I’m currently unpacking – in my own time.

No Agenda, No Plan, Breathe. Good resolutions.

Happy New Year!

Navigating ADHD and Depression: A Personal Journey

Good morning. It’s July 21, 2024, and just after 9AM in the morning. I’ve been up since 6AM, busily doing laundry, preparing meals for the day, reading, and meditating. Just a little bit of an “administrative” day: Grocery shopping, a baseball game, and spending some time in post-apocalyptic West Virginia in Fallout 76. It’s been almost six months since my last post and I thought to give a bit of an update on my ADHD journey.

My diagnosis was confirmed in February, with a little twist: Depression. ADHD has a few co-morbidity traits and one of these is depression. Many times, patients present with depression as I have in the past. What is important is that treatment include depression but also addresses the root cause – if one can be determined. Mismanaged ADHD can lead to depression. I’m being treated for depression yet the ADHD is still prevalent so I’ve begun working on managing my ADHD symptoms.

ADHD presents differently depending on your gender, age, and your particular symptoms. Not all ADHD is the same so one must really develop self-awareness. Some of the particular characteristics are here. My symptoms include: impulsivity, reliance on sugar for dopamine, time blindness, interrupting people, anxiety, over-sharing, people-pleasing, body-doubling, mirroring, and an overall restlessness that can equate to becoming bored. I have extreme hyper-focus yet must distract myself with physical tiredness to do tasks that I don’t want to do (e.g., write my school report, pay bills, etc.)

UPDATE: 9/27/24. Last month, I received my ADHD diagnosis and confirmation that my depression was a co-morbidity. Treat the co-morbidity without treating the source and I would be – once again – on the hamster wheel to diagnosis. Having this diagnosis – explaining that my personality ‘quirks’ are actually neurodivergence – is a bit startling. When a person believes themselves to be broken – for decades – and to find out that this “life” – or what I’ve made of my “life” – can be explained through physical differences between me and someone else is really, really disconcerting.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Stopping my attempts to conform is now my goal so I can really cease the mental “Leroy” in me. I’m also seeing these qualities in others and understanding our differences has helped me to accept them…and myself. My tolerance (read=acceptance) of myself and others has really improved. The journey and catalyst are all subjects for their own telling.

I’m not broken.

Just different.

Peace.

Recovery Blvd, Milemarker 2: Gut Service Road & the Gut Health Highway

In New York State, we have what are called ‘service roads’ on the side of some of the parkways. When I first moved to the East coast, this was a new phenomenon that I witnessed mostly on Long Island; these are streets that run parallel to the main road and allows people to enter and exit without many barriers. This also allows emergency vehicles to easily bypass traffic snarls to get to the problem. I see my gut health journey very similarly where I am the road, the traffic becomes snarled, and I take the service road to exit and try and address the cause of the traffic snarl. I’ve been on this road a long time and have had many traffic jams where the service road, or alternative thinking, allowed me to bypass the snarl and continue on my journey. The second milemarker is an important one because these issues are foundational, and I have discovered that fixing my gut may be key to my overall health improvement.

My gut issues began as a teenager, caused by both anxiety (I will explain this in a later post from Depression/Anxiety Lane) and overuse of antibiotics for teenage cystic acne. (I was on tetracycaline for almost a year. The acne was, I believe, a result of overeating of processed foods. My mother told me it was too much chocolate. I hate to admit that she was somewhat correct but I’ve discovered that my issues were both sugar and, more recently, the common oil ingredients found in processed foods.) As a child, I also suffered from mysterious allergies that caused sinus issues, headaches, coughing, mouth lesions, and assorted hay fever type of sympoms. Additionally, around the age of five, I was exposed to an outbreak of some bacteria from a public drinking fountain. This was also immediately treated as I had developed significant painful and puss-filled lesions in my mouth and was told to gargle with hydrogen peroxide. I cannot recall if I was given any other medications for the bacteria exposure; I do recall I started an alert for the local health department. 😀 For my ‘sinus conditions’, the doctor prescribed ‘Dimetapp’ which was only available by prescription. The year was 1969-ish and I drank this sweet grape syrup for years between the ages of 6 and 10. As a child, I was not allergy tested as the Dimetapp seemed to handle the effects of whatever was ailing me and the thought was that these symptoms would be outgrown.

I believe that these treatments had negative impacts to my gut which was exacerbated by food sensitivies yet to be diagnosed. These two factors (use of antibiotics and allergy medications) created a soup of sugar dependency and food sensitivities that ultimately lead me to a number of medical conditions including cancer. When I began to present with my first stomach issue, I was 16 years old. I took myself for my first ‘adult’ appointment to a gastroenterologist who gave me a diagnosis that, frankly, I don’t even remember. I think I was told to use antacids and needed to buy stock in the Tums company. Wouldn’t diet have been a topic that should have been covered? My weight had skyrocketed from 140 to over 215 pounds in about three years. This event, too, was seen as a my ‘personal failure’ by the medical establishment – and it never occurred to anyone to question this assumption. The only guidance I was provided by my family, friends, and doctors: Don’t eat as much. (This should have been called “How to Develop an Eating Disorder.”) In looking back, I recognize (and, importantly, accept) that volume of food was never my issue. I’m learning that it was the type of food and how my body reacted to it. My choices as a teenager and adult leaned into processed (fast) foods even though my genetics really would not support these ‘foods.’ I was raised differently. In hindsight, I had become addicted to the sugar “high” of the processed carbohydrate, and the resulting hormonal imbalances.

