Lessons from 2021 – January

This is a new series I will be starting as a reflection of the month that just passed.  I do so much living in my head with all of my best and worst memories keeping me company.  Instead of just keeping them all company myself, you, Dear Reader, will be pleased to hear that I would prefer to leave the past back in my rear view mirror.  Like many of you, we can do so much living in our memories that these experiences color our perspective of today.  Today cannot be compared to anything: past or future.  Sort of like, living in the present without the noose of the past, looking forward to what will be. (I highly recommend it.)

We made it through the first month of 2021 and many of us are already writing the year off and wishing for 2022 already.  During the first week of January – January 6th precisely – an attempted “coup d’état”  or a “coup” for short was had on the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, D.C.  For those of you who don’t believe that the definition applies, check the dictionary at the link to the word. I’ll wait until you come back. 

<Cue Jeopardy music.>

This “coup” was beyond a shadow of a doubt instigated by the sitting “president” of our country.  I quote the title because I’ve never seen less presidential behavior and we’ve gone through the gamut of behaviors.  The lesson, however, has been a deep one for me on how to handle adversity or disagreements – and what NOT to do.  Many times, this lesson of what not to do is actually more important than following someone’s example.  This realization gives one a viewpoint of the choice we all have during these moments of extreme emotion; a bit of a “step back” to really “see” the situation without emotions or without a “dog in the race” so to speak.  I think that  “stepping back” is my mantra for 2021.  The examination of life, today, versus what life was like at any past time is a comparison.  There are no emotions in the comparison if one just observes as if from the heavens, or “above it all.” (I like that saying because it just is a different perspective.  If you think that the term “above it all” is triggering, that may be something you can examine to help you.

If we accept that what is in our “present” moment is truly all we can expect of ourselves, and that all is okay, how does that make you feel?  Better? Worse?  There is no right or wrong answer with feelings for they are just little tidbit indicators to us on our perspective.  It is the higher expectations that cannot be fulfilled that can create a feeling of defeat…or help me to adjust my expectations to something that feels better.  If you feel a sense of frustration, that is a cue to stop and examine why.  Frustration is our own internal barometer of our expectations.  Many of us feel frustrated as a response to something unknown or uncomfortable.  Our frustration, however, can be based on the expecation of our own personal performance…or a perception of a lack of performance.  We can see this in almost every aspect of life and we’ve never really been taught how to handle frustration in a constructive manner. Work, play…it is always there.  

Take my goal setting, circa 2020.  Last year, I began my normal “Cultivate What Matters” exercise.  I’ve found this tool extremely helpful in the past two years.  However, for 2020, everything just fell apart by March and my life was and continues to be barely recognizable to what was in February 2020.  My lack of control for anything really pressed me so much so that my “Cultivate What Matters” effort became very basic: Survival.  In March, I had planned to visit my family in Florida and, now, it has been almost two years since I’ve seen my mother and sister.  (The thought brings me to tears as I write this.) I have also been unable to see any of my husband’s family as they are over two hours away and the journey would require that we stop for a bathroom break which may be unavailable.  Then, we’d only be able to look at each other and the feeling of wanting a hug or touch would be overwhelming.  All of my relationships, friendships, and any plans I may have had were flushed down the toilet by the beginning of April 2020.

Boy, was I frustrated which resulted in a spiral of depression.  I realized about September – yes, I ruminated that long – that I can dwell on what I cannot change, become miserable and a crying blob, or I can focus on what is: The choice is mine.  Either is OK and each just gives me different living experiences.  Not good, not bad; these are valuations or judgments.  The experience is just different.  Last year, I chose the totally scrap my CWM and figure the BIG PICTURE of just how to survive.  Setting goals like finding an exercise class or art class were out if the gyms are shuttered and art classes cancelled.  Rather than crying over the spilled milk, I cleaned up the spill and poured another glass. Done.  What I’ve learned from the experience has helped me to grow in new ways – ways that I would have never been able to access pre-Pandemic.  I’ve been able to peel back the “onion” of my life with each layer resulting in my returning to memories for comfort.  In that rumination, I’ve been able to correct some judgments and to learn from the experiences as an adult.

During this process, I recognized that I had absolutely and unequivocably no control over anything outside of my response or reaction to life and living.   How I viewed the situation – or my perspective of the situation – would create the feeling of that situation for me in my world, today.  My past experiences created judgments in me that I applied to the current day so, in effect, my life in the present was based on the judgments of my past.  If my judgments were “off” as, I imagine, is quite common with children having more “adult” experiences, how would these judgments impact my perspective for today’s world?  Dear Reader, it is simply this: I found I was using my prior experience to judge today and I was creating limitations for myself on what I thought was the limit – and not the true limit – for there are no limits except those that we assert on ourselves.

For a survival situation, the ability to make a quick and correct decision may be the difference between life or death.  Deciding on a can of vegetables in the grocery store clearly is not “life or death” unless one is in The Last of Us, Part II, of course were a can of peas is a Godsend.   (Oh, such a great game, too! Don’t get me started. ) I’m seeing more clearly and I use my own self perception a bit differently.  Yes, I said “Use my own self” because I’ve realized that there is a lot more to me than this carbon based lifeform I currently occupy.  Resourceful ways. Exciting ways.  It is how we think of things that determines our perception.  Period.

Let me give you a real life example and you tell me which mental construct “feels” better to you.

This is my dog, Toby.  He was adopted from a rescue shelter about eleven years ago.  He is 12-1/2 and is in good health.  There were a few points, though, where he almost died due to a genetic disposition to make bladder stones.  This happens in some Dalmatians, and Toby is one of these dogs.  We were twice given a choice: Surgery or die.  This was very traumatic for us as he is our baby and, like all animal parents, you feel like this little animal, who trusts you and depends on you, is relying on your decision-making skills.  His eating habits are very odd because of complications from these surgeries which resulted in poorly managed stomach acid during the his first surgery that scarred his esophagus making eating solid foods very difficult.  His esophagus narrowed so he is now on a mushy or liquid diet which takes some preparation.  This will probably be for the rest of his life.  It took us years to realize this because he cannot tell us what is happening!  Poor thing.  He is doing better and has a very strict diet that involves liquidizing or grinding his meals.  Given my work schedule and commute, my husband had the chore of feeding Toby twice a day and to give him his medicines to help manage the stomach acid.  With my working full-time at home now, I have taken over feeding him breakfast and his early morning medications, which is probably one of the highlights of my day.  Why?

It wasn’t always like this.  Due to the preparation, feeding Toby felt like a burden.  As I was preparing his breakfast one morning and felt that feeling of negativity – the burden – wash into me, I asked myself a question:  Is feeding Toby really a burden? Or, are you just used to feeling that way when you have something that is difficult to do?  That also got me thinking about the different energies and how a burden feels as opposed to a privilege.  Does my negative energy drift into the food I was preparing for my loyal and trusting canine? Oh, the thought of that really made me stop and realize that I get the opportunity to care for this little creature whose big brown eyes look at me in patient anticipation.  How could I ever think my sweet boy was a burden for me? I began to see my feeding him as the privilege it is – many people would have not been able to care for him.  He (and us) were so lucky to have him in our lives.  We have not had a proper vacation in many years as our boy cannot be boarded with such serious medical issues.  And, do you know something, both my husband and I believe ourselves blessed to care for him.

Perspective – in our news and our lives – is so important to maintain.  When something doesn’t feel right to you, it helps to distance yourself and examine the situation without emotion, without judgment, and just be within the feeling.  I’m currently working through the idea of resistance and how the resistance to the feeling actually magnifies the situation.  I’ve come to also realize that how someone else “feels” is not really my business but their own.  If feelings are to help shape perspective, who am I to deny you, Dear Reader, the ability to shape your own world just how you’d like it to be…for you.

What an incredible January!  Peace.