In my twenties and thirties, I had GERD, acid reflux, and all kinds of biological responses that were so innumerable, I can’t even recall the path. I also presented with physical symptoms resulting from massive stress, both physical and mental. I was diagnosed with PCOS having suffered through all kinds of female hormonal disasters. Again, no help. I received a seasonal affective disorder and body dysmorphia diagnosis at 30, or depression. (I have learned that this, too, for me, is gut related.) At 35, I was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome and was told there was nothing that could be done. (I now have learned that this is not true. My current endocrinologist who has diagnosed me with pre-diabetes stated that this diagnosis should have been a ‘heads up’ for me.) High blood pressure, thyroid cancer, gallbladder removal, and the psoriasis were clear signs – if someone were paying attention – that there was something significantly wrong. We treat each issue as its own problem, don’t we? Why would we do this if these symptoms are all in one person?

What I realize now in reviewing my journey, this viewpoint resulted in mistreatment by the medical establishment. My ‘issues’ were never seen as a part of something else because that physician was only focused on my gastric condition and not my overall health; there was too much volatility in my daily condition to really give an accurate diagnosis. Food, however, fed this variability but was never seen as part of the problem. The doctor did not consider what got me to their office examining table which, in my opinion, needs to be part of the assessment conversation. The term for this type of practice is ‘functional medicine’ However, our medical establishment does not focus on prevention but on treatment. In this article for a pre-natal care study, six countries with varying medical systems demonstrate that the cost of these systems for preventative treatment is more beneficial than the U.S. model of treating once diseased. Given the costs, it would appear that prevention has a greater financial benefit to a system that is based on treatment. While the study is old, another more recent study that discusses prevention actually created a quasi-road map to improving preventative treatment. Instead, the U.S. government attempts to gut these provisions. (Yes, that is true.) This behavior does not create a positive prognosis for the future of preventative health management. It is the younger generation which concerns me for they may not have the perspective needed to properly evaluate and challenge bad doctoring. This happened to me in 1979, and continues today.

Dietary restriction has always been the answer I was provided for most of anything that I had which required medical attention. Sprained ankle? You need to lose weight. Psoriasis? What are you doing to lose weight? I actually had a doctor ask me if I knew what a carbohydrate was…I told him that I did not get this weight by not understanding eating. In fact, I felt that doctors actually blamed me for my illnesses or injuries, having written me off based solely on my weight. The self-blame (really, it is shame) I used to carry is now gone for I understand that I was caught in a “Catch 22” of self-blame (shame) which caused my disordered eating views and the physical cravings for more sugar. In working to eliminate the self-blame (shame), I realized that the idea of restriction is an old style of thinking and does not work for my long term health. However, I do need to change my eating to help my gut which may include some form of restriction or ‘moderation’, right? My thinking has always focused on a mindset of: Eat ‘right’, exercise, and stay away from ‘bad’ foods. My knowledge included what should have been my course of action yet I could never take any action! To anyone who listened, I used to say that if I could figure out my ‘how’ I would be successful. In many ways, I was waiting for the momentum to be created and, finally, recognized that I needed to create my own momentum. The momentum created my ‘how’ – and this realization is what I wish for you.

How is this done, you may ask? I think I have found my own answer – and this is the key. Individual assessments must be made which cannot be ‘wholesalely’ marketed. (Again, prevention is hard to sell.) And, don’t underestimate your current mental state and the impact of your diet! While this post is a discussion of gut health, there is a correlation between gut health and mood or personality disorders. If the gut ‘feeds’ one’s mood disorders, how does one break a cycle of poor self image? In 1979, there was no path forward for me. In 2023, however, I now have a path forward. It took 44 years but I think I finally have an answer. What I now realize in writing this series of posts regarding my current journey, there was no consideration for me, as a teenager, presenting with very severe symptoms. I was compartmentalized into a medical ‘type’ and written off as having a self-induced sick when I followed medical guidance and guidance on a proper diet. Weight was not seen as a medical result of something but of a personal failure.

And, here is a more recent example of said failure which solidified these viewpoints. In my last doctor visit in March of this year, the proverbial camel’s back was broken by that psoriatic straw. In this visit, my psoriasis was, apparently, a surprise; I was asked if I needed a dermatological referral. I actually thought she was joking as I had been seriously discussing this with her for YEARS. YEARS! I decided I was done and the realization that I was on my own in helping myself became a drum beat or cadence on how I was going to move forward. My path is now clear.

Footnote: As I write this, I’m down 32 pounds and not through restriction. I’m making smart choices and determining what foods help me to thrive, and those which do not. I’m feeding my body what it likes to perform at its best. Interestingly, I learned that soybean oil makes me really sluggish and depressed. I also found I’m sensitive to sunflower oils which give me cramping, GERD, diarrhea, and, frankly, also foul mood. (With all of that bathroom stuff going on, it’s no wonder I was cranky! LOL) And, in doing my own reconnaisance, I found that sunflower oil is in a lot of our foods because it is supposedly superior. (Note who sponsored this story.) There is also science that debunks the current belief that seed oils, including sunflower oil, are bad for you. What isn’t discussed are the possible food sensitivities a person may have because the gut is not right. (BTW, this link is a very interesting article from the Cleveland Clinic that should be required reading for anyone with a stomach.) The moral of this story? Don’t accept the status quo. Follow your gut.

A New Day, An Old Me

Hello, and welcome back.

It has been quite some time since my last post in which I discussed my struggles with depression in the loss of my mother. This last year has been a real roller coaster of emotions where the unresolved is resolved, and where the broken is put back together again, many times held together with some duct tape.

Does the duct tape make me stronger? Or, are the cracks so deep that they are irreparable? I’m not sure and, like life, time will definitely tell. I like to think that the cracks, held together with the sticky duct tape, make me stronger for I know where my weaknesses are now, don’t I? Because of the crack, I’ve been able to define why the crack exists and how to repair the crack to create a new sense of stability.

I wondered if grief works this way, too, but in a much more subtle way or with invisible duct tape. Grief can create a mirror of our lives which then reflect the many facets of reflection. We may see areas in the reflection that may not be our proudest moments. We may see the opportunity in the mirror for a little growth, too. Through death, I’ve been able to reflect on what I want in life, and where those areas might be ‘shaded’. As we walk along a certain path, these events happen for us to pause, reflect, and make course corrections. If anything comes out of death, the event does breathe a different type of living into us, doesn’t it? Like a reminder of our own mortality. We can decide to grieve the rest of our days – and that is okay. Or, we can honor the person and create more lasting memories with other loved ones in celebration of this thing we call life. I’m for the latter.

In my career, I’ve been eligible for retirement for a few years now. (Frankly, the money wasn’t quite right.) My gut told me to stick it out and, thankfully, I did. Working through the Pandemic has really been a game changer for me in that I continued to have a sense of normalcy while the world seemed to fall apart around me. The death of my mother was really the final straw that broke the old me which didn’t really fit into my new reality. While the world seemed to be simultaneously shifting while standing still, I did the same. Or, I stopped fighting the flow of things. Stopped seeing the problems before they exist, thinking that by some miracle, I could prevent whatever it was I saw happening. I usually did prevent these events from occurring. Or, so I thought.

You see, I found things that might happen and set myself up for that eventuality. In doing this activity, I was never really present because I was always looking for the next ‘shoe to drop’. (This habit is so common, there is even a saying!) Recognizing that this mindset took me out of my present moment, I began a course of training to help me determine my well-being goals and the track by which I could achieve a new outlook. This began with my signing up for a single training that appealed to my more analytical side and helped me on this current path of self-care. My beginning was very minor and fit my needs at that time. As a result of this intensive work, I was able to shift my perspective and improve my overall mental well-being. Let me add that the healing has been profound and has resulted in improving me both mentally and physically.

In my darkest time, I decided two things: First, I prayed that my mom would communicate with me by showing me a penny at random times and odd places.

I really felt her (and still do) with me and showing me pennies grounds me in the present moment. I really felt her agreement and I do find pennies from time to time in the oddest of spots, usually when I’m enjoying life. These pennies are little hugs from my mom. With a quick motion and tear, I snatch up this treasure and put them into my pocket.

The second thing I decided was to retire at the next best window. Life is just too short to work until I drop dead. My mom enjoyed almost 30 years of retirement and, while I don’t think that is in my cards, I want to really give this retirement thing a good try. In my profession, our retirement dates printed on official documents so, selecting my proper year and birthday, I went to the next ‘best’ day. Turns out, this is also my mom’s 88th birthday. The number 88 is significant to me as it represents double infinity, both in life and love. That is about all the future planning I have in the moment, and that is OK.

And, in case you think life is random, let me give you this gem. This week, besides blogging, I’m working in my garden to weed and clean. My prized possession in my garden is a peony that my mother and sister gifted me for my college graduation. Each year, it produces the most beautiful and fragrant blooms and is a showstopper. I have found that gardening is really about tending in the moment for what is to come, or the ultimate ‘being present’. In writing this post and detailing my ‘penny’ experience, I cannot help to see the correlation between the words “penny” and “peony”, and how both are representing my mom. These types of realizations – and viewing this as a deliberate message and not a coincidence – creates the drive in me to continue on my charted course or path. And, THAT, my gentle friend, is the purpose of correlating factors or, for the uninspired, coincidences. Both explanations are correct. However, which viewpoint you choose creates a passion in YOU. Seeing and feeling the passion IS living.

Peace.

Lessons from 2021 – September or Three New Daily Habits

It is August 29, 2021, and I’ve just completed my post for the month of August. In this, I examined my original draft written about three weeks ago and compared this to my feelings today which were completely different and I wanted to understand why that happened. I found that I slacked off on my planning and let my incoming emails dictate the day and I’m feeling the mental stress of my lack of planning.

For September, I am committing to making a structure of three different areas with the following goals:

Personal – I will do one “chore” each day towards the overall maintenance of my home. Each chore will be no more than a collective 20 minutes; any longer chores will be split up over a few days.
Self-Care – I will do at least one positive thing towards my health goals of wellness. This may include: eating breakfast, choosing fruit and more natural sweets, drink water, exercise, meditate, wash/moisturize my skin, wear matching clothing, etc.
Work – Select my “one thing” and complete it to the best of my ability. Time block mornings for execution, afternoons for communication. If it takes multiple days, take the time and block it off.

Now that I’ve written my intentions here, I shall copy this into my journal (Hey, Self-Care!!) so that I can keep it in my intentional focus. I will report back at the end of September with my thoughts.

WEEK ONE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 3, 2021

I decided to add to my original plan a weekly review which includes a check in with myself for a month seems too long and doesn’t allow me to have my own personal “immediate” feedback. This week was hectic – two days I worked straight through without a lunch break or any pauses. I recognized that a lot of my normal self care and personal chores existed in my AM and PM routines so I acknowledged those in my planner. Both of these routines have been ongoing for a while now but without a daily intention or acknowledgement. Checking them off each day gave me a feeling of satisfaction, the formality of setting this in my calendar extremely helpful. Interesting, right? I also added a work task to each day that was not my “One Thing” but was for the purpose of that day and what was best for my organization. This, in turn, helped me so this type of thinking became my “one thing”…for now. I realize that there is no personal element considered in this type of thinking and that will need to shift if I’m to enjoy what I do for a living.

Since working from home during COVID, the morning routine I’ve found that works best for me was based on my assessment using Atomic Habits of my daily patterns and each task is designed to initiate the next task. (Now, I’m on autopilot.) My AM routine consists of – and not in any specific order:

wake
start coffee (push button)
take AM pill (on empty stomach)
morning ablutions (or shower depending on the day)
make my AM bulletproof coffee
read the news (only while “going” which is about what the news is worth to me these days)
meditate (I’m listening to a great audio book as a meditation strategy)
dress
make breakfast for the dog and I
take AM vitamins & other medicines with food
journal
start work

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week One

Now, many of you may say, “Why doesn’t she make her bed?” which seems to be the cornerstone of everyone’s morning routine. Well, I have a partner that does not get up at the same time as I do. I mention this because there is a lot of information about morning routines in the Inter-World — and there is no one right way. That is why Atomic Habits was so helpful. (You’re welcome.) Having my goals in my journal where I viewed them every day was also really helpful. One cannot achieve something if your focus is elsewhere. I also used my planner and checked off all of my achievements. I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. On to Week #2!

WEEK TWO CHECK IN – Week Ending September 10, 2021

Last week was a bit more chaotic than the first week. I began my week with a good plan of daily assessments along with my “AM” and “PM” routines noted in my calendar. The structure helped me to see that I lacked a bit of discipline in my planning.

My “One Thing” for the job, however, wasn’t as clear to me each day. (Considering my job takes up more than a third of each day, not setting my “One Thing” each day was detrimental to my overall productivity. (Note: I only realized this after the fact.) If left unchecked, my days can be filled with “shallow work” or, as Professor Cal Newport says in his book, Deep Work:

“Shallow Work: Noncognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.” (Page 6)

By the end of the week, I felt this lack of stability very clearly in my choice of tasks that may not have been the best use of my time. In the middle of the week, I took a day off just because. While this wasn’t on my schedule per say, I felt the need to walk away from my work for a bit of a break and practiced being retired. person-768787__340 I feel like I have one foot in both worlds: working and retired. I’m making the mental transition, too, and have a bit of myself scattered all over the place. This “scattering” may be why I’m not mentally engaged in either place. Focus, like willpower, I’m learning, is limited and each area of focus takes a bit more energy so that I’m not really able to focus on one thing at a time. I’m working out a “time blocking” scenario for working that includes my routines. For those of you interested, here is my PM routine:

Decide to go to bed (I don’t have a set time, usually signaled by my couch dozing)
Clean kitchen, reset dishwasher, wipe counters and spills, clean sink which usually takes me about 15 minutes. It is a good break from the television, too.
Set up coffee so that I can hit a button.
Brush teeth
Wash and moisturize face
Prep CPAP machine (Yay! Thanks, menopause and being overweight)
Treat psoriasis with whatever cream a doctor gave me that is purported to work
Read a few pages until dozing

That is about it for my PM routine. It doesn’t take me long and I like the bit of a break between watching television and actually sleeping.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Two

I’m a bit tired at the end of this week, more mentally than physically. I’m not sure why other than my attention is a bit scattered, like I have a lot on my plate but am unaware of everything. And, I’m not even sure that this is the reason for the unease. I do think that focusing on too much at once is unhealthy for me and I don’t feel like I’m really involved due to the lack of focus. I think I will make more of an effort to be in the moment and focus on what is in front of me – whether I placed it there or life has given me a new opportunity for growth. I also think that I lacked meal structure and have taken a few options in my shopping to help me stay nourished in a more structured kind of way. Last week, we had some work done on our house which changed my normal. I did not prepare and could not go grocery shopping because the trucks blocked the garage. The work is marvelous and one of the three projects I must do before I can officially retire. This may be why I feel like I’m in two places at once. Interesting thought that my external goals for my house are impacting to such a degree my retirement feelings and my plan.

This week, I plan to time block my mornings and select my most important task to complete each day. I will continue with my AM and PM routines as they are. I also need to add one household chore to each day, which I will do….AND STICK WITH IT.

WEEK THREE CHECK IN – Week Ending September 17, 2021

Last week was a pretty productive week if you look at my calendar. I don’t really “feel” that my week was productive, however. I’m not sure why that is and am considering that productivity is more of a state of mind than an actual “thing.” Like, I need to “feel” productive in order to be productive? (Editing Note: In week one, above, I made the following statement: I find that a “healthy” look – without judgment – of my progress will be key for me. BAM! I actually caught myself before sliding down my normal hole of despair and self-focused negativity.) So, taking my sage wisdom from about two weeks ago, let me re-frame my week a bit.

What I did do was work to shift on the small things and began compounding them each day for a successful outcome. I began to block my time on Wednesday and found that I got work done without a lot of interruption. (Cool!) The structure – interestingly enough – also helped me to schedule in some exercise which I added on Friday and Saturday. (OMG!) I wrote into my planner “AM Routine” and “PM Routine” before the week began, and checked them off each day in my planner. That simple writing it down, stopping each day to check, thinking about my routine, and the physical act of “checking a box” really helped me to mentally “block” the time for myself. I also journaled a few days as well.

While I always mentally blocked time in my mind, my reality never really formally adapted to this construct which created a sense of incompleteness in my day. By externally writing things more formally in my planner, this action mentally closed a completion loop for me. (Interesting.) I also began to write my One Thing for work and for my household, the latter of which did not get done during the week. Frankly, I could care less today. (Again, interesting.) I want the result (clean house) but the daily tasks were apparently too much for me. As I understand these concepts, I’m going to need to see this task (clean house) as a smaller set of more doable tasks. As I look back at my week just completed, I was so focused on what I didn’t do that this perspective created an overall negativity that is like a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day and altering your plans because there is a chance of rain. Seems I may have tapped into something “off” in how I think here which will give me something to consider for next week.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Three

I do better with a bit of formalized structure to my life; this is a benefit for me. This constant mental chatter of my own progress (and lack thereof) is challenged when I formalize the structure so my own mental “truth” can be faced with the facts, in my own handwriting, in my planner. In my review of this week, this profoundly impacted me. This realization is also key: my version of discipline must have a structure, be formal, and be accountable – and honestly accountable. No bad feelings over here, just realization and acceptance. For Week Four, I will strive to ensure that my structure is sound, relevant, and applicable. Where I feel the structure is lacking or not as successful, I will go smaller and into tinier pieces until I reach the right feeling (or frequency), and then compound them through my daily habits, being satisfied with what is “right now.” On to Week Four!

WEEK FOUR CHECK IN – Week Ending September 24, 2021

Dear Reader, if you are still with me this far, thank you!! This journey, the chronicling of my thinking over the past month in my blog, has been really inspiring. My lesson learned is that my “structure of disciplined ideas” – which is what I’m calling my routines – really helped me. Just yesterday, I had a medical appointment in the afternoon that took me out of my normal routines. No cooking, so we had some takeout for dinner so my dishes were minimal. I was also extremely tired – mentally exhausted – at another tough week. As I was preparing for bed – or “executing my PM routine” – skipping steps felt unnatural to me. I began to look at those few dishes in the sink and my clean dishwasher that needed emptying with a different mindset. My mindset was not of “Ugh!” but of “How long does this really take?” and “If I stop mentally arguing with myself, I’d be done with XX by now.” (Interesting.) My habit of doing the dishes at night ‘stuck’ and I did them quickly, routinely, and went to bed.

Now, I wondered how much of that was habit versus mind-over-matter, like did I just do this because I knew I was blogging on the subject? Was my physical and mental discomfort over the messy kitchen real or make believe? The very next day, I got my answer. On Saturday, September 25, 2021, or yesterday, I had the same situation. We had to take our Toby to the doctor at 2pm – smack dab in the middle of the afternoon which throws my routine right out. We then went grocery shopping, again, outside of the normal routine, ordered our favorite pizza – an eggplant Napolitano with balsamic glaze – from Mama Theresa’s in New Windsor, New York. We have not had this since before the Pandemic so this was such a treat that we ordered a whole pie – or eight slices. By the time we got home, the time was around 5 p.m. so dinner was leftovers as we got hungry. This resulted in my same situation – minimal dishes and a tired Susan. I, again, told my husband I was going straight to bed – and ended up doing the dishes AND watered my plants. Why? Because, my Dear Reader friends, I had built a habit of waking up to a clean and tidy kitchen. My habit was not necessary to do dishes but to wake up with a clean kitchen. Cool, right? Just that little change in my perspective helped me to create a solid and comfortable habit. I’ve always wanted to be the person who could not go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink … and now, I am that person.

FINAL THOUGHTS – Week Four

I finally understand how discipline can help me in my life in other areas, too. Restriction is not something I’m good with and need to remember that. However, discipline is very good for me if I get it out of my head and onto paper. As a person who is highly visual, this makes sense because the act of putting my thoughts to papers helps me see my progress – rather than relying on my faulty perception to feel my progress. Feeling my progress is also misleading because these feelings get clouded with, well, life. Good day? Feels great, making progress. Bad day? Sucks! No progress made. (See my correlation?)

This realization has been throughout the week in other areas, too, since I began to pay attention. I’m also a great believer in the synchronicities in life giving us direction…if we are paying attention. I began to realize that the structure I’ve created is not “restriction” as I had felt but of “discipline” which is a very different mindset. When going to bed, thinking of discipline and how positive an experience this had been for me, I pulled out my night table reading materials. I’m re-reading The One Thing to my support myself through this experience. Using my book mark I opened to the chapter I’d left off from the previous evening’s reading. This was Chapter 6: A Disciplined Life. Yes, Dear Reader, this happened, and I was paying enough attention to recognize this little “Atta Girl” from the universe. I also found a great summary of the book here for those of you intrigued.

MY FIVE LESSONS LEARNED FOR SEPTEMBER 2021:

Creating a structure for myself is a key area of my life that I need to consider in what I do and who I am. There is a discipline in this that makes me extremely comfortable and helps my negative self-talk become a small whisper instead of a constant yelling. Seeing this structure has helped me to create an exercise routine that I’m enjoying, an eating routine that keeps me nourished with good food choices, and a mentally supporting style of thinking that is really helping me feel better.
Having discipline within myself doesn’t mean I’m locked in to anything. It means that I have the freedom of choice – at all times. That is restriction.
And, speaking of restriction, I don’t do well with restriction – yet I tend to see the world in that way. My changing references in my mental body will be key so that, where I feel any restriction, I must review the situation for what it truly is. In my life, I cannot view any changes as “restriction” or these will become sour and cause me untold amount of mental anguish.
Having the discipline to create good structures for myself doesn’t mean I’m locked into just that; I can always add or take away what no longer works. Change doesn’t mean anything failed; change means only that circumstances – whatever they are – have shifted.
Don’t add a “value” label or a “belief” label to anything, anyone, or myself – the latter of which is my normal focus. Labels take judgment and perception that are most likely way wrong. Don’t judge others for the same; they are also on the journey.

CONCLUSION:

All in all, September was a helluva month. What a turning point. My acceptance of myself has lead me to very different realizations that I will begin to follow in other life areas. These realizations have also really helped me to overcome a few mental challenges in stepping up my game. Maybe some of the changes take, maybe some need smaller increments to help them stick. Whatever life throws at me, however, can be handled for I have the discipline and restriction to handle life – whether that means to step back and watch, or to jump right in and take a deep dive.

Peace, Dear Reader. Be well, and welcome fall.

Lessons from 2021 – July or How Clutter Impacts Our Thinking

At my office, I have the cleanest desk. It is so clean that people remark about how organized I appear to be. (LOL) The surface of my desk has work equipment (laptop, keyboard), phone, stapler, pens, and my paper calendar. That’s it. Anything else is put away in a drawer or cabinet so the effect is a pretty clean desk. I find myself really productive in my office except, of course, when interrupted by a person or task. Since I’ve been working from home and using my home office, I’ve been unable to create this same feeling. My home office desk is cluttered with these items plus all of my art supplies, paper, files, and just a bunch of things that have no real home space. When sitting at my desk now, I feel a bit overwhelmed and unable to really think clearly. The contrast between my home office and my work office – and the level of organization – came to my attention as something needing sorting.

I began to focus on the idea of minimalism, its roots, and why some people really like this style of living. (The link is a very good explanation of a new channel I found in writing this post. I plan to check out more of her work. She couples minimalism and intention which, IMHO, is extremely important.) I began to wonder what benefits I might achieve with a “less” mindset? Will this impact my intentional thinking about myself, my goals, and dreams if I don’t feel so overwhelmed by my “things” and have a “less is more” mindset?

In the beginning of the Pandemic, I began to rethink my office set up at home to be more like my work set up: streamlined and minimalist. While my home office served me well when I used the office sporadically, working in the space full time began to create a level of discomfort that I correlated to having a messy desk. To make my home office similar to my official office, however, is a much more daunting task because the items in my home office have no where else to live. It’s not like I have all of my art supplies at my desk at work. In order to make my home office more comfortable, I almost need to reset my entire house because cleaning and organizing one space creates havoc in other areas of the house. (EDIT: Let me be completely honest with you…and myself… about my Pandemic mindset which began fueling this desire to streamline my stuff. I thought that, if I died, I did not want anyone to have to sift through my “things”. This was something I wanted to do. That realization made me see all of my “collections” in a very different way – more like a burden than an achievement. I also realized that I’d prefer to spend my money on “experiences” and not “things” so getting rid of my “things” really began to weigh on me. More on that another time.)

To help me better address this claustrophobic feeling in my office space and how to best handle the overwhelm, I began a household “review” of my space, any unused space, and how best to feel less overwhelmed by my stuff. Now, I don’t have a lot of stuff but what I do have is really unorganized and, frankly, overwhelming. To experiment, I began to review my china cabinet and take an unsentimental assessment of my “things.” I found that I owned over 40 different wine glasses for a person who does not drink wine. These glasses have been unused in my cabinet for the past 20 years and have been screaming (OK, not literally) at me to use them. What I “heard” was this: “I am made for celebrations and parties, not for display!” Glassware has a usefulness so I have always felt okay with collecting it. However, my wine goblets and pretty crystal stemware were not being used for their intended purpose. I decided to “rehome” most of them by donating most to my local Habitat for Humanity for resale. I really believe these glasses were almost happy to be able to grace someone else’s home/table. Feeling better, I added two platters that were unused (I have three left), two over-sized crystal vases, and some gently-used plastic cake/cupcake carriers. Immediately, I felt like the energy in my dining room eased a bit: I felt really good about the donation and I realized that there was a bit more air for breathing. On a roll, I removed a wall hanging from one of my walls in our foyer adjacent to the dining room that I had purchased on a whim and never quite liked. In its place, I put an older art piece where I liked the aesthetic of the dark frame on a light wall. I find myself drawn to that area of the house now because the aesthetic pleases me because the air feels lighter. Wow.

I began to wonder why that is? How can the excess and free space impact me so immediately? I realized through my studies that “things” all have energy and operate at different levels of vibration. Or, the science of physics. (I call it ‘thing energy’ as opposed to ‘people energy’. How original, right?) Some of us are more sensitive to ‘thing energy’ than others; some people can actually feel the vibrations of someone who may have owned the object at one time. The latter situation is called psychometry which is not my issue for I don’t feel that so keenly and individually. It is the energy (vibration, maybe?) of the collection of a lot of objects that feels like a wave of something that hits me square in the chest, and makes it difficult to breathe. Like, I don’t have enough space to find the air in the room. I’ve always felt “thing energy” quite keenly and am just realizing that my desire for an echoing room is to give myself more creativity and openness. When I go into a crowded grocery store, I feel overwhelmed by the “stuff;” the same is true in a crowded Department store or anywhere there is a large accumulation of stuff. I quickly leave the space, feeling claustrophobic and just a sense of overwhelm. I noticed that I feel a bit like that in my office space, too, which has lead me to really take a critical look at the lack of organization in my office and the idea of the reset was born.

In my experiment and with a mind to my planned office reset, I began to wonder if having my things organized – or put away – tempers the feeling. Like, if I did not have a china cabinet with glass doors but a buffet with solid wood doors, would the feeling be different because I could not visually “see” all of my things? Hmmm. I’m not sure. However, I am going to try an experiment this week on resetting my home office to see if removing and organizing my personal clutter will help me to be more creative and have less stress sitting at my desk. I plan to remove all of the stuff in my office: desks, computers, chairs, printers, etc. and then place these back with a little more thought as to my desired minimalist aesthetic and concentrating on storage/organization with the goal of a clean desk. I’d also like to create an area where I do my “work” and an area where I can be “creative.” Right now, I see these as two distinctly different areas in my room; I wonder if I can change that based on removing or rearranging my stuff. I’ve decided to also follow this particular YouTuber’s tips; her videos and delivery inspired me to also follow these guidelines. I’m a new subscriber to her channel and look forward to learning more. Here are some of her tips that I plan to follow:

1.) Figure out how much time you have and how much time it will take.

I’ve taken a week off of work so that I can separate this into some very doable tasks. My first task will be to remove everything from the surface that is not heavy furniture. This includes mail, inboxes, books, pen holders/containers, books (there are a lot of them!), and computer bags and accessories. In applying the four principles, however, I realized that in order for me to apply #2, below, I need to begin in my guest bedroom to ensure that I have sufficient ability to clear out my office. (Right now, my guest bedroom closet is spilling out onto the floor. It is filled with old formal wear that no longer fits, concert t-shirts from the 80s, empty hangers, and all of my holiday decorations. It is time to clear that close because if my green blazer ever fit again, the shoulder pads would rival Joan Collins’ best day and, frankly, I’d never wear the jacket anyway unless it was Halloween and I was revisiting 40 years of history.) Yes, my personal clutter has gotten so bad that in order to clear out an entire room of my house, I need to clear a place to put the stuff out of the way.) So, before I can even work on the office, I plan to de-clutter my guest bedroom closet first which, having done my own closet years ago, should be relatively straight-forward. Once my guest bedroom closet is straightened up, I plan to then begin my office de-clutter. (Now you know why I planned a full week for this.)

As I put things back into the office, I will then consider if I want to keep the item, addressing what purpose the item serves, and ensuring everything has its own place. If the item does not have a place, then it is not needed and will be thanked for its service, and discarded or donated. This allows me to get the office down to the walls and carpeting, and really get a feel for the office while also honoring the vibration of my “things.”

2.) Minimize distractions.

This will be difficult for me because moving and decluttering create their own “rabbit holes” of memories. I like Nourishing Mom‘s idea of the “to put away” box which helps to keep me focused on the task and not going into another room to then work in that room. However, because I realized that I will need to make room in my guest bedroom to temporarily move things from the study, I’ll need to separate this into two projects because I will find myself overwhelmed with now having two rooms to declutter. I’m already expecting that I will need to purchase cabinets and/or organizational tools to help me better place my things. Before I just go out willy-nilly to purchase something, I want to be really sure on where it is, what it is, and how I will use it. (See #4.)

3) Its going to take more than one pass.

I totally agree with the idea that both my guest bedroom closet and my office will need a few passes of critical assessment because after a while of making the hard decisions to relieve one of clutter, I can and do become a bit more emotional. In the cleaning of my personal closet, it has taken me quite a few passes and, unfortunately, I did not pay attention to tip #4 below and have created a new mess for myself in my closet. My closet organization is not as bad as before but can get there if I don’t soon intervene.

4) Avoid recreational shopping.

I realize now that I shopped out of boredom or wanting a new experience of buying a thing. What I was looking for was a panacea of sorts, a relief from my mental burden where I stifled my creativity. This is a lesson from the Pandemic that I’ve learned and wish to correct. I used to enjoy shopping and would purchase anything I wanted because I could – even if I really couldn’t. This created a poor habit of addressing my own mental discomfort through the purchase of a new dress or lipstick instead of addressing the real source of my unrest. My shopping over the past 18 months has become very specific because a weekly excursion to the mall just wasn’t part of anyone’s plan. The allowed me to see just how I’ve “coped” throughout my life, and be able to feel better by addressing the real issue.

That’s the plan for my office reset or starting over. In researching the “how to” of my project, I found Joshua Becker’s channel quite helpful, too, and found that I already do many of his tips in this video. This made me feel a bit better about my starting point and helped me to see that I can continue to improve. I’m very curious to see that, if after I’ve completed my project, if I’ll feel different about sitting in the space, or if I’ll need to move my office into my foyer! I’m intrigued because of the idea that we are all energy fields that can be manipulated, including objects that would appear to be solid. Every object in our world vibrates at different rates which creates their form. There are millions of possibilities depending on the object, placement, temperature…the combinations are endless and miraculous, aren’t they? When you think about the world at large, with all of the people, places, and things, the world is vibrating all around us. How can you not feel overwhelmed at times? Wishing you peace this July 4th.

[EDIT: And, as if the world is blessing this post, one of my favorite O.G. YouTubers, Renee Amberg, just posted this video. I love Renee’s videos as they show her transitions and struggles which make me feel less alone in my own journey. She discusses all things very honestly, openly and does not sugar-coat her experiences. Definitely worth the watch just for the inspiration alone.]

Keto Update: For those of you keeping up with all things Keto, I’m still doing well. Seeing some improvement on my psoriasis and my weight is stable. It is going up and down since my carbohydrate restriction isn’t as low as I’d like it to be. I’m under 100 carbs a day – usually around 50. This works for my “right now” time as I continue to adjust. I’m learning that there are some foods, while lower in carbohydrates, are not good for me to have in the house. Dr. Atkin’s bars are something other worldly delicious and I’m not to be trusted with them. Yet. In all things, there is progress.

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